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(This file and all humorous content are (C) and (P) 1993 RageBoy
Publications, a subdivision of Blue Camaro Records/Press.)
One night, at a somewhat socialite party (I have since quit attending
trendy parties), I was talking to a very attractive girl. I began talking
about my friend Will, who had died in a car accident in 1985, and then we
began discussing drunk-driving accidents in general. Soon, as I became
more and more animated and involved, she walked away. At first, I wondered
why. But then I realized: I had become BORING.
But I overcame this malaise which had so suddenly stricken me, and if you
are boring, THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU, TOO!
HOW NOT TO BE BORING
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1) Don't use statistics or facts. In conversation, the goal is to make
a point, not to sound like a World Almanac. Examples: Don't say
things like "2.5% of all wife beaters are hired by the Mafia" or "In
India, homosexuals are gutted and their skins are used for doormats."
One of the main reasons you should not say those things is because
they are not true.
2) Don't be crude or gross. If you are telling someone about the best
lay you've ever had, don't say, "This chick was riding me like
Secretariat's jockey and she was doing things that gave me the most
sphincter-clenching orgasm I've ever had." Instead, simply say "Let
me just say that that time in the back room of the toy store was the
best, most memorable bout of intercourse I have ever experienced."
3) Don't over-emphasize. If you're a big fan of the Minutemen, for
instance, never assume that your conversational companion is, as well.
Therefore, do not refer to every song the band has ever done as
though both of you have heard it.
4) Do not use exaggerated motions. People who flail their arms around
hysterically, trying to make a point, usually lose their audience
within a few minutes of beginning said motions. Also, do not say,
really loudly, "OH, MY GOD!" or some other such exclamation, and
launch into a spiel about something really moronic, such as Billy
Ray Cyrus. The loud exclamation can really turn people off and
cause them to walk away from you, bewildered and pissed.
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Those were but the first steps to not being boring, but they're more than
enough to get you started on the path back to "interestingness." As you
evolve back to your original level of good conversational taste, you will
discover other tips that will work for you. Feel free to share them with
other recovering and current bores.
Meanwhile, good luck!
- Jim Douglas