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From davet@hrc63.co.uk Fri Jun 2 12:05:52 1989
From: davet@hrc63.co.uk (Dave Thorpe)
Subject: Nigel the Hedgehog chapter three (very long)
Authors: Part I >
Part II >
Gary > Chris > Sophy > Dave > kelly > sophy > aktar > pete
> Gary > Chris > Kelvin > davet > gary > aktar
The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter III
Nigel hated dry roasted pea-nuts and he knew that Ronny knew that he
detested them and hence they acted as a clever disguise. The cunning
disguise had worked rather well up to now ( which is quite surprising
when you consider that Nigel was the only creature in the whole place
that didn't resemble a sheep ). But then, their two gazes met. They both
froze instantaneously. Ronny bolted upright and raced toward Nigel ...
Nigel knew what to do. He dodged and weaved, jumped and diving, spinning and
moving with that athletic grace mentioned earlier. By this time, Ronny ( or was
that Ronnie ? ) had nearly reached Nigel, but he pulled to a stop, hypnotised
by Nigel's breakdancing.
With great ferocity, Nigel took advantage of his enemy's momentary lapse
and lunged towards him and started chewing his ankles. But this of course
was a great mistake since Ronnie had very sensitive ankles, and a fetish
about ankle chewing.
Nigel, unaware of his suggestive actions, thought he was tackling an arch
enemy with ferocious force. His skill at maming people and animals was
second to none,he thought, and Ronn{y | ie} would be down on his knees sooner
or later.
His actions were sustained for another couple of minutes when Nigel began to
get a little nervous. He looked up to face Ronny and noticed the grin of
escatsy. Ronny lost his fit of jealosy and had forgotten his death wish.
Nigel was the one he loved, and he now had him, chewing his ankles!
OOOhhhh...love!
Now, as has already been pointed out Nigel no longer likes Ronnae and was
somewhat taken aback by Ron's reaction. To avoid further sexual entanglement
Nigel had to think of something quick! "Look! Up There!", pointed Nigel and
Ronye immediately shot his glance skywards. Nigel detatched himself from
Runny's ankles and made for the door, pausing only to pick up his dry
roasted peanuts. Ronn noticed this and chased after our intreped hero with
fury (and dissapointment) in his veins....
As Nigel raced out on to the road, he was in such a hurry he forgot about
his other arch enemies, the lorry drivers. He ran over the road with so
much as glancing left or right. But of course, our hero could not die such
a miserable death. He just managed to roll to safety as a juggernaut
thundered past him. Ron however was not so fortunate. Once the lorry
had past, Nigel could see what looked like a very bloody sheep skin rug
lying on the road.
Our hedgehog hero was STUNNED!! Prickley as he may have been he was very
sensitive (corny or what) and he dived over to Ronnie (or Ronny or Ronn or
Ronn ) with as much athletic grace as he could muster to console his
ex in his last moments on this precious Earth. There was nothing Nige could
do. Nige slapped Ronnie-poos on his back and carried him over to the
hard shoulder where he laid him to rest in a most gracious manner - if that is
possible with a bloody, rug-like, dead sheep. Nige took off his ruck-sack
and pulled out a battery operated pneumatic drill. "A roadside grave
would have been exactly what Ronnie would have wanted", he reflected solemnly.
All of a sudden the pub door was flung open and another sheep came rushing
only out to see Ronnie apparently being mutilated by a 8 inch tall hedgehog
with a pneumatic drill. This sheep saw RED!! ( not only because of all the
blood ). This sheep's name was Bonnie. This sheep was Ronnie's twin brother!!!
Well! Bonnea leapt towards Nigel in a staggering flying tackle
(staggering because he was rat-faced having just come out of the pub. Nige
did not, however, notice this as his eyes were misted with tears and his ears
were full of the sound of someone drilling up the road. Bonn landed next
to Nige, tripped and, because of the momentum from leaping over the
road, slid in front of Nige. Drrrrrrrrr-squelch-Drrrrrrrr-splat-Drrrrrrr-
suelch-Drrrrrrrrr. Nigel stopped drilling for a moment and put what he
thought was part of Ronnies body back with the rest of it. He wondered why
Ronnies body had slipped over under the drill, not that it made much difference
as he was in a pretty bad state anyway. After the hole was dug Nige put
both bodies in the grave (wondering why Ronne seemed to have eight legs)
and started to say last rights. Unfortuneately this whole episode had been
watched in horror and dismay at the openess of such butchery against sheep
by the whole population of the pub through the window. A massive hoard of
furious sheep steamed out of the door, brandishing branding irons, hot
>from the fire and charged at Nige. Now, as has been said before Nigel has
super powers, one of which is ESP, and it now told him that these sheep
maent him no good. He paused wondering what to do as five hundred angry sheep
tore towards him (two hundred died crossing the exceptionaly busy road) and
he ...........
