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Oh, no! A personal blog entry! Yes, it's been quite some time since I have written anything to share with my readers/friends/loved ones (like I have that many--but it makes me feel better to think that there are people out there who actually care for what I think). I think that someone needs to develop a nice waterproofed notebook computer. I'm sure that I have said this is in the past, but I just want to say it again. Imagine how nice it would be to compose emails, blogs, presentations, surf and whatever else while laying back and relaxing in a nice hot bath. Wouldn't that be great? I'd still be in the tub writing this entry, if I had such a creature--and I'd be feeling a lot better doing so, too. My back is killing me. I've been in pain since last Saturday evening. Don't worry--I'm fine. It'll subside in a few days--I'm quite used to this. Happens at least twice a year. I also believe that I am coming down with my winter sinus infection. I've been waiting for that to happen. Perhaps I'll be able to quit smoking this time. With every sinus infection my urge to smoke weakens. I think I'll actually take advantage of that this time. But my physical ailments and pains aren't why I am writing. I wish to write about my emotional pain. I've been keeping quiet for a long time on a topic which has haunted me for the longest time, and has made me falter. Diana tried to leave me several months ago. In May of this year, Diana had told me that she had fallen for a man with whom she had once experienced feeling for a few years prior to our marriage. he had began speaking with him innocently enough, while I was at work, or while she was on her way home from work.Through these communiques, she developed feelings for him. She planned to leave me for him. After confessing to me that she had fallen, she told me that she wanted to see him, and meet with him. I was devastated. Her calls, emails, and IMs continued, and even escalated, and she conducted these conversations with him in front of me. She even spoke to him over the phone, asking about matters of sex while I was present, in the very same room as her. Diana was killing me. But wait, there's more! Discussions of her "new love" continued, and made it into the bedroom as well. While bedding down for sleep, Diana would question me, ask for my opinion, as a friend, and ask me to evaluate what she was feeling, and whether the gentleman was having feelings for her as well. My love was dying--but for some reason, I stayed. Eventually, we made a trip to visit family of hers, which lived in the same area as her new love. She had planned to visit him, and possibly do more. And I went along. It wasn't until the evening that she was to meet him that I lost my love for her. We had loaded up into the van, and were prepared to leave for his house, but then she discovered that she had lost the directions to his home, and sent me back inside our room to find the paper. It was here that I vowed to myself to not trust her or love her ever again. While I was searching for that scrap of paper, she sat out in the van and thought. Finally she gave up, brought the children back in, and decided against seeing her mister o return to me--but it was too late--my heart had already left. Since that time, I have reminded her, or at least tried to on numerous occasions, that I had been hurt, and that I hadn't been feeling anything for her; that I was just there. These words kept falling on deaf ears. Diana kept seeing things improve, while they hadn't changed any on my end. Finally, one evening, a few weeks ago, I sat Diana down and told her how badly sh had hurt me, and that though I still cared and loved her as a friend, I no longer held truly high marks for her as a partner. Shortly thereafter, I fell for someone, myself. About a month or so ago, I began talking to a friend of Diana's, who I knew, and had spoken to on a few occasions. Our discussions of life, and ill-fated relationships eventually led to my developing feelings which extended beyond the realms of normal friendship. I had an idea that this was occurring, but thought that I could handle these feelings. I was wrong. Eventually, the girl entered my dreams. Since then, I have decided to devote more of my time to Diana, and less to others. Perhaps against my better judgment. I see Diana in so much pain right now, and it hurts me. I have just enough feeling left in my heart to actually feel guilty for dragging her through what I've experienced. So, for her, I am giving her one LAST chance. And for some odd reason that hurts even more. I feel that I am failing myself, failing my own wishes, dreams and desires. And, I also feel that I am failing the friend that I had made--that hurts even more. So, now I sit. Alone. Depressed. Hurt. Unknowing. Lost. I wish I knew something again. I wish I was happy again. I wish... sigh
Tags: #randomness
I really do not know what to say...
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