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By: <==-007-==>
The first in a series of "Fun"
philes....Next: Sibling Fun....
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Now, on with this damn phile, eh?
As some of you might have already guessed, this phile will
tell you all about how to have loads of fun in any supermarket or
grocery store. There are many different things to do in a
supermarket that will provide entertainment as well as pissing
off people in general. First, though, you should get some
friends to increase the entertainment value of the whole excursi-
on, as well as to provide even more destruction.
I've found that you can get away with a lot of things
(playing chase throughout the aisles, playing soccer or football
with various perishables, etc.) and no one will say anything. If
anyone does say anything, do the kindly anarchist thing and tell
them to fuck off.
Ok. One very fun thing to do is fuck with the shopping
carts themselves. You can fill up many carts and then strew them
all around the store, for example. I'm sure that almost every
employee just loves to spend their time ridding the store of the
bogus carts you created. Or maybe you would rather gather ten or
so carts and then make barriers in aisles when no one is look-
ing. Wouldn't you like to hear "Um...Frank..someone seems to
have made a collection of carts in aisle four, so could you clean
it up please, thank you..." announced over the loudspeaker system
of your nearest Giant or Safeway? Or you can have your very own
shopping cart drag races in the frozen food section. Perhaps
you're one of the more destructive types. If you are, then
"bumper carts" is just for you. Just smash the carts into one
another and relive those magic childhood moments at the carnival.
One VERY funny stunt that produces great results is fucking with
other people's carts. Just go around throwing things into carts
when the owner is not looking. "Wait a minute..where the hell
did this damn watermellon come from?! I hate watermellons."
Doing that can greatly confuse a person, so go ahead, make
someone think they're goin' crazy!
Another fun thing to do at a grocery store is, of course,
playing with the food. See how many times you and a friend can
throw toilet paper over aisle eight without hitting anyone. You
can always go for 'distance' by throwing fruits or vegetables
over as many aisles as possible. Or perhaps you would rather
test your bowling skills. Just stack up anything handy (paper
towles, cans, plastic soda bottles, etc.) and roll any sphere
like object at it (melons, or perhaps a can of Kool Aid?) You
could always play a quick game of basketball. Just set up an
empty cart and find something that bounces (or doesn't), then go
for those three point shots. In fact, almost every major sport
(except water pollo, but that's not a major sport, now is
it?) can be played with ease at your closest supermakert or
grocery store.
Pissing off the employees is also entertaining. I'm sure
you can think of many ways to do this, but try the following.
Trying to buy alcohol if you're under age (insist that you
aren't!), shouting obscenities, eating 'bulk' food right out of
the container, dropping (accidently of course!) a few glass
bottles, going down to where the employees eat and just sit at
the table, and also try to buy nine packs of gum in the '8 items
or less' lane. You could also try loitering, just sit at the
magazine rack and catch up on your reading. Another fun thing to
do is to keep bugging an employee hard at work. I'm sure an
employee would appreciate it if you dragged him from his task
just so you could buy one red hot from the bulk food section.
Yet another entertaining thing to do is cause the store to
lose customers. The easiest way to do this is to just buy
something so you and a friend can get in line. Then look at what
the person ahead of you is getting and tell you friend that
"whatever the next person has" was laced with poison or something
to that effect.
Oh, here's yet another entertaining thing to do. Go outside
the store and look for carts that are full and just sitting there
with no on by them (the owner has gone to get his/her car).
When you have found such a cart, take some bags or better yet,
take the whole cart. Now you have a weeks worth of free grocer-
ies. So get some friends together and have a party (what else
would you do with six bags of food?) If the owner suddenly
appears while you are "buying" your groceries, just push the cart
as hard as you can at him/her and take off. If you are lucky
enough two find two of these carts, then you can have some real
fun. Just start taking things out of one cart and chuck it in
the other, better yet, just exchange bags! Then sit back and
watch the confussion. Although the people probably won't notice
the difference until they get home and unpack. Don't you wish
you could see their reaction?! Oh, you could also just take
someones cart and move it down a bit...that way you could see
their reaction and that would of course increase your enjoyment.
A vast amount of fun can be had in the frozen food section.
Just take some frozen products or ice cream and put them in one
of those desrted isles so they can thaw out. After that, cruise
over to where ever the food coloring is kept and snag some. Then
go back to frozen foods and find some nice ice cream. Now just
open up ice cream containers and put about thirty drops of red
(or whatever color) food coloring in 'em. Wouldn't YOU be
surprised if you opened up a half gallon of vanilla ice cream
at home and found red swirls and patches in it??
Do you want to get people in trouble? Then you can have
lots of fun screwing with the prices of things. You can take
some steaks and throw 'em into the "reduced food section". Most
people are stupid and would jump at the chance to get a turkey
for a few bucks. Or, you could just take a large marker into the
store with you and write "5 cents" on everything you see. Write
it on donut boxes, cereal boxes, soda bottles, or anything you
see.
My last topic is everyone's favorite, taking what is not
rightfully yours (shoplifting, dumbass) It's surprisingly simple
to lift things from grocery stores. I'm not going to give you a
shoplifting tutorial here though, if you need to read a phile to
learn how to lift, you're an idiot. Also, you can eat things
right in the store if you want. Just take your snack to a
deserted aisle and then satisfy your stomach. Of course, the
only thing you could steal from Giant is food (or those cheap
plastic toys aften found in grocery stores, but why would you
want those?), and since a box of cereal is a bit to obvious under
one's shirt, I suggest candy. But go ahead and take what you
want, I couldn't give a shit.
Well, I was wrong, I have one more thing I want to tell you
about (gee I'm tricky...) Ok, have you ever seen those swinging
double-doors in the back near the meat?? These doors can lead
you to loads of fun. Back there they store all their excess
until they have room for it. So you can go back there and fuck
around like crazy (if anyone asks you what the hell you're doing
back there, just say you're going to the bathroom, the bathrooms
are ALWAYS back there somewhere), doing whatever the hell you
want. Try rearranging anything you may find back there. Go
ahead, screw up their inventory!
Well, I hope you have all learned something from this
tutorial on how to fuck with your grocery store. Oh, and I
>>>am<<< responsible for whatever actions you may take as a
result of reading this phile. When you get in trouble, just go
ahead and say 007 told you to do it. Of course, if you're good
you never get in trouble (or even worry about getting in trouble)
As you can see, I just really don't give a shit! Look for my
next phile, Sibling Fun. This phile will tell you how to abuse
and fuck with your younger brother or sister just for the hell of
it or to gain profit. Oh yeah, don't forget to watch Late Night
With David Letterman this summer...(hell, I watch it during
school time) Until then..................
<==-007-==>
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