💾 Archived View for evilswampmonster.flounder.online › july2023.gmi captured on 2023-09-08 at 15:49:40. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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successfully got my old corolla back and got a refund for the car with no airbags. it feels like a reunion to have her back even though she was only away from me for a couple days.
that corolla belonged to my aunt first, then my sister, and now me. i was riding in the back of it when i was 7 and now im close to saying goodbye (again) at 22 because she's truly on her last legs. one of the hosts of my favorite podcast also lost her corolla recently (hers was totaled) and she talked on the podcast a couple months ago about feeling sentimental about her car not being hers anymore. at the time, when i was listening to it i thought that i wouldn't feel the same way but damn. the cowboy in me thinks of that corolla as my horse, and she has a broken leg (oil leak that would cost 3k to fix).
i wish i could say i was sending her to a better home but chances are good that she'll be scrapped for parts. the ac doesn't work, the radio and cd player don't work, she sounds like a lawn mower when i start her(because the muffler swings back and forth. cant be good), the part that holds the oil (no idea what it's called) pulls rust every time i check it, and she has manual window cranks. maybe somebody will fix her? idk. my dad thinks it would be funny to put a really high-powered engine in her and make what he calls a "sleeper build." who knows
saw oppenheimer with my bf's friends. they came in town to see him and oppenheimer on a fancy screen. i don't understand the difference between the kinds of screens (woman) but i fear ill like oppenheimer better than i like barbie when i see it, which seems like a betrayal on my part.
itching for fall but the end of summer feels too final. ive been feeling some old anxieties creeping in but they feel less like part of me and more like old friends who i want to comfort. worrying if i am ruining everything and unlikable, if i wont do well at my scholarship job in august, etc. but i think that someone who's ruining everything wouldn't worry about it much. and im pretty sure it will be very difficult to fire me :)
oh yeah, i also accidentally started to buy a car without airbags. turns out that people who work with cars are actually not always trustworthy? news to me. i like airbags and having a car that i will probably not die in. so ive been working on that!
went for a run with my mom this morning and then went to therapy, and now im at the gelateria for about 2 more minutes working on schoolwork (and definitely not procrastinating it by floundering) until i have to go to work for the afternoon. midway through typing that last sentence a bird landed on my laptop. it was cool but also im worried about the bird getting me sick.
wondering if my body is telling me that i need social time tonight or if i need time to myself. maybe i will see a show? unsure. but lately im feeling balanced! ok time to go
i have work tomorrow and should be sleeping but i have so many things to say
i feel like ive fallen into a depression pit lately. im desiring newness and closeness in a way that i can't quite define. i also tried to organize a social event for this weekend which kinda flopped so i feel embarrassed. thinking of things as exposure therapy and rejection therapy helps but i still feel stung. im still proud of myself for intentionally putting myself in a vulnerable situation in front of what feels like many people. i wouldn't be able to be here without spiraling 6 months ago. my therapist says that these pieces of growth are as significant as they feel, if not more so. but they feel like rain boots that are too big
i dont remember if ive told flounder about this or not but ive found that showing self care that's compatible with your love languages (gotta love those pop psychology buzzwords) is my favorite way to do it. for example, my love languages are words of affirmation and quality time, so i tell myself affirmations and spend time on myself. one of the affirmations ive been telling myself lately is that it's okay to be soft. pursuing softness in my fruit and lungs. giving myself breath like a peach pit swallowed whole, smooth all the way down. breathing easier