💾 Archived View for cipay.ca › log › everkid.gmi captured on 2023-07-22 at 16:20:37. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content

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everkid

something that i don't like reflecting on is the fact that... i'm old 3:

i'm in my 20's. i dislike being old. i hate it, actually.

it's all relative; to some people this is not old, but i want to be 7, or like 10, and i want to be 7, or like 10, forever.

i'm sure nearly everyone misses those "golden days", but i feel like it's a trauma response, in my case. i can't stand kids, and it's not cause they annoy me, it's cause i'm so jealous of them that i avoid them, and media about them.

when i was 21, i was living with my family. my brother was in art school and very into animated movies. he suggested we watch "mitchells vs the machines". i watched maybe 15 minutes, and started crying, and stopped watching. it did what most media does to me; it made me reflect. i have wrinkles on my skin. i'm tall, and responsible. i'm a man. i'm an adult.

with regards to being gender dysphoric, it sucks because my proportions totally fetter my ability to pass, but at least i can take hormones to promote some amount of femininity. in the case of age dysphoria, there's no medicine i can take that just _makes me younger_. the best i can do is take care of my body and keep my skin clear, but that really only goes so far, as no matter what i do, my mirror tells me how old i am.

on the internet, hey, i can be a kid forever, sure. but it's not the same (duh); i know exactly who i am, and i hate it.

i hate it. end of vent.

2023-05-13