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journal
The works crew and others amazing stories! ADD BELOW!!
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boo. er.. tim... you tell 'em.. i'm no good at stories...
Once upon a time, there was a BBS.
and this BBS was good.
Then suddenly it all ended. Time as we know it began. Suns orgiastically
proclaimed their existence in the universe, shouting "I am! I am!" in an
explosive burst of hydrogen. Planets formed, magma cooled, life evolved,
people got lazy, and our current selection of BBS's were born. Then one
day, Dave Ferret was in his local McDonalds, bit into a "McRib", and heard
an audible squeak...
"Don't EAT ME!" "Don't eat me!" cried the audible squeek, and Dave Ferret
in aghast, and stunned dropped the soggy McRib to the ground and watched it
waddle off, until -THEY- walked into MickyDee's... "Oh shit" exclaimed
Dave...
"Where's Oliver?" asked Bobby, "He's gonna miss the taping!"
"Here I am!" came a squeak, chillingly similar to the one emanating from his
sandwich, thought Dave. Before long, the entire Brady crew was there with a
caseload of cream pies. A k-k00l director looking just like the guy from
the "Freedom Rock" commercial was scoping out the Bradies through a box he
was making with his hands. "Remember, Mike," noted Carol, "Myrna said we're
supposed to be larger than life when we're on film."
"Well, she couldn't have been referring to Jan's tits," quipped Alice. Then
suddenly, without provocation, Dave Ferret was hit smack in the face with a
cream pie.
"Um, time for me to exit this story... Like shwoop!" thought Dave...
<shwoop> Dave imploded, and ceased existance in this story... and the plot
continued on rampantly...
Then, suddenly, Dave realized that a rampant plot made possible his
reappearance in the story, as incredible as it may seem...Like the tick of a
clock which suddenly appears out of nowhere, Dave Ferret found himself back
at McDonald's with a cream pie headed his way. He wondered if there was a
formula for its trajectory, and wished he had taken AP Physics....SPLAT!
But the pie was deflected by a being from the fourth dimension, who just
happened to appear in its path and Dave Ferret was saved! <CHEER>
He left the McDonalds and...
...found himself being hustled with the rest of the bradies into the family
truckster. Before he knew what was happening, they were headed off to...THE
FUCKING GRAND CANYON! They sang songs for a while, then Cindy had to stop
and take a pis They suddenly noticed Dave's presence just as they were
pulling up to the r of the canyon and a suspicious looking Indian walked up
to the car and said "Yatahai!"
which means : "Are you THE Dave Ferret?" Yes, the Indian was an avid Works
user. Anyways, Dave went off with the Indian and left the Bradys standing by
the canyon. A few minutes later, they were wiped out by a sniper on the
other side of the canyon with the initials R.S. and big black spiky hair.
The Indian turned back and watched and said "Schakliki nee peng", which
means: "Thank god those assholes are dead" Dave agreed.
And so, Dave Ferret and a suspicious looking Native American descended into
the Grand Canyon on muleback. Suddenly, as they were about halfway down the
canyon, they saw none other than the Drummond family from Diff'rent Strokes
coming up the same path. Luckily, the Drummonds were so busy arguing about
who the new maid would be after they fired Pearl that they didn't even
notice the Indian's and Dave's presence. And the attempt to introduce yet
another sitcom family into this story was avoided.
At the botton of the canyon, Dave and the Indian, whose name, strangely
enough, was Peter, came upon R.S. and they had a feast of many buffalo.
Then Peter took out a pipe, stuffed in a strange weedlike substance which no
textfile on the Works had ever described (dave thought) and passed the pipe
to R.S. R.S. took a puff and his eyes momentarily rolled back in his head.
Then Dave partook and handed the pipe back to Peter, who commenced the
telling of a story which as it turns out would have an incredible impact on
the future development of the Works. He began:
"Hey, you're Robert Smith aren't you?" said Dave to R.S
"yes" said robert.
And the story began....
