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D A R K
Rewritten by The Quantum Mechanic
(author unknown)
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However,
recent information has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light,
they suck dark. Thus we call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker
theory proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier that that
of light, and that dark is faster than light.
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take
for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is much
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark
sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking
lot have a muck greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all
things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they
can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark
sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white
wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all of the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a
pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black
because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.
Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all
of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When
the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced
before the portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass
generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker.
Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel into a solid
wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of
heat, Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is
also heavier than light. If you swim just below the surface of a lake, you
see a lot of light. If you slowly swim deeper and deeper, you notice it
getting slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately
fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark
sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top.
The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We can
collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it
through turbines, which generates electricity and helps push the dark to
the ocean, where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much
more difficult to get the dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The
Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in
a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of dark, they paddled
slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark; but when they travelled
against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly, so as to help push the
dark along its way.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then
slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the
closet; but since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark
leave the closet.
In conclusion, I would like to say that dark suckers make all of our lives
much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb, remember that
it is indeed a dark sucker.