💾 Archived View for bluet.flounder.online › september.gmi captured on 2023-09-28 at 15:30:33. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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09282023. good morning flounder
learned how to make a paper crane yesterday and now i can't stop
think i might be going through something
get of work at 1
go home eat last amy's meal
nap
by then i guess it will be about 3pm
my next obligation will be at 5:30 so i have some time for an activity
i think gym or laundry
class ends at 6:20, author talk is at 7. how far is the venue from my apartment? about 15 minutes so that should be fine. just need to be ready to go immediately after logging off
should be home from author talk by 9. then it will be time to submit tonight's assignment. then i will go to bed
reminder to myself to spend some time with chat gpt to devise a daily routine and meal plan and budget because i cannot currently be trusted to manage my life
just made the tiniest paper crane of my career. out of a sticky note
09272023. good morning flounder
i described what happened last night to a few coworkers and public opinion seems to be that the incident constitutes harassment. not sure what to do about that, i wouldn't feel good about putting it on admin/security's radar. even though this is the second time he's done something like this
alioop! i went to an open mic at this cozy bar / cafe that i like. the open mic is pretty new and the only weekly one in town. it felt less like an open mic and more like one group of friends putting on a showcase for themselves. the slots were 20 minutes which i thought was insane
how is the slaughter beach, dog album? the title caught my eye because i love the labi siffre album crying laughing loving lying
off brain day
09262023. hello flounder
that post open mic hangxiety is just how i remember it
i chose option 1 and it was wack! lesson learned
feeling a little twisted up
men are being insane
fun story from just now
[] spots me in one of the offices, lets himself in (i work in a public building), takes a seat across from me, opens with: so what am i missing? i fucked up and now it's over?
one hour 15 minutes and i'm home
09252023. good morning flounder
had a really good day yesterday with N and S. for lunch we took N to [new cafe S and i have been really wanting to try]. the space was so delightful, and the food so delicious i felt like a kid. N liked it so much he asked to go back for dinner. we did and he ordered the same thing he got for lunch. amazing
at one point S said something scathing and N said wow...no bones. i realized he was trying to communicate the sentiment "ate and left no crumbs" but for some reason just decided to say "no bones." amazing
anyways, N will be on his way to [new city 1000 miles away] soon, it feels like the end of an era because S, N and i have never been too far from each other. reminder to myself to pick a book for our new long-distance book club. S asked for light-hearted
have been seeking out ballet fiction for some reason. read astonish me maggie shipstead and now reading they're going to love you meg howrey. i think i like how ballerina characters tend to be intense and crazy and only care about ballet. usually i read confused characters who don't know what they want
clog girl fall
library girl fall
single girl fall
bob girl fall. jk i didn't do this yet. maybe i will
no frozen meal girl fall. something to aspire to
today learned that at some point i cataloged an extremely inaccurate definition of the word IRREVERENT in my brain even though the meaning of the word is completely clear and intuitive. not sure how this happened! i think i was pulling from EFFERVESCENT omg facepalm
i have two choices for my evening. one is have fun one is do the thing i should do. hm. important to consider that i might not actually have fun at option 1 (though it would at least allow some release of tension), and also that choosing to do the thing i should do might not actually mean completing it. to which you might say, well wouldn't it be good just to make some progress on the thing? a good point but meaningless to the binary thinking i am applying to the situation
i keep wanting to talk to [coworker x] about [situation with coworker y] because i know she has some context already and because i know she would care. which is usually more than enough impetus for me to tell someone something. but every time i get the chance to share i end up keeping [situation] to myself. idk where that boundary is coming from. guilt/shame about [situation]? being protective of my privacy? subconscious distrust of [coworker x]? unwillingness to associate myself with [coworker y]?