"We have discovered that aliens from another dimension are orbiting the
Earth and using their keen-0 modems to call the works. They must be rooted
out and destroyed. But how? We can't use ID, cause that would be like
Argghus and that is BAD."
"I kNoW," said Robert, who was starting to feel the effects of the
pipe. "We cAn StaRt a MaSSivE WavE of McCaRtHyIsm" Dave pondered this and
then inspired by Peter's pipe said:
"Holy shit! Peter, you're a piper!"
but seriously, folks, Dave said:
Ummm, we can just send out some ultrasonic beams through my modem and kill
them all" and so they did, allowing the sad alien subplot to come to a messy
end.
So Dave took another draught and reflected for a moment on the subject of
rampant plots. Suddenly, Dave thought, "Ultrasonic beams? From a modem?"
Then the aliens appeared again, wreaking havoc on the Works. "Aw, fuck it,"
said Dave, and they disappeared out of the story again.
"What a life," Dave thought, "sitting at the bottom of the fucking Grand
Canyon with an Indian named Peter and some guy named Robert, who I assume
is based on a character in real life. What this lil' story needs is a
conflict, some sort of problem, or an enemy of sorts." He stared into space
and was lost for a long time. When he came to his senses, he noticed a
heinous looking "woman" coming down the canyon on a mule. "Holy shit," he
said, "it's Pam from Argus! This is the chance I've been waiting for..."
And this is what he did:
He started chanting and dancing a dance strangely resembling that of
a cow in pain. Pam stared in horror as she realized what Dave was doing:
beginning the dreaded sysop vs. sysop duel. Suddenly they were both
transported to an alternate dimension so that the power unleashed would not
totally consume the Earth. Dave stared at Pam, daring her to strike first.
She opened with, "Ha! Your BBS only has one line!" Dave parried with a
vehement, "Yes, but my users have a average IQ above 10, and they aren't
just a bunch of whining 12 year olds with no life who spend 18 hours a day
on Argus talking to other losers who they never have the courage to meet."
Pam staggered back from this violent attack and tried to rally,
responding with:
"But we have TINGO! They seem to like that! And have you seen our
teleconference colors? You see, Argus is such a FRIENDLY place, as we like
to say at CBC. You know, some of our users have called the Works before,
but complained that they always felt like they were stupid."
"I wonder why," Dave thought, but he said....
"Yes and some of our users used to call Argus until they realized
that EVERYONE else on Argus was stupid. And what's so good about
teleconference, eh? Can't those losers just go to the mall and find more of
their kind?? And what's with this ID shit, you bloated inhuman fat cow of a
Sys0p!"
Pam strained her puny intellect to respond, after several hours (fwoosh) of
waiting, she came back with:
"Am not!" retorted Pam
"R2" shouted Dave, and R2D2 came onto the scene, aimed his little electric
zapper at Pam, and fired.
"Ow" Pam shrieked, and imploded.
Dave, again, trying very hard not to let this rampant story take him alive
again decided it was time to leave.
"Bovine Ignition Systems Howohoho! " shouted Dave, and a cow appeared in
front of him. Dave hopped onto the Cow and rode on the back of the cow and
into the sunset..
But all was not well. There was something that Dave couldn't quite
remember, but he knew that it was important, EXTREEMLY important...Then all
of a sudden, Dave remembered.....DEAD Cow!! Bessie keeled over and the
sunset had to wait for another day. (no pun intended...)
(Also, it's pretty hard to ride into the sunset at the bottom of the Grand
Canyon...)
Peter and R.S. came along and lifted Dave to his feet. All three agreed
that the insults hurled forth in a fit of desperation by the enchanting
(...not!) Pam, while lacking in veracity, could not be let unanswered.
"Nemo me impune lacessit," observed Dave, and the others heartily agreed.
"But wait a minute," Peter said suddenly in a flash of memory, "I thought
Pam imploded."
"You're fooling yourself," said R.S. A villain such as Pam isn't destroyed
so easily. She has the force of ignorance behind her. I'll betcha that Pam
is sitting back at CBC right now being as incompetent as ever. [And you
know what, he was right. The "Pam" that they had zapped was merely an ANSI
image, which in their state of being high actually looked somewhat real.]
