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You Might Be A Redneck If...

A Man Asks You To Dance And You Take Off Your Clothes And Dance On The
Table.
After The Prom You Drove The Truck While Your Date Hit Road Signs With
Empty Beer Bottles.
All Of Your Four Letter Words Are Two Syllables.
Birds Are Attracted To Your Beard.
Chiggers Are Included On Your List Of Top 5 Hygiene Concerns.
During Your Wedding, When You Kissed The Bride, Your John Deere Hat
Fell Off.
Every Socket In Your House Breaks A Fire Code.
Hitchhikers Won't Get In The Car With You.
Jack Daniels Makes Your List Of Most Admired People.
Motel 6 Turns Off The Lights When They See You Coming.
People Hear Your Car A Long Time Before They See It.
Someone Asks To See Your I.D. And You Show Them Your Belt Buckle.
Someone Asks, "Where's Your Bowling Bag?" And You Answer, "She's At
Home With The Kids."
Thanksgiving Dinner Was A Ruin Because You Ran Out Of Ketchup.
The Directions To Your House Say "Turn Off The Paved Road."
The Dog Can't Watch You Eat Without Gagging.
The Dog Catcher Calls For A Backup Unit When Visiting Your House.
The Gas Pedal On Your Car Is Shaped Like A Bare Foot.
The Highlight Of Your Family Reunion Was Your Sister's Nude Dancing
Debut.
The Home Shopping Operator Recognizes Your Voice.
The Kids Are Going Hungry Tonight Because You Just Had To Have The
Yosemite Sam Mud Flaps.
The Salvation Army Declines Your Mattress.
The Taillight Covers Of Your Car Are Made Of Red Tape.
There Are More Than Five Mcdonald's Bags Currently In The Floorboard
Of Your Car.
There Has Ever Been Crime-Scene Tape On Your Bathroom Door.
You Actually Know Which Kind Of Leaves Make The Best Substitute For
Toilet Paper.
You Are Having Marital Problems Because Your Wife Never Lets You Win
At Arm Wrestling.
You Bought A VCR Because Wrestling Is On While Your At Work.
You Burn Your Yard Rather Than Mow It.
You Call Your Boss "Dude".
You Can Spit Without Opening Your Mouth.
You Clean Your Fingernails With A Stick.
You Consider "Outdoor Life" Deep Reading.
You Consider A Six Pack Of Beer And A Bug-Zapper Entertainment.
You Consider Your License Plate Personalized Because Your Father Made
It.
You Cut Your Toenails In Front Of Company.
You Ever Cut Your Grass And Found A Car.
You Go To A Stock Car Race And Don't Need A Program.
You Had A Toothpick In Your Mouth When Your Wedding Pictures Were
Taken.
You Hammer Bottle Caps Into The Frame Of Your Front Door To Make It
Look Nice.
You Have A Hefty Bag For A Passenger-Side Window.
You Have A Rag For A Gas Cap.
You Have Ever "Hit On" Somebody In A V.D. Clinic.
You Have Ever Bathed With Flea And Tick Soap.
You Have Ever Been Fired From A Construction Job Because Of Your
Appearance.
You Have Ever Been Involved In A Custody Fight Over A Hunting Dog.
You Have Ever Been Kicked Out Of The KKK For Being A "Bigot."
You Have Ever Been Kicked Out Of The Zoo For Heckling The Monkeys.
You Have Ever Been Too Drunk To Fish.
You Have Ever Bought A Used Cap.
You Have Ever Cleaned Fish In Your Living Room.
You Have Ever Done Your Christmas Shopping At A Truck Stop.
You Have Ever Filled Your Deer Tag On The Golf Course.
You Have Ever Financed A Tatoo.
You Have Ever Given Rat Traps As Gifts.
You Have Ever Had To Scratch Your Sisters Name Out Of A Message That
Begins, "For A Good Time Call...."
You Have Ever Had To Turn Your Pickup Truck Around Because Of Bridge
Clearance Restrictions.
You Have Ever Heard A Sheep Bleat And Had Romantic Thoughts.
You Have Ever Hit A Deer With Your Car...Deliberatley.
You Have Ever Lost A Loved One To Kudzu.
You Have Ever Raked Leaves In Your Kitchen.
You Have Ever Spray Painted Your Girlfriend's Name On An Overpass.
You Have Ever Stolen Toilet Paper.
You Have Ever Stood In Line To Have Your Picture Taken With A Freak Of
Nature.
You Have Ever Worn A Tube Top To A Wedding.
You Have Every Episode Of Hee-Haw On Tape.
You Have Grease Under Your Toenails.
You Have Refused To Watch The Academy Awards Since Smokey And The
Bandit Was Snubbed For Best Picture.
You Have The Local Taxidermist's Number On Speed Dial.
You Have Totaled Every Car You've Ever Owned.
You Keep A Can Of Raid On The Kitchen Table.
You Know How Many Bales Of Hay Your Car Will Hold.
You Own A Denim Leisure Suit.
You Own A Home That Is Mobile And 5 Cars That Aren't.
You Own A Homemade Fur Coat.
You Own More Than Three Shirts With The Sleeves Cut Off.
You Pick Your Teeth From A Catalog.
You Prefer Car Keys To Q-Tips.
You Prominently Display A Gift You Bought At Graceland.
You Read The Auto Trader With A Highlight Pen.
You Refer To The Time You Won A Free Case Of Motor Oil As "The Day My
Ship Came In."
You See No Need To Stop At Rest Stops Because You Have An Empty Milk
Jug In The Car.
You Show Your Boyfriend You Really Love Him By Carving His Name On Your
Arm.
You Take A Fishing Pole Into Sea World.
You Think "Taking Out The Trash" Means Taking Your In-Laws To A Movie.
You Think A Chain Saw Is A Musical Instrument.
You Think A Hot Tub Is A Stolen Bathroom Fixture.
You Think A Subdivision Is Part Of A Math Problem.
You Think A Turtleneck Is Key Ingredient For Soup.
You Think A Volvo Is Part Of A Woman's Anatomy.
You Think Campho-Phenique Is A Miracle Drug.
You Think Dom Perignon Is A Mafia Leader.
You Think The French Riviera Is Foreign Car.
You Think The Stock Market Has A Fence Around It.
You View The Upcoming Family Reunion As A Chance To Meet Women.
You Were Shooting Pool When Any Of Your Kids Were Born.
You Wonder How Service Stations Keep Their Restrooms So Clean.
Your Boat Has Not Left The Drive-Way In 15 Years.
Your Brother-In-Law Is Also Your Uncle.
Your Cb Antenna Is A Danger To Low-Flying Planes.
Your Coffee Table Used To Be A Cable Spool.
Your Considered An Expert On Wormbeds.
Your Dog And Wallet Are Both On A Chain.
Your Dog Has A Litter Of Puppies On The Living Room Floor And Nobody
Notices.
Your Entire Family Has Ever Sat Around Waiting For A Call From The
Governor To Spare A Loved One.
Your Family Tree Does Not Fork.
Your Father Encourages You To Quit School Because Larry Has An Opening
On The Lube Rack.
Your Father Executes The "Pull My Finger" Trick During Christmas
Dinner.
Your Father Walks You To School Because You're Both In The Same Grade.
Your Grandmother Has Ever Been Asked To Leave The Bingo Hall Because
Of Her Language.
Your Honeymoon Was In Little Rock.
Your House Doesn't Have Curtains But Your Truck Does.
Your Junior-Senior Prom Had A Day-Care Center.
Your Kids Take A Siphon Hose To "Show And Tell."
Your Lifetime Goal Is To Own Your Own Fireworks Stand.
Your Mother Does Not Remove The Marlboro From Her Lips Before Telling
The State Trooper To Kiss Her Ass.
Your Mother Has "Ammo" On Her Christmas List.
Your Mother Has Ever Been Involved In A Fist Fight At A High School
Sports Event.
Your Mother Keeps A Spit Cup On The Ironing Board.
Your Pocket Knife Often Doubles As A Toothpick.
Your Richest Relative Buys A New House And You Have To Help Take The
Wheel Off Of It.
Your School Fight Song Was "Dueling Banjos".
Your Stereo Speakers Used To Belong To The Moonlight Drive-In Theater.
Your Toilet Paper Has Page Numbers On It.
Your Watch Band Is Wider Than Any Book You've Read.
Your Wife Can Climb A Tree Faster Than Your Cat.
Your Wife Has A Beer Belly And You Find It Attractive.
Your Wife Has Ever Said, "Come Move This Transmission So I Can Take A
Bath."
Your Wife Has More Children Than Teeth.
Your Wife's Job Requires Her To Wear An Orange Vest.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN YOUR CAR

MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.
Not only that but once you hire someone to find them, but you can't use
more than one of the steering wheel, gear shift, blinkers, brakes,
windshield wipers, clutch, accelarator, seat controls, lights, mirrors,
or cigarette lighter at the same time. However, Microsoft has included
some state of the art technology (tm), with which you might be able to
convince a friend to hold the wheel while you fiddle with one of the
other things though. You probably won't crash either. Really.

Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because
attached to the back of the car is a freight train. Using the
technology mentioned above, at least two of your four friends in the car
are holding onto your wheel at any given time, though they keep passing
it off between them, and two of them are drunk.

Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the car
drives you to church, at 8 miles an hour. On the way, the brakes refuse
to work because of a "type 1 error". You try typing "1" but nothing
happens. Oh by the way, your gas may not work with the current release.

UNIX SysV: You get in the car and type "grep store". After reaching
speeds of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.

Unixware: You pay through the nose for your car, which only takes super
unleaded premium gas. Then the chauffeur lets you in the car, which
takes you to the store at speeds in excess of 200 miles per hour.

UNIX BSD: You get in the car, whereupon AT+T slaps you with a lawsuit,
and you get to sit in your garage for a year or two.

afs unix: You get in the car, and are able to look at everyone else's
dashboard in the universe. You can't touch their controls though. You
try to drive somewhere and your car has to get gas from mit first. When
you finally get going your car tries to get to the store without using
highways because your makefile can't understand distributed volumes.
Halfway there you stop cold and have to wait in traffic while the file
servers clean up their callbacks. Meanwhile, people keep walking in to
your car and looking around. On the plus side, you only need one car
and all your friends can use it at the same time.

Linux: You start to get in the car, but the door is being replaced.
After waiting for that, you sit down, and wait for the key to be
implemented. You turn the key, and the car starts up. Then someone
goes and replaces all the fuel linkages. Now you have to get back out
of the car, so it doesn't blow up. Not that blowing up is a problem,
because you're never in the car long enough to actually get anywhere.

Y-Cos: You try six times to get in the car. Eventually the door
actually opens, and you sit down and type "grep store". This takes 6
tries because the tty driver won't interface with the gear shift.
Finally, you get the clutch and accelarator to sync correctly, and you
get shot to the barber shop before it has opened for the day. You
realize your mistake and readjust so you wind up at the store, but by
the time you get there your temp space has been reallocated and your car
just drives in circles until the queue manager shoots your wheels out.

A/UX: You get in the car but it only takes leaded gas. As SysV above,
it takes you to the barber shop instead of the store, but as Sys7 above,
it won't go faster than 8 mph.

A/IX: You get in the car and your seat never fits you. It never will,
so don't worry about replacing it. The steering wheel only turns left.

Mach: The car is really really fast, unless you're trying to corner, in
which case it's really really slow. You can pick any body and
suspension you want, but none of them are useful except the one that you
have to have a truck to be allowed to use.

NeXTMach: As Mach above, but you're not allowed any choices. You can go
just about anywhere you want, but you'd better be prepared to find it
yourself. Once you've found it the first time, it becomes amazingly
easy to find it and anything similar. Your car looks really cool, but
there's no tradein.

OSF/1: You get in the car, whereupon everyone starts arguing over who
gets to drive. After three years of sitting around in the garage, you
give up and start using a macintosh.

PowerOPEN: This isn't really an OS, it's a broken suspension with a slow
engine and one of two snappy looking steering wheels - one only turns
left, the other only turns right. Pick any body you want. The parts
have been in your garage for years, but the guy who's supposed to put
them together keeps blowing you off.

OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and
drive to the store with a motercycle escort and a marching band in
procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town.
New wheels will be out to correct that problem, real soon now.

VMS: You get in the car, only to discover that it's only a large box
with wheels painted on. You can't touch anyone else's seat. If you try
to drive anywhere, it makes a new copy of the car, and sends you there
in it. When you try to get out of the box, it collapses.

Amiga: You get in the car and click the store icon. The car goes
nowhere, but at least the radio of the car is in perfect quadrophonic
sound and you can play "Auto-Bingo" in 16.8 million colors. In two
weeks there will be a new radio which will play different songs, and use
a different dial system so your old maps don't get you anywhere.

Atari ST: You get in your car, but people dont recognize it as a car, as
they all thought that the maker only made go-carts, and everyone thought
they went out of business years ago. The new model of your car will be
out Very Soon Now (tm) but you won't be able to buy it.

MiNT: You get in the car, which looks really fast. If your friends try
to get in the car the car blows up, this will be fixed Very Soon Now
(tm). Once you manage to get your car out of your driveway, it can't go
anywhere.

SNES: You get on a bike, and ride around your lawn. In 34 days, a
neighboor's lawn will be released.

HP 48sx: You get on a tricicle, and use lambda calculus to teleport
yourself to the store. None of your friends can understand how the hell
you did this, but it doesn't matter, because who actually got to the
store, right?

Slide rule: You walk to the store. It may take you a bit longer, but at
least your car won't go crashing into a tree and exploding in a
thunderstorm.

VMS: You get in the car, only to discover that it's only a large box with
wheels painted on. When you try to get out of the box, it collapses.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
CAFFIENATED SOFT DRINKS:
The State of the Art

By: Ted Bahr

Copied without permission from _Computer Language_, April 1989

Perhaps the most universally recognized tool for improving a professional
programmer's productivity is C. Not the C language (after all, this *is*
the April issue, not February), but the C additive, Caffiene.

P.J. Plauger would have us begin this review with a definition:

caf-feine \ka-'fen, 'ka-,\ n[G kaffein, fr. kafee coffee, fr. F cafe']
(ca. 1828): a bitter alkaloid C H N O found esp. in coffee, tea, and
8 10 4 2
kola nuts and used medicinally as a stimulant and diuretic.

Much has happened in the Cola wars to date, and the intent here is to bring
you up to speed on what seven leading contenders have to offer today. Table
1 shows a comparison of basic features, Table 2 compares performance, and
Table 3 ranks the products on a variety of tests.

** Diet Coke ***

Diet Coke is an ably launched sequel to Coca-Cola's well-known, high
calorie drinks. It scours well in the mouth and the taste is surprisingly
full-bodied for a soda drained of all sugar. As a member of the Coke
family, Diet Coke places well in the performance tests with 46 mg. of
caffiene per can.

Diet Coke supplies the user with excellent documentation, taking care to
list a variety of vitamins and minerals of which it supplies less than
2% of the U.S. Recommended Allowances (U.S. RDA). The documentation is
not perfect, however; one particular problem is sloppy indexing. Diet
Coke notes that the product contains phenylalanine, a danger to phenyl-
ketoneurics, but does so in tiny letters on the front of the can, not
with the ingredients where one would naturally search for it (by contrast,
Diet Pepsi places this information with the other ingredients in a
bright red color).

A toll-free help line is provided to support all the Coke products--their
commercials play in the background while you are on hold. Diet Coke is an
excellent reproduction of the market leader and maintains its good perfor-
mance for programmers while nodding to the increased helath-consciousness
of the world today.

** Mountain Dew ***

Long the late-night programmer's favorite with 17.4% more caffeine than
any member of the Coke family and over 40% more caffeine than Pepsi,
Mountain Dew means business. Clearly the heavyweight choice of this
review, The Dew powers its way to a first place finish in both calories
(178.8) and sugar(44.4 mg.). Its performance pales in comparison only
to Jolt.

Mountain Dew's taste is sickly sweet--the refreshing images of people
splashing around in ponds are clearly in reference to the energy derived
from the drink's effect, not the taste. And the participants in the ads
are certainly not programmers (imagine--swimming!). The scouring test
was disappointing--the tiny bubbles seemed buried by the high fructose
corn syrup.

Documentation was generally good, with more information revealed about
chemical content than any product except Diet Coke. A toll-free help
number is offered on the can and questions to the technical support
staff were handled efficiently and pleasantly.

Mountain Dew is still sporting its peace-and-love 1960s logo. The
outdated packaging combined with levels of caffeine and sugar that
show almost total disregard for the 1980s health-consciousness reveal
parent Pepsico's intent to market Mountain Dew as a niche product. With
only Jolt to battle head-to-head on the high end, that's not such a
bad idea.

** Pepsi ***

Pepsi may be the choice of a new generation, but definitely *not* a
new generation of programmers. Finishing dead last in performance and
buried in the middle of the pack with respect to calories, Pepsi is a
generally uninspired product. The user interface (taste) is distinctive,
but its caffeine engine lacks the punch of the other products we surveyed.

Pepsi offers a toll-free help line and has adequate documentation, but
finished at the bottom of the heap in the Grindstone (teeth-grinding
after one six-pack slurped down in a two-hour period), ANSI (American
Neurological Speed Institute) conformity, and compatibility with UNIX
programmers. Although drinking Pepsi while chained to a 100,000 line
Ada program for 36 hours will not make you a raving maniac, it probably
won't keep you awake either. John Scully left for Apple years ago,
and we cannot recommend this product for serious programmers.

** New Coke ***

Coca-Cola's new upstart is a worthy alternative to sleeping at normal
hours. It placed second in both the scouring test and the Wetstone
(thirst quenching). The kid brother to Classic (real) Coke has a taste
somewhere between the thinner, less-sweet Diet Coke and the heavy
syrup of the original. Despite its less-sugary taste, Coke (its real
name) actually has more carbohydrates than Classic Coke, leading this
reviewer to wonder if the programmers who created New Coke were drinking
Pepsi while they wrote the algorithms.

Coke's performance matches its siblings at 46 mg. of caffeine per can,
topping all but the specialty pops aimed directly at software developers.
With three relatively high-performance products to choose from in the Coke
family, a programmer really can have it all.

** Classic Coke ***

Also known as "real Coke," this product seems to be adrift in a sea of
specialized competition. Various tests provided some pretty mediocre
scores for what has traditionally been considered by the general public
the most high-powered cold liquid stimulant (unless you favor cold
espresso).

Documentation is thin for Classic Coke drinkers and thus tends to favor
users who have some familiarity with the product. What's more, the
toll-free help number was not printed on any of the cans we tested!
While clearly a stalwart and founding member of the caffeine collection,
advantages offered by a number of competitors may be worth a taste
before settling on the real thing.

** Dr. Pepper ***

While barely edging out Pepsi in caffeine performance level and defin-
itely qualifying as a "boutique" soft drink, Dr. Pepper's unique user
interface qualified it for review. Bottled by Pepsi, Dr. Pepper has
had little national advertising in the past few years, being seen as
a perennially big seller in Texas and a fancy alternative to root beer.
Despite this, Dr. P weighs in as a reasonable choice for programmers.

The taste is somewhat lemony, light, and fruity. Documentation is
good, but Dr. P lacks a toll-free number for support. When I did call
technical support, the Pepper People seemed confused. I bounced seven
times before finding the right person at the right number. However,
once I got there, support was excellent and very cordial.

Although Dr. Pepper cannot be recommended outright due to its mediocre
performance, slipping a few in between a long night of Classic Cokes
may be just the change you need.

** Jolt ***

Taking on the established Cola giants is a brash move for a little
company in Rochester, N.Y., and Jolt is playing its role as spoiler
to the hilt. In the face of a huge tide of "caffeine-free" soft
drinks, Jolt boasts that it has "all the sugar and twice the caffeine."
On the surface, at least, it seems as if the programmer's ship has
come in.

Jolt's user interface is good, containing the bite and "look and feel"
of Classic Coke and winning the scouring test. Performance is stellar
with 32% more caffeine than Mountain Dew, 55% more than the Coke family,
and a whopping 85% more than Pepsi. Unfortunately, none of these
percentages back up the slogan aimed most directly at the programming
market: "twice the caffeine."

While documentation is adequate, technical support was rather dismal.
Jolt had the ambience of a small company, with the receptionist answer-
ing my questions in an annoyed manner. She said the company doesn't
release information on sugar content, which is odd for a company that
boasts about it on the can. When pressed about the "twice the caffeine"
claim, she said it referred to sodas other than the ones we tested but
wouldn't reveal which ones.

Despite a shaky feeling about the company's ethics, programmers will
find much to like in a can of Jolt. The only side effect may be too
much of a good thing--the Grindstone test left me unable to bear the
sight of a monitor, and soon found me lurching from lane to lane at
80 mph on Rte. 101, alternately screeching at songs on the radio and
babbling incoherently to myself about RISC chips. Use Jolt with
caution.

** The Winners ***

A close look at the seven contenders in this review confirmed some
suspicions and raised others. Pepsi's performance rated too poorly
to recommend, and Dr. Pepper's only real benefit is its unique user
interface.

