💾 Archived View for bbybluet.flounder.online › september.gmi captured on 2023-09-08 at 15:38:08. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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09072023. good morning flounder
finished out last night feeling ok. reasons for this:
quick voice check-in!
dr. g has some doubt about the spasmodic dysphonia diagnosis so they're stopping the botox treatments for now. they think it's possible my improvements are from the therapy and not the injection. the botox should wear off by october, at which point i will go back in for testing, where they record me making various sounds and reading some scripts designed to activate SD symptoms. if i've gotten worse they will inject me again. if not i guess i'm a free woman
sometimes i have to take a break from being bladebby
one of the (many) mistakes i think i made in my relationship with [] was the amount of me-content i made available to him. my music and writing is public and in addition to that i wrote letters and sent recordings. while we were together this meant he could study / extrapolate about me without consulting me about his conclusions. now that we're not together this means when he's thinking about me he can just refer to a piece of me-content (he revealed that he does this. a depressing and pointless disclosure but so were a lot of things he said in that final conversation). i have no reference materials other than some emails (now archived) and our text conversation i guess but i hate reading that. this lack of content makes it more tempting for me to make contact (don't do this). whereas he seems content to just read me like a book character. for all i know he could be orbiting the flounderverse -- he was always good at finding me, which i used to like but now find unsettling and unfair. maybe i have made myself too easy to find
while we were breaking up we got to a certain topic (The topic) which we had never discussed explicitly before. he said "we've talked about this and you said _____." when i challenged this claim he explained that i said ____ in an letter (he did not even ask for clarification). i wrote something in a letter several weeks ago = we talked about it ? you read four sentences i wrote = you understand all my feelings ? ok makes sense
i believe in the power of language but i think he believed in it a little too much maybe more than he believed in like. real-time conversation
or he just wasn't interested in having a conversation about it because he had already made a decision and he should've just said that
bluet as in flower as in maggie nelson thank you for asking <3 i didn't know about the damselfly what an amazing bug
alioop's paper cranes have inspired me to show appreciation to my favorite sites so i will take this time to let
know that i really like their poems and have on occasion shared them with friends. they posted the one about the fly right around when A and i were dealing with the fly infestation and we had a laugh
anyways i'm home now, had a giant spicy meal with parents + little brother
really appreciated talking to L today. what a sweet person
also appreciated my interaction with K but i wish he would be more clear
also appreciated when i said good morning as i walked through the room and without looking up T was like is that ___? i like to guess by the voice. that wasn't so hard was it? and then laughed to himself. some people can create a moment out of anything
deeply appreciated my three-person grad school group chat today. G texted to remind us to make our posts. R shared that their plans to work ahead might be "nerfed" by an impending breakup. i shared about my recent experience, we agreed it must be breakup season and then everyone sent pictures of their animals. +25 mood. lasting positive moodlet
09062023. five hours 43 minutes
felt like fall outside this morning which was a relief because it was starting to feel like i was going to be stuck in summer forever
goodbye summer 2023 i will never understand what the fuck happened here oh well
thinking about going home tomorrow to see little sib and pick up recording gear. potential risks include not having time to do school and emotional turmoil from being in proximity to []
something i think about is the way he described his last break up -- "she kept accusing me of falling out of love with her." well you were breaking up with her? lol. i wanted to "accuse" him of the same thing
had an unusually honest conversation with a manager
work is going well other things are not
it was honestly startling to find myself in your flounder. having a teary moment. thank you for the crane. i really like the way you write too
i am glad you're here! protect your feathers!!
09052023. one hour 37 minutes
idk why i've always avoided drinking coffee in the morning. at some point i got in the habit of waiting til after lunch. no more! now is the time for morning coffee
09042023. good morning
it has been years since i woke up crying. my poor eyes. must get more eye drops
in the end what got me out of bed was the activity in my class group chat. someone said something silly and for some reason it helped. also an instagram comment from a coworker. these people have no idea they helped me get up today. haha
will be sad and angry and confused for a while. darn. i barely have the energy to feel what i'm feeling. and certainly not the time. wish i could stop
given the option i would seriously consider eternal sunshine of the spotless mind-ing this from my memory
but the brain damage would probably not be worth it
it was interesting to be on the receiving end of a termination, to be powerless like that. when i realized what was happening i felt sick. i noticed him go through the lines that i have gone through before: [announcement of termination] --> [explanation] --> [weak expressions of remorse / inner conflict] --> [hollow declaration of love]. actually i have always stopped after step #3
had an ok time out studying today
recovering from / coping with this seems very possible just tedious
on the spotify for artists audience demographics in addition to the gender and age breakdown they should tell you what percentage of your followers are failed relationships
wrote a song :)
A is back <3 sometimes it seems his timing is impeccable like he arrives just in time to redirect me from rock bottom. but i think i actually just specifically do destructive things while he's away. it's hard to do destructive things while he's here. so when he comes back recovery time automatically begins
09032023. bad bad bad day bad
unbelievably nauseatingly bad
bad
irreversibly
tragically
comically?
yes comical
predictable
i tried to explain it to D and he said it didn't make any sense. he's right
nonsensically bad
SENSATIONALLY bad!
walking through walmart, silent, weeping clutching two frozen meals and a box of tissues bad
invigoratingly
deliciously
needlessly
bad
ok so this is my september starting point
wonder where i'll end up