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for jan wentolin,

It's funny - even when I'm sitting down to write you a letter like this, I find myself wanting to say the same things I always say to you: that I love you, and I love you, and that your heart is the size of day, and that I love you, saying these words again and again, ibidem, ibidem, until the words are no longer enough.

But I don't want to live out yesterday's love. I love you, jan Wen - now, here, in the present. I'll love you tomorrow, too, and hopefully long after, but never in the same way. That's usually a scary thing to think about - "love" is supposed to be eternal, even though the lovers themselves are constantly changing alongside the world around them, even though nothing can ever be what it once was. But if we make our peace with that, learn to let go of an eternity we never had, learn to look outside of the past we can never actually go back to, we can start to dream of the loves between us we've yet to share. We've already made our commitments to changing everything - perhaps we've yet to discover all the joys in changing ourselves, and changing each other.

You told me once that you come alive when you're teaching; you also told me once that wherever you go, you want to bring trans people together. You're easily one of the most talented people I've ever met on both counts. You love so deeply, so multiply, so polyvalently, and you love any one person the most when you're allowed to love every person that you can. In a community of comrades amongst communities of comrades - communards amongst communes - I imagine a world where that love could grow unbounded. Every time I'm in your arms, I feel myself coming undone in the most blissful way, and I'm changed each and every time. I think there's ways we can hold each other that we can only understand once we live in a world that we hold together.

We're not there yet, of course. But that's the point of dreaming - to feel in the present what we hope is yet to come. Today, I love you - more than I could ever express, more than I could ever know, and just when I think I'm starting to get a grasp on it, we'll change and be changed again, wake up in a new place, and start over. I was scared of living life like that, once. But now there's nothing else I want more.

mi olin e sina, jan Wentolin.

- jan Losa