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Appendix D: The Great Empty-Array Joke Contest

<p>Appendix</p>

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<h2 id="the-great-empty-array-joke-contest">The Great Empty-Array Joke Contest</h2>

<p>Empty arrays are often difficult for people to conceptualize— especially empty arrays containing structure. The example joke that follows was used in many presentations as a way to motivate understanding of <span class="small-caps">APL2</span> empty arrays. Rather than use the same joke repeatedly, a contest was established to seek out empty-array jokes. Early results of the contest were collected in the <em>APL Quote Quad</em>, the journal of the <span class="small-caps">APL</span> special interest group (<span class="small-caps">SIGAPL</span>) of the Association for Computing Machinery. Reprinted here is an abbreviated version of that collection.</p>

Association for Computing Machinery.<br>

Reprinted with permission.</div>

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<h5 id="apl-quote-quad-vol.-11-no.-4-june-1981">APL Quote Quad, Vol. 11, No. 4: June 1981<a href="#apl-quote-quad-vol.-11-no.-4-june-1981" class="section-link">§</a></h5>

<div class="line-block"><span class="small-caps">ANNOUNCEMENT</span><br>

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The Great Empty-Array Joke Contest</div>

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<p>I am searching to find the world’s best empty-array jokes. They will be edited into a priceless collection (it doesn’t seem appropriate to have a non-empty price). Many submissions will be printed in these very pages (or ones similar to these) along with your name (so beware).</p>

<p>Example:</p>

<div class="line-block"><strong>Man in restaurant:</strong> May I have coffee without cream?<br>

<strong>Waiter:</strong> We don’t have cream. You can have it without milk!</div>

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<p>Entries will be judged according to my mood on the day they are received. Cash prizes (not to exceed $10 each) will be awarded and —best of all—there is no time limit on submissions; take as long as you wish. Submit jokes to:</p>

<div class="line-block">Jim Brown<br>

APL Joke Editor<br>

P.O. Box 20937<br>

San Jose, Calif. 95169<br>

U.S.A.</div>

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<h5 id="apl-quote-quad-vol.-12-no.-2-december-1981">APL Quote Quad, Vol. 12, No. 2: December 1981<a href="#apl-quote-quad-vol.-12-no.-2-december-1981" class="section-link">§</a></h5>

Empty-Array Joke Column

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<p>The Great Empty-Array Joke Contest was announced at <span class="small-caps">SHARE 57</span> in Chicago and in the pages of this publication, Vol. 11, No. 4. The fact that the table of contents said page 22 while the announcement was on page 26 does not constitute an entry to the contest. Since then, the number of people submitting jokes has been astonishing; they are outnumbered only by the people who did not. Vol. 12, No. 1 contained the first collection of jokes, but unfortunately there were none at that time. Here’s the next batch.</p>

<p>Almost before the contest began (that is, only three weeks afterward), I received twelve entries from one (misguided?) person. Here are two of them; you’ll be blessed (?) with others in issues to come.</p>

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<li><p>First is another version of the sample joke given at the time of the announcement of the contest:</p>

<div class="line-block"><strong>Customer:</strong> I’d like to have strawberries without cream.<br>

<strong>Waiter:</strong> We haven’t any cream.<br>

<strong>Customer:</strong> Do you have any yogurt?<br>

<strong>Waiter:</strong> Sure, we have yogurt.<br>

<strong>Customer:</strong> Okay, I’ll have them without yogurt.</div>

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<p class="joke-author">—E. E. McDonnell</p></li>

<li><p>I heard the following joke at about the same time as number 1, and have repeated it almost as many times.</p>

<div class="line-block"><strong>Lady:</strong> What price are your pork chops?<br>

<strong>Butcher:</strong> $5.98 per pound.<br>

<strong>Lady:</strong> That’s outrageous! Mr. Schmidt down the street only charges $3.98 per pound.<br>

<strong>Butcher:</strong> Why don’t you buy them from Mr. Schmidt, then?<br>

<strong>Lady:</strong> He’s all out of them today.<br>

<strong>Butcher:</strong> Lady, when I’m all out of chops, I charge only $2.98 for them.</div>

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<p class="joke-author">—E. E. McDonnell</p></li>