So slowly they ambled back to Lexington, discussing their plans-- and what
plans they were! Here is what they did...
and as they walked into Lexington they saw... Pam! Again! DUM DUMM DUMM
(vaguely threatening noises) And she said, "Ha, you thought I imploded, and
then you thought I was an ANSI image... but you were wrong! I DID implode,
but I survived... because... I'm not really Pam... This is just a disguise.
I'm really... The Anti-Ferret!
"oH nO" said Robert, "it can't be!"
"Look!," said Peter, "She's changing... becoming... Michael
Stipe!!!!"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH~
!!!!!!
Yes, Michael Stipe had returned to menace the Works and all of its
users again! Dave knew that this time, he must truly be destroyed once and
for all. "I should have known only a force that evil could be behing
Arghusss", muttered Robert.
And so they proceeded on:
The Quest to Kill Michael Stipe
They began by...
Gathering together an army of people willing to help defeat the evil Michael
Stipe. Not knowing where else to start, Dave, Peter, and Robert drove up to
a dorm at MIT in an ambulance. As they approached the dorm, a geeky voice
from the third floor met them...
Eugene, calling from a window: Hey, stop! Who are YOU?
Ferret: It is I, Dave Ferret, Sysop of The Works, from the Towne of
Lexington. We have over 2000 textfiles!
Eugene: Yeah, and I'm Linus Pauling!
Ferret: I am, and these are my comrades Peter and Robert. We have ridden
through the streets of Cambridge in search of people to help us fuck over
the evil Michael Stipe. We must speak with a C.S. major...
Eugene: What, you drove here in an ambulance?
Ferret: Yes.
Eugene: You dum-dum! That's a toy bike siren!
Ferret: What?
Eugene: You came here in a 1977 Volkswagon Beetle with a toy bike siren
strapped to the top!
Ferret: So? We have come here from Harvard Square, making a brief stop at
Hubba-Hubba in Central Square, then...
Eugene: Where'd you get the toy bike siren?
Ferret, pissed off: At Hubba-Hubba.
Eugene: At Hubba-Hubba? That's not a toy store!
Ferret: What do you mean?
Eugene: That's a kinky and sleazy sex shop!
Ferret: Whips and chains have other purposes, yet these are not strangers
to Hubba-Hubba...
Eugene: Are you suggesting that people get off just by chucking toy bike
sirens at each other?
Ferret: Not at all! It could be bound to something!
Eugene: What, a toy bike siren glued to a leather whip?
Ferret: You could use a bowline knot!
Eugene: It's not a question of what kind of KNOT! It's a simple question of
the strength of the whip! A quarter-inch thick whip could NOT hold on to a
two pound toy siren without snapping!
Ferret: Well, it doesn't matter! Will you go and tell some C.S. majors
that Dave Ferret from the Works is here!
Eugene: Listen. In order to keep the whip from snapping, it would have to
have a width-to-length-ratio of no more than 1 to 92, right?
Ferret: Please!
Eugene: Am I right?...
Ferret: I'm not interested!
[A second geek, Mirin, appears at another window...]
Mirin: You could use a thick elephant whip!
Eugene: Oh, yeah, a thick elephant whip, maybe, but not an ordinary sex
whip, that's my point.
Mirin: I agree with that.
Ferret: Will you please ask some C.S. majors if they will join me in my
quest to fuck over Michael Stipe!!!
Eugene: But then of course, they don't sell elephant whips at Hubba-Hubba.
Mirin: Oh yeah...
[Dave Ferret, Robert, and Peter get back into the "ambulance."]
Eugene: So it couldn't be used sexually anyway...
Mirin: Wait a minute! Supposing TWO whips bound the toy siren!
Eugene: No...That would take an extremely complex knot.
Mirin: Well, simple! You could find a Boy Scout!
Eugene: What, here at MIT?
Mirin: Well, why not!