💾 Archived View for punkreflex.flounder.online › fleeting.gmi captured on 2023-06-16 at 15:59:23. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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6.13 11:53p
i did ultimate frisbee in college for social reasons and now i’m doing a rec league on tuesdays and i realized today i am still only doing it for social reasons. that field has probably never seen such a miserable lady. i get such unbearable anxiety for this one game every week which does not matter at all. why
except today the russian kid’s mom said she would give the team $300 per win for the season. at the end we total it all and split it. we did not win because we were playing 40 year old men who might be professionals. everything i say re: frisbee is pathetic so i’m gonna stop
im gonna work on my 1000 piece puzzle tomorrow after work and i’m very excited about it :)
bit sad about ted kaczynski dying. the manifesto is good, everyone should read it
i’m going to pitch a somewhat outlandish plan to my supervisor tomorrow about changing a couple people’s state assignments so that i can have the one i want. i used to do all of florida but then i split it in half with this girl that i can’t stand. recently acquired iowa and i hate it so much that i can’t bring myself to do any of the work. im going to try to offload iowa onto my florida partner and reacquire the entirety of FL. it’s the question of easy work but lots of it vs annoying, tedious work but not too much of it. my strength is the former. so wish me luck
6.1 10:45p
sorry i have been quiet! feel like i have nothing to say these days. my thoughts feel dull. i always get this way at the beginning of summer, it must be some sort of mental bloating from all the sun.
had a dream about carving on a skateboarding a couple weeks ago and i’ve been desperate to find a board. was standing in the check out line at goodwill this week i said in my mind “hey guys can everyone pray that i find a skateboard soon” and then i spotted one behind the counter. so sick. it has cruiser wheels exactly like in my dreams which is weird but they’re too heavy for me to do tricks. at least for right now
anyways. i have been sad on and off these days. 90% im going to sorority house show tomorrow. have been getting overwhelmed recently so i reserve the right to stay home.. but i want to see marble teeth and reggie pearl so bad!
5.19 11:37p
going to the experimental show tomorrow ft mere and zach, really excited about it. was explaining it to some people at work and they were intrigued
5.14 8:20pm
i know i am a superstitious person but ever since i bought this copy of american psycho in spokane everything has been bad. i listened to this podcast about bennington college, where donna tartt and bret easton ellis attended & where hampden college of the secret history is based off of. the host said she read american psycho and was so repulsed that she picked up the copy between her thumb and pointer finger and threw it in the garbage, not wanting it in her home. the night josh passed away i put the book on the balcony and i’m letting it get rained on, destroyed beyond recognition. there are certain things you just need to do to feel better.
blake is doing better, it feels like he is back in his own body. for awhile it felt like he was miles away. i think waking up next to him on friday and both of us crying separately, him not wanting to be touched and me needing to practically seep into him, was one of the most difficult moments of my life.
not asking “do you still like me” challenge
level: impossible
but now it’s okay. we’ve been splitting our time between both of our families. he met my grandparents for the first time this weekend. my grandma is a huge fan.
i’m trying very hard not to develop separation anxiety. the mind does funny things when dealing with grief. i’ve been trying to outthink tragedy, plotting how to make sure that nothing bad ever happens to him again. i find myself genuinely believing that i can figure it out sometimes. my strategy before was to be so well meaning that life feels bad about giving us a poor hand. but blake is a better, smarter person than me and he still got the full brunt of it. so that fucking sucks. he doesn’t even do these paranoid thought experiments, he just deals with it. watching him go through this was nightmarish. i’ve never been so in love with anyone in my life. i don’t think anyone has ever been in love this much. my small little brain just can’t imagine that. it’s nauseating, when you feel so full of love for someone and their whole world is collapsing.
happy mothers day
5.13 7:20pm
my friend died this week. he was blake’s roommate. putting aside my own grief to comfort blake has been a profound and humbling experience. probably won’t be around much so if you don’t see me that’s why
5.5 8:47pm
still sick! the capillaries on my face have burst from throwing up, giving me red gorgeous freckles on my face. i want to look like this forever but if i feel like this tomorrow it will permanently throw off my vibe
4.27 9:32pm PDT
i’m in freakin washington right now. went to work this morning but now i’m in spokane. went to the cemetery and saw dozens of wild turkeys sitting in the giant pine trees and cried a little. it’s been years since i’ve been to a cemetery without seeing an animal. the older i get the more certain i am that God is real & has a sense of humor
4.19 7:32pm
i was under the impression that my coworker was fired last week until she was seen online editing my spreadsheet today?! according to the version history, she’s been getting on every day of the work week. i have no idea what she’s doing because the job is entirely paperwork and is impossible to do from home. i attempted to communicate by writing messages in the cells, to no avail. felt eerie, like i was trying to speak to someone in another realm. no one will say what happened to her, the last time i saw her she was running out of the office crying
4.19 8:25am
birthday was monday! first time in several years that i haven’t cried. the trick is to not put so much pressure on it. i went to work and had dinner with my family and talked on the phone at night. it was a pleasant day and that was enough
4.16 8:58 pm
ones to watch: funkengine is 3/3 with album recommendations
4.16 2:03am
my nightmare blunt rotation came true tonight but i still had fun. which points to the fact that i stay winning
4.15 3:16pm
one of the rats i’m petsitting for died before i got there today. it occurred to me as i put her body in the freezer that this is the first time i’ve smelled death. i went to the mbg for free this morning and i walked around feeling like i needed to cry. it started pouring rain and i read my book in a little hut until it stopped. then i walked around Shaw feeling inexplicably bad. when i called Erin to tell her that Phoebe had died, i admitted to her that i knew that something like this was going to happen today. she said she did too.