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 Spiritual Music Advice 'n' Stuff
   by Rev. Richard Visage
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  Amazing. Here we are emerging from the depths of February, and a
quick glance at the Billboard top twenty reveals that Mariah Carey's
Christmas album is still right up there on the charts. If you've
grown up on Nine Inch Nails, her name may not be familiar - she's
the one who takes pride in her umpteen-octave range, and substitutes
vocal gymnastic warbling for singing. The Curse of Christmas is that
parade of nasty albums specific to the occasion, and I must say that
1994 gave us the most horrific batch of Christmas albums that I can
recall.

  So, naturally, we just have to look for the worst. Mariah? Nope.
Kenny G? Nope. Whitney Houston? Nope. Without a doubt, the worst came
from: Kathy Lee Gifford.

  This is a totally talent-less woman, whose razor-thin vocals
are backed with the most disgustingly banal arrangements imaginable
-- Muzak is boundlessly more creative. While we thank the other
contestants for their genuinely awful contributions, it just doesn't
get worse than this.

  Hmm, what else can we find on the Billboard? Frank Sinatra,
Duets II. I thought he was dead, maybe it was all just wishful
thinking. Let's spin a CD, kids.


UNPLUGGED IN NEW YORK
Nirvana
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  I've just about had it with the 'unplugged' concept. Really now,
how many bands have missed the opportunity to try this out and
subject us to the results? Sure, it was fine the first couple of
times, but by the time we had to suffer through Eric Clapton's
abysmal unplugged album countless times, there was a certain urge
to tell MTV just where to put the plug.

  The other, and rather obvious, fact that clouds this album is
Kurt Cobain's suicide, and the resultant media frenzy. The internet
has absolutely howled with those who choose to make fun of his death
or those who have elevated him to godlike status, or suggested he
spoke for an entire generation.

  Brush away all of this sediment, and there's just the music. As
the leaders of the grunge pack, one wouldn't expect that Nirvana
would work well unplugged, given their normal volume level.

  In fact, the results are surprising and powerful. One comes
away from listening to this album convinced that Nirvana, and grunge,
were a convenient medium for Kurt Cobain to express his genius. It
also rather nakedly reveals Cobain's extremely disturbed nature.

  Nirvana fans will find some of the group's standards on the
album -- 'Dumb', 'Polly', 'On a Plan', 'Something in the Way', as
well as a cover of David Bowie's 'The Man Who Sold the World'. The
Huddie Ledbetter tune 'Where did You Sleep Last Night' is an absolute
standout, definitely the most charged version of this song that I've
ever heard, and Cobain's vocal is raw and electric.

  This album isn't full of great musicianship, but it is one of the
most engrossing CDs I've ever run across. Even if grunge hasn't
appealed to you in the past, give this one a listen.


LIVE THROUGH THIS
Hole
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  Courtney Love's band has received mountains of publicity since
the death of her husband, Kurt Cobain. This album has also received a
lot of favourable comments from reviewers.

  However, I didn't live through this -- I couldn't even manage to
listen to the whole CD, even though I made two attempts. I thought,
given my rather advanced age, that it just might be some kind of
generational thing. Then, the rather nubile Ms. LaBamba made the
comment while this album was on that she felt that the CD player must
be broken.

  There's no sign of music on this nasty thing, save your money.


CROSS ROAD
Bon Jovi
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  The kings of shopping-mall pop are back -- this time with what
is essentially a best-of collection with a couple of new tunes
thrown in.

  You'll find virtually all of the band's big hits on it. No one
admits to liking these guys, but *someone* is buying their records,
and by the bag full.

  I've always found their music almost annoyingly catchy, and
there's nothing worse than finding yourself absent-mindedly humming
a Bon Jovi tune. I suspect a lot of you will buy this CD, and play it
late at night on your discman while hiding in the basement.

  No surprises here, it's exactly what you imagine it'll be.


THE LONG BLACK VEIL
The Chieftains
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  Geez, who *isn't* on this album? There's Mick Jagger, Sting,
Ry Cooder, Marianne Faithful, Mark Knoffler, even Tom Jones and
others lurking here and there in the tunes.

  The Chieftains have emerged from the 'Irish Balladeer' pigeon hole
and stepped into the forefront as one of the most interesting group
of musical experimenters about. They give us a varied scope of style
and instrumentation on this CD -- everything from the expected Irish
styles to what sounds very much like rock and roll, and then you'll
hear Australian aboriginal instruments in the background. The guest
talent is used thoughtfully instead of gratuitously, as is typical of
albums with long guest lists.

  This one has classic written all over it. Bonus -- it's exquisitely
produced and recorded. Pick it up, quick.

Religiously yours,
Rev. Richard Visage
rv@visage.jammys.net


anything, but what happened to all those endorsement contracts you
promised? I mean, I don't want to put down your business acumen, but
the only company that has approached me so far was from Taiwan, and
they wanted me to put my name on a combination Buttock Toner/Desk
Organizer. After watching Ms. LaBamba give the buttock toner a try,
I'm pretty impressed. That said, you guys said it was gonna be a sure
thing, and that I could expect offers by the truckload. What gives? I
was almost kind of nice to Whitney again, too. Don't tell me I have
to write a nice review of Frank Sinatra's album...)

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Copyright 1995 Rev. Richard Visage, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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Rev. Richard Visage is the official Spiritual Advisor to Fidonet, and
is listed on the masthead of the Fidonews, where his correspondence
is published regularly. The Rev. operates 1:163/409 on a laptop from
various hotel rooms, and is bankrolled by expense accounts from very
unsuspecting publications who showed poor judgement in hiring him.
Canadian Government officials list him and his semi-clad secretary,
Ms. LaBamba, as officially "at large" somewhere in North America.
==============================={DREAM}===============================

{Editor's Reply:  We don't need no steenking endorsements.  But how 
 would you feel about a cameo appearance in THE WORDPERFECT KID? }