💾 Archived View for spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › COMPUTER › l.t.modem.geek captured on 2023-07-10 at 19:11:48.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-
- -
- Anarchy Inc. Presents... (although knowing nothing about) -
- -
- "THE LIFE AND TIMES OF THE MODEM GEEK" -
- -
- by: -
- A Modem User -
- -
-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-
Welcome to the not long-awaited, not talked-about, not seen-on-TV Anarchy
text file. You must note at this time (if you haven't already, then you are
RETARDED) that this file is processed for 80 columns (Lord only knows how I
managed it, since I'm a lowly 40-column'er.) But enough drivel. On with the
text-file...
(taken from Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary)
com-put-er \kum-'pyut-ur\ n, -often attrib- (1646) : one that computes;
-specif-: a programmable electronic device that can store, retrieve, and
process data -- COM-PUT-ER-LIKE \-lik\ adj
geek \'ge\ n [prob. fr. E dial. -geek, geck- fool, fr. LG -geck-, fr.
MLG] (ca. 1942): a carnival performer often billed as a wild man whose
act usu. includes biting the head off a live chicken or snake
From these dictionary entries, one would assume that a "computer geek" is
an electronic circus performer that does terrible things with animal heads.
However, today's society has rapidly changed the meaning of these words for
their convenience. Many of you have probably heard/been called/called some-
one a "COMPUTER GEEK," so I will not go into details about this subject, as
I have no idea where the name came from. It will be taken for granted that
we all recognize and pretty much know whhat the definition of a "computer
geek" is. Also note that the term "computer geek" (It's getting a bit repi-
titious, so let's just call them "geeks") has nothing to do with a computer
wimp. The computer wimp is somebody anxious to get his first computer, etc.
yet doesn't know what he's doing. A geek is one that has already gotten his
first computer, and knows EVERYTHING there is to know about programming and
what have you. Also note that the not-so-often-heard term "computer bum" is
something entirely different (i.e. a computer bum is one that uses his com-
puter for term papers, games, and to let out frustration physically on...).
The geek (as you recall, we now call our little friends simply geeks, for
easy reference and less strain on the boredom factor) always has a few nas-
ty habits. Here is a short, compiled list of the geek's habits:
WHAT THE COMPUTER GEEK TENDS TO DO
----------------------------------
1) Races another of his kind to the computer room just as lunch hits.
2) Carries all printouts, disks, and programming books in his backpack.
3) Carries almost everything else he owns in his backpack. Geeks do not use
their lockers at school, or their desks at work, for storage.
4) Uses his computer until as late as he can get (i.e. until "mommie" tells
her precious darling it's nighty-night time, or if he has to study for next
month's calculus test).
5) When called a "computer geek," informs the insulter that at least he has
a future ahead of him, while the offender will get in trouble and spend the
rest of his life rotting in a jail cell. Who cares if he's Class President?
This is just a short list (excluding, of course, all the stereotypes of the
average geek) of what our friends do so far. Anybody offended? Well, I hope
so. It's about time you were!
ROMANCE AND THE COMPUTER GEEK
This will be short, as geeks see girls as "cootie-spreaders" and that all
they will want is S-E-X. However, as the geek reaches the point in his life
where he needs somebody of the opposite sex, he will do with about any girl
that can't beat him up. (This excludes many females, where only the bottom
of the barrel remains.) Told you this would be short!
MODEM GEEKS
I won't go into detail about the modem geeks, since there are quite a bit
of text-files around that cover them. Let me just go over a few of the fav-
orite expressions of this special division of computer geeks (note: this is
no evidence that all computer geeks are modem geeks, or vice-versa. Hardly
any computer geeks own modems, as they have trouble communicating with any-
body, anywhere.)
FAVORITE EXPRESSIONS OF THE MODEM GEEK
1) "Hi. My name is [GEEK'S PSEUDONAME, IF ANY] and I would appreciate it if
all of you would send me E-mail and be my friend."
2) <No reply to last request> "Hey pleeeeease send me some E-mail! I'm real
lonely, but I'm real cool, too! Leave me mail and we'll be best pals!!!1"
3) <Only reply is a "WHAT A TURD BRAIN"> "Okay you meanies you got me real
mad! I'll kick any of your a**es anytime!" <Must censor, being as how "mom-
mie" is standing over his shoulder>
4) <Upon somebody accepting the challenge> "Well, I live three states away,
so I can't beat you up. Too bad, but leave me alone you MEEEEANIE!!!!!1"
...So much for the modem geek. Our next section has to do with the "fun"
things of the geek. Note: I am =NOT= referring to the good points of being
a computer geek, as there are no good points. No, I'm talking about the fun
things that geeks do (Or, in short-vice-versa-whatever, what computer geeks
like to do for fun)...Here we go:
THINGS COMPUTER GEEKS DO TO GET THEIR JOLLIES
1) Play "Traveller" -- by the book, and no other way.
2) Read OMNI magazines... And nothing =BUT= OMNI magazines (other than 2 or
3 dozen computer magazines)
3) Help their teachers clean blackboards (While in an occasional "nasty"
mood, they may jeer at their "Absolutely ignorant" computer V teachers with
PhD's in electronics, if and when they make a "costly mistake" in class).
4) Go to the arcade and splurge their hard-earned quarters that they manage
to hide away from the neighborhood bully, who always steals their shoes and
unzips their backpacks when they aren't looking.
5) Occasionally (but only occasionally) they just might go to the mall down
the street <But only if that mall has the "Information Please" store, which
has all of those "keen" spreadsheet programs for their PET computers>
At the rate we're going, I could go on forever with all of these fun lit-
tle tidbits of slander, but I won't, for the primary reason of not hurting
any of our little friends' feelings (If they cry over their keyboards, they
might get a short-circuit in the ZX388059 chip, found just behind the CC013
primary CCU in the motherboard)... Or whatever.
THE END
(Betcha never saw one of those in a text-file before! HA!)