i think [situation] makes me hyperaware of my somewhat precarious position at [job]. like i don't need to give anyone a reason to see me as an unprofessional or unserious person, because they may already feel that way by virtue of my age and other identities. but maybe i care too much
[coworker unrelated to x or y] is doing his thing again (reading the entire issue of the daily paper cover to cover, while standing). i wonder if he's gotten to my piece yet. last time he just said "i read your piece" with no evaluation. i respect him so much
apparently the $16 clogs i got at goodwill yesterday are a $130 pair of danskos
unfortunately this day has passed by without my participation but i suppose i was in attendance. stay tuned for my 5-9 after my 9-5
sometimes it seems unthinkable that [] could still have any interest in me considering how little interest i show and then i remember the insane feelings i had for [college best friend's roommate] and we would only interact for like four minutes at a time when he came downstairs to get cereal or something. over the course of two years he asked me to hang out one time, it was when i was really depressed (i think he knew this because i was always at the house being depressed), he brought me with him to catch and mark tiny garter snakes with nail polish to track the progression of a disease or something. it was for one of his classes. to this day i do not know why he invited me. anyways he's married now. the first time i met him: walked the 20 minutes to [best friend's house] holding an overflowing laundry hamper up on my head (the machine at my new place wasn't working). the door was unlocked, i walked in sweaty and burdened and they were all in the living room watching atlanta season 1. he was the cutest thing i had ever seen!!!
09232023. good morning flounder
there is no coffee in this apartment
there is
maybe i will make a london fog
or maybe i will go out for coffee
journal article titles that go hard:
Concealing White Supremacy through Fantasies of the Library: Economies of Affect at Work.
The Legacy of Lady Bountiful: White Women in the Library
09222023. good morning flounder.
good morning alioop. not weird or overstepping at all, though i understand the concern -- flounder correspondence can feel strange. anyways thank you for saying that about my mom and the duck. it makes me happy that my unsent text could be received and understood by someone. thank you for bearing witness
good to hear the anxiety from that meeting hasn't lingered. i hope next week is easier!
trying to get everything done before [dear friend] visits on sunday. really looking forward to this
three people at work have gotten covid in the past week
oh no already losing momentum ok back to work
so cool of james blake to release a smoothbrain album during a season in which i must do so much smoothbrain work. profound feeling of harmony just now reading a research study listening to "night sky" i barely registered it it was just coating my brain
it's too dark for my eyes in here even with the lamp and the ceiling light on. note to self get another light
update i appropriated the lamp from the kitchen counter. it looks silly next to my existing desk lamp but it is a huge help
09212023. good morning flounder
having a good day but extremely distracted!!!
bad voice day, worst one in a little while, i think because i've been staying up so late. it's ok i just compensate for the breaks with volume and eye contact
was recently kind of cruel and i realize it's because i was triggered. A says i would be a good therapy patient because there's no suicide risk but there's lots of problems
to alioop i would say personally i have always appreciated it when people poke fun at their dorkiness even when it felt a little dissonant to my mood or the situation. and in general i think it's just better to over-express than to under-express. the risk of over-expression is embarrassment and the risk of under-expression is ... idk but i think it's something worse! especially over time
my temporary newspaper gig is up. that was fun :(
insane text from former coworker at [newspaper] yesterday about how he tore his MCL while covering a high school football game. he got run over by a quarter back or something. sounds bad and they're not giving him workers' comp
it's been almost two years since i left that job! sometimes i miss my moments with that coworker. staying late in the newsroom walking to jimmy johns for fuel before heading out to our evening assignments (sports games for him, the tiniest most ridiculous government meetings for me)
sometimes i miss who i was at the paper, the job required me to be louder and more opinionated and in general more resilient than my current one does. when i told former coworker that i've been struggling lately he was encouraging and said i was "strong as hell" which is not how anyone would really describe me i think. but it makes sense that he would because he saw me do a lot of hard / frustrating things
we can compare that to how my current coworkers describe me. today one told me i remind him of bobbi althoff that white girl who interviews celebrities and instead of having a point of view or a personality she is just awkward and inexpressive with a lot of vocal fry and that's the bit i guess
submitted my first paper of grad school. the cool thing about this type of writing / work is that i can listen to music while i do it whereas i need quiet for creative writing. while writing this paper i played through james blake - the colour in anything a few times, also frank ocean blonde and jodi - blue heron <3 and most of tobi lou's discography
thinking a lot about [] which is silly but not dangerous yet
this month i ate at least one frozen meal every day. when i cooked it was eggs or rice. i never exercised more than once a week and skipped most breakfasts. here are the amy's meals i ate most frequently:
also a lot of grocery store sushi
i'm not upset with myself for this ^ it was a hard month and i had to lower my standards for self-maintenance to have time and energy for everything. but i'm going to try and phase out the amy's in october because it is actually not cost-effective at all
i love the usher tiny desk
09202023. good morning flounder
carrying so much anger that i think it is temporarily altering my personality
[coworker] should be ashamed of himself and it amazes me that he's not
[long-term long-distance crush] shows very little care in how he communicates with me and it amazes me that i still try. stop!
