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Ask Jone

-- Do you have a problem? Send your questions to joneworlds@mailbox.org

A. asks: "I am trying to reduce high FODMAP foods in my diet, to treat irritable bowel symptoms. Do you have any baking tips?"

Well A, you know Tooty moved into my place the last month, at least for a while I guess. His wife said he had to go, because his energy matrix was blocking ingress and egress of her chackra flow. Or something like that. We didn't neither of us understand it.

I'd let Tooty have the other bedroom of my place, but it got kind of wrecked up last month when Del's lab in there blew up while they went out for a taco. For gosh sake's turn of your Bunsen burners next time, okay? It totally sucks, because I was going to get a cut of whatever Del took in from that batch, but whatever, no risks no rewards, right?

Anyways, I got Tooty sleeping on a cot in my bedroom, and I got to say: now I know why they call him Tooty. The smell is such that I can't hardly sleep, so I'm like, Tooty, dude, you got to see a doctor. Whatever's going on down in there, that ain't right, okay? And he's like, doctor, what doctor. And I'm like, yeah I know someone.

Because Lucy's girlfriend, she's not exactly a doctor, but I think she did like half a year of naturopathic school before she got knocked up. And that's basically doctor stuff from what I know at least. Plus, she has a diploma in small engine repair, which is probably also pretty hard. She's got skills and training, is what I'm saying. I'll be damned if I can fix Ric's busted mower, that thing is screwed. But I bet Lily could do it. She's a healer. Even of engines, small ones at least, but anyways.

So Tooty and I, we go in to visit her, and Tooty tells her about his little flatulation problem, and Lily's all like, you got to cut out all the gluten for starters. And we're both like, what the hell is that. And she's like, it's wheat flour. And Tooty nearly starts to cry, because he sure loves his pancakes. I'd know. I make them for him, because he can't cook for himself worth two turds. I'm like patting him on the back, saying it's going to be all right buddy, we'll figure something out.

Well, I pick up this bag of oat flour from Save-Mor, which says "non gluten", and it's only slightly expired, so that's pretty great. Problem is, pancakes made of it turn out so crumbly, and Tooty's pretty grumpy about that. Some know-it-all told me to add some Romulan Gum. Or Xanthan Gum, or something. Yeah right. Save-Mor can't even get an avocado on the shelf, let alone gum from another galaxy or whatever. But they do have Arctic Chill Blastmint gum, which sounds pretty kick ass. So I get some that instead.

But that's when I have a revelation: gluten makes things like pancakes stick together, instead of being crumbly. But we can't use it. So, we'll use the next best thing for sticking stuff together: Glue! It makes so much sense. After all, "glue" is the root word of "gluten". Which I know because I'm into writing, right? And I got a whole box full of that white glue back from that time when I was a grade-1 teacher out in Burloo for a bit. It's non toxic, it's got to be. Some of those kids would guzzle that stuff like whiskey, and they were totally fine. Well, some of them were a tick slow, but that's unrelated. Probably.

Anyways, in my next batch of pancakes I make sure to add a generous 1/3 cup of the white stuff into that batter. And that sure made some good stuck-in pancakes. I was patting myself on the back for my resourcefulness. And Tooty thought the Arctic Chill Blastmint gum sticks I chopped up and mixed in there were a nice touch too. Interesting texture.

Unfortunately, later that afternoon, when Tooty starts puking up all that blood, we get to take an ambulance ride in to Braxon General so he could go get cleaned out. And of course we are very grateful for their service. But I wish those surgeons wouldn't be so goddamned condescending when they try to educate us on how eating common household products is risky. Okay, now I see that I had mixed in some bottles of carpenter and construction glue with the box of school glue at some point. That stuff's not so harmless. I guess things got a little jumbled up back when I was helping Del set up that lab at my place. But what I'm saying, is that accidentally eating toxic compounds is a very human mistake. Those doctors don't need to get all shaming on us like that. But whatever.

Well, Tooty's going to have to take it easy for a while. And he's basically on just applesauce and bananas for a few more months, and he's pretty miserable about that. And I got a whopper of a hospital bill to pay now. But it's okay, because Del still owes me for wrecking that bedroom. And they got a new cook lab in the works, in a garden shed on a corner of my dad's property. If I pitch in on that, we're bound to make some good dough this time. No pun intended.

Anyways A, to answer your question about low-FODMAP baking: my advice to you is to never use glue as a binder in your non-wheat recipes. Instead, get that Romulan gum. If you can find it.

Thanks for writing in, A. I hope that helps.