<li><p>Next is the first submission that involves a nested empty array—an empty vector of two-element vectors.</p>

<div class="line-block"><strong>Man to lady at party:</strong> Didn’t I meet you in Zanzibar last year?<br>

<strong>Lady:</strong> No, I’ve never been to Zanzibar.<br>

<strong>Man:</strong> Neither have I. It must have been two other people.</div>

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<p class="joke-author">—Dan Moore</p></li>

<li><p>The following story was submitted by several people (including Glenn Schneider … who labeled the envelope “One Empty-Array Joke,” but I think he miscounted). This version was the first one I received.</p>

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<p class="joke-author">—D. O. Smith</p></li>

<li><p>This next joke is questionable, in that only the punch line is empty. I had to include it because every collection of jokes must have one of this type.</p>

<div class="line-block">How many empty arrays does it take to screw in a light bulb?</div>

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<p class="joke-author">—Joe Baginski</p></li>

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<p>That’s it for this issue. In review, the rules of the contest are as follows:</p>

<ul>

<li>Any story dealing with emptiness, nothingness, the absence of something, something left out, or zeroness (as in the shape of an empty vector) is acceptable.</li>

<li>Pictures, drawings, and cartoons are acceptable, if not copyrighted….</li>

<li>Cash prizes will not exceed ten dollars.</li>

<li>I am the sole judge of the contest.</li>

<li>There is no time limit on entries.</li>

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<p>Keep them coming!</p>

<h5 id="apl-quote-quad-vol.-12-no.-3-march-1982">APL Quote Quad, Vol. 12, No. 3: March 1982<a href="#apl-quote-quad-vol.-12-no.-3-march-1982" class="section-link">§</a></h5>

Empty-Array Joke Column

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<p>The response to the empty-array joke contest continues to be unbelievable; at least, I cannot find anyone who believes it! Duplicate stories are starting to show up as expected. One I didn’t expect was Number 5 from the last issue (How many empty arrays does it take to screw in a light bulb?). Jeff Shallit turned in the same one before the first one reached publication. I guess there is no accounting for taste.</p>

<li><p>This entry comes from a person who is editor of a publication which would not consider publishing columns like this one (unless that publication were exactly like this one).</p>

<div class="line-block"><strong>Customer:</strong> Your prices are very reasonable. How do you make a profit?<br>

<strong>Store Owner:</strong> We don’t make money on any individual item, but we make up for it in volume.</div>

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<p class="joke-author">—Art Anger</p></li>

<li><p>In the last issue we had a joke with an empty punch line. This one apparently does not have an empty punch line. I’m awaiting (breathlessly) the receipt of the punch line.</p>

<div class="line-block"><strong>Q:</strong> How do you keep a turkey in suspense?</div>

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<p class="joke-author">—Zeke Hoskins</p></li>

<li><p>This is a second submission by someone bent on doing better than his first one (Number 3), which should be easy.</p>

<div class="line-block"><strong>Boy:</strong> Mom, I saved 50 cents today!<br>

<strong>Mother:</strong> How did you do that?<br>

<strong>Boy:</strong> Instead of taking the bus to school today, I ran behind it.<br>

<strong>Mother:</strong> Silly, you should have run behind a taxi!</div>

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<p class="joke-author">—Dan Moore</p></li>

<li><p>This story puts I. P. Sharp well in the lead with the number of stories. You others need to try harder!</p>

<div class="line-block"><strong>98-lb. weakling</strong> (after bully kicks sand in his face and steals his girlfriend): What a show-off! I feel like punching him in the nose again.<br>

<strong>Incredulous Friend:</strong> You punched him in the nose before?<br>

<strong>98-lb. weakling:</strong> No. I <em>felt</em> like punching him in the nose before.</div>

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<p class="joke-author">—E. E. McDonnell</p></li>

<li><p>Finally, we close with a talking-dog story.</p>

<div class="line-block"><strong>Boy:</strong> My dog can do arithmetic.<br>

<strong>Friend:</strong> Oh yeah? Let’s see!<br>

<strong>Boy (to dog):</strong> How much is 2 minus 2?<br>

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<p>Keep those jokes coming. I don’t want to run out of them.</p>

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