💾 Archived View for drunkpigeon.cities.yesterweb.org › Writings › Life-Gripes › 2023 › real-cause.gm… captured on 2023-09-08 at 16:05:00. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2023-04-26)
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Over the last third of my sophomore year, I was struck with an inexplicable anxiety and depression that came at the trigger of various actions that were both my fault and realizing stuff that had nothing to do with my own choices. After the first three weeks, I was struck with an anxiety attack in class, my own abstract thoughts blocking out any real words that people were saying. I kept writing my name at the time(not my deadname, I just was trying out a different name before settling on the one I have now) in there, imagining the person behind it as a seperate entity that would help me out of whatever hole I was in. It went away on its own after the school year came to a close, and I thought it was gone for good.
Last week, it came back, but with an emphasis on the depression. I would just lay down in my bed, without the energy to do anything, even the things I normally enjoyed. During this bout of suffering, I remembered something I did last year. As a half-joke, half-wanting to find out how I'd look if I was more feminine, I stuffed socks in my shirt to mock the breasts I don't yet have. I tried it again, and all of a sudden almost all of the fatigue vanished. All that pain I'd been suffering through for the past 6 months was just gender dysphoria in disguise. I have heard other people discuss obscure symptoms, but I never thought it could go so long without the idea of gender expression even coming to mind once you already figured out you're trans. I don't really know what I can do with this information at the moment, though. It just makes me more excited to leave this damned house.