💾 Archived View for augers.srht.site › journal › 2021-10-16.gmi captured on 2023-07-22 at 16:37:32. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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long story short:
she and i are not at the same stage in life, and the likelihood of us coming together in the face of that is low. though the affection and attraction is strong, it doesn't lead to much.
that was the result of the conversation o.f. and i finally had, a few weeks later than we should have.
s.a. told me a few nights ago that i should shut the fuck up and give o.f. space to speak her mind, and her advice was sound.
the conversation went on because i kept quiet and waited for more of what she had to say, and i felt a terrible sense of sadness at not having realized this earlier. o.f. is quiet at times, and needs plenty of time to think while she speaks. i was too impatient, which means i missed a lot of information that would have been good for us to talk about.
but it's okay. we talked about it.
i cried, a lot, through the night.
i felt a terrible, terrible pain of being alone. realizing that, even when everything looked and seemed correct, the fact that she knows too little about herself keeps us apart.
even more sad is to know it was my mistake:
she knows so little about herself, and i filled in those gaps in my own head with what i desired her to be. it didn't turn out to be so.
i am in a lot of pain. it's the sort that rises from my stomach and pulses through my torso, a physical matching of what my mind is going through. every time i think about how this might be one of the last intimate times we spend together, it hurts. when i remember how tenuous this all was from the very beginning, it hurts. when i recall our first texts, first times meeting, first times fucking, it feels all wrong.
i told her, through tears, that i was sorry for dragging it on this long, hoping for the best. she told me not to be sorry, that she was complicit, and she wanted it to be something, too. that is fair. we both tried to make something out of nothing.
i told her i loved her, even though it wouldn't mean much from here on out.
she said she loved me, too, after a hesitation.
life goes on too slowly when i just need some morning sunlight.