Any member of the Coke family can be recommended for general-purpose
long bouts of coding and the company is to be lauded for maintaining
performance levels in its newest releases. Jolt, the hands-down
winner in pure performance, is too jarring to be recommended for
prolonged use, but can be excellent for short bursts ofr quick patches.
Based on overall excellence, the winner and sultan of swig for pro-
grammer productivity is still Mountain Dew.

------- Table 1.

Comparison of basic features

Classic Coca Diet Mountain Dr.
Coke Cola Coke Dew Jolt Pepsi Pepper
--------------------------------------------------
Carbonated water Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
High-fructose corn-
syrup/sugar Yes Yes No Yes Yes Yes Yes
Caramel color Yes Yes Yes No Yes Yes Yes
Phosphoric acid Yes Yes Yes No Yes Yes Yes
Caffeine Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Citric acid No No Yes Yes Yes Yes No
Sodium benzoate
("A preservative") No No No Yes No No Yes
Potassium benzoate No No Yes No No No No
Natural flavorings Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Proud sponsor of the
U.S. Olympic Team Yes Yes Yes No No No No
All-aluminum can Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Toll-free help number Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes No

------- Table 2.

Performance

Classic Coca Diet Mountain Dr.
Coke Cola Coke Dew Jolt Pepsi Pepper
--------------------------------------------------
Calories(per 12 fl. oz.) 144 154 0 179 170 159 144
Sugar (grams/12 fl. oz.) 37.20 40.00 .30 44.40 NA 39.60 38.00
Caffeine (mg/12 fl. oz.) 46.00 46.00 46.00 54.00 71.20 38.40 40.80

------- Table 3.

Additional rankings (1-10)
1 - Excellent, 10 - Poor

Classic Coca Diet Mountain Dr.
Coke Cola Coke Dew Jolt Pepsi Pepper
--------------------------------------------------
Compatibility with
Unix Programmers 2 6 3 1 4 7 5
Scouring effect 4 2 3 7 1 6 5
Wetstone(1) 3 2 1 5 4 6 7
Grindstone(2) 3 4 5 2 1 7 6
ANSI Conformity(3) 3 5 4 1 2 7 6
Sleeve of Eratosthenes(4) 4 3 7 1 2 5 6

Notes:
(1) Thirst-quenching.
(2) Teeth-grinding after one six-pack in a two-hour period.
(3) American Neurological Speed Institute.
(4) Staining power test conducted on standard Beefy T-shirt.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to know if you are a computer geek.

1) I have moss growing
A) In my garden
B) In my bathroom
C) In my kitchen
D) On my teeth

2) When I open my mouth at parties, people
A) Listen
B) Ease away slowly
C) Stuff a live weasel down my throat

3) I think computers are
A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Too damn small for the stuff I want to do

4) I think sheep are
A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Annoyingly far away from where I live

5) The Usenet Oracle is
A) A pack of weenies who think about "Lisa" way too much
B) Interesting
C) Not appreciative of the great answers I write; the Priesthood is
out to get me

6) The gender I desire to have sexual relations with is
A) Difficult to understand
B) Impossible to understand
C) Clearly from a different planet
D) How should I know? I've only seen pictures

7) Bill Gates is
A) Bill who?
B) Very wealthy
C) Head of Microsoft, which produces some widely used products
D) The Antichrist

8) In general, people
A) Like me
B) Don't like me
C) People? What people?

9) My friends are
A) Diverse
B) People I know from work or school
C) Wearing the same clothing I am

10) My dream vacation is
A) Tibet
B) Europe
C) California
D) In a room with lots of fluorescent lights and an unlimited supply
of coffee

11) My job prospects are
A) Abysmal
B) Adequate
C) I'll never be out of work, you hear me? Never!
D) They pay people to do this?

Score 0 for each A, 1 for each B, 2 for each C, and 3 for each D.

19 or more : Yep. You're a computer geek, all right.
13 - 18 : You're a geek of some stripe or another.
7 - 12 : Probably not a geek, but watch it...
0 - 6 : If you're female, could you leave a note for me in the
personals column? Please? Hello?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am a member of a group that reenacts the Civil War, serving in the
Artillery. As a mounted unit, we have several horses, and they always get
a lot of attention from the public.

Over Memorial Day, a self-appointed Animal Rights-type came over to our
"Master of Horse" and started proclaiming:

"Listen here! I was raised around horses, I *know* horses, and you are
mistreating that one there! That horse is obviously pregnant, and should
not be forced to pull loads."

About that time, the horse (a gelded male) elected to urinate. One of
the guys in the unit, who had heard the woman's tirade, called out:

"My god! It's water's broke and there's a leg coming out!"

The woman left quickly and quietly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Every now and again a US Postal Service employee or ex-employee gets a
gun and kills a few people at his work site. Pundits are beginning to
wonder why this happens so often.

I think they're looking at the problem the wrong way.

The US Postal Service is an immense enterprise. Anything, including
attempts to shoot a half dozen co-workers, will happen rather often. The
pundits should wonder why USPS massacres only happen once or twice per
year.

Actually, USPS employees shoot up their offices a half dozen times per
year or more. So why don't we hear about it more often? Because these
are Postal Service employees. The bullets take weeks to reach their
destinations, allowing plenty of time to dodge, and many don't make it at
all.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
(A coworker says that his friend saw this happen. I don't care if
it's an urban legend or not, it cracked me up.)

An obviously upset golfer drove his cart over to the edge of a small
river winding through the course. He stomped out of the cart, grabbed
his entire golf bag, and heaved it into the middle of the river. He
then headed toward the parking lot, apparently never to golf again.
The friend watched the man walk out into the parking lot, stop, turn
around, and walk all the way back to the river. He was sure that the
man had cooled off and was going back to get his clubs.
Sure enough, the angry man waded into the river up to his waist and
picked up his golf bag. He then unzipped the pocket, grabbed his car
keys, threw the bag back down, and left.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a bar and orders three martinis simultaneously.
The bartender is curious and asks why. The man says: "I used to go out
for a drink each evening with my brother and sister who have since moved away. This makes me feel closer to them."

The man comes into the bar several nights in a row and does the same
thing. However, one night he comes in and only orders two drinks. The
bartender is concerned. "Gee," he says, "it's none of my business but I
hope nothing happened to your brother or sister."

"Oh, no," the guy replies, "I quit drinking."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, a physician at a children's hospital, occasionally comes home
with some rather strange stories. This one seemed inappropriate for
Reader's Digest so I thought I'd try it here.

She first met this family when mom brought one of her kids in to the ER
with part of her finger nearly cut off. The poor kid was crying and
needed some comforting. However, mom just didn't quite react the way one
would hope a mom should. Let's just say it was a good thing that dad
showed up to help comfort and care for the poor kid.

The next day my wife sees the kid and her sibs in the ER again with two
police officers. She asks them why they were back at the ER again.
Seems that dad called home to see how the kid was doing only to get no
answer. After a while he calls the police who show up and have to break
in only to the find the kids home alone.

Well as they pack up the kids to take them to a shelter, mom shows up
with her 5 year old son. She's still acting very odd, but does manage to
have a few choice comments about the police and what she thinks of them
doing their job. The police have some comments about her concept of
motherhood. Then they ask her where she was. Before she could open her
mouth the 5 year old says "We were out buying and selling drugs."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
One fine day while Clinton was jogging through Washington, He came
upon a corner and saw a prostitute. He thought to himself for a moment
and then decided "Why Not."
AS he approached the prostitute, she recognized him. When he asked
"How Much?" She replied "$1200 !!"
"1200 !!!!!" gasped Clinton "That's a lot of money, But all I have
is $30."
The prostitute turned him down. So clinton jogged away.

The next day, Clinton jogged by the same corner, saw the same
prostitute, and had the same conversation. Once again, he was turned
away.

On the third day, Hillary decided to go jogging with Bill, and it
just so happened that they passed this same prostitute. When Bill saw
the prostitute, he began to get worried. He was not sure of the way in
which Hillary would react if she discovered that he had been soliciting
a prostitute. When they passed the prostitute, She just looked at Bill,
shook her head and said " SEE WHAT YOU GET FOR $30 !!!!!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nice, France - 22-year old Jacquelyn LaBow was thrown in jail
for six days for riding naked on an elephant beside a busy
highway during rush hour. Why???

Sunderland, England - A 53-year old was rushed to hospital
with breathing problems when he mistook a bottle of glue for
nasal spray, and sealed his nose shut. Don't they have
product labels over there???

Miserton, England - 37-year old Alison Hewson shot her
husband in the head with a pellet gun because he hadn't
brought in the wash from the clothesline. He was treated
at a hospital and released. Mrs. Hewson received two years
probation after admitting to the shooting. We wonder what the
penalty is in England for forgetting to make the bed.

Livonia, Michigan - Enterprising Dr. M. George found a fast
way for flu patients to get their shots. He set up a
drive-thru window. Patients pull up, stick their arms out the
car windows, get the shots, then pay $20.00. They are asked
to hang around for 10 minutes to make sure they don't have a
reaction to the vaccine. We simply can't wait for brain
surgeons to take up this practice ("We'll take the double
prefrontal lobotomy with a side order of fries...")

Afula, Israel - Yosef Levin was charged with stealing the
wallets of at least six guests at his daughter Octavia's
wedding. To make matters worse, he was arrested by the father
of the groom, police chief Gershom Sliverton.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton is feeling overwhelmed with negative public opinion and
decides to get out of the White House for a few hours to clear his head.
He dons a disguise and starts walking around Washington. He stops first
at the Washington Memorial and goes in and says "George, George, George,
what can you tell me about running the country? A voice replies
"Protect the Constitution". He then goes to the Jefferson Memorial and
says "Tom, Tom, Tom, What can you tell me to be a better President? A
voice replies "Protect the 1st Ammendment". He then goes to the Lincoln
Memorial and says "Abe, Abe, Abe, How can I best serve the people of
this great country? A voice replies... "Go to Ford's Theatre"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, a man was walking in the forest. He came across a deep hole in
the middle of nowhere. He was a naturally curious sort of person, and
wanted to find out how deep the hole was. He found a small stone and
tossed it in the hole, and listened for the sound as it hit the bottom.

After some seconds, he realised that the hole was deeper than he
thought. He could still not hear the sound made by the stone. Perhaps
it was too small, and didn't make enough of a sound to hear.

Realising this might be the case, he started looking for a bigger rock.
Finding a suitably sized one, he approached to hole again, and tossed it
in. He waited. Still no sound... He began to wander around the hole's
perimeter looking for a larger object, he had to go quite a distance
from the hole to find an object that would suit his purpose, but about a
hundred metres away from the hole he found a railway sleeper. It was
extremely heavy and would make a huge sound when it hit the bottom of
the hole... then he would know how deep the hole was.

With veins popping out from his forehead, he strained and lugged and
hefted the railway sleeper across to the hole. He pushed it over the
edge and waited again ... Still he could hear nothing... This hole, he
thought, must be REALLY deep

He listened longer, soon he heard a strange sound, not the sound of a
small stone pinging against the sides of an enormously deep hole, nor
the sounds of a larger rock bouncing off the bedrock of 300 million
years ago, deep below the surface. It wasn't the sound of a railway
sleeper smashing against the sides of a vacuous void in the forest.
What it sounded like was galloping.

It sounded like small hooves galloping along behind the man while he
leaned over the side of the hole. He realised at that mment that his
backside had made a perfect target for the goat that was charging at him
at blinding speed.

He quickly summed up the situation and neatly sidestepped the charging
goat. It raced straight down the hole, and again the curious man
listened for sounds that did not come.

Just then he heard the sounds of an approaching human. Maybe, he
thought, he could ask this person about the hole. But before he could
speak, the other man opened his mouth to speak. (He was a farmer and
chewed a long stem of grass as was his wont). "Listen mate, you haven't
seen a goat around here anywhere have ya?"

Our curious friend felt as though he was at fault for the goat's demise
... after all, he DID present a pretty good target leaning over the hole
like that.

He didn't want to get in trouble.

"No," he said, shaking his head, and looking around for a goat that he
knew was at that moment plummetting into the depths of the earth.

"Oh well" said the farmer... "It couldn't have gotten far... It was tied
to a railway sleeper when I left it."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
MEMORANDUM TO ALL OFFICE MANAGERS AND PERSONNEL

Subject: Decorating Offices for Christmas

We have been informed by the Office of Health, Education, and Welfare,
that a White Christmas would be in violation of Title II of the Civil
Rights act of 1964, as amended. Therefore, the following steps are to be
taken to insure that we comply with the Act during the Christmas Season
in the offices:

a. All Christmas trees must have at least 23.4% colored bulbs and they
must be placed throughout the tree and not segregated in the back
of the tree.

b. Christmas presents cannot be wrapped in white paper. However,
interim approval can be given if colored ribbon is used to tie
them.

c. If a manger scene is used, 20% of the angels and one out of the
Three Kings must be of a minority race.

d. If Christmas music is played, "We Shall Overcome" must be given
equal time. Under no circumstances is "I'm Dreaming of a White
Christmas" to be played.

e. Care should be taken in party planning. For example:

1) Use Pink champagne instead of white.
2) Turkey may be served, but only if the white and dark meat are on
the same platter. There will be no separate but equal platters
permitted.
3) Use chocolate royale ice cream instead of vanilla.
4) Both chocolate and white milk must be served. There will be no
freedom of choice plan. Milk must be served without regard to
color.

A team from HEW will visit us on December 24th to determine our
compliance with the Act. If it snows on Christmas Eve, we are in a hell
of a lot of trouble.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A salesman was filling up his car with gas at some small town in Ohio
when he noticed an outhouse behind the station with a TV antenna
attached. Curious, he went inside to pay and asked the clerk about the
antenna. "Oh" he chuckled, "there was some guy from Kentucky who needed
a place to stay and asked the boss if he could move in". "You mean
there is actually someone living in an o u t h o u s e???!!!" said the
salesman in disbelief. "Yeah" snorted the clerk. The salesman walked
back to the car just shaking his head. A couple weeks later, the
salesman found himself in the same town, and so he stopped by for some
gas, and to his amazement saw not one but TWO antennas attached to the
side of the outhouse. He marched into the station to inquire and met
the same clerk. "WHAT is the deal with the second antenna???!!!!"
"Oh that?, that fella from Kentucky just sub-letted the basement to some
guy from Atlanta".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Future airplanes run by various operating systems:

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, jumps on, and lets it coast
till it skids... then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS w/QEMM: same as DOS but with more leg room to push.

MAC: all the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, etc.,
look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you
ask questions about details you are told you don't need to know,
don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without
knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: to get on board you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different
times by standing in 10 different lines; then you have to fill
out a form that states how you want your seating arrangement to
be--whether it should have the look and feel of an ocean liner,
a passenger train, or a bus. If you are successful in getting on
board and getting off the ground you have a wonderful, enjoyable
trip... except for times when the rudder and flaps freeze stuck,
in which case you have time to say your prayers and get your
personal things in order before you crash.

Windows: nice colorful airport terminal, friendly stewards/stewardesses,
easy access to a plane, uneventful takeoff.... then BOOM!
you blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: everyone sits on the runway and forms the outline of a plane, then
they just sit there and go "PHHLLZZZSST" like they're flying.

Unix: everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come to
the airport. Then they go out on the runway and piece it together,
all the time arguing about what kind of plane they are building.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The three little pigs were driving around one night with nothing to
do, so one of them said, "Let's go to the Swine Trough Bar and tip a
brew or two." So, that sounded pretty good and they did. The first
little pig walks up to the bar and says, "Bar keep. Give me a beer."
The pig gets his beer, swigs it down, and immediately heads off to the
boys room to take a leak, bad! The second little pig sauntered up and
said, "I'll have what he's having. Give me a beer." He gets his
beer, swills it down, and also heads off to the back room to make his
bladder gladder. The third little pig says, "give me a beer too."
Drinks in down. Says, "I'll take another." And another, and another,
and another. Just sits there. Finally, the bar keep says, "Hey, what
gives with you? Why aren't you like your piggy firends, back there
takin a leak?" Third little pig says, "Well, pal, I'm one little pig
that goes wee, wee, wee, all the way home."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEW "The Complete Personal Protection System"

If you are looking for a means of self protection
without the risk of the legal problems of carrying a firearm
or the hassle of qualifying for a Mace or Pepper Spray permit
this product is for you! Our new product "The Denny Brick" is
not only easy to use (people with I.Q.s of a brick can and
have used it successfully) it has also been certified as
legal to use by the California court system. The "Denny
Brick" Personal Protection System can be concealed on ones
person enabling you to feel safe virtually anywhere.
At only $69.95 for the standard model or $124.95 for the
deluxe model, autographed by the infamous troglodytes Damian
Williams and Henry Watson as well as the affable Reginald
Denny, you can't afford to be without this incredible product
to safeguard you and your family. Each brick comes with a
five (5) minute color demonstration video showing step-by-
step how to use your brick. Watch slow motion and stop action
demonstrations by Damian Williams on the correct use of the
brick, with an assist by Reginald Denny. All bricks are
guaranteed and certified to have come from South Central Los
Angeles from buildings damaged during the 1992 riot.
If all that isn't enough your brick also includes a list
of ten court tested and approved excuses for its use, if you
are ever legally challenged for using your brick. These
excuses have been certified as valid by courts all over the
country. Some examples are: "It is not my fault as I was
swept up in the excitement of the moment," or "I'm a member
of [fill in your choice] minority group and have a right to
rebel against the repressive American society," or for you
gals, "I'm not responsible, a hormonal (PMS) imbalance caused
me to act," or for your guys "I was driven to it by my
wife's, girlfriend's, mistress', ex's hormonal imbalance" and
six more sure fire excuses that will guarantee immunity from
prosecution.
Don't let another day pass without the protection of
this unique product.

Oliver Wendell Holmes wrote "if a man reasonably believes
that he is in immediate danger of death or grievous bodily
harm from his assailant he may stand his ground and ... if he
kills him he has not exceeded the bounds of lawful self
defense." The right to stand one's ground is rooted in the
uniquely American concepts of individual freedom and self
determination. While we look to the law to provide justice,
we are required to look no further than our own capabilities
to defend ourselves should we face an immediate threat to our
lives or property.

Lately the American justice system has ruled that using a
brick in any manner against another human being is
justified. Don't be caught without your brick...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Great Hatching of the Mysterious Unknown Force

The following is a selection from the Sacred Scrolls of the Gnostic
Church of the Mysterious Unknown Force, compiled by His Holiness, Chief
Profit George Schlepper the First:

In the beginning there was Nothing. Lots and lots of it. Still is, in
fact. Only difference now is that there are little bits of Something here
and there with lots of Nothing in between, whereas once all the Something
was gathered together in one place surrounded on all sides by lots and
lots of Nothing.

Don't ask me how it got there; only the Mysterious Unknown Force knows
for sure, and he's not telling. He's not doing much of anything else
these days either, which is probably for the best. He's gotten a bit
rusty at mucking about with Reality, and would probably only make one big
Cosmic Mess. Some people say he already has.

Anyway, that big glob of Something at the centre of the Nothing was
egg-shaped, and for very good reason; it was, in fact, an egg. Scientists
tell us this was the Cosmic Egg, but we at the Gnostic Church of the
Mysterious Unknown Force know better. The Something was all gathered
inside the shell of a giant Silly Putty Egg, the biggest one that's ever
been. We'll call it the Primordial Silly Putty Egg, because I kind of
like the sound of that and I'm the Chief Profit and you're not.

Well, this Primordial Silly Putty Egg was just sitting there,
surrounded by lots and lots of Nothing, waiting for the moment we at the
G.C.O.T.M.U.F. call the Great Hatching. Now, nobody knows exactly when
this happened. Even if the aforementioned M.U.F. was in the mood to tell,
I have it on good authority that his watch was on the fritz, so we'll
just say that it was a long time ago, when Ronald Reagan was still a very
young man. (I know, such magnitudes boggle the mind, but pretty soon
we'll be getting on to more comprehensible things.)

If you're going to make a Universe, you've got to break an Egg, and
that's exactly what the Mysterious Unknown Force did, scattering bits of
Silly Putty throughout the Nothing to become the stars, planets, and
little tiny Silly Putty Eggs we all know and love. Everything you see and
touch is made of nothing but Silly Putty cleverly disguised.

(Yes, I know that the existence of a Primordial Silly Putty Egg implies
the existence of a Primordial Newspaper with a Primordial Comics Section
from which the entire Universe was originally imprinted, but that's
really too deep for beginners, so I won't comment on it here, except to
say that the Peanuts were a lot funnier in those days.)

This revelation should make the Universe more comprehensible, even such
strange things as psychic phenomena, deja vu, moons suddenly leaving
orbit and Milli Vanilli, which result when the Silly Putty which forms
the underlying structure of the Universe (which by the way is not just
curved but shaped like a pretzel) stretches too far and either breaks or
snaps back at you.

