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A Model of Stupidity
by Greg Borek
Sir, sir! Don't run away! It's Ms. Stanley!
(Oh no!) I know. Ms. Stanley from Modelling & Statistics, how could
I forget you. Look, I'm just on my way...
Now, sir, this will only take a minute. I wanted to describe our
latest findings...
Can this wait? I have to..., um, get my nose polished. Call my
secretary and we'll meet later this week.
Sir, I've tried to set up a meeting with you but you always seem to
be busy.
(Sigh) Well,... you have my attention now. What is it?
We in Modelling are really interested in our latest study...
You in Modelling are always interested in your latest study. I can't
help notice the level of enthusiasm in your department. My problem
comes from the extremity and irrelevance of your results.
You're not going to bring up the frogs again, are you, sir? We feel
bad enough about that one already...
Yes, the frogs. "Given the current rate of frog promiscuity we'll
all be knee deep in frogs by 1992." Didn't quite happen that way,
now did it?
We use more sophisticated models now, sir. This sort of aberration
shouldn't...
Oh, OK, how about the meteors? "Meteors at least 1.8023 miles across
will be striking the Earth in the Northern Hemisphere every 2.705
months starting in June, 1988, causing the extinction of house cats
as we know them."
Yes, I admit we've been a little "off" in the past, but we now know
how we went wrong on that one too. We are really confident that this
latest study is really close to the mark.
Alright, alright. What is it? I hope you've settled on something
not quite as complicated. What is the topic?
Human intelligence.
Fine. (Pause) Write your conclusions to me in a memo and...
No, sir, just listen. We have found some direct correlations between
IQ and certain human behaviors.
I would rather have my eyeballs sucked out by a goat and replaced
with burning coals than listen to...
Sir, I know some of these studies have been, well, a little dry...
Aaagh!
..but this one is not that bad. It's not complicated. And, besides,
this has a direct impact on your employee hiring and evaluation
process.
(Sigh) Alright then, go ahead.
Good. We've found that the following factors affect our model human
IQ rating points by the following amounts:
Hours of Gilligan's Island watched -.02 / hour watched
Hours of Monty Python watched +.02 / hour watched
Thinks that Windows is "neat" -5
Casual SysOp -1
Intense SysOp +5
Went to Penn State -2
Went to Penn State under the influence of alcohol +4
Went to Carnegie-Mellon +5
Went to Carnegie-Mellon without a scholarship -5
Number of programming languages known = 1 +1
(if that language is BASIC) -10
Number of programming languages known > 1 +3 / language
Voted for William Clinton -10
Thinks Perot won debate with Gore -5
Trivial Pursuit playing +.01 / card memorized
Chess Playing (Elo rating above 1600) +5
(Elo rating above 2000) +10
(Elo rating above 2600) -10
Can name any 5 of the Seven Dwarves +2
Can name all 7 of the Seven Dwarves -3
Can think of something other than elephants when
told not to think about elephants +25
Number of pairs of shoes over 5 pairs -2 / pair over 5
Can name the 7 Deadly Sins +1
Number of Sins attempted/successfully completed +1 / each sin
...<thunk!>
Sir? Sir! Are you all right? I wonder why he had that glazed look
in his eyes right before he hit the floor? {RAH}
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Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg
Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net