[] just now: i have a present for you [hands me a pristine copy of the official guide to APA style 7th edition] <3
spent some time with ross gay "inciting joy" last night. my favorite part was the preface where he explains why he wrote the book / makes his argument for the importance of writing about joy. when the actual writing started i grew disinterested. his storytelling is kind of exhausting to me. i like listening to him talk though
there was a description i liked of his mother's laughter. he called her a "leaking sack of delight"
09192023. hello flounder
day 19
things to look forward to in october
09182023. good morning flounder
at work somehow
happy day 18 of the september challenge. congratulations everyone on making it this far. 12 more days and then it will be october which i decided will be better
[] shaved his head again, crazy that i've been working here long enough to have seen his naked scalp twice
there are two interpersonal dramas in my life right now and the easier one to explain is that a coworker confessed feelings and then nullified them in a single (long) conversation. if i had to summarize his main argument it was like: i like you and that's why i've been flirting but i started doing that while i was going through a rough patch with [GIRLFRIEND] and we're working on things again so i can't pursue things with you but just know that i fucks with you
men
extremely cool of [professor] to push a big deadline back a week. this is huge for the september challenge
today i confirmed that [] is []. he was always cagey about sharing and honestly he should've been cagier!!! i wish i'd never found this! if i were him i would never even mention it because what the fuck
not the theory i was hoping to prove but in some ways a crazier one. oh well
feel bad i spent my weekend at home being distracted and angry. []'s fault for leaving me the burden of sorting through this pile of shit
09172023. could not even begin to explain
hahahaha
there are three crazy people in this story that’s all i know
four if we count the alter ego
09162023. good morning flounder
beautiful rainy day
also "game day"
chaos!!!
not inside me though
inside i am calm
no traffic
was out with K for several hours. learned a lot
excruciatingly close to proving my theory
home again
maxed out on brain activity again
several hours later
gathered some brainpower to reflect on my conversation with K
never mind i actually don't think it's necessary
on my mind though!
09152023. hello flounder
made it to the library but today as a patron. black iced coffee sip sip
saw bottoms with S yesterday i think we both laughed a little too hard because we are repressed
woke up with sudden acne, my face is a mystery to me
if nothing else grad school will teach me how to focus on things for long periods of time and cope with extreme frustration
since school started i've had to take in a lot of bad writing in the form of research papers and discussion posts. i used to go into research papers assuming the writing would be clear and logical but i've read the papers my dad writes so i know that some researchers do not really care about finessing their language. which is fine it is interesting practice for me. but i feel a need to balance my intake by reading more good writing. but i do not have time for all of that reading
09142023. good morning flounder
something theatrical and passive aggressive happened yesterday at work
i think i am going to react by being really nice
because i don't think this person has the capacity to engage with me about this in a way that would satisfy me
and i don't care enough about my relationship with them to try and be real with them
anyways
just realized i like iced coffee black. sip sip
had a good conversation with A last night
we talked about the specific speech act of asking someone to repeat themselves
with my voice being the way it is i am on the receiving end of this speech act frequently
things i've noticed
one time i watched a coworker speak to someone that they couldn't understand. without saying a word or adjusting in any way, she just raised her eyebrows and cupped her ear with her hand. this blew my mind. i would accept this from a family member/close friend, or from an employee. from anyone in between i think would be troubling
09132023. hello flounder
doing the impossible
(having a good day)
evilswampmonster i hope you enjoy meshuggah :) i've had some cozy mornings there
finally i can flounder
submitted article, tried to give it weight that it couldn't carry, oh well
overestimated myself (rare)
by bringing my school stuff to work
no way i'm logging into a zoom meeting without taking off my bra and shoes
don't know why i've been so allergic to doing work at home lately
but i've kind of been allergic to doing anything at home
seeing S tomorrow and big sib this weekend i must remember this. persist!