(The preceding was a public service announcement of the Gnostic Church of the Mysterious Unkown Force)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were these two wealthy, business guys. One had a Porsche, the
other a Jaguar. They always pulled up to the same stop at the same time
every morning. One day, the guy of the Porsche reached out his window
and knocked on the window of the Jaguar. The guy in the Jaguar lowered
his window. The guy of the Porsche asked "Do you have a phone in there?"
The guy of the Jaguar said,"Well, of course I do" and speeds off. The
next day, the guy of the Porsche does the same except he asks,"Do you
have a FAX machine in there?" The guy of the Jaguar says,"Of course"
then speeds off. The next morning, the guy of the Porsche had to ask
another question, so he asks the guy of the Jaguar,"Do you have a bed in
there?" The guy of the Jaguar was insulted. He didn't have a bed, so he
just sped off in his car. The next morning, the guy of the Jaguar pulls
up, knocks on the window of the Porsche and sees that the window is all
steamed up. The guy of the Porsche lowers his window. The guy in the
Jaguar says,"I just wanted to let you know that I got a bed installed in
my car". The man in the Porsche goes,"You got me out of the shower to
tell me that?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A court in Trenton, N.J., ruled in June that James
Huckfeldt would have to pay for the legal defense of his two
teenage sons because the family is too well-off for public
defenders. Huckfeldt's sons are charged with trying to hire
a hit man to kill him.

According to a U.S. Department of Energy memo, reported
by the Denver Post in December, the number of workers it
takes to change a light bulb on a certain vital safety
system at the Rocky Flats nuclear-weapons plant is 43,
requiring 1,087.1 work hours.

In January near Alvin, Texas, Andrea Guerero, 18, and her
brother came across a man who was slumped over the wheel of
his truck and not breathing, and Andrea administered CPR
until an ambulance arrived to take the victim to a hospital,
here he recovered. Guerero was on her way home from a CPR
certification exam, which she had flunked.

Columbia, Mo., inmate Barry Rhodes, 35, escaped from the
grounds of the Boone County Jail in June by jumping onto a
John Deere 955 tractor and driving past security guards at
15 mph. He was quickly recaptured.

Bea Bernkrant and her husband filed a lawsuit in October
against the Radisson Suite Hotel in Boca Raton, Fla.,
accusing the hotel of negligence in allowing the couple's
personal towels, which they had brought to the hotel, to be
stolen from their room.

After reclusive retiree Jack D. Crain passed away at his
modest trailer home in Watsonville, Calif., in May, 4,000
model-car kits dating back to the 1950s, still in their
unopened packages, were found stacked floor to ceiling in
all rooms. Collectors were ecstatic at the prospect of being
able to buy so many discontinued model lines.

The New York Times reported this spring that Kansas
lawyers Michael Harris and Fletcher Bell were successful in
filing worker compensation claims for back injuries suffered
at work: Harris got almost $35,000 for the strain of
reaching into the back seat of his car for his briefcase,
and Bell got $95,000 for his injury lifting his briefcase
from the trunk of his car.

TOO KIND TO KILL: In July, JoAnn Suggs was convicted in
Raleigh, N.C., of hiring Bill Bateman to kill her estranged
husband, J.R. The plot failed because of Bateman's lack of
temperament for the job. Testifying in the case, Bateman
said he pulled a gun on J.R. one night at J.R.'s condo, but
put it away and eventually even helped J.R. unload the
groceries from his car. J.R. offered Bateman a beer, and the
two talked into the night. After being implored by JoAnn by
telephone to get on with the job, Bateman tied J.R. up with
stereo wire, but then resumed talking. Bateman then put his
hands around J.R.'s neck but, when J.R. objected, Bateman
said he was only applying a pro wrestling "sleeper" hold.
Then the two drove around and talked some more over beers.
Bateman and JoAnn kept in telephone contact; she became
increasingly exasperated that J.R. was still alive. Finally,
JoAnn met the two men and implored Bateman to shoot J.R.,
who had been placed in the trunk of the car. Bateman closed
his eyes and fired several shots at the trunk, wounding J.R.
in the hand.

GETTING GUIDANCE: In June, around 200 "angelologists"
held the second American Conference on Angels in East
Falmouth, Mass. The organizer, K. Martin-Kuri, said
attendees believe that each person has a guardian angel who
improves that person's life.

STRAIGHT TALK: Neil McKerracher, mayor of Calmar in
Alberta, Canada, held the town's first Heterosexual Pride
Day in June to combat the Gay Pride Day in nearby Edmonton.
McKerracher said there would be no parade or other
festivities, but urged the town's straight residents to
celebrate with plenty of sex.

WASTE NOT: The Albany (N.Y.) Times Union reported
recently that Stella Downing, 81, had just sold her
167-piece collection of bedpans and urinals, to be housed in
a museum in Missouri. The oldest, made of tin, is from the
18th century.

GAY GULLS? In May, biology professor George Hunt of the
University of California at Irvine led a field trip to the
Channel Islands near Oxnard, Calif., where he had originally
spotted what he called "lesbian sea gulls" in the 1970s.
Hunt had reported then that 14 percent of the 1,200 gull
pairs he studied were lesbian. He admitted that he cannot
tell males and females apart, but inferred because of the
larger number of eggs in some nests that the hatching pair
of gulls on those nests were both female. BARTER BURGLAR:
In Mebane, N.C., in August, a man reported that someone
stole his dog from his backyard but left another one in its
place.

PEN PAL: The Wichita Falls (Texas) Times Record News
reported in July that David Garza of Henrietta, Texas, has
collected 75 ballpoint pens that he says have floated into
his toilet from sewer lines over the past two years. Neither
he nor sewer company authorities offered an explanation.

In addition to scouring the world for strange but true
snippets, Chuck Shepherd teaches at George Washington
University School of Government and Business Administration
in Washington.

Milton Byrd, 32, was arrested in August for the robbery
of a Purity Supreme supermarket in Boston when, one month
and a day after the robbery, he walked back into the store
to apply for a job and was recognized by an employee.

A well-dressed man in his 40s fled after an incident in
February at a western-wear store in Omaha, Neb. According to
a clerk, the man asked for a horse harness for a costume
party and went into a dressing room to put it on. He emerged
a short time later and ran around the store wearing only his
undershorts and the harness. After a few minutes, he quietly
changed back into his business suit, told the clerk he would
be back with his wife to buy the harness, and left.

In a June profile, the New York Times reported that the
New York City Sanitation Department's "artist-in-residence,"
Mierle Laderman Ukeles, has accomplished the following:
built an archway made of gloves discarded by city employees
and a structure made of piled steel shavings from subway car
wheels; choreographed a dance of street-sweeping machines;
and conducted a performance-art piece in which she shook
hands with all 8,500 employees of the department. On the
side, the self-described "maintenance artist" conducted a
ballet of garbage barges in Pittsburgh.

Mark Wiegel, 33, was arrested in Salem, N.H., in May
after mall security guards confiscated a video camera hidden
in a shoe box in his bag. Wiegel allegedly would set the bag
down at a woman's feet with the lens pointed upward so that
he could videotape up the woman's dress.

On Good Friday, on his way from Hillsdale, Mich., to
Clinton, Mich., Christopher Ray Tirb drove off the road into
a signpost, then a while later swerved across the center
line and sideswiped another car, then a while later
rear-ended a truck, which necessitated calling an ambulance
for him. En route to the hospital, the ambulance carrying
Tirb was hit by another car.

Robert Lord, 42, was rescued after eight hours afloat
without a life jacket in the chilly and turbulent Strait of
Georgia, between Vancouver Island and the Canada mainland in
July. He had fallen off a ferry boat when he leaned too far
out a window while vomiting.

SMOKIN' PLEA DEAL: In August, Judge Robert
Schillberg released
shoplifter Leroy Kelley without penalty in Lynnwood, Wash.,
even though Kelley had just pleaded guilty to stealing two
packs of Marlboros from a Safeway store. The judge fined
Kelley $1, then paid it out of his own pocket, saying he
believes "the store is more culpable than (Kelley)" for
selling such dangerous products in the first place.

BUCK STARTS HERE: In August, the National Endowment for
the Arts hurriedly withdrew funding it had granted to three
California artists after it came under criticism from a New
York Times report. Artists David Avalos, Elizabeth Sisco
and Louis Hock were participants in the NEA-funded "La
Frontera/The Border" project; their "art" consisted of
passing out signed $10 bills to illegal immigrants to
demonstrate to citizens the impact that aliens have on the
economy. The project is about "the interaction of physical
space with intellectual space and civic space," said one of
the artists. Said a day-laborer recipient, "People don't
usually give us money."

STICK IT IN YOUR EAR: In August, Food and Drug
Administration agents raided a store in Columbus, Ohio, that
had an inventory of "ear candles," which are hollow candles
that in theory will loosen hard-to-remove wax from a
person's ears. The candle is placed in the ear and lighted
on top; the oxygen sucked from the hollow canal is supposed
to create a vacuum that loosens the earwax. FDA said neither
the safety nor the effectiveness of the candles had been
demonstrated.

HATS OFF TO OSHA: In July, the Occupational Safety and
Health Administration rescinded an earlier decision it had
made to fine a Boise, Idaho, plumbing company $8,000 for
rules violations during a rescue of a construction worker in
a collapsed trench. Originally, OSHA had cited the company
because, among other things, rescue workers had failed to go
get their hard hats and put them on before attempting the
rescue.

NOT A CLEAN BUST: In Rome, Ga., last fall, Rusty
Strickland, 23, was sentenced to 12 years in prison when a
substance the police said was cocaine was found in plastic
bags in his home. At the time, Strickland begged for the
police chemist to analyze the contents; the chemist affirmed
that the substance was cocaine. After Strickland had served
six months of his sentence, police chemists ran another test
and found that the bags all along contained only soap. The
original chemist, who had sworn in court that he had tested
the bag but had not, was fired.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lunch, The IBM Way

I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire
new series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three
hours later, we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so
he invited me downstairs for lunch. This was my first experience in
an IBM cafeteria. Above the service counter was a menu which
began...

MMU's (Main Menu Units)

00010A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order condiments 00110A separately
001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.

00020A Double cheeseburger, pre-configured. Includes cheese, bun
and condiments.
001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.

00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger
001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.

00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A
001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.

My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The
waitress looked at me like I was an alien.

"How would you like to order that, sir ?"
"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink ?"
"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like ?"
I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger ?"
"The patty is rated at eight bites."
"Well, how about the rest of it ?"
"I don't have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."
"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."

My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002
'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade would
give you two burgers.

"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress
chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a
couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who nearly
mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He
was talking to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking
very excited.

"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable
option and without the burger and cheese ? It'd be a BLT!"

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my
attention again. "Have you decided, sir ?"

"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with
the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the
Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and
pickles with a option to substitute relish.

"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."
"Thats not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product."

My sales rep butted in again.
"Thats not a supported configuration."
"Why not ?" I kept my voice steady.
"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."
"Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on
it."

The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but
that's not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't
fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first
release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."

I checked the overhead screen.
Fries, number 000210A, option 110, French
followed by option 120, English.

"What the hell are English Fries ?" I turned to the sales rep.
"Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."

I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle."
This confused the waitress profoundly.

"Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for series 00450 Milk
Shakes." My sales rep chuckles.

"No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered
how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.

"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh of relief.
"Your meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported ?"

"Support ?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom
of the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never
forget.

"Implementation assistance ?"
"You get a waiter."

"Implementation analysis ?"
You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."

"Response Center Support ?"
"He brings it to your table."

"Extended materials ?"
"You get refills."

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She
gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on
my way to the table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.

Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He
hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table
waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at
me and said "Two weeks. But I can get you a stand alone chair by the
window right away."

I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups
of chile and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered.
The room began to grow dim, my eyesight faded...

I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five
AM, four hours till my meeting with IBM I had had a vision, I did
what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This Black guy and a Jewish guy opened a General Store. Business was
not so good, so the Jewish fellow pulls the Black guy to the
side and says, "Look. Business sucks. We need to use add on
sales to make some money."
"What's dat?" says the Black man.
"Just watch me when the next customer comes in. Just then a man walks
in, asking for a bag of grass seed. "Certainly," the Jewish
guy says, "Let's go over to the counter and I'll write you
up." He proceeds to get out his pad and begins to write.....1
bag of seed, 1 bag of fertilizer..
"Wait!" the client yells, "I only want some seed!"
"Look, I can sell you the seed, but you need fertilizer to make it
grow" The Jewish guy answers.
"OK" the client gives in. The Clerk continues.....1 bag of seed...1 bag
of fertilizer....1 sprinkler system....
"What", he yells. "What is this?"
"Look. I can sell you the seed and the fertilizer, but you'll need to
water it for it to last."
The guy shakes his head and gives in. 1 bag of seed....1 bag
fertilizer...1 sprinkler system....1 John Deere riding mower...
"What????" screams the customer?
"Look. I can sell you the seed...the fertilizer...the sprinkler system,
but you've got to mow it for it to look beautiful!"
The customer accepts this and walks out of the store with all the stuff.
The Jewish guy turns to the Black guy and says, "See? See how much I added on?"
"I see! I see!, he yells, "Lets me have da next one."
Just then a woman walks in. He runs towards her and asks how can he
help her. She asks for a box of Tampons. He tells her to come
over to the counter and he will write her up. He starts to
write....1 box of Tampons....1 John Deere riding mower.
"What?" she screams."I only want some Tampons.
The Black guy leans over the counter and says to her, "Look, lady. Yo
ain't gettin' none dis weekend, so you mights as well mow da lawn!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Be Prepared for the Future! Become a Gnostic!

His Holiness George Schlepper the First, Chief Profit of the Gnostic Church of the Mysterious Unknown Force, presents for the Englightenment of the remaining Human Beings, his Prophecies for the coming Boring Times:

The state of entertainment technology will become so advanced that people will be able to plug themselves directly into their television sets and absorb programming directly into their brains, not only seeing and hearing but also feeling and smelling the entire broadcast. At this point the majority of Sausagedom will become to lazy to get up and make a sandwich, and will all starve to death in their TV chairs.

Satellite signals from the original network broadcasts of Star Trek will reach the planets of the star Sirius in 2004, and its inhabitants, assuming us to be an advanced species, will send emissaries to negotiate trade and an exchange of knowledge with our world government. However, as soon as they arrive in orbit they will detect Steve Urkel, and realising their mistake, will devastate two thirds of the planet's surface in order to prevent this cancer from spreading throughout the galaxy.

The Gnostic Church of the Mysterious Unknown Force will become the third
largest industry in America, immediately behind drugs and prostitution. It will not, however, outsell pickup trucks in the South.

L. Ron Hubbard will return from the dead, but no one will care.

Sylvester Stallone will clone himself in order to continue his series of Rambo films into the 21st century while he retires to the Old Mercenaries' Home.

Marijuana will be legalised; however, possession of vitamins will be punishable by 20 years to life imprisonment, due to the lobbying efforts of the American Medical Association in their bid to keep their bank accounts healthy.

Jim Morrison will be found working in a butcher shop in Paris, and Paul
McCartney will be revealed as an android duplicate (made in Taiwan).

Ted Turner will buy NBC, CBS and ABC. After so many foolish investments, his media empire will crumble. He will also fail as a Fox network talk show host, and will eventually become an altar boy for the Gnostic Church of the Mysterious Unknown Force.

A new fuel source will be discovered, and the OPEC nations, unable to sell their oil, will choke to death on their own smog.

The United States will place a tax on sex, and the IRS will be empowered to imprison taxpayers for undeclared mistresses.

Remember, if you hope to survive the coming Boring Times, send your dollars NOW to the Gnostic Church of the Mysterious Unknown Force, where the coming times will be anything but boring!

(The preceding has been a public service announcement of the Gnostic Church of the Mysterious Unknown Force.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This old man was going to be put in a nursing home so his son went
down with him to check out the place and help him get admitted. First,
they went on a tour of the nursing home. The boy pushed the old man
around in his wheel-chair and they were shown how nice the rooms were,
and how well the people there were treated and taken care of. When
they got back to the admitting office, the boy ask the old man what he
thought of the nursing home. The old man said it was real nice and he
thought he would enjoy staying there. Well I'm going to leave you out
here with this secretary and I am going in to talk to the director for a
a few minutes, the boy said to the old man. Well in just a few minutes
the secretary happen to look up at the old man and he was leaning way
over to the left. She jumped up, went over, grabbed hold of his shou-
lders, and straighten him up in his wheel-chair. She went back over to
her desk and continued doing some her work. In a few minutes she look-
ed up and he was leaning way-over to the right, so again she got up,
went over and straighten him up. She was back at her desk, when she
looked up again and the old man was leaning way-over forward, so again
she went and straighten him up. The the boy came back in where he was
at and he told he boy to get him out of there, if I ever see this place
again it will be too soon, I wouldn't be caught dead in a place like
this. The boy said, But I thought a few minutes ago you said you liked
it here and you thought you would enjoy staying here. The old man said,
"That's before I found out they wouldn't let you fart around here".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're Not Paranoid--They Really Are Out to Get You!

Have you ever been logged off of a BBS because it didn't detect ANSI graphics on your non-IBM-compatible computer? Have you ever been denied service at a business establishment simply because you couldn't prove that you owe money for something you didn't need in the first place? Have you ever been turned down for a job or apartment because you are a smoker, or wear your hair or dress differently from those around you? Have you become violently ill every time a radio or television has been turned on in your hearing since 1975? Have you ever walked out of a store because the only clothes on the sale rack were average sizes and you weren't? Do you drive 50 miles every weekend because every store but the one in East Bumblef**k stopped selling your favourite beer 2 weeks after you discovered it? Have you ever collected vinyl records, 8-track tapes or Beta videos only to find that you can never complete your collection?

If you answered yes to any of the above, then you, too, are a victim of the International Sausage Conspiracy!

Like most people you have probably always complacently accepted these things as mere coincidence, but now the truth can be revealed...they are all part of an insidious plot on the part of a group of men known as the Sausage Grinders, or more commonly as THEM!

Their chief goal in life is to turn our brains into textured vegetable protein in order to make us more easily manipulated, for the express purpose of transforming us all into perfectly identical, totally uniform, interchangeable Sausage Links (filler added)!

We, the last of the Human Beings, must resist their efforts with all of our resources, lest we, too, become absorbed by the dreaded Sausage People who now populate most of our planet. Yes, you too, if you are not careful, could become merely another Link in the endless Sausage Chain.

Were it not for the efforts of one inspired man, we might never have become aware of the most widespread conspiracy in human history. Yes, I am speaking of that oft-maligned character who has been scourged for years by the press (yet another component of their vast plan), His Holiness George Schlepper the First, Patron Saint of the Internet and Chief Profit of the Gnostic Church of the Mysterious Unknown Force.

How, you may ask, can you assist in the resistance against this Insidious
Sausage Conspiracy? His Holiness, Friend of the Little Man, has provided a way that even you, with your pitiful resources, can aid in this gallant struggle. Just send your dollars, roubles or video game tokens to the Gnostic Church of the Mysterious Unknown Force, payable to George himself, and he will use each and every cent to protect his corner and yours of this world we never made.

Together we can re-conquer this world from the dreaded Sausage People, but you must act now if you don't want to end up as just another pork-stuffed intestine in a world of complacent Sausage Links.

(The preceding announcement has been a public service of the Gnostic Church of the Mysterious Unknown Force.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diary of a Reservations Agent
WHEN BELLS ARE RINGING -- DUCK!
By Jonathan Lee

After 130,000 conversations--all ending with "Have a nice day and
thanks for calling"--I think it's fair to say I'm a survivor. I've made
it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the difference
between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits WHO didn't
trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who
called to get advice on how to handle the man who wanted to ride
inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to pay for a seat,
from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change clothes on
our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to
make a change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd
like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of
Habeeb. In five years, I've received more than a boot camp
education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American
citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the
country, economic status, ethnic background and level of education. My
battles have included everything from a man not knowing how to spell
the name of the city he was from to another not recognizing the name
"Iowa" as being a state, to another who thought he had to apply for a
foreign passport to fly to West Virginia. They are the enemy, and they
are everywhere. In the history of the world, there has never been as
much communication and new things to learn as today. Yet, after asking
a woman from New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she
asked, "Oh... is it a big place?" I talked to a woman in Denver who
had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn't know
there was more than one city in the South ("wherever the South is"), a
woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of paying for your ticket, can
I just donate that money to the National Cancer Society?" and a man in
Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay
phone he was calling from. I knew a full invasion was on the way when,
shortly after signing on, a man asked me if we flew to Exit 35 on the
New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304.
And I knew I had been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When
an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?" I
remembered the strict training I had just received--four weeks of
regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology and telephone
behavior--and it allowed for no means of retaliation. "Troops," we were
told, "it's a real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're gonna
hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain
stuff to your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just
when you think you've heard it all, someone will ask if then can get a
free roundtrip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'".
Well, Sarge was right. It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit
from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, N.Y.. After assuring
her that there was no such place, she became irate and said it was a big
city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or
Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo,"
she said, "I knew it was a big animal!" Then I crawled out of my
bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried to catch our
flight to Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga and we
certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it
showed me his ticket: Macon, GA. Now I've done nothing during my
conversational confrontations to indicate that I couldn't understand
English. But after quoting the ROUNDTRIP fare the passenger JUST ASKED
FOR he'll always ask: "...Is that ROUNDTRIP?" But I've survived to
direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the weary, teach U.S.
geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of
American cities. I have been told things like, "I can't go stand-by
for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've been asked such
questions as: "I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does that
mean the plane sticks to something?" And once a man wanted to go to
Illinois. When I asked what city he wanted go to in Illinois, he said,
"Cleveland, Ohio." After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a
wise old veteran of the communication conflict and can anticipate with
accuracy what the next move "by them" will be. Seventy-five percent
won't have anything to write with or on. Half will have not thought
about when they're returning. A third won't know where they're going.
A few won't care if they get back. And James will be the first name of
half the men who call. But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the
city he never heard of; even if he can't spell, pronounce or remember
what city he's returning to, he'll get there because I've worked very
hard to make sure that he can. Then with a click in the phone, he'll
become a part of my past and I'll be hoping that the next caller at
least knows what day it is. Oh, and James... "Thanks for calling and
have a nice day."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sergeant bawled out a rookie. "Did you watch all the exits
like I told you to?"
"Yup," the rookie answered. "I think he must have left by one
of the entrances!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A preacher always got into his sermon about noon. At that
time, the train would go through the town and blow its whistle. Several
members of the congregation went to the train company and begged them to
change the schedule. The darn whistle was waking everybody up!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father O'Hara was having dinner with his good friend Rabbi
Melnick. Teasing, Father O"Hara said, "When are you going to break down
and taste some pork?"
Rabbi Melnick said, "At your wedding!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought a wooden whistle,
but it wooden whistle.

