💾 Archived View for evilswampmonster.flounder.online › journal › september2023.gmi captured on 2023-09-28 at 15:59:55. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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counseled someone for the first time tonight!! im still a bundle of nerves
feeling a lot better about yesterday. it still sucks but it won't be as expensive to fix as i initially thought.
learning to have a dialog with my insecurity. she is a part of me that my brain made to protect myself. she comes from self-love, even if she struggles to express it, & i can value what she has to say. im prioritizing the fact that i get to feel upset even if nobody else has done anything wrong.
got in a hit and run where i was the hit. im physically fine but my car is all fucked up.
it's embarrassing and awful because it's my second car accident in like a month. back when i was driving my shitty car i drove for years and never had a single accident. which is perfect and amazing.
i have no idea if it was my fault or not and ill never know. i sort of blacked out right after it happened. everything is awful and everything sucks. my work is amazing though and told me they'll get my shift covered.
thinking about this girl from my high school who got into a bunch of car accidents-- so many that they did a little profile of her in one of the yearbooks. i remember she was in my math class, and one day she was explaining that she went to the doctor and they found that she had an issue with her eyes. i think her depth perception was bad. people still made fun of her for it. they still said it was ridiculous and that women can't drive even after it was established that it was out of her control. i still see her on instagram sometimes
feeling feelings about [redacted]. i wish i could say so many things but it wouldn't be fair
trying a new cafe today-- meshuggah cafe in u-city at the recommendation of my work friend. it's close to my bf's apartment and it's very cozy. i think i'll frequent it this fall. i told myself that i can still use the excuse of going to cafes for agoraphobia exposure therapy...but i really went because i just wanted to. taking a break from writing an annotated bibliography to flounderpost.
this fall feels like the start of season 2. i feel like my "season 1" had a lot of specific goals-- getting over some social anxiety, meeting new people, getting started with my grad program, finding a part-time job and a scholarship job, etc. now it feels like that stage is over and im finding new goals. a big one is trying to get to know people better and deeper.
another one is to move in with my boyfriend or to find my own apartment with roommates. i think my mom needed me to be living at home for a while, and now that my parents are in a better spot i think they're ready for some space. im not sure if nate and i are ready to be living together full time though-- i think i might want my own apartment to decorate and make a home first to take some pressure off the relationship. i don't want to feel like im too dependent on him. but i also know that we'd be spending basically all our time together even if i didn't move in.
my last goal is to do some kind of body modification. the idea of it gives me some anxiety but ive wanted to for a long time. i want to make my body my own.
excitedly and wildly over caffeinatedly yours,
-evilswampmonster
dealing with a little bit of what feels like a rejection or a slow ghost. what i should be doing is letting this wash over me but instead it feels like im in the mud wrestling a pig. i know intellectually that this doesn't define me but i still feel rejected. learning to put that feeling down is hard. i don't have to put energy into relationships where people have communicated--actively or passively-- that im not important to them. but it's hard not to
otherwise ok. doing ok. will be ok.
boss made espresso martinis for us on the clock #blessed
~
had a good day at work today but overall feeling a little gross lately. i think it's sinking in that im not going back to truman this fall and, even though i love living in stl, i miss undergrad. i miss my art classes especially. my last fall semester at truman i had painting class & nothing else on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays and i would just listen to the new moon album by elliot smith on repeat and paint.
the world feels bigger now. it feels like im staring into the rest of my life. if im not social one week then i worry ill not be social for the rest of my life. if i spend too much money i worry that ill spend too much money for the rest of my life. i don't have any conclusion to this besides the fact that i know it's wrong but it still Feels like the way it is.
I FOUND SOMEONE IN MY PROGRAM WHO LIKES TO SHIT TALK we're so fucking back i feel healed
looking at my flounder log of dreams and realizing how many of them are about birth and pregnancy...don't love that
feeling better about the workload i have. im still feeling a little stretched thin but this weekend helped a lot. i got to go to my bf's parent's house and sleep in the same bed with him :) i usually have a pretty bad insomnia issue but for some reason whenever im with him im able to relax. i really want to move in together
i want to go camping as soon as the leaves start changing. what i ~really~ want to do is go on a train trip to oregon and rent a cabin for a week, but work and classes (and money) unfortunately are factors. trying to internalize the idea that im not running out of time to do all the things i want to do.