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Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
Episode 11 - Life, The Net, and Everything Part 1
(Xaphod, Rod, Gillian, and Arnold Lint have just received the 'Video
Testament' - a scripture said to contain the answer to Life, the Net,
and Everything.)
Rod: Well, go on, read it.
Arnold Lint:Do you think we should?
Xaphod: Yah, why not.
Martin: I can think of a few reasons.
Gillian: Quiet, we're going to find out what it all means. Aren't you
the least bit excited.
Martin: (droning sarcastically) Oh yes, I can hardly contain myself.
Xaphod: Never mind him, lets read this amazingly amazing book.
(They open the book and it speaks to them.)
Book: Hark, who goest there.
Rod: Uh, who are you?
Book: I . . . am the Video Testament. The compendium of all
knowledge and smart stuff from the mythical age of Kubla
Konthemasus. You may call me . . . Ralph.
"The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" has this to say about the mythical
ruler Kubla Konthemasus: He was reported to be from Austria or Germany.
He was supposed to be short and have a funny little mustache. He was
supposed to have died in 1945 and then be reborn in Argentina. His
followers looked upon him as a sort of Messiah, who would lead them to
the land of Silk and Money. All of this is, of course, purely
hypothetical; as were Konthemasus' friends Herman (Hermie) McGoering,
and Crazy Joe Stalinson.
Xaphod: Ralph?
Ralph: Well, what do you expect?
Rod: Well, not Ralph.
Gillian: Can you tell us . . .
Ralph: The answer to Life, the Net, and Everything.
Gillian: . . . why yes.
Arnold Lint:That's amazing.
Xaphod: To you it would be.
Rod: Tell us what it all means.
Ralph: You won't like it.
Martin: That's no surprise.
Xaphod: Just ignore him.
Ralph: Well, it all began sometime in the 1950's. A group of very
wealthy and powerful men assembled in Argentina under the
guidance of a man calling himself Kubla Konthemasus. This
group of magnates were from various political affiliations -
Nazis, Communists, Capitalists, and Urologists. They all
liked money and wanted to rule the world. They also
realized that TV was going to be the tool that would give
them the leverage they needed.
Xaphod: I don't like the way this is starting to sound.
Rod: Me neither.
Ralph: I warned you.
Martin: You should have listened to him.
Arnold Lint:Go on.
Ralph: Well, they began to infiltrate the TV industry. Soon they
not only owned huge percentages of each network, but had
also emplaced their own people into many of the creative
positions at each network. Then they began to manipulate
things. They decided to cast the world in an image that they
could easily control. So each little kid on TV was either
predictably (and sickeningly) nice and helpful, or
predictably always getting into trouble. Women were either
predictably aggressive or predictably obtuse. You see, they
set up patterns of behavior that they could count on. Once
they could predict and control how the public would react
to something, they could do whatever they wanted. Whenever
they wanted to do something really tricky (like when they
took over the Mid-East oil fields in the late 70's and early
80's) they made sure to get the country thinking their way
before hand with a massive TV bombardment. If it was a topic
that they knew nobody would go for no matter how they
publicized it, they flooded the airways with those sickening
human emotion type TV-movies. Things like "Plight of the
Forgotten Children" or "Why is Daddy always angry?". The
kind of stuff that makes you want to blow lunch.
Rod: Wow, that's amazing.
Xaphod: Yah.
Ralph: Their greatest triumph was getting a president elected.
Their plan was simple. They made sure that the east coast
was for their candidate, leaving the west coast alone. Then,
on election day, the TV 'predictions' claimed their
candidate to be a sure winner. Due to the time difference,
all the people on the west coast thought the election was
over anyway and didn't even bother to vote.
Xaphod: Wow, imagine getting a president elected by manipulating the
media.
Ralph: And guess what . . . he was an actor!
Gillian: What a coincidence.
Rod: Yah, imagine that.
Martin: Doesn't surprise me . . . I expect such things from humans.
Arnold Lint:But what does all this have to do with the Net?
Gillian: Yah, controlling TV is great but most people in the Net are
far too dedicated to their work to partake of anything as
tacky as TV. We're all thoroughly dedicated professionals.
(If it were possible for an android to suppress a burst of
uncontrollable laughter, that is what Martin could now be described as
doing.)
Rod: Yah what about the Net!?
Ralph: Well . . .
******************** End Of Part 11 ********************
What are the interests of this Neo-Nazi-Communist-Capitalist
organization in the Net? The answer will surprise you - unless you're a
great stupid twit. To find out more . . . Tune in next time . . . same
Net-time . . . same Net-channel.
danielle