09122023. good morning flounder
got eight hours of sleep for the first time in maybe a week
and woke up with enough time to make breakfast!
A dropped a pancake on the floor on his way out. i did not witness but heard him say, "pancake on the floor!"
today i will
music artists that resonate with my emotional frequency lately
also drake but i didn't want to say that
I SHOULD BE DOWNTOWN WHIPPING ON THE WAY TO YOU
YOU GOT SOMETHING THAT BELONGS TO ME
anyways
i wish i could access the files i kept in december and january but at some point i made all of them hidden files and i don't really know what happened but i must have done something wrong and accidentally disappeared them lol
i think in those months i was writing about having/recovering from covid and dating/recovering from []
artists i am phasing/have phased out of my listening
hm i thought there would be more
i thought pinegrove would have a more lingering resonance for me
i thought it might stay in my system like snail mail
but i was just a tourist in amperland
others i don't care to hear anymore that i don't really listen to anyways
it's not a dislike it's more like an allergy
except for faye webster. that is dislike + allergy
sometimes it is overwhelming to have access to so much music and sometimes i think about how much of my music taste is just what spotify has recommended to me over the years. sometimes i want to cease this process by quitting spotify and only listening to CDs but then how would i decide what CDs to listen to? it would just be some other kind of recommendation process like reading reviews or asking other people what to listen to
sometimes it is overwhelming to have access to so many romantic prospects and sometimes i think about how much of my dating history is just what tinder has put in front of me over the years. sometimes i want to cease this process by
hm i was hoping to get somewhere with that
[] stopped by just now <33 he's here studying
some artists i'm convinced only have listeners because of spotify algorithms. i know that's not possible but some artists just have that vibe to me. faye webster for example. spotify must be constantly recommending faye webster to the right people, based on the other better artists they are already listening to who they got into in more meaningful ways
who is getting into faye webster? who is reading/watching faye webster interviews? who is reading faye webster reviews?
i guess i have to now
this pitchfork headline is already irking me
Faye Webster on How a Shade of Blue, Her Boyfriend, and This One Animal Crossing Song Inspired Her New Album
i can't
alioop
i will never grow tired of american football, lol. also i have tried to kick pinegrove but i can't. i always come back to them. i am so tempted to listen to a bunch of faye webster--have never listened before. but now i want to pay attention to see if spotify recommends her.
hahaha
re: faye it is highly likely you will enjoy, the music is nice. curious to hear your thoughts if you explore!!
re: pinegrove i actually thought about getting the cardinal squares tattooed i got so attached to the music haha...would still be listening if i didn't now have such negative associations. evan stephens hall rocks and makes interesting word choices
two word choices that i never really figured out, from "hairpin":
through infidel skies
through ashpodel eyelids
09112023. good morning flounder
feeling resigned
but i think resignation can initiate recovery
because resignation involves letting go of something
letting go of hope for a certain outcome; some desire for/illusion of control
anyways i am 52 minutes into this eight-hour shift
caffeinated
managing various body discomforts
determined not to let this day go by without my participation!
