💾 Archived View for spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › teevee.hum captured on 2023-06-14 at 17:19:30.
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(Taken from Omni's Last Word page, written by Mitch Coleman and Dave Jaffe.)
For years we've known that television signals from Earth were leaking
into space, ready to be intercepted be other intelligent civilizations. But
some experts have suggested the reverse is also true. Television broadcasts
from other civilizations could be heading our way.
For that reason, a few scientists here on Earth have been using
powerful television antennas to scan the heavens for broadcast signals that
would confirm the existence of intelligent, televised life elsewhere in the
cosmos.
Recently scientists at a remote listening station in Arizona received
signals that gave Earthlings their first look at television from outer
space. After logging a month's worth of viewing, one researcher turned his
notes over to reporters, with the warning, "If you think our TV is bad, take
a look at what they're watching." His book showed the following:
SCIENCE FORUM. "Oxygen: The Silent Killer." A group of methane-breathing
environmentalists participate in a lively panel disscussion - - - until
someone opens a window.
COOKING WITH BLEZNIK. Bleznik, a sentient vegetable and TV chef
extraordinaire of Traloc IV, gives tips on frugal cooking using inexpensive
cuts of meat, soup stock, and bits of himself.
CELEBRITY SLAM-DUNK COMPETITION. Some of the galaxy's stars test their
skills against the hapless Dunk of Gamma III.
THIS OLD STARSHIP. Tyo shows how drilling a hole in the wall to hang a
picture can kill everyone on the ship.
THE BALTORIAN SPORTSMAN. The crew of the Stalker return from a remote
planet with their latest alien creatures, a Judgecrater and a Jimmyhoffa,
whom they attempt to mate.
THE DODECAHEDRON OF FORTUNE. Contestants on Dirvac II spin a
multidimensional shape to win new life forms pointed to by the mute but
lovely, green-skinned Xxanna White.
YOGAGA. Classes in meditative positions showing how to reduce stress in the
arms, shoulders, upper back, lower back, front upper arms, mid-rear quasi
back, shoulder gills, brachiated knuckle flaps, and hind lower shoulderlike
foreback.
THE COSBY SHOW. They get it there, too.
I LOVE LOO-Z. Loo-Z and Rick-E plan simultaneous surprise parties, and both
hide their gifts in the matter/antimatter descrambler! Rick-E is furious.
NATIONAL GEOGALACTIC SPECIAL. "The Gentle Giants of Gorn." The gentle,
helpless Gornian monolith creatures are examined and slowly tipped over.
60 NANOSECONDS. A very, very, very quick look at something fuzzy.
20 BILLION YEARS IN REVIEW. A half-hour magazine show that examines
everything that has happen since the dawn of time. Also, a look at
nuclear-winter fashions.
CAN YOU EAT THIS? Contestants from all over the galaxy compete to see who
can eat the most members of the studio audience.
ANAEROBICS. The microscopic precision-ski tean of Medea II performs
anaerobic exercises, then turns into vinegar.
NATURE'S INCREDIBLE MIMICS. The rock lizards of Trelgath: Are the lizards
mimicking rocks, or . . . just rocks?
ALL MY SPORES. The Bo'liks spilt up and become thousands of little Bo'liks:
Tandar regains the sight in 823 of his eyes.
FOUL-UPS, BLEEPS, AND MEGATON MISTAKES. A show on how hilarious goofs and
practical jokes led to the end of civilization as we know it on Xanthor.
WORLDS AT WAR (documentary series). Tonight's episode focuses on the
warlike banana-shaped inhabitants of Bronos and their doomed alliance with
the Chimpanzians.
CREATURE FEATURE (movie). I Married A Lifeless Lump of Protoplasm.
Incredibly dense Xaxian woman marries title lump.
GOOD MORNING, SCHLLBCHFNNDR (a kind of talk show). On today's show the
asexual hosts have as guests the living-crystal creatures of Lesk, which
they interview in a quiet voice; and experts who debate the question, The
speed of light - - - should it be reduced to 55,000 miles per second?
HERE COME THE SZAZBECKS! The hilarious antics of the Szazbecks. The
Szazbecks' picnic is ruined when Shenith forgets the ammonia dip.
PICTURE IN THE SKY. Astonomers in the Centauri cluster take the viewers on
a tour of their most famous constellations, including The Guy With One
Enormous Foot, The Straight Line, and The Big Bucket of Dots.
(Typed in by Stud Muffin. CTV (Cosmos TV))