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⬅️ Previous capture (2022-04-28)
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mood: weird, emotional, and tired
weather: 32°F, partially cloudy
time: 2:30a.m <- decided i'd add a timestamp to when i start writing these as well. for posterity/mood, maybe? haha
i wish things were more simple. that's all.
anyway... been feeling weird lately. my sleep schedule is completely off and i've been emotionally off-kilter. it's okay, i'll figure it out and get better. right now, my first priority and focus is a deep-clean of the bathroom. i really need to take things one step at a time or i spend days and weeks doing nothing, so i'm not even going to go further than that. even writing it out puts the pressure on, so i'm focused entirely on that. i still haven't sat down to re-sign up for ssdi yet with my case manager, our appointments keep being on days where i feel so overwhelmed and burned out from *nothing* that i just talk to her. she's proud of me for making all of my appointments, though.
i keep having interesting ideas for illustrations, handmade clothing, and writing whenever i'm laying down about to get comfy and sleep. i should get more comfortable with taking notes in bed because i'm filled with so much inspiration around this time. it feels like the less time i have to create, the more i have an urgency to-or the ideas to.
normally i have a blockage of some kind keeping me from creating, and i mean, this is no different. it's also just an excuse. i know there are ways of working around the things i find to avoid doing what i actually want to do. why is this even a problem i'm dealing with? why am i essentially self-sabotaging, and have done so for nearly ten years? i know it's easy to say 'it's the depression' or generally just my mental illnesses... it just really hurts to chalk it up to that. i guess in a way it's also freeing. complex feeling. if you are someone who is naturally a creative and has so much imagery and things you want brought to life floating around in your head but zero motivation to act on it, it's the worst feeling in the world. i think sometimes people feel this way their entire lives. well, i also view writing this journal as a form of creation. every time i add a line of code to my https site, it's creation. i'm finding a lot of low-energy ways to feel satisfied with myself which gives me little treats of serotonin to take on more and bigger things.
i've taken my dog on a few night walks here and there. been wearing some skechers shindig fur mules whenever i go out because they're super cozy. it's one of the pairs of shoes that my boyfriend's mom gave me when we were over helping her with her previous house.
speaking of which, we need to go back up sometime! there's a cute cafe in my boyfriend's hometown we both really want to go to, plus i didn't get to walk around at night like i wanted to while i was there. we were way too busy and caught up in all the cleaning and moving clothes and junk! definitely want to get some night photography done next time. ofc it'll be easy to go anywhere when i have the ability to drive, so i'm coming back then too, to explore!
hoping to go by the local thrifts soon. i'm really looking forward to just spending a long time sifting through clothing, old electronics, and houswares. really just want to take a long wistful walk around my neighborhood in general. finding myself avoiding people again these past couple of weeks so i think i should embrace it (in a healthier way) and spend some time beside myself. my subconscious is telling me i need that. my boyfriend told me i need that. and, i think it's true. i avoid myself by putting all of my time + energy into observing or interacting or desiring to be, others. i talk about this identity crisis a lot, don't i! lol
well, regardless, i'm going to have a little fermentation period or something. i hope to write more even when i'm feeling all sad and pent-up.
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