i wish spotify wasn't social media
feeling defeated again
wish i could get answers
wish i had an explanation for the mystery tights in my laundry
wish i'd never met you
i mean this with all my heart
wish K would come talk to me
wish i was in [city] or [city] or even [city]
nice things
shoutout "lamar" from today. when you're having a bad enough time it can be just what you need to hear a rando say you look "nice enough to take to dinner"
09102023. four minutes
it was nice meeting [] this morning. woke up my music brain feel encouraged to try and do some recording after work today
sweet message from F yesterday it's interesting when people suddenly remember about you. crush going on four years now maybe my longest running. poor thing is trying to refriend the ex he's still in love with. made me sad for him, and sad for me that i don't have an ex i'm not grossed out by
called with big sib last night <3 was helpful in emotional and educational ways
by educational i mean she reminded me chat gpt exists, as a troubleshooting tool. like i can use it for accomplishing work and not just for analyzing my own journal entries. revelatory
by emotional i mean just talking to her reminds me of the type of person i am, idk how to explain -- the type of woman, specifically which is maybe weird to say. but after a long day yesterday of thinking (((against my will))) about the type of woman that i'm not (the type of woman that men have used me to get over) it was soothing to talk to the only other woman who shares my origins. if i had to break down the feeling it's like: i love her so i love me. if i love her then i love me. why would i want to be any other type of woman
things [] said this morning
what is a latte
damn nothing is really coming to mind. no specific quotes anyways but i remember topics and sentiments. i remember that he is the oldest of six. something about how he gets stressed out by too much input without output. like after listening to music for a while he's like oh no what am i doing i should be writing songs not listening to them (??) not relatable, i have infinite capacity for input, but it was interesting to hear his feelings
lots of criticisms of the local music scene which i always enjoy
damn that latte was really good. and i consumed it at an appropriate rate
i don't know why i'm always going out with men who seem like they're doing their best impression of a human
there is more swirling around in there but i'm struggling to fish anything out. i'm so tired
SOMETHING TROUBLING
i found a pair of tights in my laundry hamper
i haven't worn tights since i was in high school
i do not recognize the tights
i do not recognize the brand
they are my size
i have certainly never worn or possessed or purchased tights while living in this city
i do not know where these tights came from or how they landed in my laundry hamper
i have a scary theory that i don't even want to voice
what the fuck
i threw them away
09092023. good morning flounder
cannot overstate how difficult it was to get ready for work this morning
but anyways i'm here
listening to the new noname
soon the kiosk will open and i will have access to morning coffee!!!!
this day is passing quickly because of my limited lucidity. i'm barely even feeling it
feeling kinda bad after indulging a bad habit but i think i'm done
wondering how i'm coming across to people today. probably tired and withdrawn
that's ok
as long as i'm not fawning
while i was home this weekend i noticed how much [] fawns her way through interactions and it reminded me not to do that
next lunch then two more hours then home <3
3 a.m.
just did my information technology homework i think i just coded or something idk
09082023. need to sleep!!!
alioop
it’s hard to tell if i am being too hard on myself or if i actually have a good critical eye
i feel this way constantly. felt it a lot playing shows in college
had a good weekend!!!! by weekend i mean thursday and friday
came home to a caffeinated + manic A. he is currently deconstructing a rotisserie chicken (11:57 p.m.). packing up the thighs for me because they taste too "meaty" for him
saw M this morning <333
spent the afternoon with little sib
and likely seeing big sib next weekend! i am a lucky girl. with concerning mileage
taking a break from shoegaze and slowcore and all related genres
09072023. good morning flounder
finished out last night feeling ok. reasons for this:
quick voice check-in!