I bought a steel whistle,
but it steel wooden whistle.

So I bought a tin whistle.
And now I tin whistle!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A city man named Smith was driving through the countryside when
his car suddenly sputtered and rolled to a stop. "I've got plenty of
gas," he thought, "so it must be the motor."
He lifted the hood and tinkered with this and that, but couldn't
figure out what was wrong.
"The trouble is with the carburetor," a deep voice behind him
said. But when he turned all he could see was a bull.
"Did, uh, did you, er, say something?" Smith asked.
"Yes," the bull replied. "I said the trouble is with the
carburetor." Then he walked toward the car and peered under the hood.
Meanwhile, the man took off like a shot for a farmhouse down the
road, where he told what had happened.
"Is this a big bull with a sort of floppy left ear?" the farmer
asked.
"That's the one!"
"Well, I wouldn't pay much attention to him," the farmer said. "That
bull, he doesn't know as much about cars as he thinks he does."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The town madam wanted to make a big contribution to the local
church. The debate as to whether or not to accept the money was hot and
furious. Finally, one of the elders said, "Let's take the money. It's
ours anyway!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of
vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness
right under the bowl on the tablecloth. He called the waitress over and
said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."
The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?
"Yes."
"Maybe it has a leek in it!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came back to the used-car dealer who'd sold him the car
allegedly driven only by a little old lady. The salesman was concerned
and asked, "Is there anything wrong?"
The customer said, "No, I just want to return some of the things
the little old lady left under the seat....this chewing tobacco and a
fifth of whiskey!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard about these people?

-The man who threw his shoes away because he thought
they were sticking their tongues out at him.

-The girl who went to the corner to see the traffic jam.
A truck came along and gave her a jar.

-The family who moved to the city because they heard the
country was at war.

-The girl who was so bashful she went into a closet to
change her mind.

-The football player who asked his coach to flood the
field so he could go in as a sub.

-The man who wore a winter coat to a baseball game
because he heard thousands of fans would be there.

-The girl who put her bed in the fireplace because she
wanted to sleep like a log.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The officer reported to the watch commander about having no luck
with the witness. "Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him every
question you could come up with?" asked the watch commander.
"We certainly did."
"And?"
"And he said, `Yes, dear, you're right,' and dozed off!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a police station and asked to see the man
who'd been arrested for robbing his house the night before. The desk
sergeant said, "This is unusual. Can you give me a reason?"
The man said, "I want to find out how he got into my house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for twenty-five
years!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't
tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry
yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And
the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet
up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must
be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: All Personnel
Subject: Absenteeism

It has become necessary for us to review some of our policies, due
to frequent absenteeism of our production employees (Programmers, Analysts, and President).

The following changes are in effect as of today:

Sickness: NO EXCUSE....We will no longer accept your
Doctor's statement of proof, and we believe that if you are able to
go to the Doctor, you are able to come to work.

Death: (OTHER THAN YOUR OWN)....This is no excuse. There
is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else
with a lesser position can attend to the arrangements. However,
if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to
let you off one hour early, provided that your share of the work
is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Leave of Absence: (FOR AN OPERATION)....We are no longer
allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may
need an operation, as we believe as long as you are an employee here,
you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having
anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything
removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

Death: (YOUR OWN)....This will be accepted as an excuse, but
we would like a two weeks notice. We feel it is your duty to
teach someone else your job.

Also, entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:15,
"B" will go from 8:15 to 8:30, and so on. If you are unable to go at
your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn
comes again.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The software engineering community has been placing a great deal of
emphasis lately on metrics and their use in software development. The
following metrics are probably among the most valuable for a software
project:

The Pizza Metric
----------------

How: Count the number of pizza boxes in the lab.
What: Measures the amount of schedule under-estimation.
If people are spending enough after-hours time
working on the project that they need to have
meals delivered to the office, then there has
obviously been a mis-estimation somewhere.

The Aspirin Metric
------------------

How: Maintain a centrally-located aspirin bottle for use
by the team. At the beginning and end of each month,
count the number of aspirin remaining in the aspirin
bottle.
What: Measures stress suffered by the team during the project.
This most likely indicates poor project design in the
early phases, which causes over-expenditure of effort
later on. In the early phases, high aspirin-usage
probably indicates that the product's goals or other
parameters were poorly defined.

The Beer Metric
---------------

How: Invite the team to a beer bash each Friday. Record the
total bar bill.
What: Closely related to the Aspirin Metric, the Beer Metric
measures the frustration level of the team. Among
other things, this may indicate that the technical
challenge is more difficult than anticipated.

The Creeping Feature Metric
---------------------------

How: Count the number of features added to the project after
the design has been signed off, but that were not requested
by any requirements definition.
What: This measures schedule slack. If the team has time to add
features that are not necessary, then there was too much
time allocated to a schedule task.

The "Duck!" Metric
----------------------------

How: This one is tricky, but a likely metric would be to
count the number of engineers that leave the room when
a marketing person enters. This is only valid after a
requirements document has been finalized.
What: Measures the completeness of the initial requirements.
If too many requirements changes are made after the product
has been designed, then the engineering team will be wary
of marketing, for fear of receiving yet another change to
a design which met all initial specifications.

The Status Report Metric
------------------------

How: Count the total number of words dedicated to the project
in each engineer's status report.
What: This is a simple way to estimate the smoothness with which
the project is running. If things are going well, an item
will likely read, "I talked to Fred; the widgets are on
schedule." If things are not going as well, it will say,
"I finally got in touch with Fred after talking to his
phone mail for nine days straight. It appears that the
widgets will be delayed due to snow in the Ozarks, which
will cause the whoozits schedule to be put on hold until
widgets arrive. If the whoozits schedule slips by
three weeks, then the entire project is in danger of
missing the July deadline."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little old lady walked into the head branch of Chase Manhattan Bank
holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the
window that she wished to take the three million dollars she had in the
bag and open an account with the bank.

She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase
Manhattan Bank due to the amout of money involved. The teller seemed to
think that this was a reasonable request, and after opening the paper
bag and seeing the bundles of $10,000 bills which he was sure mounted to
about $3 million, tellephoned the bank president's secretary to obtain
an appointment for the lady.

The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the President's office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the
people she did busuness with on a more personal level. The bank
president then asked her where she came into such a large sum of money.
"Was it an inheritance?", he asked, "No", she replied.

He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady
could possibly have come into $3 million. "I bet", she stated. "You
bet??" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?", "No", she replied,
"I bet people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet
different things with people. All of a sudden she said "I'll bet you
$25,000 that by 10:00 am tomorrow morning your butt will be square".

The bank president figured that she must be off her rocker and decided
to take her up on her bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the
rest of the day the bank president was very carful. He decided to stay
home that evening and take no chances, after all there was $25,000 at
stake!!

When he got up the next morning and took his shower, he checked to make
sure everything was okay. There was no difference, he looked the same
as he always had. He went to the bank and waited to the little old lady
to come in at 10:00 am in the morining, humming as he went. He knew
this would be a great day -- how often do you get handed $25,000 for
doing nothing?

At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With
her was a younger man. When he inquired as to what purpose for the man
being there she informed him he was her lawer and she always took him
along when there was so much money involved. "Well", she asked, "What
about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but
I'm the same as I've always been only $25,000 richer."

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see
for herself. The bank president thought this was resonablw and dropped
his pants. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed hold of
him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The president then looked up
and saw her lawer standing across the room, banging his head against the
wall.

"What's wrong with him?" the bank president inquired. "Oh, him," she
replied "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:15 am this morning, I'd have the
President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the butt."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mother skunk was always in a panic because she couldn't keep track
of her two tiny ones. One was named Out and the other In. When Out was
in, In was out. One day she saw Out but couldn't find In. She told Out
to go out and bring In in. In about twenty seconds, Out brought In in.
Surprised, the mother skunk asked, "How did you find him so fast?"
The tiny skunk answered, "It was easy...In stinct!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A reporter who specialized in feature articles interviewed a man one
year shy of the century mark. At the end of the interview the reporter
said, "I'd love to come back and see you when you reach a hundred."
The man answered, "Don't see why not. You look healthy enough!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend is at the age when he is:
Too young for a car and too old for a bike.
Too young for checks and too old for cash.
Too young for credit cards and too old for an allowance.
Too young for Excedrin and too old for children's aspirin.
Too young for his second childhood and too old for his first.
Too young for old-age pension and too old for income tax exemption.
Too young for pension and too old for passion.
Too young for Playboy Bunnies and too old for Easter Bunnies.
Too young to be left alone and too old to be left alone with a baby
sitter.
Too young to be retired and too old to be fired.
Too young to drink coffee and too old to drink milk from the bottle.
Too young to get a job and too old to be a juvenile delinquent.
Too young to get married and too old to be adopted.
Too young to request a loan and too old to ask his father for money.
Too young to swear and too old to cry.
Too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the
second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a
fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teach, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A judge asked a locksmith who'd been apprehended in the back of a
grocery store, "What were you doing in that place when the cops
arrived?"
The locksmith said, "I was making a bolt for the door!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was a nude beach with lots of action. The tide started to come in,
blushed, and went out again.

I went to the beach the other day. I held my stomach in so much I threw
out my back!

Bikinis at the beach are great. They either show a girl off or up.

A bikini is the closest thing to a barbed-wire fence...it protects the
property without obstructing any of the view.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day in the city of Juarez, a group of people who happened to be
outside on a warm summer day, (taking their afternoon siesta one would
suppose), witnessed an event that would spur talk of a local hero for
many days.

Off in the distance was seen a man in a big white hat, riding a big
white horse. As he approached a crowd gathered, for one legendary man
stood clear in their minds. My friends, I believe it is Poncho Villa
that approaches.
As this stranger got closer so that his face could be seen, a gasp
went through the crowd, for this was not Poncho Villa. Hell, his
posters were up all over town. The crowd, amazed that someone would
try to impersonate such a great local hero, gathered close and pelted
the stranger with questions.

"Who are you?" "where do you come from?" "Why are you dressed like
Poncho Villa?" "Are you his friend?"

At the last question the stranger, riding the big white horse, tilted
back his big white hat, and spoke these words.

"You ask me who I am, you ask me eef I know Poncho Villa, you ask eef
I am hees friend, let me tell you a story."

So the stranger climbed off his horse and stood leaning with his
poncho pulled back so that all could see the big, shiny gun that he
carried low on his hip. He then began to speak and the crowd grew
quiet.

"You see, I was walking down de road on de way to Juarez today, when
from behind me I hear de sound of a horse come. I look down down de
road to see who is coming, and far away I see a man on a big, white
horse, wearing a big white hat, riding to me. And I says to myself,
'Jose, I tink that that is Poncho Villa riding his big, white horse.'
and as de hombre on the horse come closer, I saw that eet was indeed
the Poncho Villa who face was posted on walls throughout all Mexico."

"And as Poncho Villa approached, he slowed his big, white horse, and
he looked at me, and he smiled, and all de gold in his teeth did
sparkle like de sunlight. Then he pulled his big, heavy gun, and he
pointed eet at me, and he said 'you... pull down you pants!' What
could I do, he had a gun. So I pulled down my pants. Then he looked at
me and smiled, 'now, take a sheet'.. ayeee, I had no choice, he had a
gun. Then he wave that pistol at me and he say, 'Now eat et!' but for
that gun, cavrone!, so I ate eet."

"And Poncho Villa, he laugh so hard, he fall off that big, white
horse, and he drop that big gun, and I pick eet up, and I point eet at
him. And he quits laughing. Den I say to Poncho Villa, drop you pants!
what could he do, I had de gun. Now I says to him, take a sheet, he no
smile now. and I wave that big gun at heem and I says, now eat et!"

"And you ask me if I know Poncho Villa! Hell, yes I know Poncho
Villa! I had lunch with heem today!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the town,
no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, t'was not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were
adorning the bushes and coconut palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find water skis under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

And soon he arrived and started to work,
he hadn't a second to linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.

The tropical moon gave the city a glow,
and lighted the way for old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,

There weren't any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
for Santa came in through the Florida room.
He stopped at each house....stayed only a minute,
emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.

Before he departed, he treated himself
to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
remembering he still had to go very far.

He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
and up Highway 436 he went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL, I WISH I COULD STAY!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, a lawyer died and went to heaven. He was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who showed him around his eternal resting place, a fairly large condo on the beach, with fire-place, sauna, excercise room, whirlpool, cable, waterbed, wine-cellar, cook, live-in maid, butler, and driver. St. Peter then suggested he might take a walk around the rest of heaven before supper. While strolling the grounds, the lawyer met up with his old parish priest. They exchanged greetings, and came to discuss their new circumstances.

The next day, the old parish priest made an appointment with St. Peter.
"Although I'm grateful for everything, I have a question about my
accomadations."

"Go on.", said St. Peter.

"After forty years of faithful service - performing baptisms, weddings,
funerals, preaching, tending the flock, visiting the sick, the imprisoned, the widowed... "

"Yes.", replied St. Peter, who could see where this was going.

" ... I end up in a barracks with shared baths, cafeteria food, and thirty-nine other priests, bishops, and even a pope or two. How is it that a lawyer gets such nice accomadations and services, while those of us that served so faithfully are all lumped together?"

"Well, it's actually quite simple," explained St. Peter, "we have lots of
priests, but we only have one lawyer."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first
church, and was preaching his first sermon.
He started out with a quote, "Behold I cometh...." but he couldn't
remember the rest of it. In the seminary, they had told him that if he
forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it
would come back to him.
So, he said again, "Behold I cometh....' but he still couldn't
remember. So he reared back and shouted again, "BEHOLD I COMETH..." but
this time, he tripped over the pulpit and fell onto a little woman
sitting in the first row. He was embarrassed and started apologizing.
"It ain't your fault," the woman said. "You told me you was coming
three times, and I never did move!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were some country folks, a father, mother, and son, who never
had been to a city, and one day they decided to go. They went into this
big hotel, and while the woman was looking at all the lights, the father
and son roamed around until they saw two gold doors with numbers over
them. An old woman came in, pushed a button, the doors opened, she went
inside, the doors closed, and the numbers over the door went
2...3...4...5 and stopped. Then they went 4...3...2...1, the doors
opened and a beautiful young woman stepped out.
The son said, "Pa, did you see that?"
His father said, "Shore did, son. Go get your Ma and we'll put her
in there."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fellows grew up in the mountains, and when they were grown, one
of them said he was going up North to seek his fortune. The other one
said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents. The one
up North became a salesman, soon was sales manager, and then vice
president and president of the company. Before long, his business was
bought out by a big company out West. In a little while, he became
president of the parent company.
One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, "Daddy
died, and the funeral is Friday."
He said, "Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big merger
meeting in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy the
best funeral you can get and send the bill to me. It's the least I can
do."
Well, the brother did that, and in a few weeks, the successful
brother received a bill for $6,000., and he paid it. The following
month, a bill for $100. came. Thinking they had forgotten something, he
paid it. The next month, another bill for $100. came, and he paid that
one, too. When another $100. bill arrived the third month, he called
his brother and asked if he knew why he was getting these bills.
"Oh, yes," the brother said, "I think I do. See, when we got Daddy
all dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that
polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and since you
said you wanted the best, we rented him a tuxedo."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled
Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's
stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n'
Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug
Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed
weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know
how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind,
Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like
crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't
have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,
doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son
of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from
Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain,
yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make
love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I
feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed
weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge
in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what
kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a
pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows
it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,"
replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge
about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the
storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the
counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard
to swallow."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What quantity is represented by this ?

/\ /\ /\
/ \ / \ / \
/ \ / \ / \
/ \ / \ / \
/ \ / \ / \
/______\ /______\ /______\
|| || ||
|| || ||

A: 9, tree + tree + tree

Q: A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have ?

A: 99, dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree

Q: Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings,
one per tree, how many is that ?

A: 100, dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd
+ dirty tree and a turd

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematician answered "Polynomial. Polygon."

A physics joke: "Energy equals milk chocolate square"

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

Definition: Jogging girl scout = Brownian motion.

Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Probably....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do
problems on the blackboard that day.

``Who would like to do the first problem, addition?''

No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he
finally got it right.

``Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?''

Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but
there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.

``Who would like to do the third problem, division?''

Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at
nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right
(she has been known to hold back sometimes in front of her friends).

``Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?''

Tim's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson
finally gained her composure in the stunned silence. ``Why the
enthusiasm, Tim?''

``God said to go fourth and multiply!''
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
=================================================
Top Ten Signs Your Date Is Not Having A Good Time
=================================================

10. Doesn't laugh when you give yourself ketchup sideburns
9. As you drop her off, she says "Do me a favor -- next time call a
different escort service"
8. You catch her giving her phone number to the guy squeegeeing your
windshield
7. "Whoa! Is it 8:15 already!?"
6. Seems unimpressed that you're the senior senator from Oregon
5. Lunges at you several times with a steak knife
4. Doesn't even finish her "Whopper"
3. It's been 4 hours since she left for the ladies room
2. You're Orville Redenbacher; she hates popcorn
1. Whispers to waiter "Please kill me"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So
she said, "if you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel,
and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would
you have?"
"Somebody else's pants." said the little boy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had
moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had
been sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read: SINCEREST
SYMPATHIES.
The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and
shuddered to think of the flowers that should have gone to the
restaurant man. He had sent to the funeral a clover design of red roses
across which was a bring green ribbon bearing the inscription: BEST OF
LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day while driving in a thunderstorm, a man got a flat tire
outside a monastery. A monk came out and invited him inside to have
dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a
wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef.
Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?"
"No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
John had been fishing all day with no luck. On his way home, he
entered a fish market and asked the clerk, "Mister, just stand there and
throw me several of your biggest bass." The clerk was puzzled. "Throw
them? What's the idea?" John replied, "I may be a bad fisherman, but
I'm not a liar. I want to be able to tell my family that I caught them."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite
make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later the
father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them that the baby was born on the
front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee:
$200."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man got on the train in Chicago and looked up the head porter. He
handed him a fifty-dollar bill and said, "Now, I'm going into my berth
to get some sleep, but I want you to make sure to get me up so I can get
off the train in Cincinnati." He went on to say, "I'm a very sound
sleeper, and I'm hard to get up in the morning, but I'm giving you this
money to make sure you get me up. Tomorrow, I'm marrying the boss's
daughter in Cincinnati. It's the most important day of my life, and I
have to be there."
So he went to bed, and when he woke up, he was in Louisville. Well,
he was mad! He went looking for the porter, cussed him out and said,
"This is the maddest I've ever been! I'm so mad I could kill you!"
The porter said, "You think YOU'RE mad. You should have seen the
fellow I put off in Cincinnati!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few days before Christmas, I was waiting in line along with quite a few
other people at a bank. A women with a small boy about 4 or 5 years old
was also waiting in line about two places ahead of me. The boy, being
rambunctious and a typical 4 or 5 year old, just couldn't stand and wait
patiently, but was squirming, running around, etc. His mother, getting
agitated at both having to wait in line so long and having to deal with a
little fireplug of a son, kept yelling at her son to "Stand here! Quit
running around!!" Finally, having had enough, she instructed him to go
and sit down at a chair against a wall and to "not move". He pouted and
went to the chair. No sooner did he crawl up into the chair and sit, he
started to squirm and fidget. The mother, still about 3 people from a
teller, looked over at her son and was about ready to yell at him when he
beat her to the quick and blurted out, "I don't want you to yell at me
and if you do, I'm gonna' tell everybody that I saw you with daddy's
penis in your mouth last night!!" I swear that there was dead silence in
the bank for just a moment and I, along with several others, tried to
cough and do everything else in our power to keep from laughing. The
mother turned white and then very, very red, but didn't leave the bank.
She kept waiting in line for the teller and didn't say another word to
her son. Her son, deducing from his mother's icy glare that he had just
cooked his goose, turned extremely white and did NOT move at all in his
chair. When the woman was finished with her banking, she went over to
her son and nearly pulled his arm out of its socket yanking him out of
his chair. It wasn't until they both were safely out of the bank that we
all broke out into laughter and laughed so hard that many of us cried.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A truck driver stopped at a cafe for lunch. He went in and ordered a
bowl of soup. When the waitress brought his soup, he yelled at her,
"Hey, there's a god damn hair in this soup! I ain't paying for no damn
soup that's got hair in it!"

