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Golf Rules
(With parenthetical commentary by a course owner.)
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, nor-
mally one club and two balls. (No bag or cart? That tees
me off. I don't even get a Caddy, I suppose. I'd prefer
pink.)
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
(And does the owner approve of this duffer par nix-cellen-
ce?)
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the
hole and keep the balls out of the hole. (Although it is
perfectly all right to dangle the balls over the hole.)
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before
play begins. (And if the proposed shaft does not meet the
course owner's specifications for stiffness, course owner is
free to try a few strokes and check player's balls for
spring and resilience.)
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to
avoid damage to the hole. (Although there is nothing to
stop them from experimenting with heretofore untried
lengths, either.)
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as neces-
sary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is
complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied
permission to play the course again. (Players who complete
play without executing a satisfactory number of strokes may
try again if the owner is willing; however, practicing on
another course with reportedly satisfactory results does not
entitle a player to automatic return privileges on the
owner's course.)
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immedi-
ately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player
will normally take time to admire the entire course, with
special attention to well formed bunkers. (Rolling hills,
well-trimmed foliage and properly watered fairways are also
worthy of compliment, and the owner will be listening for
acknowledgement of such.)
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played or are currently playing to the owner of the course
being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage
players' equipment for this reason. (SAY no MORE!)
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their
own protection and that of the owner. (Owners have been
known to lend rain gear to unequipped players, but this is
considered bad form, and may result in the player not being
invited to the owner's tournament again.)
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played
for the first time. Previous players have been known to
become irritated if they discover someone else playing on
what they consider to be a private course. (Nonetheless,
course owner has final say, and may be inclined to invite
more than one player for purposes of pleasure and profit.
Let the player beware.)
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at
all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the
course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised
to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced
players will find alternative means of play when this is the
case. (The TRULY advanced player will behave like a gentle-
man and affect not to notice the condition of the course,
remarking that it appears to be kept at its usual high
standards, and may even learn to use the altered conditions
to his benefit and playing pleasure.)
12. The course owner is responsible for the manicuring and
pruning of any bush around the hole to allow for improved
viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
(Unless it is known that a particular player's predilections
tend otherwise.)
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission
before attempting to play the back nine. (There are no
exceptions to this rule.)
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be pre-
pared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at
the course owner's request. (Be advised that this is rare,
however. Course owners, as a rule, take great pleasure in
players who luxuriate on their greens and can appreciate a
well-tended course at length.)
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting,
to play the same hole several times in one match. (Make
sure the owner has no objection to the use of extra clubs,
however.)
16. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best
player. (Fortunately, most course owners tend to be fairly
delicate in these matters, preferring a discreet silence to
harsh honesty, which dovetails very nicely with the players'
tendency to lie outrageously on their score cards.)