dr. g has some doubt about the spasmodic dysphonia diagnosis so they're stopping the botox treatments for now. they think it's possible my improvements are from the therapy and not the injection. the botox should wear off by october, at which point i will go back in for testing, where they record me making various sounds and reading some scripts designed to activate SD symptoms. if i've gotten worse they will inject me again. if not i guess i'm a free woman
sometimes i have to take a break from being bladebby
one of the (many) mistakes i think i made in my relationship with [] was the amount of me-content i made available to him. my music and writing is public and in addition to that i wrote letters and sent recordings. while we were together this meant he could study / extrapolate about me without consulting me about his conclusions. now that we're not together this means when he's thinking about me he can just refer to a piece of me-content (he revealed that he does this. a depressing and pointless disclosure but so were a lot of things he said in that final conversation). i have no reference materials other than some emails (now archived) and our text conversation i guess but i hate reading that. this lack of content makes it more tempting for me to make contact (don't do this). whereas he seems content to just read me like a book character. for all i know he could be orbiting the flounderverse -- he was always good at finding me, which i used to like but now find unsettling and unfair. maybe i have made myself too easy to find
while we were breaking up we got to a certain topic (The topic) which we had never discussed explicitly before. he said "we've talked about this and you said _____." when i challenged this claim he explained that i said ____ in an letter (he did not even ask for clarification). i wrote something in a letter several weeks ago = we talked about it ? you read four sentences i wrote = you understand all my feelings ? ok makes sense
i believe in the power of language but i think he believed in it a little too much maybe more than he believed in like. real-time conversation
or he just wasn't interested in having a conversation about it because he had already made a decision and he should've just said that
bluet as in flower as in maggie nelson thank you for asking <3 i didn't know about the damselfly what an amazing bug
alioop's paper cranes have inspired me to show appreciation to my favorite sites so i will take this time to let
know that i really like their poems and have on occasion shared them with friends. they posted the one about the fly right around when A and i were dealing with the fly infestation and we had a laugh
anyways i'm home now, had a giant spicy meal with parents + little brother
really appreciated talking to L today. what a sweet person
also appreciated my interaction with K but i wish he would be more clear
also appreciated when i said good morning as i walked through the room and without looking up T was like is that ___? i like to guess by the voice. that wasn't so hard was it? and then laughed to himself. some people can create a moment out of anything
deeply appreciated my three-person grad school group chat today. G texted to remind us to make our posts. R shared that their plans to work ahead might be "nerfed" by an impending breakup. i shared about my recent experience, we agreed it must be breakup season and then everyone sent pictures of their animals. +25 mood. lasting positive moodlet
09062023. five hours 43 minutes
felt like fall outside this morning which was a relief because it was starting to feel like i was going to be stuck in summer forever
goodbye summer 2023 i will never understand what the fuck happened here oh well
thinking about going home tomorrow to see little sib and pick up recording gear. potential risks include not having time to do school and emotional turmoil from being in proximity to []
something i think about is the way he described his last break up -- "she kept accusing me of falling out of love with her." well you were breaking up with her? lol. i wanted to "accuse" him of the same thing
had an unusually honest conversation with a manager
work is going well other things are not
it was honestly startling to find myself in your flounder. having a teary moment. thank you for the crane. i really like the way you write too
i am glad you're here! protect your feathers!!
09052023. one hour 37 minutes
idk why i've always avoided drinking coffee in the morning. at some point i got in the habit of waiting til after lunch. no more! now is the time for morning coffee
09042023. good morning
it has been years since i woke up crying. my poor eyes. must get more eye drops
in the end what got me out of bed was the activity in my class group chat. someone said something silly and for some reason it helped. also an instagram comment from a coworker. these people have no idea they helped me get up today. haha
will be sad and angry and confused for a while. darn. i barely have the energy to feel what i'm feeling. and certainly not the time. wish i could stop
given the option i would seriously consider eternal sunshine of the spotless mind-ing this from my memory
but the brain damage would probably not be worth it
it was interesting to be on the receiving end of a termination, to be powerless like that. when i realized what was happening i felt sick. i noticed him go through the lines that i have gone through before: [announcement of termination] --> [explanation] --> [weak expressions of remorse / inner conflict] --> [hollow declaration of love]. actually i have always stopped after step #3
had an ok time out studying today
recovering from / coping with this seems very possible just tedious
on the spotify for artists audience demographics in addition to the gender and age breakdown they should tell you what percentage of your followers are failed relationships
wrote a song :)
A is back <3 sometimes it seems his timing is impeccable like he arrives just in time to redirect me from rock bottom. but i think i actually just specifically do destructive things while he's away. it's hard to do destructive things while he's here. so when he comes back recovery time automatically begins
09032023. bad bad bad day bad
unbelievably nauseatingly bad
bad
irreversibly
tragically
comically?
yes comical
predictable
i tried to explain it to D and he said it didn't make any sense. he's right
nonsensically bad
SENSATIONALLY bad!
walking through walmart, silent, weeping clutching two frozen meals and a box of tissues bad
invigoratingly
deliciously
needlessly
bad
ok so this is my september starting point
wonder where i'll end up