The waitress watched as he walked out without paying. She noticed that,
instead of getting back into his truck, he went across the street to the
whore house. She knew it was a whore house because she used to work
there. She figured he was just being a jerk, so she decided to follow him
and see what he did.

She went inside the whore house and told the madam, "I want to watch that
driver who just came in here." The madam told her which room he was in
and told her she could watch through he keyhole.

She went back to the room the madam had indicated and peeked through the
keyhole and, sure enough, there he was. He was down there EATING that
thing like there was no tomorrow.

The waitress burst into the room and yelled, "You wouldn't pay for that
bowl of soup just because there was one lousy hair in it, and look what
you're doing now!"

"That right," said the driver, "and I'll tell you another damn thing. If
I find a noodle in here, I'm not going to pay for it either!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
MAN SHOOTS COMPUTER

(IGC) A New Jersey man was arrested at his home last Thursday night after he fired eight bullets at his home computer, according to police.

The man, Michael A. Case, 35, was arrested shortly after 11 p.m., at his house, when police said they received a report that shots were fired. They arrived at the home to find a .44 Magnum automatic handgun and a shot-up IBM personal computer with a Princeton Graphics System monitor.

The monitor screen was blown out by the blasts and its inner workings were visible, Lt. Donald Van Tassel said after the event. The computer, which had bullet holes in its hardware, was hit four times while four more bullet holes were found in various areas next to the computer, Van Tassel said.

"The only thing he (Case) said was that he was mad at his computer, so he shot it," Van Tassel said. Case had apparently been trying to operate a new software package and had encountered problem after problem.

The handgun, which the lieutenant identified as an Israeli Arms Desert Eagle .44, has "a lot of firepower," he said. "It's a big gun."

To make sure the job was "done right," Case also used hollow-point, or dum-dum, bullets, the police added. (I think "dum-dum" is appropriate here. Hollowpoints are designed to expand in tissue. They don't have any advantage over a solid bullet in any other use. -jj) Case was surprised when police arrested him because he didn't think he was breaking the law, Van Tassel said.

"He couldn't understand why he couldn't shoot his own computer in his own home," Van Tassel said. (I don't understand it, either. -jj) Case was charged with recklessly creating a risk and using a firearm against the property of another, because the house is reportedly owned by a relative.

The walls were also damaged by the shots, according to police. He was also charged with unlawful possession of a firearm without a permit, and with possession of illegal bullets, police said.

In addition, Case was issued two summonses, for discharging a weapon in a
restricted area and for discharging a single-projectile weapon, police said. Case was released later on $2,500 bail, according to police.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nowadays they're marring young. A friend went to a wedding where the
bride's mother wouldn't let her have any wedding cake until she finished
her vegetables.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend said she used to be a drunk. When I asked her how
bad the problem was, she replied, "Lemme put it this way. One
night I was so drunk, I finally saw the handwriting on the floor!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A ventriloquist was on vacation and happened to be driving through
an indian reservation when he spotted an old chief. He decided to have
some fun with him. He went up to the old chief and said "I would like
to talk to your horse over there". The chief said "Horse no talk".
Traveler says "Thats OK leave me try". He goes over to the horse, and
being able to throw his voice, ask the horse several questions and has a
"conversation". Well, the old chief was amazed and at a loss for words.
The traveler than tells the chief he would like to talk to his cow.
The chief says "Cow no talk". The traveler says well leave me try and
he does the same thing as he did with the horse. Well by now, the chief
is at a severe loss for words and really amazed. So the traveler is now
having a great time putting the old chief on and decides to try one more
animal. He goes up to the chief a third time and says "Now I think I
would like to talk to that sheep over there". The old chief becomes
very nervous and says, "Sheep lie!".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The absent-minded professor banged his car into another at a
crossroads. His was not damaged, but the other car was crushed.
"Call me up and tell me how much the repairs cost. I'll pay the
bills," he told the other driver and started to pull away.
"What is your phone number?"
"It's in the phone book," the professor called back.
"But what's your name?"
"Oh, that's in the phone book, too."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Because of a dense fog, a Mississippi steamboat had to stop at the mouth
of the river. A woman passenger demanded to know the cause of the
delay. "Can't see up the river," the harassed captain replied. "Fog's
too thick."

"But I can see the stars overhead," the woman said.

"Yes," the captain growled, "but unless the boilers explode, we're not
going that way."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father and son were posing for a picture following the son's graduation
from college. "Stand closer to your father. Try to look a little more
natural," the photographer said. "I think he'd look more natural," the
father replied, "if he stood with his hands in my pockets."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box
with holes punched in the top.
"What's in that box?" Mrs. Riddle asked.
"A cat," Mrs. Biddle answered.
"What for?"
"I've been dreaming about mice at night, and I'm scared of mice. The
cat is to catch them."
"But the mice you dream about are imaginary," said Mrs. Riddle.
Mrs. Biddle turned to her friend and whispered, "So is the cat."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the
habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a
tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her
red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two politicians were campaigning for an office from the same
platform. The first one to speak accused the second one of being
illiterate.
His opponent jumped up and shouted, "That's a damn lie. My daddy and
mama was married at least a year before I was born!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the poetry did flow forth...

I have a spelling chequer,
It came with my PC.
It plainly marques four my revue
Mistakes eye cannot sea.
I've past this poem threw it,
I'm shore yore pleas too no.
It's letter-perfect in its weigh,
Mi chequer tolled me sew.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the
truth, so help you God?" the bailiff asked a witness in swearing him in.
"If I could tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing be the
truth," the witness responded, "I would BE God!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two women go to talking at the supermarket, and one asked the other,
"How many times have you been married?"

"Four times," she answered.

"What were their professions?" the other one asked.

"A millionaire, an actor, a preacher, and an undertaker....one for the
money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Alley's
Grocery Store. I don't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys
like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two
pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a
nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's
bigger. One day I was there when they did that, and after Junior
grabbed the nickel, Lamar and I got him off to one side and said,
"Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know
the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel
because it's bigger, or what?"
He looked at Lamar and me and said, "Well, if I took the dime,
they'd quit doing it!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
More and more doctors are running their practices like an
assembly line. One fella walked into a doctor's office and the
receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So
she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and
told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him
what he had. He said, "Shingles". So she took down his height,
weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in an
examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure
test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes
and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man who had just bought a four-seater aircraft invited a friend
to join him and his wife on its initial flight.
As soon as they were in the air, the owner, beaming, turned to his
friend. "What I really enjoy about traveling this way," he said, "is
the absolute sense of freedom it gives you. No worry about jaywalkers,
no lights, no traffic jams. And best of all," he added with a wry
smile, "no back-seat driving."
Suddenly his wife, who was sitting in the rear and peering out of
the window, screamed, "SAM! For heaven's sake, watch out for those
birds!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that everyone's had entirely too much to eat, a little calorie chart
to begin shedding the pounds.

---------------------------------------------------------------

ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED

---------------------------------------------------------------

REMOVING CLOTHES: ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
With partner's consent.....12 Shoes flew off...............35
Without partner's consent.187 Expression didn't change....1/2
Orchestra swelled.............6
UNHOOKING BRA: Birds sang
Using two calm hands........7 Large birds..................7
Using one trembling hand...36 Small birds..................3
Earth moved..................30

Lifting partner............15 PULLING OUT:
Dragging partner on floor..16 After orgasm................1/2
Using skateboard............3 A few moments before orgasm.500

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: PENIS ENVY:
For normal healthy man....2.5 For woman.....................3
Losing erection............14 For men......................72
Searching for it..........115
GUILT:
PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training,
With erection.............1.5 orgasm comes easily..........53
Without erection..........300 You're enjoying sex,despite the
fact that other people are
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: starving......................2
If the woman who does it is Sex on your lunch hour........3
Experienced.................6 Putting it on expense account..
Inexperienced..............73 20
If a man does it..........680 AGGRAVATION:
Add (5) calories for retrieving Partner keeps showing plants..5
it from across the room. Partner insists on cuddling the
dog during foreplay..........14

ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY: Partner visiting bathroom for
Italian- Man on top,woman in 7th time.....................10
kitchen....................26 Partner taking phone calls....7
Russian- Woman on bottom, Partner making phone calls...40
Man getting permission.....55
American- Both on top......60 GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner's spouse..........60
SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE: By your spouse..............100
Bouncing....................7 Trying to explain............55
Sliding around..............9 Trying to remain calm.......100
Serious skidding...........12 Leaping out of bed...........75
Whiplash...................27 Getting dressed in one motion
500
Thanking partner quickly......2
ORGASM:
Real.......................27
Faked.....................160
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I understand it, there are great moral lessons to be learned both from
being poor and from being rich. Since I've been poor all my life, I've
exhausted the wisdom available from that condition.

My next logical step will be to become rich and learn what there is to be
learned from that.

To help me in this endeavor, please send checks or cash to:

President William Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC

Foreign currency is gladly accepted.

Your money will make this world a better place to live. For me, anyway.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanksgiving - that holiday when we all gather together and thank
someone for something because that's traditional and we wouldn't want
to muck with tradition now, would we - is over. And I'm happy.

You see, I'm a turkey.

It's a dog's life for us turkeys (OK, I'm mixing species, but what do
you want from a bird, for Heaven's sake?). People think we're stupid.
We're not, really. We've succeeded in making you think we are, though,
by getting eaten in mass quantities around this time of year.

In fact, Frank Perdue over-cooked my ex- brother-in-law this year. Serves
both of them right.

But I survived by cleverly disguising myself as a big, tall, bearded
guy. I figured that that image was just a little bit too close to
another seasonal icon to put me in any danger, even if I were found out.

This human stuff is fun. I can fly, which I couldn't as a turkey. But
the airlines are expensive and always "striking," whatever that is. It
sounds too close to "chopping" for comfort.

I've discovered a fondness for classical music, Monty Python (except
for that dead parrot thing; I knew the actor), and a generally quiet
life. Looking in the mirror, I appear to be about forty.

It being a festive time and all, I have also observed the custom of
mating, which seems to be much more fun for humans than for birds. So
I've decided to try it. A friend of mine, who used to be a dodo but is
now a Motor Vehicle Department clerk, told me that writing my story
might attract females.

In anyone's book, it has to be better than that silly plumage thing we
used to have to go through.

So if you're a woman of kind and quiet nature, maybe you can write
back. I promise I'll do my best to act like a man, and make you happy
that you did.

But as I've heard many of you say: All men are really just turkeys. You
probably wouldn't even notice.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Near the end of a tense golf match, a temperamental player was thrown
off his game. His caddie, it seems, had developed a severe case of
hiccups. It continued for several holes and finally on the eighteenth
hold the man's drive sliced into a grove of trees. Slamming his club to
the ground, he turned on his caddie. "That was because of you and your
blankety-blank hiccups!"
"But, I didn't hiccup then, sir," protested the caddie.
"That's just the point," screamed the player. "I had *allowed* for
it!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little old lady many years ago was still complaining about the
suffering and damage caused by the Civil War, even though the war had
been over forty years.
"We're still paying for that terrible war," she told a visitor one
day.
"What made you think of that today?" her companion asked.
"Because," the lady replied angrily, "when those darn Yankees came
through here they broke the hinges off our cellar door, and today the
hogs got into the cellar and ate up all my butter."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Someone we know says he's sorry he put a phone in his car. Running to
the garage every time it rings is a real nuisance.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone needs recognition for his accomplishments, but few people
make the need known quite as clearly as the little boy who said to his
father: "Let's play darts. I'll throw and you say 'Wonderful!'"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady tourist, admiring an Indian's necklace, asked him, "What are
you wearing around your neck?"
"Alligator teeth," the Indian answered.
After recovering from her initial shock, the lady said, "Well, I
suppose that they hold the same meaning for you as pearls do for us."
"Not quite," he answered. "Anybody can open an oyster."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guide was showing a Texan Niagara Falls.
Guide: I'll bet you don't have anything like that in Texas.
Texan: Nope, I reckon we don't, but we got plumbers that could fix it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a spirit of truthfulness in today's job applicants
that's really refreshing. Sam was asked if he was familiar with any
machines.
He said, "Four."
The interviewer said, "That's great. What are the four machines?"
He said, "Coke, coffee, candy, and cigarette."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A drunk fell into an open grave in the middle of winter and was
calling out, "Help. I'm freezing!"
Another drunk wandered by and called down, "No wonder....you
kicked all your dirt off."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A drunk staggering in the street was struck by a passing car.
The driver slammed on the brakes, jumped out and looking back at the
drunk shouted, "Look out!"
The drunk raised his head and asked, "Why? You gonna back up?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guffey, Colorado is a small town about 65 miles west of Colorado
Springs with a population of 35. It's situated in what was the
center of a volcano 25 illion years ago. There isn't a gas pump
or grocery store within 35 miles. The mayor of Guffey is a
3-year-old golden retriever named Shanda. "She has abolished the
leash law and remains quick to lick the feet of her constituency.
She's lousy at returning phone calls and urinates when she gets
excited." She's a Republican. She has replaced a Democrat as
mayor, a cat.

The oldest resident is 77 year-old Martha Naylor. She has two
dogs, three cats, seven ducks, two parakeets, six chickens and
one unwelcome coyote. Her daily custom is drinking Old Milwaukee
beer. "I like it and it likes me. You got a problem with that?"

The town was originally named Freshwater, but became Guffey when
Pennsylvania Senator Joseph Guffey gave residents $500 and a
picnic to name the town after him.

The biggest event in town is the Chicken Fly when rented chickens
are put in a mailbox atop a ten foot high perch and shobved out
with a plunger to see which one flies the farthest. Chickens, of
course, don't fly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Answers to
City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam

1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6out of 10 shots
and shoots 15 times each drive by, how many drive by shootings must he
conduct before he shoots 50 people?

Johnny hits 15*(4/10) people per drive by, which means that he
will have to participate in 9 drive bys to shoot 50 people.
However, he will nave completed two drive-by shootings and be
just starting the third when he has to reload. Since he only
stole a single clip, he'll only have shot 16 people when the
homeboys with the UZIs' make Swiss cheese out of him.

2. Pony has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for
$320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value
of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

At 454 grams per pound, 2oz of the rock = 56.75 grams. An "8
ball" is 8 grams, so pony has sold 10 grams total and has 46.75
grams left. If he keeps selling 8-balls, he can sell 5 more (for
a total of 5*$320=$1,600) and have 6.75 grams for his own nose.
If he sells 2 gram packs, he can sell (46/2-23) packs at $85
apiece = (23*$85)=$1,955. However, he could divide it into small
parts, bake it up into crack and sell the rocks for an even
larger profit. This problem is really more suited for the Gang
Multi-Variable Economics Test.

3. Ron is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick,
how many tricks will each have to turn so Jeff can pay for his $800
per day crack habit.

800/$64=12 tricks plus a dance. Also, Ron should consider making
a deal with Pony from Question #2.

4. Susan wants to cut her 1/2 pound of herion to maek 20% more profit.
How many ounces of cut will she need?

If she sells the cut herion at the same price per unit volume,
she will need 20% more voluem. 20% of 1/2 pound (=8oz) is 1.6oz.
So, Susan will need 1.6oz of cut to add to the 8 oz of herion to
get 20% more volume. She will want a cut which looks similar to
raw herion and has approximately the same melting point. Plain
sugar or laundry detergent are suggested. Laundry detergent has
the added benefit of removing the possibility of customer
complaints, but will sharply limit repeat business.

5. Blade gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for
a 4x4. If he has already stolen 2BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's
will he have to steal to make $800?

Blade has made 2*$200 + 3*$100=$700 dollars from his theft so
far. He needs $100 more, so he needs to steal $100/$50=2 more
Chevy's. However, he will probably want to steal 4 Chevy's so he
can take the extra two and make a really def low-rider.

6. Little Willy is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $25,000
for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $250 per month, how
much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many
years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

6 years*12 months/year*$250/month=$18,000. Little Willy will
have $25,000 - $18,000 = $7,000 left when he gets out of prison.
If Little Willy kills her in the USA, he sould expect to get 6
years. However, if he takes her down to Mexico and buries her
scrawny, track-market butt in the desert, he can get off scott
free.

7. If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and
the average letter is 4 square feet, hnow many letters can a tagger
spray with 3 cans of paint?

3 cans of paint will cover 3*22=66 square feet. 66/4=16 letters
with a little paint left over to spray in the eyes of the cop
who's comin' after you. Or the tagger could do 15 letters and a
bitchin' skull.

8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the
gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

6/27=22% of the girls. However, 2 of them are lying becasue
they've been sleeping with Freak, Hector's lieutenant. So, Skull
only knocked up 4/27 or 14.8%.

9. Rosie's sole source of income is shoplifting. If she gets 10 cent on
the dollar from her fence, how much merchandise must she shoplift each
week to make $250.

Solve X/10=250 for X, X=$2,500.

10. Mike carjacked a Chevy Camaro for his date Saturday night with his
14 year old girlfriend. He was arrested that night while making his
girlfriend in the bachseat. How much prison time is he looking for for
the carjacking and for statutory rape, even though the girl looked
legal? Assume no prior convictions is arriving at your answer.

Mike is only 12 so he will serve no time and will be making
his girlfriend in the lot in someone else's car next Saturday.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The number one killer of young Americans is the automobile.
However, the Secular Humanists dominating our schools refuse
to acknowledge that the only safe driving is abstinence from
driving. Instead, they advocate courses in "Driver Education",
in which teenagers are taught "Safe Driving", and no
attention is given to traditional values. They are even
taught the use of "Seat Belts" (and some classes even give
explicit demonstrations of the proper method of applying these
belts!) with, at best, a passing mention that the protection
provided by these belts is only partial. Clearly, this sends
a mixed message to our young people: it appears to condone
driving, and the more inquisitive will surely feel encouraged
to experiment with driving.

Stop the wanton slaughter! Contact your school board member
and insist that driving be taught in the family, in a climate
where the moral implications are not overlooked; not in the
schools where hedonistic instructors teach driving as a
mere form of pleasure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The jury finally returned to the courtroom. The judge asked the
foreman if a decision had been reached. The foreman said, "Yes, sir.
In our opinion, we don't think he did it because we don't believe he was
there. But we think he'd have done it if he'd had a shot at it!"

A woman says to the judge, "That's my side of the story. Now let me
tell you his!"

The judge said to the man, "This is the fifth time I've had you in
this court. Aren't you a little ashamed?"
"Your Honor, haven't I seen you five times? Do I criticize you?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A baby sardine saw a submarine for the first time. "What is that?
he asked his mother in a fearful voice. "Don't be scared," she
replied. "It's just a can of people."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO MAKE A TOURNIQUET by Hank R. Schiff
HANDLING YOUR EMOTIONS by Mel. N. Collie
CALM DOWN by Ed. G. Nerfs
KNOCKING YOUR FUNNY BONE by Lord Howard Hertz
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cowboy on a dude ranch watched one of the guests trying to
saddle a horse. "Pardon me," he said politely, "but you're
putting the saddle on backwards."
"What makes you so sure?" the guest asked angrily. "You don't
even know in which direction I'm going."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed
the button labeled, "Coffee, double cream, sugar." No cup appeared.
Then two nozzles went into action, one sending forth coffee, the
other, cream. After the proper amounts had gone down the drain
where the cup should have been, the machine turned off. "Now that's
real automation," the man exclaimed. "This thing even drinks it for
you."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
While taking a long drink at a pond, an elephant happened to glance up
and spotted a giant snapping turtle lazing on a nearby stone. It's eyes
narrowing, the elephant lumbered over and wacked the turtle repeatedly
with his trunk. And, for good measure, he raised a foot delicatedly and
squished the turtle flat with a mighty stomp.

A zebra, passing by, saw this murder, and approached the elephant with
intent to investigate. He arrived just as the elephant was shaking his
paw disdainfully to dislodge the remnants of the turtle.

"Wherefore did'st thou such a vile deed, friend?", neighed the zebra.
"This is the same animal that bit the tip of my trunk over 8 years ago!"
"How canst thou be so certain?", inquired the zebra,"thou needs must have
an infallible memory!"

Raising it's head proudly, the elephant said, "Turtle recall!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was a dark and stormy night, and Rene Descartes and his philosopher
friends John Stuart Mill, and Friedrich Nietzche were on their way to a
philosophy convention in Vienna in a coach. Suddenly the coach became
trapped in the thick mud beside the road. Rene leaped out of the coach
and franticly began pulling on the horses bridle, trying to coax the
animal into motion. The frightened animal gave him a hoof sandwich which
knocked him flat on his back.

Mill jumped out of the coach to help his stunned friend to his feet.
Nietzche laughed bitterly and said:

"In the future, it would be wiser not to put Descartes before the horse."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a book fair which I attended last week, I noticed that there were many
of my favourite books missing. I went up to the lady selling classics and
said, "What have you done with the medieval novels? Where's Ivanhoe?"

