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Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
From: bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu (Bob)
Subject: Re: WANTED: Existence of Idaho paper
Message-ID: <1992Dec14.075615.73515@gibdo.engr.washington.edu>
Sender: news@u.washington.edu (USENET News System)
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1992 08:16:46 GMT
Lines: 275
From the Idaho Archives:
THE TRUE STORY OF IDAHO
=======================
In the early days of California (ca; 1849), Dr Levi Strauss founded a
clothing factory just west of what is now the UC Berkeley campus. Catering to
the young miners (from whence we get the legal term "minor"), he created a
line of tough, comfortable working clothes, called "blue jeans". These went
over very well, but soon, FOREIGN COMPETITION, in the from of cheap French
designer jeans, reared its ugly head, winning market share from the factory
of the good Dr Strauss. In an attempt to maintain its own market share, Dr
Strauss' designers came up with a variety of other styles of jeans, the most
famous (or infamous) being the "bib overall". Upon seeing this monstrosity
for the first time, Dr Strauss demanded of his Chief of Product Development
"Where are we going to sell this disgusting piece of denim?" The chief's
reply of "I dunno" was misinterpreted by Dr Strauss, who sent his best
salesman (western district) to sell bib overalls in a place called "Idaho."
The salesman's name was Billybob Boise, and he set out in search of the
fabled Idaho. He searched all through the west, but no one had heard of the
place. In desparation, running out of money, winter setting in, and weighted
down by several tons of bib overalls, Billybob built a cabin in the middle
of a wild potato field. He soon made friends with the locals, who were
fascinated with the bib overalls, and traded different varieties of cooked
potatos and canned fish to acquire them. Demand was so great, in fact, that
Billybob had to erect a temporary storage facility to house all the potatos
and canned goods. Over the main entrance, he placed a sign with his last
name, Boise, emblazoned in solid wood.
Soon, spring came, and Billybob knew it was time to return to California
with his treasures of potatos and canned goods. Bidding a fond farewell to
the friends he now called "Idahoers" he set out for Dr Strauss' with his
new-found riches. Dr Strauss was understandably overjoyed at seeing what
Billybob had brought back, the normal California diet of sushi, pesto,
avocado, and white meat fast becoming a bit boring, and arrangements were
made to set up a huge trading company in the land known as "Idaho". Billybob
returned to Idaho in spring of the following year, in a wagon laden with mor
bib overalls and a new kind of footwear known as 'clod hoppers', to trade for
the valued potatos and canned goods. Unbeknownst to Billybob, however, in his
absence, the greedy dentalfloss barons of Montana, led by the mightiest of
flossers, Phineus the Irregular, had invaded the land known as Idaho, seized
the warehouse labelled Boise, renamed the land "Spudsylvania" and set up a
private army to control the expected thriving trade.
Met at the border by panicked refuges, Billybob knew his dreams of thriving
trade were in grave danger. Calling upon his military training (he'd once
had a set of toy soldiers as a child), he outfitted his friends in new
bib overalls and clod hoppers, and began drilling them daily under the hot
Spudsylvanian sun in the various military arts. When they were finally ready
Billybob and his army of "red necks" as they were now called set out to
confront the enemy, known as "Spud boys."
A series of inconclusive clashes followed, with the valiant red necks unable
to inflict a decisive defeat on the better-trained spud boys. Finally, on
Arbor Day, 1860, one of those most epic clashes in American history took
place outside the old Boise warehouse. The red neck spies reported that the
main spud boy army was sampling from a device (known as a "still" for its
effect on human mobility) that Billybob had built in the warehouse to try
store potatos in liquid form, and were curiously uncoordinated. Seeing his
opportunity, Billybob immediately ordered an attack, and in the violence
that ensued, the spuds were routed. The main army was split up, and half
the forces returned to Montana in disgrace, while the other half was chased
by angry red necks all the way across the Bering Straits, where they took
their knowledge of liquid potatos. (Historians note: this explains why the
natural animosity between rednecks and the drinkers of potato-mash exists
to this day.)
