💾 Archived View for sdf.org › rg19 › core › 2023.01.27.gmi captured on 2023-04-19 at 23:23:19. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content

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The Act of DOING

Well, I've finally done it. As of today, I am a validated member of the pubnix service sdf.org! At long last, I can announce my existence to the world and share some of my creations.

With that done, the next logical step seems to be setting up a Gopher hole or Gemini capsule, which actually started nearly two years ago in the form of source files that were written before I had any idea of where to put them. That's right, the content was written before there was a place to host it... Suddenly it dawns upon me that some rewriting is needed, along with new writing to make the site interesting and worth visiting. What started as excitement now feels more like apprehension, which ironically gave me something to write about and share with the world. As such, here is the first post!

There is this strange thing which happens often. My interest in something will take a sudden and drastic turn when it comes time to actually DO something beyond simply researching or thinking about the subject. Case in point; Learning chemistry has always been one of my core desires, but when I finally purchased some lab kits, the motivation to DO chemistry seems to have faded. Reading the books was one thing since it was only 'theoretical', as in gathering information about a particular subject for the sake of learning and possibly even understanding. Actually performing experiments relating to those subjects which I read about seems to come with the feeling that it's work, not play. The excitement and anticipation suddenly disappears when the kits arrive since it's no longer imaginary, it's not a hypothetical. This doens't apply to experiments I think of on my own, which is rather strange. Perhaps I'm just adventerous and want to jump right into the subject without first learning fundamental concepts that are actually required to get anywhere, preferably without causing explosions or toxic gases to fill the room.

More applicable to the current problem is the desire to create a Gemini site, but first I need some content. Oh, that's right! I started writing years ago, fully intending to share it with the world, but never did. Most of those files have since disappeared (thank you Murphy's Law). I could just build the site and add things as they come along. But what is the purpose of the site? What kind of content should I write about? Is there going to be a theme? What is the ideal layout for the content? And what about... Yeah, that's another issue I have. Thinking about all the possible variables and trying to figure them out BEFORE actually DOING anything...

Countless ideas have come and gone, almost ALL of them have died because of uncertainty preventing them from ever becoming reality. Somehow it made sense to have a complete design in place before ever purchasing parts or writing a single line of code, and it took years for me to realize what was happening. Oddly enough, exposure to open source software has had little effect to help me notice this, which is rather strange in itself since one would think the idea "do it now, fix it later" might have been obvious early on. After all, much of the open source software is developed in this manner, starting with a rough prototype and slowly polishing it as the design gets modified and refined with subsequent versions. So why can't I do that? What is so wrong with building prototypes?

I suppose with hardware projects, the cost of parts would be a logical reason not to build something until there is a high degree of confidence that it won't be a waste of money. Software projects are different though, especially when money is not a factor. While I'm not sure if a Gemini/Gopher/Web site could be considered 'software' by any definition, it is a digital medium, not physical. I've figured out the problem of hosting, so what's the problem? Why do I not feel motivated to get this done?

My hypothesis is that social anxiety is a major contributing factor. Even if the people are not visible, even if I'm not interacting with them directly, they are still there. Thirty-two years of existence has taught me that more often than not, I'm going to make an ass of myself. Rather than accept this, I've become overly stressed about the prospect of being judged and made fun of by anyone. Having struggled with depression and social anxiety for most of that existence certainly doens't help, but knowing about it is a step forward.

If there is any moral to this post, I suppose it would have to be this;

JUST DO IT.

For once in my life, I shall blindly follow the advice of countless people and just do it, in spite of all the anxiety and the demons whispering nonsense in my ears, telling me it's a terrible idea...

So here it is folks, welcome to Rose Garden 19. Long days and pleasant nights!