Without missing a beat, she answered, "It's been banned from the fair!
There's too much Saxon violence!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walking into a bar, Biff said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one,
Bob. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh, yeah? What happened this time?" Bob said.
"When it was over," Biff replied,"my wife came crawling to me on her
hands and knees."
"Really! Now there's a switch! What did she say?"
"She said 'Come on out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fleas meet every year on the beach in Ft. Lauderdale Fl. One
year the slightly older flea was on the beach basking in the 85
degree weather, with a drink in hand and checking out all the lovely
bikini clad women. All of a sudden he heard this chattering sound from
behind him. He turns around and to his horror sees his friend standing
there with his teeth chattering and ice beginning to melt from his nose.
The warm flea asks his friend "how come your so cold it's 85 degrees
out here". The cold flea answers "you see it's like this, I got a
ride down here, from Michigan, on the mustache of a guy driving down the
road on a motorcycle". The warm flea says "No no son, that's not
the way to do it. What you do is you go to a reststop and go in
the women's john. Right before she pulls up her panties, you jump in.
You'll be warm as toast".
The next year the warm flea is out on the beach, it's 85 degrees
out, he's drinking his drink, wearing his shades when he hears this loud
chattering sound again. He turns around and there's his friend freezing
to death.
The warm flea says, "What's wrong son didn't you do what I said"?
The cold flea says "I sure did. I went into a Michigan reststop and went
into the women's john. Just before this women pulled up her panties I jumped in. It was so warm I fell asleep. The next thing I knew I woke up on the mustache of a guy driving down the road on a motorcycle.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 7-UP company sends a salesman to the darkest parts of Africa. He
begins to sell to the natives. Then, one day, he does not report in.
The local police begin to look for him. Finally, they come to this
village of cannibals. They search around, and sure enough, they find
just his "thing". On questioning the local savages they wondered
why they ate all of him except his "thing". The reply: "Things go
better with coke".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench. All of
the sudden, out of nowhere a flasher comes along and stands with his
trenchcoat wide open right in front of them. The first little old lady
has a stroke, the second little old lady has a stroke, but the third
little old lady's arm is too short to reach.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fellow walks into a gun shop and wants to buy a pistol. When the clerk
asked him "what for" he said he wanted to shoot cans.
So the clerk took out a .22 pistol and they went to the basement range.
After a few shots the customer handed it back, saying it wasn't anywhere
near powerful enough. So the clerk went back and got a .38 for him to
try. A few shots later he handed this one back too, saying it was
better, but still didn't have quite enough power. The clerk went back
again and got a .44 for him to try. He took a few shots handed it back
to the clerk, saying that it was the best yet, and did he have anything
with more power still. The clerk went back and got a .357 magnum and
brought it down. After a few shots the customer said it was exactly what
he wanted, and he'd buy it as well as 3 boxes of ammo. "No problem" said
the clerk, "if you don't mind me asking, what kind of cans are you
planning on shooting with a gun this powerful?"

To which the customer replied, "Mexi-cans, Puerto Ri-cans,
Domini-cans..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What most women expect:

He will be a brilliant conversationalist.
He will be very sensitive, kind, understanding, truly loving.
He will be a very hard working man.
He will help around the house by washing dishes, vacuuming
floors, and taking care of the yard.
He will help his wife raise the children.
He will be a man of emotional and physical strength.
He will be as smart as Einstein, but will look like Robert
Redford.

What she gets:

He always takes her to the best restaurants. (Some day he may
even take her inside.)
He doesn't have any ulcers...he gives them.
Anytime he gets an idea in his head, he has the whole thing in a
nutshell.
He's well-known as a miracle worker...it's a miracle when he
works.
He supports his wife in the manner to which she was
accustomed...he's letting her keep her job.
He's such a bore that he even bores you to death when he gives
you a compliment.
He has occasional flashes of silence that make his conversation
brilliant.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What most men expect:

She will always be beautiful and cheerful. She could marry a
movie star, but wants only you.
She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
She will never be sick...just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
She will insist that moving the furniture by herself is good for
her figure.
She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car
or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling
snow (when necessary).
She will hate charge cards.
Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"
She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr.
America.
She will wish you would go out with the boys so she could get
some sewing done.
She will love you because you're so sexy.

What he gets:

She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
She was once a model for a totem pole.
She is a light eater...as soon as it gets light, she starts
eating.
Where there's smoke, there she is...cooking.
She lets you know you only have two faults...everything you say
and everything you do.
No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an
explosion in a steel wool factory.
If you get lost, open your wallet...she'll find you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady
was brought before the judge because of a ticket given her for driving
through a red light. She explained to His Honor, that she was a school
teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that
she might hasten on to her classes.
A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You're a school
teacher, eh?" said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition.
I've waited years to have a school teacher in this court. Sit down at
that table and write `I went through a red light' 500 times!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rather frugal man asked the bank for a loan of one dollar and
was told he would have to pay seven percent interest at the end of the
year. For security he offered $60,000. in U.S. bonds. The banker,
foreseeing a potential depositor, accepted the bonds and gave the man a
dollar.
At the end of the year, he was back with a dollar and seven
cents to clear up his debt and asked for the return of his bonds. Upon
returning the bonds the banker asked, "I don't want to be inquisitive,
but since you have all those bonds, why did you have to borrow a
dollar?"
"Well," said the tightfisted old gent, "I really didn't have to.
But do you know of any other way I could get the use of a safety
deposit box for seven cents a year?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The man of the house finally took all his family's disabled
umbrellas to the repair shop. Two days later, on the way to his
office, when he got up to leave the streetcar, he absentmindedly laid
hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside him. The woman cried,
"Stop. thief!" and rescued her umbrella, which covered the man with
shame and confusion.
The same day, he stopped at the repair shop and received all
eight of his umbrellas duly repaired. As he entered a streetcar with
the unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold
the lady of his morning adventure glaring at him. Her voice came to him
charged with withering scorn: "Huh! Ha a good day, didn't you!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in
one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this
time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a
change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The
wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes,
but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam
across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport,
got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City
Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss,
obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his
congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three
sermons...a $100. sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50. sermon that
lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10. sermon that lasts a full hour. Now,
we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a man who owned many sheep and wanted to take them
over a river that was frozen over, but the woman who owned the river
said "no." So he promised to marry her, and that's how he pulled the
wool over her ice.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The new Army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his
best for awhile, but about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find
the officer of the day standing before him.
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty,
this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked
upward and reverently said, "A-a-amen!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know that you are aging

When everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work when the gleam
in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals when you feel like
the morning after and you haven't been anywhere when your little black
book contains only names ending in M.D. when your children begin to look
middle-aged when you finally reach the top of the ladder and find it
leaning against
the wrong wall
when your mind makes contracts your body can't fulfill
when you look forward to a dull evening
when your favorite newspaper is "20 years ago today"
when you turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic
reasons
when you sit in a rocker and can't get it going
when your knees buckle and your belt won't
when you regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation when
you are 17 around the neck and 44 around the waist and 106 around
the golf course
when your back goes out more than you do
when a fortune-teller offers to read your face
when your pacemaker opens the garage door when the little grey haired
lady you help across the street is your wife when you sink your teeth
into a steak and they stay there when you know all the answers, but
nobody asks the questions.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a woman I know whose husband *lets* her play cards one night a
month with a group of friends. And every time she comes in after
midnight she awakens her husband. So, one night she decided she
wouldn't distrub him. She got home after midnight and undressed in
the living room. She hung her purse over her arm and tiptoed, nude,
into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

He looked up from his book, then at her and said, "Good Lord! Did you
lose everything?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard the one about the tribe of Basques who lived in this
valley? They heard that barbarian hoards were approaching, so they
decided to lay a trap. They all waited in the hills at the entrance
to the valley. When the barbarians passed by, they descended on them.
Unfortunately, the barbarians had a lot more experience at warfare
than the Basques did, and the Basques got slaughtered. The moral:
Don't put all your Basques in one exit.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heard about the newlyweds who were unable to talk about sex openly? They
managed to communicate their needs by refering to the act as "doing
the laundry".
One evening the guy said to his wife, "Honey, I really need to do a
load of laundry!"
She replied that she wasn't in the mood for laundry that night and she
went to sleep.
The next morning she was feeling a bit guilty that she hadn't
satified her husbands
needs so she asked him if he still wanted to "do the wash." His reply
was simple,
"No, it's all right dear, it was a small load so I did it by hand."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Getting to Know Your Computer
A Short Glossary of Computer Terms

Analog Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with
crushed nuts.
Back-up Current data errors that have been saved for future use.
See Database Back-up or File Back-up.
Binary Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
Bit 12 1/2 cents ($.125).
Buffer Programmer who works in the nude.
Bug Any type of insect.
Byte Painful wound inflicted by dogs, snakes, children etc.
Coding An addictive drug.
Compile A heap of decomposing vegetable matter.
Computer A device used to speed and automate errors.
Control Character Any person who has money to spend for any reason.
Crash A Normal Termination.
Cursor An Expert in four-letter words.
Database A special medium used to store errors, so that they can
be processed and printed many times by the computer
system. Sometimes called Input File or Data file.
Debugging Activities necessary to remove insects from any area
where they are not wanted.
Diskette A mobile accessory to transsfer and to store errors.
Downtime The time in which the computer rests while you sink into
the lower depths of depression.
(Downtime typically takes place while you are in the
middle of your most important work on the computer.).
Drive A hardware part were errors are loaded from diskettes.
The moment the dirve's led is on can be described as the
computer's orgasm.(the noise indicate it too!)
Errors The normal result of running a computer system.
Hardcoded Computer program code that has been allowed to dry.
Hardware 1. Boots, leather, studs, spikes and such.
2. The parts of a computer which can be kicked.
Keyboard An instrument used for entering errors into the system
quickly.
Logic Orderly path always followed by programs & errors.
Loop See Loop.
Maintenance Activities necessary to ensure that the system continues
to produce errors and delay work efficiently.
Never-Never Land 1. Place where no one grows up.
2. Place where programs love to go.
-It is also called the Twilight Zone
Password The nonsense word taped to your terminal.
Printer A device that prints computer errors on paper.
RAM A male sheep.
Reset A button located on the computer's body,which make easier
the "trip" of the programs to the Never-never land.
It is conssidered as the only way of avoiding errors.
ROM 1. A Ram after a delicate operation.
2. What programs do in Never-Never Land.
Screen The part of the computer where the errors are seen for
the first time. It is also the part programmers love to
break the most.The most inginous and smart feature of the
Screen is that it can be turned off.
Software 1. Silk nighties, nylons, teddies etc.
2. Parts of computer that can not be kicked.
Sometime Those occasions when a computer error message can be
interpreted and understood.
Security A feature of computer system access which helps prevent
the mis-use (or proper use) of the system.
Table-Lookup A piece of furniture that has been attached to the
ceiling.
Turbo A mode in which the computer compiles the errors faster.
It sometimes may help the programs to reach the
NeverNever land.
Uptime The time in which a computer works & produces errors
quickly and efficiently.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
A lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
The Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
7 Corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
9 postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
10 Nazi soldiers
9 postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
11 ninja masters
10 Nazi soldiers
9 postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
12 space invaders
11 ninja masters
10 Nazi soldiers
9 Postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporate interests
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a cetain "psycho" ward a intern would do daily rounds checking on all
of the patients. One day, one of the doctors on duty went on the
daily travels with the intern. As they approached one of the rooms the
doctor saw one patient pretending to take football snaps from center,
dropping back a few yards and firing a pass. He did this over and over
again. The doctor inquired about this behavior, to which the patient
remarked "When I get out of here I plan on being a professional
quarterback". In the next room another patient was behaving similiarly
but he was going through the wind-up motions of a pitcher. The doctor
again asked what this patient was doing. The patient replied "When I get
out of this place I am going to be a major leauge baseball player". The
doctor thought about it and continued on with the rounds until he came
upon the next room. In this room was a man masturbating while laying in
a giant pile of mixed nuts. Once again the doctor asked what this man
was doing, to which the intern replied "He's fucking nuts, he ain't ever
getting out of here!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A marine general, an army general and an navy admiral were discussing
who has the toughest men one day. The army general goes, " alright, I'll
prove the army's got the toughest men in the country. Private get over
here!"
The private reports as ordered -"yes sir?" The general goes" see that
man over there? kill him!" Without hesitating the private kills the
man. The general goes "see? that man has balls!" The marine general
goes "that's nothing! Private get over here!" The marine private
reports "yes sir?" The general goes"see that man over there? kill him
and then yourself!" Without blinking the marine private pulls out his
m-16 and blows away the guy and turns the rifle on himself and unloads
several rounds. The marine general goes "see? now that man has balls!"
The admiral says," that's nothing" he calls to a seaman high up on a
tower,"hey seaman! Jump off that tower!"
the seaman goes"excuse me sir?" the admiral repeats,"JUMP OFF THAT
TOWER!" the seaman replies "fuck you sir!" the admiral goes, "see? that
man has balls and he's got brains too!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a man trying to cross the street. But when he steps off the curb
a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The
man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes
lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back,
but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now,
the car is so close and the man so scared that he just stops in the
middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last
possible moment and stops next to the man. The driver rolls down the
window. It's a squirrel. He says, "See, it's not as easy as it
looks."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Atlanta Journal and Constitution
December 3, 1993

SECTION: FEATURES; Section C; Page 6
LENGTH: 444 words
HEADLINE: FUNKY FRIDAY FRANKLY FUN STUFF NEWS OF THE WEIRD
BYLINE: By Chuck Shepherd

BODY:
SPOILED FOOD: A 25th wedding anniversary party was disrupted
in Webster, Mass., in November when 20 people were hospitalized
because the chicken-gizzards-and-bananas dish, a Puerto Rican
delicacy, spoiled.
SNAKE EATER: China's Nanjing Daily reported in May that farmer
Li Hongzhong, 42, has eaten a snake nearly every day for the past
20 years, feels miserable on the days he can't eat one and, not
surprisingly, has had difficulty meeting prospective marriage
partners. Reporters witnessed the farmer eating a 2-foot-long
snake that was twisting violently as he swallowed it.
COW PARTS: In March, a small dump truck overturned in
Marietta, Ohio, littering the street with cow parts. A smaller
shipment fell off a truck on the same street the following week,
running the total of cow-parts spills to four in a year. Said
City Councilwoman Katie McGlynn, "I would just like to know why
this continues to happen. Maybe we need a stronger ordinance to
make this a more serious crime."
DEAD, DO NOT DISTURB: In April, District Attorney Paul
Morrison of Merriam, Kan., said the body of a man who committed
suicide went undetected for three days in a bathroom of a house
that was being shown by a real estate agent. Apparently, neither
the agent nor prospective buyers were interested in looking
inside that particular bathroom. And over a four-day period in
February, guests slept in a room at an Edmonton, Alberta, motel,
unaware that a woman's body was stuffed between the floor and box
spring.
WHO ARE THE RATS? In June, Steven Muys, 27, and Candace Temen,
21, were charged with mistreatment of animals in Park Forest,
Ill., after police responded to a neighbor's complaint of a bad
smell coming from their home. Muys told police the smell was
probably the cat's litter box, but when the police went to the
basement to view it, they found 42 snakes and nearly 800 mice and
rats, which were apparently being bred as food for the snakes.
WHAT LUCK: Dairy farmer Anthony Tworek, 31, slipped from a
stepladder in Clarksdale, Mo., in May, falling backward with such
force that he impaled himself by the neck on a 1 1/2-inch-thick
pole. The pole entered alongside his carotid artery but did not
touch it and went through the roof of his mouth, missing his
brain by 1/2 inch. He recovered fully.
U.S. postal inspectors in October said a man calling himself
"John Walker" unsuccessfully attempted an apparently
too-well-known scam: He mailed 100,000 letters to restaurants
across the country demanding that they reimburse him $ 9.20 for a
fictional incident in which a waiter spilled a drink on his silk
sports jacket. Inspectors found that Walker received 20 pieces of
mail in reply, which would have earned him a total of $ 184,
compared to his postage costs of $ 29,000.
The Jerusalem News Service reported in June that chemist
Rabbi Moshe Antelman has invented a bullet that he believes will
do more than merely kill Islamic fundamentalist terrorists
physically. The bullets contain small amounts of pork, and many
Moslems believe that any contact with swine will kill their
souls.
In June, U.S. customs agents in Miami, tipped off by
seeing an "unnatural bulge" in one of the boa constrictors
entering the country in a shipment from Colombia,
confiscated the entire shipment and found 312 snakes with
cocaine-filled condoms in their stomachs and their rectums
sewn shut.
Edilber Guimaraes, 19, was arrested in Belo Horizonte,
Brazil, in November for attempted theft at a glue factory.
According to police, as Guimaraes stopped to sniff some of
the glue he was stealing, he knocked over two large cans,
spilling their contents. When police arrived at the factory,
Guimaraes was sitting immobile, glued to the floor.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Clintons are going to a costume party, but they
can't decide what to wear...
Hillary says to Bill, "I've got a idea" and goes
into the next room. When she comes back out she's naked as
a jay bird except for a lemon stratigically covering her
crotch area.
Bill says, "Well, Hillary, don't you think that's a
little revealing?"
Hillary replies, "I'm the First Lady and I can wear
whatever I want!"
Bill says, "Yeah, I guess that's true..." He then
goes into the room. When he comes out he's also as naked
as a jay bird except for a potato stratically covering his
crotch area.
Hillary says, "Wow, Bill. Nice costume."
Bill replies, "I figured if you could go as a sour
puss I could go as a dictator."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to
burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to
find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not
locked. Just turn the knob."
He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire
premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police
carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in
human nature has been rudely shaken."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
My weight is my shepherd;
I shall not want low-calorie foods.
It maketh me to munch on potato chips and bean dip;
It leadeth me into 31 Flavors;
It restoreth my soul food;
It leadeth me in the paths of cream puffs in bakeries.
Yea, though I waddle through the valley of weight watchers,
I will fear no skimmed milk;
For my appetite is with me;
My Hostess "Twinkies" and "Ding Dongs," they comfort me;
They anointeth my body with calories;
My scale tippeth over!
Surely chubbiness and contentment shall follow me
All the days of my life.
And I shall dwell in the house of
Mrs. Smith's pies...forever!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
LEAD STORY
On Oct. 1, Mikey Sproul, age 3, made national news when he commandered
the family car, which had one flat tire, and cruised down U.S. 41 near
Tampa, Fla., hitting two parked cars and narrowly missing several moving
ones. Mikey's assessment: "I go zoom." On Nov. 11, using a cigarette
lighter, Mikey burned down his family house, sending his father to the
hospital with second- and third-degree burns. Mikey's assessment: "Now
I have no more house."

EH-UUUUUUH, GROSS
--A 25th wedding anniversary party was disrupted in Webster, Mass., in
November when 20 people were hospitalized because the chicken-gizzards-
and-bannanas dish, which is a Puerto Rican delicacy, spoiled.

--China's Nanjing Daily reported in May that farmer Li Hongzhong, 42,
has eaten a snake every day for the past 20 years, feels miserable on
the days he can't eat one, and not surpriseingly has had difficulty
meeting prospective marriage partners. Reporters witnessed Li eating a
two-foot-long snake that was twisting violently as he swollowed it.

--Dairy farmer Anthony Tworek, 31, slipped from a stepladder in
Clarksdale, Mo., in May, falling backward with such force that he
impaled himself bythe neck on a 1 1/2-inch-thick pole. The pole entered
alongside his carotid artery but did not touch it and went through the
roof of his mouth, missing his brain by half an inch. He fully recovered.

PEOPLE UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT
--In Febuary, in Columbia, S.C., a bullet was fired through the office
window of the county treasurer Marjorie Sharpe admist growing displeasure
at delays in her office's tax-appeal hearings. Sharpe told reporters,
"Don't (the vandals) realize it's going to make their tax bills (even)
higher when we have to replace these windows?"

--In March, Medford, Pa., police charged James G. Avallone with several
DUI-related offenses. Avallone allegedly smashed into a tree amd a
lamppost, then dutifully drove to the Medford police station to report
the accidents. However, he had no drive's license or registration and
refused to take a blood-alcohol test.

LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALS
On Oct. 29, two men approached a teller at the Horbor Bank in Baltimore
with a note reading: "I have a gun. Gimme me (sic) your money or else."
According to a witness, the teller looked at the note, which was written
the back of a deposit slip for another back, and replied, "This is a
Maryland National (Bank) transaction -- you have to go to Maryland
National." The men looked at each other, panicked and ran off.

INEXPLICABLE
In Bay Minette, Ala., Raymond Giadrorsich, 39, on trial in September
for killing his wife and mother-in-law near the end of a stormy divorce
proceeding, was convicted on one count. Although Giadrorsich shot his
wife, and then, 10 seconds later, the mother, the jury found him not
guilty by reason of insanity for the first killing but sane and guilty
for the second.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE COMPUTER EXPERTS GLOSSARY

ADA: Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing.
Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."

Bug: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends
when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.

Cache: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no
one is supposed to know is there.

Design: What you regret not doing later on.