The victorious red necks, resplendent in their new bib overalls and clod
hoppers, built a city around what remained of the warehouse, naming after the
only surviving structure, the sign emblazoned with a defiant "Boise." They
re-renamed the area "Idaho" and to this day, grateful residents name their
boys (and sometimes their girls) Billybob, in honor of Idaho's first hero
and governor, Billybob Boise.
Now this is a true story. It was told to me by my father and if you call
my father a liar, I shall have to ask you to step outside! The land known
as "Idaho" is therefor not really Idaho, but an area of the same name,
occupying the exact same area, which is no doubt where the confusion about
its existence arose. For the more skeptical among you, I list at the end,
several references.
1) Encyclopedia Erratica, v 12, pp 392-412 "Idaho: Theory and Practice"
2) The Good ol' Boys Monthly, Aug 1960, pp 20 - 48, "A Salute to Bib
Overalls: 100 years and goin' Strong"
3) A Brief History of Canned Goods, 1978, J B Bilgewater and Assoc
4) Internal memo, June 6, 1984, "Emergency contingency plans LXI: A defense
of the Idaho potato fields in the event of a second Montana takeover
attempt" US French Fry Cook Assoc
5) Excerpts from Woodrow Wilson's (first president to visit Idaho) speech of
May 12, 1913, where he utters the now-famous "Ich bin ein Idahoer"
=========================================================================
THE "STATE" OF IDAHO: THE CASE FOR OPEN DEBATE
==============================================
If you would ask any schoolchild how many states there are in the
United States, you will get the same answer: 50. Fifty states
in the Union. It is simply an accepted "fact." If you would
disagree with this supposed "fact," you would be branded insane
or worse.
However, mounting evidence shows that there are in fact only 49
states in the US, and the "state" of Idaho is a baseless myth.
We have been trying to distribute and publish this information
for over *two years*, but our scholarship has not been given
any respect. We have been censored, vilified, ridiculed and
spat upon by the "traditional" geographers and historians, but
WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED!
All we ask is that the existence of the state of Idaho be debated,
as every other historical and geographic "fact" can be debated.
Time after time, our opponents have refused to debate us on the
FACTS. This alone should tell you something about the people who
support the "existence" of this "43rd state."
Please read the following evidence VERY CAREFULLY, and you will be
astonished at the veracity of our cause.
THE POPULATION MYTH
Do you know anybody from Idaho? Do you know anybody *who knows
anybody* from Idaho? According to the 1990 "census," there are
over one million (1,000,000, or 1 x 10^6) people living in
Idaho. But if there are so many Idahoers, where are they?
Some people have come forward and claimed that they were born
and raised in "Idaho." But *every single person* who made this
claim have been shown to be frauds and charlatans. These "Idahoan
wannabes" are invariably inconsistent with each other about the
size (in square miles or square kilometers) of "Idaho," about
various town and village names, and even about the names
of "Idaho's mighty rivers."
THE SIZE FARCE
According to traditional geographic sources (created entirely
by people who believe in the existence of Idaho, and probably
the Tooth Fairy, also) the "State" of Idaho is more than twice
the size of Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Rhode Island,
Connecticut and Massachusetts *combined.* Isn't it strange that
a state with such vast land resources has so few people? And
even of you look at a map (created by the Idaho-centric
cartographers) the "State" of "Idaho" is dwarfed by its much
larger neighbor, Montana.
SATELLITE EVIDENCE
Recently declassified weather satellite information, showing
the entire continental United States, shows absolutely *no
evidence* that there is any state where "Idaho" is supposedly
located. Noted experts in the field of interpreting these
pictures unanimously agree that, from outer space, it is
impossible to determine the borders of this elusive "state."
Yet meteorologists and cartographers routinely overlay
these satellite pictures with the outline of states that
would seem to indicate Idaho's existence.
PHOTOGRAPHIC "EVIDENCE"
Many people, skeptical of the clear evidence that Idaho
does not and never did exist, point to photographs that they've
seen in encyclopedias and postcards seeming to show parts of the
state of Idaho.
