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=== affirming trans lesbians
i saw a really mean and stupid video about this.
there are horrible people in the world who could just as easily find out real information instead of playing with someones doubts and emotions, though if they did that instead they wouldnt be as horrible.
if youre already dealing with insecurities about yourself as a trans woman, of course the idea of acceptance from cis lesbians or even other trans lesbians is going can be intimidating. and though it wont necessarily solve the fact that it is intimidating, it can certainly help to know the truth about this.
first, let me tell you that i am still intimidated about this. the first time i went to an lgbt party (this was more than a decade ago) i met some very nice cis lesbians, even some who were "bi-curious." i had no idea who i was at the time, but if youre mildly obsessed (and not only in the bedroom) with bisexual women for some reason, this is one of those famous egg things.
any sort of romantic or flirtatious interaction with lesbians made me incredibly happy. and before i came out to my girlfriend, who in some ways was always more attracted to women than men, she was very affirming about this interest. im not trying to say thats typical of relationships, most of women ive dated were in fact bisexual and few were quite as understanding. though that isnt what this is about.
theres an assumption that lesbians are exclusively interested in what we know better than to call "girl parts", and this absolutely feels like a reasonable assumption even if its demonstrably false. lesbians are, collectively, interested in women. absolutely some cis lesbians (including, but not limited to terfs) are exclusively interested in cis women. some are phallophobic even if they could love a trans woman (i am not writing this from a standpoint that assumes you have had or even plan to have surgery or not) but we know that this is not universal because if it were, all the trans lesbians would have given up by now.
i wouldnt even assume having any luck with another trans lesbian. before i knew more about myself i was very attracted to transbians (i still am) but i would totally understand if a trans lesbian i was attracted to was only into cis lesbians because i dont know, it was more affirming for them. i dont have any numbers, but i actually think this would be the exception. i absolutely want all trans women to have interactions that are affirming, so i would be disappointed by this but i understand. either way, its a known fact that not all trans lesbians are only interested in cis women.
without having numbers, you can find trans/trans and cis/trans lesbian couples in real life.when someone says this cant happen, theyre either wildly misinformed, projecting their own doubts, or simply lying to be jerks.
and while coming out to your cis female partner can make you nervous (i would know) it doesnt always go badly.
women are beautiful, trans women are beautiful and on average (despite the terf minority) lesbians are trans-affirming. the "lgb" people calling for "divorce" are the ones who never had their heart in it in the first place-- there is never going to be a terf majority, and there will always be more cis lgb people who relate more to what transgender individuals are going through than those who (mistakenly) believe they have much of substance to gain from "mainstreaming" themselves and being "unqueer".
the main people gained through such exclusion are barely lgb supporters, barely reasonable and barely understand gay rights and why they even matter. theyre petty and selfish people who basically pretend to support something solely for their own sake-- which isnt real support. and the main people who want to gain such a worthless group of "supporters" are... similarly petty and selfish.
but heres the thing, most people arent that bad. and you can see that for yourself too, but the numbers are promising.
of course, none of this makes it easy. when youre looking for something relatively rare, its easy to play to your own insecurities. community is a wonderful thing. personally, ive simply found more support from cis women and bisexuals, two (overlapping) groups that i was already accustomed to being cared about by before i started transitioning.
im sure it would help if i passed, but i never plan to be stealth. it would be nice, it is absolutely beyond my means. and it isnt a requirement.
i have better odds of being confident. while many things (including gender affirming surgeries, of which ive had zero) can help your confidence, nothing can give you that in a way that doesnt require you accepting yourself. the traits (and these cover a broad spectrum) that help you get into a relationship are being beautiful, which a trans woman can be-- being sexy, being nice, being smart, being fun and being funny. and of course, being confident.
all of these are traits that people work on to attract people. they apply to relationships both straight and gay, cis and trans. theres nothing among these traits that trans lesbians are incapable of. many times you dont even need all of them, you can often get by playing to your strengths.
as for people who try to tell you that you cant be those things, or that you cant be both trans and lesbian, it can be good to guess the reason theyre willing to be so negative. sometimes its their own insecurity, and sometimes theyre just bad people. whatever the reason, you dont have to share in their ignorance.
most of the time, if not every single time, when someone tells you that you cant be loved, what theyre really telling you is that you dont need that person in your life. if theyre a family member, you might need them for a while in some regard. but just as much, you need to find people who, whether or not theyre the person youre looking for romance with, you need to find people who are emotionally supportive of your efforts to look.
at any rate, the facts should be affirming enough. and things often are, the people who refuse to be affirming arent being realistic or factual, as much as they are imagining that reality confirms their uninformed assumptions. obviously anyone can be negative, but the worst people truly go out of their way. its better to find another way.
this work can be freely reused: (cc by 4.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
<3 zara