Documentation: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for
English speaking persons.

Economies of scale: The notion that bigger is better. In particular,
that if you want a certain amount of computer power,
it is much better to buy one biggie than a bunch of
smallies. Accepted as an article of faith by people
who love big machines and all that complexity.
Rejected as an article of faith by those who love
small machines and all those limitations.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Information Center: A room staffed by professional computer people
whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have
the information you require.

Information Processing: What you call data processing when people are so
disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed
in their presence.

Machine-indepenent program: A program that will not run on any machine.

Meeting: An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what
person or department not represented in the room must solve
the problem.

Minicomputer: A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a
middle-level manager.

Office Automation: The use of computers to improve efficiency in the
office by removing anyone you would want to talk
with over coffee.

On-line: The idea that a human being should always be accessible
to a computer.

Pascal: A programming language named after a man who would turn over
in his grave if he knew about it.

Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system
works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances.
Or was rumored to be working over in Jersey about a month
ago.

Priority: A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user
doesn't care when the work is completed so long as he is
treated less badly than someone else.

Quality control: Assuring that the quality of a product does not get
out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture
or design.

Regression analysis: Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why
things are getting worse.

Strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until
sometime after those creating it have left the organization.

Systems programmer: A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with
the senior vice president and is ultimately
responsible for a phonecall you are to receive from
you boss.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Selecting a Programming Language

Assembler - A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive
and maintain.
FORTRAN II - A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV - A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77 - a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission
and no seat belts.
COBOL - A deliver van It's bulky and ugly but it does the
work.
BASIC - A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched
upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to
drive. You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new
one.
PL/I - A Cadillac convertable with automatic transmission, a
two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust
pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.
C - A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with
optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster
(escape to assembler).
ALGOL 60 - An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car.
Pascal - A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once
popular with intellectual types.
Modula II - A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch.
ALGOL 68 - An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone
can drive it.
LISP - An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are
not available.
PROLOG/LUCID - Prototype concept cars. Maple/MACSYMA - All-terrain
vehicles.
FORTH - A go-cart.
LOGO - A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a
real engine and a working horn.
APL - A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of
passengers to the same place all at the same time
but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented
in Greek.
Ada - An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering,
power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard.
No other colors or options are available. If it's good
enough for generals, it's good enough for you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day an elderly lady was shocked by the language used by two
men repairing telephone wires near her home. She even wrote a letter
to the company complaining about the matter. The foreman was ordered to
report the happening to his superior.
"Me and Joe Wilson were on this job." he reported. "I was up on
the telephone pole and I accidentally let hot lead fall on Joe, and it
went down his neck. Then he called up to me, `You really must be more
careful, Harry.'"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old miser, because of his exceptional thrift, had no friends.
Just before he died he called his doctor, lawyer, and minister together
around his bedside. "I have always heard you can't take it with you,
but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 in cash
under my mattress. It's in three envelopes of $30,000 each. I want
each of you to take one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt
on me, you throw the envelopes in."
The three attended the funeral, and each threw his envelope into
the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I
don't feel exactly right. I'm going to confess: I needed $10,000 badly
for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only
$20,000 in the grave."
The doctor said, "I, too, must confess: I am building a
hospital and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000."
The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed
of you. I don't see how you could hold out that money. I threw in my
personal check for the full amount."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems that a tribal chieftain's daughter was offered as a bride
to the son of a neighboring potentate in exchange for two cows and four
sheep. The big swap was to be effected on the shore of the stream that
separated the two tribes. Pop and his daughter showed up at the
appointed time, only to discover that the groom and his livestock were
on the other side of the stream. The father grunted, "The fool doesn't
know which side his bride is bartered on."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cute. One day I was driving down the highway, 'bout 60, and I happened
to look out the window and I saw this chicken, running on the side of the
road, about to pass me.

Well, I was curious so I followed him. He stopped at a farm with a bunch
of other chickens running around out there. Well, I was perplezed so's I
got out of my car and walked up and knocked on the door. A man answered
and I said, "What's the secret; why do your chickens run so fast."

"Well, son," he drawled. "My family has always loved chicken legs, so I
bred me a special breed of chickens that have six legs."

"Is their meat good," I asked.

"Don't rightly know," he answered. "We ain't caught us one yet."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
100 WAYS TO FREAK OUT YOUR ROOMMATE

1 Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.

2 Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

3 Twitch a lot.

4 Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

5 Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk
to them.

6 Become a subgenius.

7 Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

8 Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up
out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

9 Speak in tongues.

10 Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start
subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue
everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

11 Walk and talk backwards.

12 Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans
in the middle of your room. Number them.

13 Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night.
If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight
face, "They're more than meets the eye."

14 Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo
Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

15 Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on
a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for
your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

16 Collect all your urine in a small jug.

17 Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you
food.

18 Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it
off when you are.

19 Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple
of weeks."

20 Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend
to masturbate while reading them.

21 Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to
come, pretend nothing happened.

22 Eat glass.

23 Smoke ballpoint pens.

24 Smile. All the time.

25 Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what
you think the dog ate.

26 Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.

27 Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash
can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food,
and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get
hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

28 Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list
of grievances.

29 Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

30 Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned,
and then look away quickly.

31 Dye all your underwear lime green.

32 Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

33 Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

34 Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet.
Accuse him/her of stealing it.

35 Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).

36 Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

37 Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand
up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this
up for three weeks.

38 Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your
dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

39 Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

40 Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start
with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

41 Shave one eyebrow.

42 Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and
pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate
comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching
violently.

43 Put horseradish in your shoes.

44 Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain
loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

45 Always flush the toilet three times.

46 Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

47 Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it
at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that
it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

48 Give him/her an allowance.

49 Listen to radio static.

50 Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close
them as soon as you wake up.

51 Cry a lot.

52 Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.

53 Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie.
Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while
studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her
suspiciously.

54 Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.

55 Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes
and giggle to yourself.

56 If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was going to attend a Halloween party dressed in a costume
of the devil. On his way it began to rain, so he darted into a church
where a revival meeting was in progress.
At the sight of his devil's costume, people began to scatter
through the doors and windows.
One lady got her coat sleeve caught on the arm of one of the
seats and, as the man came closer, she pleaded, "Satan, I've been a
member of this church for 20 years, but I've really been on your side
all the time."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There will be a new sight on Christmas Eve,
Stay up and watch....It's hard to believe!

Santa gave up his sleigh full of loot,
Fired his reindeer and burned his red suit!

He got rid of the elves and called Master Charge,
Now he has an account, and boy, is it large!

He'll be buying all gifts for the rest of his years.
Your stuff will say "K-Mart", "J.C. Penny's", or "Sears"!

He'd gotten a little behind the whole Nation
With homemade toys and deer for transportation.

So forget feeding Rudolph, don't lay out the barley,
'Cause this year Santa rolls up on his Harley!

He's a biker now, and it's a whole new racket,
It says "Bad Ass Santa" on his black leather jacket!

Mrs. Claus is now his "Old Lady"!
They've got spikes on their helmets,
And they look kinda shady!

He's got a "chopper" with a "sissy bar",
And his "Old Lady" now has a "side car"!

He's really "hip" as he cruises around,
With his "boom box" blastin', Santa really gets down!

He's popping "wheelies", and stopping on dimes,
Glad that he's finally caught up with the times.

So sit by your window, it's something you'll like,
This modern day Santa on a shiny chrome bike!

And you'll hear him exclaim as he rides out of sight,

"MERRY CHRISTMAS, MAN! THIS SHIT'S ALRIGHT!!!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading:

"Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry."

Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by an
obviously Oriental man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt. "How
come you have a name like that?" inquired the stranger.

The Oriental explained in very broken English that when he
landed in America he was standing in the immigration line behind a
German. When asked his name, the German replied, "Hans Schmidt." When
the immigration official asked the Oriental his name, He replied,
"Sam Ting."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over
a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency
in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments
all over the country. It was with particular urgency that little
Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big Toronto
department store.

Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting
to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby
horse. As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment,
Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and
forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after
a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock
for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert
ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She
began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would
get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.

Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family
drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to
Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate."

"I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try."
Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear.
Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and
took his mother's hand.

Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As they drove
home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert
was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate
cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's words were.
Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word. What had Santa said?
Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able
to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great
deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa Claus had used
on Wilbert. She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much
cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did
Santa say?

Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a
bitch, if you don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse
right this second, I'm going to kick the living shit out of you!' "
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Known Computer Languages
(author unknown)
From the Pi Mu Epsilon Journal,
Volume 8, #9, 1983

PASCAL, FORTRAN, COBOL -- These programming languages are well known
and (more or less) well loved throughout the computer industry. There
are numerous other languages, however, that are less well known yet still
have ardent devotees. In fact, these little known languages generally
have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about
these obscure languages -- and why they are obscure -- we present the
following catalog:

SIMPLE -- SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiots Monopurpose Programming
Linguistic Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to
BEGIN, END, and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you
can't make a syntax error.

SLOBOL -- SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it. Although
many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, COBOL
compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Three or
four programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their
terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL
programmers try to return to a related (but infinitely faster) language,
COCAINE.

VALGOL -- From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San
Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across
the industry.
VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y'NOW. Variables are
assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other operators include
the "California Booleans," FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of code are
handled in FERSURE loops. Here is a sample VALGOL program.

LIKE,Y'NOW (IMEAN) START
IF
A=LIKE BITCHEN AND
B=LIKE TUBULAR AND
C=LIKE GRODY**M4
(FERSURE)**2
THEN
FOR I=LIKE1 TO OH MAYBE 100
DO WAH + (DITTY**2)
BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
SURE
LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
REALLY
LIKE TOTALLY(Y'NOW)

VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
message GAG ME WITH A SPOON!

LAIDBACK -- Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which
was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there
for long, since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean
curd and Perrier.
Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
syntax errors with the message: SORRY, MAN, I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.

SARTRE -- Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an
extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose,
they just are. Thus, SARTRE programs are left to define their own
functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are no
fun at parties.

FIFTH -- FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data
types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, DUNCE, SHOT, and
JIGGER, to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM, and
BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATSEVERAROUND.
The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication
and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and
RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end
up using this language.

C -- This language was named for the grade received by its creator
when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.
C is best described as a "low level" programming language. In fact, the
language generally requires more C statements than machine code
statements to exercise a given task. In this respect, it is very similar
to COBOL.

LITHP -- This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the
absence of an "S" in its character set. Programmers and users must
substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in prothething lithtth.

DOGO -- Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO
commands include SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature
of DOGO is "puppy graphics," a small cocker spaniel that occasionally
leaves a deposit as he travels across the screen.

FOCUSALL -- a language designed to run on small DEC machines with
minimal memory. Its only supported distribution is paper tape, for
loading in from an ASR-33 teletype. This takes 20 minutes, after which
the user is greeted with the message:

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE JUST LOADED FOCUSALL!

The interpreter is then ready to accept any valid command. The only
valid command is:

LOAD FOCUSALL

which causes the system to once again load the interpreter from paper
tape. The power of the language comes from the fact that preceding a
command with a statement line causes it to be stored as a program line
for later execution as in the following example:

10 LOAD FOCUSALL
20 LOAD FOCUSALL
...ETC...

PINBOL -- PINBOL is best known for the chance involved in making its
program run. Three tries at running are allowed, after which the message
"GAME OVER. INSERT QUARTER AND TRY AGAIN" is displayed. Some allowable
PINBOL instructions and their meanings are:

LEFT FLIPPER Illogical Left Shift
RIGHT FLIPPER Illogical Right Shift
SHOOT Try to Run

PINBOL is known to be extremely addictive. Those who are fluent
PINBOL programmers are known as PINBOL WIZARDS.

FASTBOL -- commonly known as QUICKIE. Error messages include
"COMPUTUS INTERRUPTUS." A closely related language is NOONER.

GERITOL -- This language is characterized by the habits of its ardent
users. Instructions frequently forget their function while executing and
conclude with the "I USED TO KNOW THAT" condition code. Loops tend to
repeat frequently at sporadic intervals, even when not initiated.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
WEIRDNUZ.289 (News of the Weird, August 20, 1993)
by Chuck Shepherd

Lead Story

South African KwaZulu leader Mangosuthu Buthelezi began his annual

state-of-the-state policy address to the KwaZulu legislature on March 12,
spoke continuously during weekday business hours, and finished on March
30--reading 427 pages of text and waiting for the translation from
English to Zulu. [Deseret News-AP, 3-31-93]

Inexplicable

In July in Elkton, Va., Jarrette Arlo Dean, 43, gnawed the head off a

rattlesnake that had bitten him on the hand while he was transporting the
snake on his motorcycle. Dean apparently became exasperated at the bites
and took preemptive action by biting the snake's head. Dean was
hospitalized in intensive care with severely swollen lips and tongue.
[Edmonton Journal-Earthweek, 7-18-93; Albuquerque Journal-AP, 7-30-93]

The Chicago Tribune reported in June that lawyers for William L.

Carlson, 19, who is serving a 90-year sentence in Illinois for killing
his parents, were optimistic that Carlson would be awarded the parents'
$700,000 estate. In a plea bargain, Carlson confessed to killing only
his father, who died first. At the moment of his death, the father's
estate passed to the mother, whose beneficiary is William, who
technically has not been convicted of killing her. [Chicago Tribune,
6-27-93]

The U. S. Treasury Department's Historical Association announced it

is raising money this year by offering for sale Internal Revenue Service
gift ornaments, for $11, that commemorate the 80th anniversary of the
16th amendment, which authorized the income tax. The ornaments are
"24-carat, gold finished, three-dimensional" models of a 1913 income tax
form. [Rock Island Argus-AP, 5-8-93]

In a June profile, The New York Times reported that New York City

Sanitation Department's "artist-in-residence," Mierle Laderman Ukeles,
has accomplished the following: built an archway made of gloves
discarded by city employees and a structure made of piled steel shavings
from subway car wheels; choreographed a dance of street-sweeping
machines; and conducted a performance art piece in which she shook hands
with all 8,500 employees of the Department. On the side, the
self-described "maintenance artist" conducted a ballet of garbage barges
in Pittsburgh. [New York Times, 6-14-93]

Police in Gonzalez, La., arrested Garrick "Lucky" Lewis, 20, in April

on the complaint of a 21-year-old woman. The woman said Lewis broke into
her apartment, lectured her about the need to lock her windows and doors,
and left. A half-hour later, Lewis broke in again and allegedly tried to
rape her. [Baton Rouge Morning Advocate, 4-9-93]

District of Columbia Superior Court judge John Bayly was forced to

declare a mistrial in a child-beating case in July when the defendant's
lawyer casually informed the judge in the middle of the trial that he was
leaving on vacation that evening. Lawyer Clayton J. Powell, Jr., cited
a commitment to his family and to his nonrefundable airline tickets.
Another lawyer in the case told reporters that Powell was committing
"professional suicide." [Washington Post, 7-30-93]

Neighbors in Kittery, Maine, the Hill and Cormier families, have been

feuding for years over the noisy Cormier family dogs, with the Hills
complaining that the police never take action to stop the constant
barking. In April, the police issued the first summons in the feud--to
the Hills' son, Henry Paradis, for creating a nuisance by barking back at
the Cormiers' dogs. [Boston Globe, Apr93]

First Things First

Former Hemet, Calif., high school quarterback A. T. Page, who had sex

over a hundred times with the wife of his coach Randy Brown, in Brown's
presence, said Brown called the adventures "astronaut training" and said
they would make Page a better football player. Said Page, "Just as [sex]
would be going on with [Mrs. Brown], [the coach] would plug in a
videotape of a scrimmage or a practice and say, 'Now this is what you're
doing wrong, A. T.'" [Columbia Tribune-AP, 7-12-93]

Testifying in June, former St. Joseph, Mo., sheriff's deputy Tim

Carder said convicted murderer John Ferguson escaped from his custody
during a physical therapy session at a hospital in 1992 when Carder took
a restroom break. "I just got to the point where I had to go to the
restroom," said Carder. "At that point, I didn't have any other choice."
[Columbia Tribune-AP, 6-18-93]

In December, at the University of Colorado, three-hour final exams in

French classes were canceled halfway through when women's basketball
coach Ceal Barry commandeered the gym where the exam was being held for a
team practice. All 580 test-takers received an A because of the
inconvenience. [Denver Post, Jan93; St. Petersburg Times, 12-16-92]

The Weirdo-American Community

Two Milwaukee Psychiatric Hospital doctors, reporting in a recent issue

of the Journal of the American Medical Association, described the case of
a 44-year-old man who attempted suicide through an overdose of nicotine.
After consuming a pot of strong coffee, he stuck seven nicotine patches
to his chest and began smoking cigarettes, two at a time, hoping to
induce a heart attack. After two hours, he panicked and ended the
attempt. [Milwaukee Journal-AP, Jul93]

I Don't Think So

London housewife Julie Amiri, charged in July with shoplifting, sought

leniency in court by having her psychologist testify that she can achieve
orgasm only from the rush of a police arrest. Amiri said she had her
first orgasm at age 28 in the back of a police car, and the psychologist
added that sirens, uniforms, and flashing blue lights heightened her
arousal. [San Jose Mercury News, 7-10-93]

Copyright 1993, Universal Press Syndicate. All rights reserved.
Released for the personal use of readers. No commercial use may be made
of the material or of the name News of the Weird.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
--==>> THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO COWS <<==--
as you've NEVER seen them before!

________________________
(__) / \ * OFFICIAL EDITION *
(oo) ( November 1989 Version! )
/-------\/ --'\________________________/ * WORLDWIDE DISTRIBUTION *
/ | ||

||----|| Edited by Eric W. Tilenius

^^ ^^ Please send your submissions to:
Cow ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU // ewtileni@pucc.BITNET

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

(__) (__) (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) (oo) (oo)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | || / | || / | ||

||----|| * ||W---|| * ||w---|| * ||V---||

^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow Cow laden Same cow Nancy Reagan-type
with milk after milking cow with milk

(___) (___) * (___) (___)
(o o) (o o) \ (o o) (o o)
/-------\ / /-------\ / \-------\ / /-------\ /
/ | ||O / | ||O | ||O / | ~#>-+|O

||,---|| * ||@\--|| ||,---|| * ||,----|

^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^
Bull Same bull after Rotc bull after Red-blooded American Bull
seeing above cow seeing other bull shooting the Rotc bull

(__) (__) (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) (oo) (oo)
/-------\/-* /-------\/ /-------\/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/ | || \ )*)(\/* / * / | ||

||----|| * \ |||/)|/()( ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

\/|(/)(/\/(,,/ \)|(/\/|)(/\
Cow munching Grass munching Cow in water Cow in trouble
on grass on cow

(__) (__) * (__) * (__)
(oo) (oo) \ (oo) | (oo)
/--------\/ /-oooooo-\/ \-------\/ \-------\/
||----|| ooooooooooooo ||----||>==/-----||
ooo^^ ^^ ooooooooooooooooo ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow taking Cow in deep Cow getting the shit
a shit shit kicked out of her

(__)
(oo) U
/-------\/ /---V
/ | || * |--| .

||----||

^^ ^^

Cow at 1 meter. Cow at 100 meters. Cow at 10,000 meters.

(__) )__( vv vv
(oo) (oo) ||----|| *
/-------\/ *-------\/ || | /
/ | || / | || /\-------/

||----|| / ||----|| (oo)

^^ ^^ vv vv (~~)

American Cow Polish Cow Australian Cow

(__) (__) (__)
(oo) ____ (oo) _---_(oo)
/-------\/ /- --\/ /- -\/
/ | || / | || /| ||

||----|| * ||___-|| * ||___-||

^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^

Freshman Cow at Freshman Cow Freshman Cow
start of school After the "Freshman 15" After the "Freshman 20"

(__) (__) (__)
(OO) (@@) (xx)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | || / | ||

||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||

^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^

Cow who drank Jolt Cow who ate Cow who used Jolt to wash
psychadelic mushrooms down psychadelic mushrooms

/\ __
/ \ ||
(__) (__) \ / (_||_)
SooS (oo) \/ (oo)
/------S\/S /-------\/ /S /-------\/
/ | || / | || / S / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----||___/ S * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
This cow belonged Ben Franklin owned Abe Lincoln's
to George Washington this cow cow

(__)
* (__) (oo)
\ (oo) /------\/
\-------\/ /| |/ |
| ==$ || / | [) ||
||----|| * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Old "One Arm" belonged This cow was given to
to Ceasar's Palace Hugh Hefner for his Birthday

(___) (__) (__)
( O ) (oo) (oo)
/-------\ / \/--------\/
/ | ||V | |
* ||----|| ||------||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
The cyclops that Jason and This cow lived with
the Argonauts met had this cow Dr. Doolittle

(__) (__)
[##] (@o)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /------- (__)
/ | || / | || / | || (oo)
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|---\/
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^
This cow belonged This cow lived with This cow belonged to
to Flash Gordon the Little Rascals the Headless Horseman

(____) (____) (____)
(oo ) (o o) ( O O)
/-----------\ / /-----\ /---- /-----------\ /
/ || | \/ / | | \/ | / || | \/
/ || |||| \ | | | | | / || ||||
* ||||-----|||| *| | |-----| | | * ||||-----||||
/\/\ /\/\ /\ /\ /\ /\ ^^^^ ^^^^
This cow belonged This was Salvatore No one was sure whether
to Pablo Picasso Dali's favorite cow M.C. Escher's cow had four
legs or eight

O__O \_|_/
(oo) (oo)
/-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow at Disneyland Cow visiting the Statue of Liberty

(__) (__)
^^ (oo) (--)
^^^^ /-------\/ /-\/-\
^^^^^ / | || /| |\
^^^^^ * ||----|| ^ | | ^
^^^^^^^^ ====^^====^^==== | |
^^^^^^^^^^^^^/ /----\
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ / \ \
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^ * ^
Cow Hanging Ten at Malibu Cow sunning at Fort Lauderdale
(What a bod, huh guys?)