It is important to note that a photograph without a caption
is often meaningless. A picture of people in boats surrounded
by mountains could have been taken in Colorado or Nevada,
but when the holy *caption* says that this is a picture of
the "Salmon River" in "Idaho," gullible readers tend to
swallow this information whole *without any further examination.*
We have examined literally hundreds of these "photographs," and
the ones that are not outright fakes are all clearly taken in
other parts of the nation.
ASK THE JAPANESE
It is well known that Americans are woefully ignorant about
geography, which is one reason why it is so easy to fake an
entire state here. Not surprisingly, most of the effort to
create the illusion of Idaho has been expended in the USA.
But if you would ask a typical Japanese or French schoolchild
about what he/she knows about Idaho, you will usually get a
blank stare. People who are much better at geography than
Americans have never heard to this "great state."
THE POTATO MYTH
Any given supermarket in the United States has sacks of potatoes
clearly marked "Idaho Potatoes." People make the assumption, that
when they are buying these potatoes, that they were *grown* in
the "state" of "Idaho."
Actually, "Idaho" is a type of potato, just like "McIntosh" is
a type of apple. The FACT is that *many* states have potato crops,
as well as foreign countries, and potatoes that say "Idaho" on
them are no more from Idaho than Baltimore Orioles all come
from Maryland.
SO, WHAT'S THERE?
Nothing. THERE IS NOTHING THERE. We have been so brainwashed
by the traditional mapmaking community to think that if Idaho
doesn't exist, then there must be some sort of vacuum there
instead. This is nonsense.
The very shapes and positions of the states, and indeed of
every nation on the planet, is only known through "information"
provided by cartographers. It is akin to asking "if Santa's
house isn't at the North Pole, then what's there instead?"
THE CARTOGRAPHER CONSPIRACY
The *only evidence* that there is a state called Idaho comes from
maps. Everybody has maps, in almanacs, in encyclopedias, and
on the walls of every elementary school classroom in America.
Astonishingly, *over 99%* of all maps are created by *cartographers!*
If any clearly defined set of people would control any other
important industry to that degree, everybody would be up in arms
about the undue influence given to a meager few. However, for
some reason, Cartographers are immune to such criticism. Any
mention about the Cartographer influence over the mapmaking
industry (and, as a natural extension, OUR VERY THOUGHTS!) is
dismissed as "lunacy."
As an indication of how insidious is this influence, just think:
have you ever questioned a map? Maps, being graphical objects,
require much less effort to assimilate into our very psyches.
Behavioral studies show that people can much more readily understand
maps than printed descriptions of geographical areas; in fact,
the images on maps tend to go directly into the subconsciousness
of Man (Homo Sapiens) without the critical thinking that accompanies
reading. In a very real way, Cartographers are the *real* Thought
Police.
But they do not work in a vacuum. There are much too few of them
to do their real damage unaided. Mapmakers have conspired with the
editors of almanacs and encyclopedias to create a fantastic illusion
of space where there is none, people where there aren't any, and
ski resorts where none exist.
ONLY THE BEGINNING
This is only the tip of the iceberg. We have much more material
on this conspiracy, and we have yet to uncover one iota of evidence
that Idaho has ever existed. All of the so-called "evidence" is
a mixture of falsifications, coersions, lies and exaggerations.
The Cartographers would like nothing better than to silence us.
If you do not see any more postings on this subject, then you
have clear evidence that their Conspiracy of Silence on Idaho
has succeeded, and that Freedom of Speech has been curtailed by
the Cartographical Thought Police.
What can you do? All we ask is that you be open minded. Of course,
you cannot trust any of the second-hand evidence that you would
find in libraries, maps (!), airline schedules or street signs.
All you can trust is what we have written here. We are confident
that once you evaluate all of the valid evidence, you will be
angered by this conspiracy, and motivated to do something about
the scum who perpetated this hoax.
========================================================================
Bob Seattle, Washington