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okay, so i was wrong about when you told me of lee... march 31 was when you said you wanted to divorce, then changed your mind and said that maybe we could work things out... April fools was when you said you would stay for two more kids... and April fourth was when you told me about lee... i just checked the blog postings... so, anyway, i told you that you'd hear more of what i was talking about... i went to the bathroom, saying that i was fighting temptation... well, i was... then you interjected, telling me that we WOULD be done if i drank... we had a few words on you dictating to me what all i should do, and you not taking everything that i suggest... then i said that maybe you should tell that faggot that you love him, ad you asked why... i couldn't come up with a justification for it... anyway, i started talking more afterward... I went into something that has irked me for a LONG time... the fact that i talk to you before we fall asleep, and you always end up out of it, before i am done... ever since we have been together, i have spilled my heart out to you, and you have never been aware... at least twice a week, i end up crying... what ends up happening is this: I will be lying there beside you, and will start telling you of things that i might need to fix, or you might need to fix, or we need to fix OR i will start telling you about things i love about you, or something you did earlier that was so cute, or whatever. I'll be going along, just talking, believing that you are listening, then i finally come to the realization that you are asleep. My words, my heart, my soul - all of them - fell upon deaf ears. Then i get up, and walk off into another part of the house, sit, and cry. This isn't limited to bedtime - it can happen when i join you for a nap. And I keep doing it. I don't know why. I believe that I keep making these attempts for I know that when we are close like that is the only time that we have no distractions - that we are "just us". And it happened again, tonight. i started speaking these words earlier, and finished by saying that i'd wager that you are asleep now (i get up from the toilet, and walk into the bedroom to stop in the doorway , standing right in front of you) and you didn't hear a word that i said... you opened your eyes, and i said that i was partially correct - you weren't completely asleep, but you were far enough into dozing that you hadn't heard a word... then i told you that i believed that most of our communication problems were weighted in you... so, i told you that you'd find out what i had been talking about when you awoke the next morning... i picked up my computer, and came to the bathroom, and started writing this... so, here we are... i am sitting alone, crying, wondering why i have stayed with you... what exactly it is about you that keeps me here... and like i said before, i have no reason to be here... nothing is holding me here... other than my love... i just want to be with you... for life... i do remember one thing that i started to say, prior to the one way discussion transcribed above... i was going to say something lee related, and kept it back mid-sentence... i kept it back, for i realized that you didn't want to hear it from me, though it was something that you need to hear, if it's not a thought that has already crossed your mind... i'd like to share it here, for i believe that you might take it better from me through reading it than hearing it... i believe that, anyway, based on the fact that i had mentioned a few lee things in my prior posts, and you hadn't said anything against them... should you actually hit things off (which i fear, and believe), do you expect him to be faithful during the time that you two are apart? and if so, do you honestly believe that he would be? i believe that you had said that he had been been promiscuous.... do me one favor, if you plan to have sex, refer him to AID Upstate... they're an agency which does free AIDS testing in greenville. their address is: 811 Pendleton St Ste 10 Greenville, South Carolina 29601-3232 and their phone numbers are: 864-250-0607 (main) 800-755-2040 (tollfree) remember that a condom does not guarantee, nor are they endorsed as, protection against STDs... I love you diana, but i don't love you that much... i'm not going to allow my family (you and the children) to be affected by something which a responsible adult could easily avoid... i am serious... have him tested before you do anything, if it gets that far... and i demand evidence, or i will say goodbye... and i will fight for custody... I wrote an email to jessica (tumey) and asked her to reply... it was in reference to marriage counseling... i told her that we wanted to have it start ASAP, and that we wanted as many sessions as possible before the end of the month... i didn't tell her why, because i didn't remember if we had gone that far in depth (which may not matter, for DCBS referred counseling requires disclosure of sessions)... if she asks, i can tell her that it's because that's when my (if approved) personal leave will end... other than the speaking of lee that took place tonight, i think that the day went well... how do you feel? i am so looking forward to saturday... sadly, we may end up spending the majority of it at my mothers... by the way, have you called crystal to confirm saturday? i don't know how i feel about our attempt at making love tonight... i guess i'm glad that you felt like you were using me... i know, you keep professing that you love me, and yes, i do know that you still do... it's just, considering the circumstances, i require the reassurance... it's part of what's keeping me here, and even more devoted to fixing us - not saying that i wouldn't be devoted - but, you know... i know that you know, because i can see it in your eyes, hear it in your words, see it in your movements... this is tough for the both of us - i feel tougher for you than i, though you are doing a good job of hiding it... i'm sorry, my aids thing earlier may seem harsh and controlling... i do mean it though... and i believe that you had voiced a concern earlier... it is something serious, though... I found a link on the front page of Dr. Phil's site... "Involved in a Messy Love Triangle?"... i clicked it and, of course found the enrollment form... i read the primer to it... "Have you found yourself involved in a messy love triangle? Are you in love with two people, and you're sick of keeping the secret? Or, did you discover that your husband is having an affair, but you don't want a divorce, and he won't stop seeing the other woman? Does he swear he loves you both, and you don't know what to do? If you are involved in a love triangle, and you all three want Dr. Phil's help, write in today."... i didn't fill it out... the thought had crossed my mind... i think we'll try real therapy first... i do remember that you had mentioned/threatened me with Dr. Phil before, and i jokingly said that i would leave you if you did it... well, as i just said, i was joking when i said no... keep that in mind... by the way, how come you never took action in our problems? of course, my excuse is that i didn't think things were that bad, but what's yours? you did suggest therapy, granted... you still didn't take action, though... is it because you were afraid of me in some way, or afraid that i might react in a certain way? I did some action, close to the end, prior to your march 31 announcement of a desire to separate... you know that... i subscribed to a newsletter, and have been reading them... I even forwarded you one... i showed that i wanted to work things out... sadly, based upon my misinterpretation of our situation, when i went over the newsletters i found that we weren't having great problems, and that the main issue was communication, so i re-enforced the blogging... sure i didn't share much, for i didn't think there was much to share... i was wrong... speaking on the sharing of "unimportant" information, what did you think of our trip to walmart? did you notice that i actually had a lot to say? once upon a time, you told me that i didn't have to share everything... so, i stopped... that's what i've been trying to do, since you haven't shared that much with me (tha list) - trying to think of everything that i did when we were a couple in our infacy... i'm just trying to do all that stuff, because it's what you had loved when we were new... that's all i've got to go on, and i hope that it's working... i gather that it is... of course i could be wrong, because i most certainly was prior to this... and you are still doing it... don't hold back... tell me exactly how you feel when i say/offer/suggest something... don't just try to make me happy, or keep me "safe"... i want to know... it's that sort of thing that started this mess... i may offer counterpoints, yes, and want to debate, yes... if you don't, just quickly follow it up with "i don't want to debate this, jeremy"... i may follow with "later?"... respond with either "yes" if you are open to discussion at a later time (that day/evening - designate which perhaps with a time) or "no" if your foot is planted... by the way, lee discussions are an exception... if we are home then now is best until it gets heated, if we are out, then later if appropriate... well it's just past one thirty, so i'd better be getting to bed... I LOVE YOU!!!
Tags: #randomness