)\ (__)
/ \ (oo)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cow swimming at Amityville
(Where Jaws was filmed, for those less educated)

* (__)
\ (DD)
\ /-------\/
|\ / | ||_\_/
\ | \ (__) * ||----|
\\|| \(oo) ^^ ^
\||\ \\/ Cow chugging brews and staring at
^^ \|| sunbathers at Fort Lauderdale
\\ ||
\\||
\||
^^ / / / / / / / / / / /
\\_ / / / / / / / / / / / /
\_ / / / / / _______ / /
Cow skiing a Black Diamond at Aspen / / / / | \ / /
/ / / (__)| / /
/ / / (oo)| / /
( @@@ ) /-------\/ |
( @@ ) (------------) / | ||^_|
@@ (__) ( *>COUGH<* ) * ||----|
@@ (oo) . . . ( *>COUGH<* ) ^^ ^
/--UU--\/ (____________)
/ | || Cow sheltering from English Weather
* ||---||

(New) Jersey Cow

O O O O
\ \ / /
\ \ (__) /
(__) \ \ (xx)/
(DD) \ +--------+\//
/-------\/ \| | /
/ | || +--------+
^^ ^^
Cow fantasizing about "Riding the Mechanical Bull"
at Gillies in Texas

o o
|__| (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) =(oo)= oo
/-------\/ /-------vv /-------\/
/ | || / | || / | ||

||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
bill bixby bela lugosi boris karloff claude rains
male relative cow cow cow
cow
x
xxxx|xxxx
xxxxxxx|xxxxxxx
|
//
(__) // (__) (__)
(oo)// (oo)===(oo)
/-------\// /-------\/ \/-------\
/ | |// / | || || | \
* ||----| * ||----|| ||----|| *
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Julie Andrews Cow Siamese cows

o o (__) ^
\ / (oo) /
\ / _____\/___/
(__) \__/ / /\ / /
(oo) _______(oo) ^ / * /
/---------\/ /| ___ \/ / ___/
/ | x=a(b)|| / | { }|| *----/\
* ||------|| * ||{___}|| / \
^^ ^^ ||-----|| / /
^^ ^^ ^ ^

Mathematical Television This cow does Disco
Cow Cow (That's what comes of
(developer of (Cow-thode snorting cow-caine)
cow-culus) Ray Tube)

o
| [---]
| |
| | |------========|
/----|---|\ | **** |=======|
/___/___\___\ o | **** |=======|
| | ___| |==============|
| | ___ {(__)} |==============|
\-----------/ []( )={(oo)} |==============|
\ \ / / /---===--{ \/ } |
----------------- / | NASA |==== |
| | * ||------||-----^
----------------- || | |
/ / \ \ ^^ ^ |
/ ---- \
^^ ^^ This cow jumped over the Moon

(__)
([][]) "I have this recurring dream
__\/_--U about golden arches.".. (__)
/\ \__ ^ :..("")
/\\\ / / //\ ____\_____\/ //
/----^/__/\ /\ // \\/ \___ / //
\\\____/--\-- // /-/__________/ //
/====== \/ =======/==============//
*_/ / \ /^ // / \\
/ \ ^ // \\

Psycowlogist and patient

(___)
\^^^^^^^^\ (__) (o o)
\^^^^^^^^\\ (oo) \ /
*-----\_______\/\/ \--O--/
^_______/ --- \______^ // -----\
^--------\ \S/ /\_____^ \\/_^{} /==V===[]
\______/ \_____\\//
\__/
It's a bird... //\\ The Boss
It's a plane... // \\ (Bruce Holstien)
// //
^^ ^^

==================
_____________________________ H H
| |-------------| H (__) H
| | ________ | H (oo) H __
| COWNTY | | (|__|) | | H / \/ \ H / \
| JAIL | | |oo| | | H | | | | H | STOP |
| | |__|\/|__| | H D===b=----- H \ __ /
| | o | H^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^H ||
| | ^ | H H ||
| | ] | H H ||
| | | H H ||
|_____________|_____________| H H ||
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^
Some cows get in trouble... Cattle Guard

( ( )
( ( ) )
( ( )
( / )
( ( \\ )
( | // )
| | (__)
| | (oo) (__)
| | ----\/ ______(oo)_____
| | || ( _)_______(__) )
**| | ---|| \ __________/
``'---------^^
Cow Hide Cow Pie

\ | / ___________
____________ \ \_# / | ___ | _________
| | \ #/ | | | | | = = = = |
| | | | | \\# | |`v'| | | |
| | \# // | --- ___ | | | || | |
| | | | | #_// | | | | | |
| | \\ #_/_______ | | | | | | || | |
| | | | | \\# /_____/ \ | --- | | |
| | \# |+ ++| | | |^^^^^^| | | | || | |
| | \# |+ ++| | | |^^^^^^| | | | || | |
^^^| (^^^^^) |^^^^^#^| H |_ |^| | |||| | |^^^^^^| |
| ( ||| ) | # ^^^^^^ | | |||| | | | ||||||| |
^^^^^^^^^^^^^________/ /_____ | | |||| | | | ||||||| |
`v'- ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ | ||||||| |
|| |`. (__) (__) ( )
(oo) (oo) /---V
/-------\/ \/ --------\ * | |
/ | || ||_______| \
* ||W---|| || || *
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^

"Cow Town"

\ (__) (__)
\\(oo) (\/)
/-----\\\/ /-------\/
/ | (##) / | ||
* ||----||" * ||----||
^^ ^^ ~~ ~~
This cow plays bagpipes. Cow from Beijing

(__) (__) (__)
(\/) ($) (**)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | 666 || / |=====|| / | ||

||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||

^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^

Satanic cow This cow is a Yuppie Cow in love

(__) (__)
(oo) (oo)
/-'''''-\/ /-------------------\/
/ |'''''|| / | ||

||''''|| * ||----------------||

^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow in Argyle Stretch Cow
*
** **
* ** * * * **
* / / \ * *
\ \ / \ / / (__)
* / / \ \ (__) \ \ /--------(00)
/ (00) / / / | |( )
\ /-------\/ \ \ * ||---- ||()
/ / | || / / || ||
\ \ * ||----|| \ \ ^^ ^^
/ / ^^ ^^ / / Cow Chewing Marbles
Cow in Heat

(___)
(o o)
/------\ / (__) (__)
/ ____O (oo) (oo)
| / /----\----\/ /-------\/
/\oo===| / || / | ||
| || *||^-----|| * OO----OO
* ^^ ^^ ^^
Cowt in the Act low rider cow

(__) \__\ (__)
(oo) o (oo) (oo)
/-------\/ ____\___\/ *+-------\/
/ | || / | || ||______||

||----|| * ||----|| ||----||

OO OO OO OO OO OO
Detroit cow Mustang cow pickup cow

(__) (__) \_||_~
(oo) (oo) (*||*)
/---------------\/ /----\/ /-------\||/
/ | || / || / | ||

||------------|| *-||----|| * ||----||

OO OO OO OO OO }{
li-moo-cow fastback cow teenager's cow

____
(____)
.xxxx.
(__) '(oo)`
(oo) /-----'-\/ `
/-------\/ / | |============>
/ | || * ||----| (~)

||----|| ~~ ~

~~ ~~ ?Moo-amma? Cowdafi
holy cow armed and dangerous

(___) (___)
(o o) (o o)
/-------\ / /-------\ /
/ | ||O / | O~ ||O

||,---|| * ||,---||

^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
A Bull A-bomb-in-a-bull No-bull

(---)
( )
/-----\ (___)
| | (o o)
| | | (-----) \ /
| | | / / \ O
| * | * | O |
^^ ^^ -----
Coward Phone Bull

__________________________
}__{ / Send YOUR cow pictures to \
(00) ( ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU )
:****** \/ ==='\___________________________/'
: # ##
##****##
"" ""

| | | | *
| | (__) | | \ (__)
| | (oo) | | \ (oo)
| | /-------\/ | | -----------\/--
| | / | || | | ----| |---
| | * ||----|| | | --------
| \______^^____^^___ | \_________________
| _________________ | _________________
| / | /
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
/ \ / \

Cow perched on a tree. Cow attempting to fly off tree.

| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| \_________________
| _________________
| /
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| | (__)
| | *---------(..)
/ \ ^^----^^\/

Cow that has failed miserably in the attempt.

. /\ . . : (__)
. / \ . . : (xx)
/ \ . . * : __------\/
/ \ * : * ||____||
| (__) | . . ** : / | |\
. /| (oo) |\ ** :
/ | /\/\ | \ . . * : Hamburger
. / |=|==|=| \ . * :
. / | | | | \ . :
/ USA | ^||^ |NASA \ . : * (__)
|______| ^^ |______| . : \ (oo)
. (__||__) . . : \-------\/
. /_\ /_\ . . . : 8-| ||
!!! !!! : ||----||
: ^^ ^^
The cow that jumped over the moon. : Flying Cow

...---...
../ / | \ \..
./ / / | \ \ \.
/ / / | \ \ \
/ / / | \ \ \
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /(__)
\|/ (oo)
/---++--\/
/ | || ||
* ||-++-||
^^ ^^

Cow surviving attack by Red Baron

..---.. (__)
/ \ (oo)
| RIP | /-------\/
| | / | ||
| | * ||----||
| | ^^ ^^
| |
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////

Elvis's Cow... ...Or is it alive and living in tax exile???

(__)
(oo)
/---+ +--\/
/ | | | ||
* ||-+ +-||
^^ ^^ *

David Copperfield's Cow David Copperfield's other Cow

(__)
(oo)
/-------\/
/ | ||
* ||----||
^^ ^^
(__) (__)
(oo) (oo)
/-------\/ \/-------\
/ | || -^^- || | \
* ||---- -^^- || *
^^ ^^
(__) (__)
(oo) (oo)
/-------\/ \/-------\
/ | || || | \
* ||----|| ||----|| *
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Barnum's Troupe of performing cows

(__) _--------_
(oo) |__________| BIG
/-------\/ XXXXXXXXXX MAC
/ | 007 || __________
* ||----|| |_ _|
^^ ^^ --------
Cow licenced to kill Enemy Cow after having met previous cow

(__)
(oo)
/'^^^-m
(__) / '' ` )
(oo) o /| /|/|_ | /|
/ \/ / / _ / | | | |
/ _\===^ ___\_____/___ |_____|_|
___|__/ |/\ (___________(_) //|| ||
* ^ ^ * ww ww

Mrs. O'Leary's Cow Cow'nt Dracula

____ ____ |+++++|
|++++| ___ |++++| ____ |+++++|
|++++| |++ ______________________ |++++| |+++++|
|++++| |++/ /( )\ \ |++++| |+++++| __
| | |+| |-oo- | \______ |++++| |+++++| |++|
o ( oo /_______________________| (oo) \ | __
| _/\_| | M O O - B U S T E R S|__\/\ /| | /oo| - Bleaurgh!
|-| \\____ ------ )_ /| /\
-|_ \_|-_|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 0 _| * \/ *
\ | __________________________________/
| W| \ \_/ /----------------- \ \_/ /
/ /\ \ \___/ \___/
/ / \ \
^^^ ^^^ Who you gonna call...?

(__) (__) (__) (----------)
(00) (-o) (--) . . . ( *>YAWN<* )
/------\/ /------\/ /------\/ (----------)
/| || /| || /| ||

||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||

Cow w/ Glasses Flirtatious cow (winking) Cow after pulling an all-nighter

(__) (__) (__) (__)

\ (oo) (oo) (oo) (oo)
\-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/| |\ / / \ / \ / / \ \
//||----||\\ * //------\\ * \\--// * \\----\\
^ ^^ ^^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
Cow walking Cow jogging Same cow Cow breaking

(__)
(oo) (__) o * (__)
\/ (oo)/ " | (oo)
____| \____ /-------\/(__ o=o=o=|------\/
---/ --** / | / | |
*____/ |___// * ||----|| ||----||
//--------/ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
//__ Cow Cow pooing
Cow marching standing

Side Front Side back (___) Where's all the bulls!
(__) (__) (__) (__) (O O)/
( oo (oo) oo ) ( ) ^ _/\ /\_ ^
/\_| /\/\ |_/\ / \ \\/ O \//

(___)
( OO
\_ | - Got some cows that aren't in here? Add yours to the official
\O collection! Send them to: ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU

(___)
( --
\_ | - G'nite, and thank you for your support. Zzz z z z z z z z
\O

Thanks to EVERYONE who contributed COWS!

PLEASE DISTRIBUTE THIS FILE WIDELY -- IT IS *NOT* COPYRIGHTED.
(Besides, this is a classic that NO ONE should miss!)

- ERIC -

(__) Eric W. Tilenius
(oo)
/-------\/ President, Princeton Planetary Society
/ | ||

||----|| 609-734-7677 // ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
CONSTRUCTION PROJECT:
ATOMIC BOMB

THE FOLLOWING PAPER IS TAKEN FROM THE JOURNAL OF IRREPRODUCIBLE RESULTS,
VOLUME25/NUMBER 4/1979.
P.O. BOX 234
CHICAGO HEIGHTS, ILLINOIS 60411.

SUBSCRIPTION'S ARE 1 YEAR FOR $3.70

1. INTRODUCTION

Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court
decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines
from printing articles which describe how to make an atomic bomb. The
reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be
compromised if such info were generally available. But, since it is
commonly known that all of the information is publicly available in most
major metropolitan libraries, obviously the court's officially stated
position is covering up a more important factor; namely, that such
atomic devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to
construct. The United States courts cannot afford to insult the vast
majorities by insinuating that they do not have the intelligence of a
cabbage, and thus the "official" press releases claim national security
as a blanket restriction.

The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of widespread
misinformation can (and must) be cleared up now, for the construction
project this month is the construction of a thermonuclear device, which
will hopefully clear up any misconceptions you might have about such a
project. We will see how easy it is to make a device of your very own in
ten easy steps, to have and hold as you see fit, without annoying
interference from the government or the courts. The project will cost
between $5,000 and $30,000, depending on how fancy you want the final
product to be.

2. CONSTRUCTION METHOD

1. First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade plutonium at
your local supplier (see note 1). a nuclear power plant is not
recommended, as large quantities of missing plutonium tends to make
plant engineers unhappy. We suggest that you contact your local
terrorist organization, or perhaps the junior achievement in your
neighborhood.

2. Please remember that plutonium, especially pure, refined plutonium,
is somewhat dangerous. Wash your hands with soap and warm water
after handling the material, and don't allow your children or pets
to play in it or eat it. Any left over plutonium dust is excellent
as an insect repellant. You may wish to keep the substance in a lead
box if you can find one in your local junk yard, but an old coffee
can will do nicely.

3. Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most common
varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as,
for example, a briefcase, a lunch pail, or a buick. Do not use
tinfoil.

4. arrange the plutonium into two hemispheral shapes, separated by about
4 cm. Use rubber cement to hold the plutonium dust together.
Gelignite is much better, but messier to work with. Your helpful
hardware man will be happy to provide you with this item.

6. Pack the tnt around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4.
if you cannot find gelignite, feel free to use tnt packed in with
play-do or any modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, but there
is no need to get fancy at this point.

7. Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step 3.
Use a strong glue such as "crazy glue" to bind the hemisphere
arrangement against the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation
which might result from vibration or mishandling.

8. To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (rc) servo
mechanism, as found in rc model airplanes and cars. With a minimum
of effort, a remote plunger can be made that will strike a detonator
cap to effect a small explosion. These detonator caps can.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Instructor's guide to Murphy's Law.

1. Good students move away.
2. New students come from schools that do not teach anything.
3. The teachers' lounge will be in the worst room of the school. It will
contain dusty furniture and one noisy mimeograph machine.
4. The shorter the working time, the more the mimeograph will
malfunction.
5. The clock in the instructor's room will be wrong.
6. The school board will make a better pay offer before the teacher's
union negotiates.
7. When the instructor is late, he will meet the principal in the hall.
If the instructor is late and does not meet the principal, the
instructor is late to the faculty meeting.
8. Children who touch the instructor will have scabies or bubonic
plague.
9. When speaking to the school psychologist, the teacher willsay :
weirdo" rather than " emotionally disturbed."
10. Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room.
11. The time a teacher takes in explaining is inversely proportional to
the information retained by students.
12. Students who are blind, deaf and/or behavioral problems will sit in
the back of the room.
13. Extra-duty nights will occur when the best shows are on TV.
14. The problem child will be a school board member's son.
15. The instructor's study hall be the largest in several years.
16. The administration will veiw the study hall as the teacher's
preparation time.
17. Students who are doing better are credited with working harder. If
children start to do poorly, the teacher will be blamed.
18. extracurricular duties will take more preparation tive than classes. 19. A meeting's length will be directly proportional to the boredom the
speaker produces
20. Clocks will run more quickly during free time.
21. On a test day, at least 15% of the class will be absent
22. If the instructor teaches art, the principal will be an ex-coach and
will dislike art. If the instructor is a coach, the principal will
be an ex-coach who took a winning team to the state.
23. A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students.
24. Murphy's Law ill go into effect at the beginning of an evaluation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Skier's Dictionary

ALP- One of a number of places to ski in Europe. Also a shouted request
for assistance made by a European skier. An appropriate reply:
"What's Zermatter?"

AVALANCHE- One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly
frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: BLIZZARD,
CONTUSION,FRACTURE, FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMIA, LIFT COLLAPSE.

BINDINGS- Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially
serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending
the skis skittering across the slope where they trip over two other
skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be
protected from serious injury.

BONES- Brittle things of which there are 206 in the human body. No need
for dismay however: There are two bones in the middle ear that have
never been broken in a ski accident.

CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING- Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain
snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require
the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lineups.
It isn't skiing. See CROSS-COUNTRY SOMETHING-OR-OTHER.

CROSS-COUNTRY SOMETHING-OR-OTHER: Touring on skis along trails in scenic
wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of
the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis
slipping through the snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys
dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift.

EXERCISES- A few simple warm-ups to make sure you've been protected for
the slopes:
1.- Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts, and climb a
flight of stairs.
2.- Sit on the outside of a second-storey window ledge with your
skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes.
3.- Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor;
then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

GLOVES- Hand coverings designed to be tight enough around the wrist to
restrict circulation, but not so close-fitting as to allow any
manual dexterity. They should admit moisture from the outside
without permitting any dampness within to escape.

GRAVITY- One of 5 fundamental forces in nature affecting skiiers. The
other four are the strong force which makes bindings jam; the weak
force which makes ankles give way on turns; electromagnetism, which
produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots; and
the last one; that when an irresistable force meets an immovable
object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

PREJUMP- Manoevre in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just
ahead of a bump. Beginners may execute a controlled pre-fall just
before losing their balance and. if they wish, can precede it with a
prescream and a few pregroans and preobcenities.

SHIN- That bruised area on the front of the leg running from the point
where the ache from the wretched knee ends to that where the searing
pain from the strained ankle begins.

SKI!- A shout made to alert people that a loose ski is coming down the
hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!"
which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

SKIER- One who pays an arm and a leg for the chance to break them.

SKIS- A pair of long, thin, flexible runners that permit a skier to slide
across the snow and into debt.

THOR- Thandinavian god of acheth and painth.

TRAVERSE- To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
methods of reducing speed.

TREE- The other method.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not long ago I spent the day sick in bed. While watching a couple of
these shows I came up with this. My co-worker Mr. Spencer and I would
have spent a whole day adding to these lists. But we figure you people
can come up with other suggestions. Feel free to add on to this.

THE TALK SHOW GENERATOR
designed by Jose E. Montes 1993
with additional help from Jeff Spencer

Men >---who---> marry >---their---> significant other
Women cheat significant others
Priests sleep with someone else
Kids eat school officials
Co-workers live with lawyers
Lawyers cross dress sponge divers
Doctors murder Amway salesmen
Families divorce exotic dancers
Chia Pets marinade sushi-makers
Liberals worship sisters
Foreigners body paint obscure Mongolian
Rock stars reserve hotel rooms with cave-dwelling
Congressmen pimp for rodents
Scoutmasters color coordinate Fabio
Supreme court nominees fantasize about secretary
feel up father
lambada with mother
line dance with groups of Wyoming
cattle-herders
| Barney |
| |
|---------------------------------------------------------------------|
|
|
|
|----> on the next >------>Donahue.
Geraldo.
Sally Rafael.
Vicky.
Montel Williams.
Sonja Live.
Oprah
Hard Copy
Current Affair
Bill Clinton press conference.
Barney.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------