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ugh. i don’t feel good about our set. it was so random and disjointed. we didn’t edit scenes well. there was no emotion, just weird stuff. something that’s fun in practice but not for a show in front of people. we’re always better in our warm ups and practices. dang.
too many people in our group performing at once. improv shouldn’t have more than four people. two or three is ideal. we had six. SIX.
too many cooks in the kitchen.
it’s such a terrible feeling to have a bad improv set. so much squandered potential. gives improv a bad look, because long form improv can be so amazing.
it really feels worse when the next two groups completely crush it. bring down the house. inspire people. the person next to me literally said, “that was inspiring,” after the headliner’s set.
their set was so funny and yet beautiful and honest all at the same time. so admirable. so impressive. like watching a sculptor with a chainsaw make something beautiful out of an ice block. something that makes you go, “what the heck, how is that so good?”
i was so awkward. there was one scene where i just hardly said anything because i couldn’t think of anything. and then in another scene, the lines i thought were actually good didn’t get any laughs like i thought they would. nothing more terrible than silence when there’s supposed to be a laugh.
and people didn’t edit soon enough!!! so the scenes just stretched awkwardly on!!!
it’s so embarrassing to flop so badly in front of people you look up to.
i say again: ugh.
i’d blame it on being rusty, but i did well in my last show. i hope i don’t choke in the show i have on saturday. i really want to do well in that one. i think i actually am better at short form than long form improv. we’ll see.
i wish joseph had been there. he always reassures and reminds me of the good lines that i immediately forget as soon as i walk off the stage. or he will say that the audience was laughing harder than i may have heard or remember. or he will commiserate with me about other players’ choices. or he will cheer me up if it was actually bad. he is always honest with me about the performance, which means more than any empty “great show”s. it’s always honest and always supportive. he’s good at doing both.
it’s probably not as bad as i thought. it’s hard to tell if i am being too hard on myself or if i actually have a good critical eye. i acknowledge when we have good shows, so i think i am right about this show being Bad.
oh well. the moment is gone forever. that’s the beauty of improv. it’s a temporal art form. a mandala. a ripple in a pond. there and gone. appreciated and then (gratefully) forgotten.
it doesn’t matter. nothing matters. if i think about it i will feel bad. so i will try to not think about it ever again. that’s healthy, right? right. good. we agree. thank you for your tacit endorsement of all my behaviors.
i should really go to sleep. it’s 12:14am. i am wasting these precious hours my baby has been sleeping without waking up. i am glad she was good for joseph tonight.
but i like writing here. gotta stack the hours. there are no more hours to do more things. i checked.
do people put the time they start their journal entry or finish it at the top of these? i think start time is normal. that’s what i’m doing. but it usually takes me like an hour to finish anything because i read it over about 100 times. (meta edit: i’m done writing at 7:02 lol)
today would have been lovely if not for the impending doom of going back to work.
this was my last thursday with the baby for a long time, until probably december. it makes me so sad.
i’ll be going in person on thursdays and fridays, and work from home mondays and tuesdays. wednesdays will be half in, half at home.
i have a check-in with my boss tomorrow about my first day back on monday. not looking forward to either the check-in or monday. i will be going in this coming monday because i need to get things from my desk, since i went into labor unexpectedly back in june.
but anyway. back to my lovely day.
she didn’t sleep well last night, so we’re going to go back to using the sleep pea swaddle instead of the love to dream swaddle. my husband took her at 6am so i could sleep in some more, like he usually does.
when i woke up around 8am, she was hungry. i showered while she sat happily in her little seat next to the tub. i got her dressed then she got sleepy soon after and she slept on my chest in the recliner. i didn’t put her down in her crib because i just wanted to enjoy her in my arms.
when she woke up i took her for a walk with her in the carrier. i walked for a whole hour, which i hadn’t done in very long time, since walking that long when i was pregnant with her was tough. kind of funny, because now she is much heavier, but i can walk a whole hour with her. she loved looking around at the world, and then she fell asleep. i had her in her little pink bonnet since it was so sunny out. she is so cute.
i listened to a podcast called the snooze button while i walked. in one episode she had a guest who is a professional friendship advisor.
the advisor talked about “digital body language,” which i think is a very astute term. she said that the time it takes to respond to messages, what app you reach out through, copying punctuation/capitalization/emoji-use is all “digital body language.” i like having this term to describe this concept. it makes a lot of sense.
when we got home, she wiggled in the bassinet while i purged some clothes to give to goodwill. she slept in my arms again when she got sleepy.
husband finished work and made us pasta for dinner. she wiggled and smiled and cooed on the couch. i cried about going back to work. he said that this time, right now, the dread, is likely the worst of it. he’s probably right. but i am going to miss her so much when i’m away, and be so anxious about leaving her.
now husband and i are watching the traitors: australia and she’s asleep in my arms again.
i have an improv show tonight, a late one at 9pm. hopefully she’ll be sleepy for husband by then. will update when i get home.
i love reading everyone’s journal entries. it’s so amazing to get a glimpse into all these wonderful lives. all these bright and beautiful lives out there in the world somewhere. with every emotion and conflict and joy being experienced fully.
there’s nothing more romantic than living.
i’ll try to leave a paper crane for every site i read. it’s going to take me a while. i’m a slow reader. i think it’s because i read most sentences twice, or sometimes three times if i really like it. there’s so much good writing on here. i’ve been reading things thrice a lot.
thank you for the privilege.
i don’t understand what gemlog is vs if i should make a journal folder. i like folders. i will ask my husband about it tomorrow.
i know i’m updating all my pages too much. i’m probably really annoying on the homepage.
i really like this place. i’m obsessively building my page, like i do whenever i find something new. i hope this will last though, unlike most of those things, because it’s actually based on something i love (writing) and is not just a fad.
i deleted my social media apps because i know they’re rotting my brain. so with this maybe now i can write and read actual genuine things instead of scrolling through fun house mirrors.
i write in my notes app sometimes, but i am a fishbrain who needs an audience and positive reinforcement to keep going.
i like that it’s a small community of mostly strangers. i can write things here i wouldn’t share on social media. so this place is a good balance of private but with an audience. both comfort in anonymity, and comfort in having your work be acknowledged as yours.
i am glad i added what i wanted to in my own way before looking at other people’s pages, because now i just want to copy what other people are doing. like this journal.
but also it’s kind of nice to have my uniqueness confirmed. i did things the way i thought they were supposed to be done, but really it was just my interpretation, and now it’s a unique thing.
accidentally unique in the process of trying to fit in.
that reminds me of something someone said to me my freshman year of college. i was quiet and withdrawn. and the drum major of the marching band i was in complimented my sense of style. i asked them what they meant by that, and they said i didn’t dress like anyone else at school. surprise to me. and confusion. i thought shorts and t-shirts were normal.
i don’t think i was trying to fit in, but i was trying to go unnoticed. i stood out because i was trying to blend in, and just didn’t do it well.
i still don’t even believe that though because i think i’m a pretty boring person. i think in that case i just dressed like a girl from ohio in new orleans.
i don’t have a sense of style, i just don’t know what i’m doing. i’m just trying my best.
this is rambling and doesn’t make much sense and that’s okay.
ugh i just want everyone to like me.
i was over the moon when i saw brolin’s message; truly so kind. nobody write me any more messages please, because i will love them too much and try to get more.
and that’s what i am trying to get away from on social media: my constant need to show off my life in exchange for validation. i need to pretend no one will read any of this. but also i want to make connections with everyone and be your friend.
i hope you like my adventuring page.
i take back what i said. i do want messages. i eat them up. yum yum yum.