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Note: The poetry in this post was written years ago, it is not new poetry. The intention behind this post was to be an artistic expression to get out my emotional feelings of an experience that I was never bold enough to talk about as explicitly as this article does, especially in a public post. I decided to write this post to assuage my own emotional feelings after the use of a word triggered these memories and emotions to prop back up again, and to explain where these emotions came from. This post was my way of dealing with this past trauma, and was never intended to be connected in any way to any other situation that the post does not talk about.
This post is exclusively about my experiences of being involved with members of a private Discord. People who have experienced trauma know all too well how emotions and feelings of that time can easily be brought back up. It is a common experience. Writing about them doesn't help everyone, but it helps me. I am a writer, I write about my emotional experiences, and this will never change. I do not owe anyone my silence.
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I've talked a bit about the time in 2018-2019 when I was wrestling with my sexuality and many other things, but I've never talked about my darkest moments, which was 2020 to the first half of 2021, iirc. This is a bit hard for me to reflect back on, so I will be trying to disconnect while writing this.
I went back on Handmade Network, and was doing mostly fine-ish, but I didn't get along with lots of people on there. This was just before and during covid, iirc. I remember at the start of covid switching to online classes and feeling so lonely and just not doing the online classes. I had basically wasted a whole semester of University. I had seen this interesting group where people would talk about their programming projects and asked to join. I ended up getting accepted into this private Discord called "Brain Stronk".
Let's just say my first day didn't go well and I got banned on the first day. I remember having some arguments with people because I supported Trans people, and those on the server really didn't like that, and it got quite heated. I also made what I believe to be harmless suggestions, and questions about things. Apparently the mods joined in a voice chat and talked about whether I should be banned from the server, and then I got banned. But one of the mods connected with me via private message in Discord.
I had thought that I became friends with this person. We would talk almost every day. I would ask them things, especially about what people who had posted something in one of the Discords we were in meant by something they wrote. They introduced me to some other people from the Discords, and they introduced me to internet personalities like Jordan Peterson, Sam Harris, and others.
But then things started to change. They frequently wanted me to be someone different. They would say that I need to write less. That I needed to be less excited, wait for longer before I respond to someone, ask less questions, that I needed to "chill", that I needed to stop saying "I think", that I can't have too many emotions, and that I had to change myself to fit in with others if I wanted to be accepted by them, and if I don't want to, then I needed to leave the community. I would try doing some of they suggested, but it was always hard for me. They talked a lot about the "evolutionary" basis of why "guys" give each other a hard time, why they don't like too many emotions or too much one-sided conversation, and that I needed to fit in with that model of society if I wanted to be around these people. I type a lot, and I type fairly explicitly and formally - that's just who I am. I also get excited about things and want to talk about these things a lot - that's another part of who I am. I tried to be different, but it wasn't working. I would get frustrated and angry and lash out at some people, and then I turned to self-hatred.
I remember constantly being told that I needed to "chill" or something similar. I didn't even know what that meant - and I still don't. What is "chill"? That means nothing to me. This person was always concerned with the "vibe" of the places they were on. I hate the words "vibe" and "chill" - they are a reminder of what I went through during this time. They mean nothing to me except self-hatred and not being good enough the way I am. I got told many things, but one of the things that left a big mark was the way others in these Discord channels would allude to me by saying something along the lines of "some people just can't introspect" as if I was some lesser person, or they would mock me for not getting certain jokes or sarcasm. I felt different, like an outcast. But I also felt welcome at times. It's weird, I felt both things, and I think both things were pulling on me, ripping me apart. The brief moments of belonging made the larger moments of being an outcast that much more hurtful, because instead of realizing how terrible these people were and leaving, I stayed, wondering how I was the problem and how I could fix it, wondering constantly if I did or said something wrong, wondering what else I needed to hate about myself.
This person roped me in by making me feel comfortable, like they are trying to help me. They would confide in me about things, try to help me to fit in. The problem is what they wanted me to be is in direct conflict with who I am and what I think a healthy society is and should be. They confided in me about their goals and wishes, about their desire to help others and to start a new religion. And I confided in them, about lots of things. There was a time where they mocked the reasons for why I was in a depressive state: that the world is terrible and it makes people do terrible things. I had already started going down the determinism route beforehand, and things were getting worse. You can see my inner turmoil in my poem "Mixed", which I wrote after this person and I cut ties:
I am holding on to the memories stuck sounds in my mind broken hearts, turbulence, quips and nicknames regards lost Every human has a heart easily broke, easily fraught moving strong, and moving on confused and misunderstood They gave me respect and bridges with tries, talks and comfort conversations worth sharing they gave my frets lost doubts I'm wrong longing what I might have lost searching for the light to see through trading my worth for the hatred, wanting everything My insecurities used against me to push me in their line claiming no assumptions I am not going nowhere just because I am not where others want me to be, I am still standing, but not driving the fright of my intentions the unknown, regrets in assumptions and vests handling my protection from head games seeing bad where it isn't there wanting nothing trading my worth for the perceived accepts, because at least I'm seen my names called comforted across my worries lost Every human has a view to protect the world to improve to try their best Stuck echoes in my mind monopolizing my thoughts no assumptions for their pushes no reponsibilities for their hatred no care respect lost I'm broke, they say. Maybe I'm broke. I'm holding on to the memories stuck in my mind, seeing good where it isn't there, Is it there? Respect and bridges with tries, my insecurities used against me, Talks and comfort, yet no care Telling me to trust, yet assuming no roles Telling me to forgive, while espousing intolerance Are we who we are? Or what we want?
It got to a point where I didn't want to live, and I was ready to end my life that particular night. I remember reaching out to one of the other people that I knew from the community - and we have talked for a bit before. I waited a long time, and he never responded. So I went to someone else and they helped me through it. This is the poem I wrote about this, much later:
I wished everything wasn't something no longer comfortable even there I was searching for a light outside to keep me driving there was no light inside my thoughts claimed superficial like the origin waters hadn't drowned my worth cold and freezing and shattered and I couldn't put the pieces back together, jagged and sharp I wanted to stop stop driving stop playing stop being even there I wanted to stop I needed to stop Stop the echoes there Stop the music Stop the bruising I feel all the time I needed it to stop I was ready and hoping for some light elsewhere to warm my cold thoughts you knew what I wanted you knew what I needed you knew silence sent a powerful message sent my confirmations echoing you knew but you did it anyways and I knew at that moment I couldn't trust anyone I wanted to stop stop searching stop thinking stop believing I was missing a better world I wanted to stop the outside was just as shattered I didn't know I needed someone to stop the echoes stop the darkness stop the bruising I felt all the time I needed someone, anyone I wished everything wasn't something no longer comfortable even there I was finding a light outside that kept me driving there was no light inside they never claimed my thoughts superficial like sunlight guiding me through telling me "do not be afraid I am here" warming my thoughts putting my shattered pieces back together I will never forget this person, his mission
The events that I went through I will always remember, and they will always hurt a little, and it continued to even after this moment, but a few things helped me - finding Judaism and God, and having great professors that I connected well with when I finally moved from Computer Science to Theology in 2021.