The noise of the heavy thuds loudened as the sheep approached, Nigel had
to think fast if he was to get out of this one. Hold on, he thought, he
was no ordinary hedgehog ... he had the invisiblity ability, no that was
too easy ... how could he use one of his many super-hedgehog abilities
and at the same time keep the plot resonably interesting, then it came
to him, Chris was the fantasy wizz-kid, pass the plot onto ...
To confuse them, Nigel ran away. Then, he turned, running at full pelt towards
them. He curled himself into a ball ( Like all hedgehogs in times of trouble )
and rolled between the legs of his attackers. He rolled over the road (
narrowly missed by another jugganought ) and into the pub. He had seen a sword
earlier, hung on the pub wall as decoration, but it was too high to grasp. He
ran up the stairs to the balcony, jumped off it, caught the chandelier, and
swung over to the sword. He took it, and dropped down just in time to confront
the first sheep. Fencing, sword verses branding iron Nigel fought them back,
but the press of bodies was too great ( three hundred sheep is a lot ( my, that
road is busy ! ) ), and he was driven back. Now he faced six opponents at once,
but he bravely struck again and again. Up the stairs he fenced, until he
reached the top. Then he ran to the nearest door ( The one whose keyhole he had
used extensively earlier ), with his pursuers close behind. While the attackers
stared, stunned at the sights he had earlier admired, Nigel ran to the window
and, saying a quick prayer, jumped through ...
And fell a considerable distance into the sunroof of his hog-mobile
which he had earlier conveniently secreted in a nearby hedge. "Hurrah!", he
cried, cruising down the road, the memory of his past relationships already
dimming quickly. At the same time, Barry was just clambering out of the
crater that had opened up in the road before him. For a moment Nigel played
with the idea of taking advantage of the ironic switch in their situations
and flattening Barry into the road, but this seemed inconsistent with his
role as a superhedgehog. Instead, he decided to stop and offer his erstwhile
attacker a lift. But Barry did not want a lift, he wanted to tell someone
about his adventures in the pseudo-crater, which was in fact the entrance to
a mysterious underground world ruled by Sainsburys carrier bags, [The 4p
versions with proper handles not the far inferior free type], where men
sat in goldfish bowls and walked around in circles gulping all day, and
hedgehogs lounged about in purple smoking jackets saying such things as:
"The soul is born old and grows young, that is life's comedy. The body is
born young and grows old, that is life's tragedy." He affectionately kicked
Nigel before him and together they entered the underworld.
The first corridor they entered was narrow and dark, followed by a second
which was even narrower and darker. The third was more narrow and more dark,
and the forth one was so narrow Barry had to lose a stone to get through
it, and Nigel had to switch on his 'Vison-o-gram' super-spectacles for
healthly vision.
A slimmer Barry and a stupid-looking hedgehog finally entered the pseudo-crater
and looked all around them in wonder. All over the cave, goldfish bowls with
humans in them, and Hedgehogs saying things like "The trouble with doing
something original is that no-one apriciates how hard it was to do" hung around
with little regard for Nigel or Barry.
SCREEN:[ wobble ... wobble ... wobble ] Barry rubbed his eyes, eventually
focussing on an amazing sight. Not a wierd underground cavern as he thought,
but a small prickly rodent driving a CAR ? Hold on what was stranger, a
world run by Sainsbury shopping bags or a hedgehog driving an automobile.
Barry really had hit his head badly ! Nigel continued driving, until he
spotted a sign for a motel [what country is this anyway ?]. He thought
this would be a good place to unwind from what most would call a busy night.
He booked one room and waited for the men in white coats to arrive ...
Alone again, Nigel rested ... It was a beautiful crisp (spring?) morning
and Nigel knew he had to continue on his goal.
-=*=-
Please send comments to: davet@uk.co.gec-rl-hrc
Thank you for your attention. Dave Thorpe.