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OUR LAWYER WRITES: 

Dear Our Lawyer: 

    A few days ago, I opened a bottle of milk purchased at a local supermarket
and found a rat inside it.  What should I do about this?

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It is interesting that you do not say, "I opened a bottle of milk and found, 

	
to my horror*, a rat inside it."  That is the usual form, and one which we in


the legal profession strongly recommend.  If it was not to your horror, what 
exactly *was* it to?  If, for example, it was to your delight, then I am
afraid that I am ethically bound to advise you that there is little we can do 
to screw the supermarket for every penny it has.  Indeed, it could well be in 
your interest to write a note of thanks to the shop, enclosing a nominal 
cheque, in order to protect yourself against any claim on the part of the 
supermarket for its rat back. 

    If, though, it was merely to your surprise, say, then there may well be 
what we in the profession call a bob or two to be made out of it.  Depending,
naturally, on the extent of your surprise: far be it from me to put ideas into
your head, but if the surprise was such that you fell back against a priceless
T'ang vase which, as it shattered, caused your prize chihuahua to snuff it, 
then compensation could well be considerable.  Whereas if you merely 
exclaimed: "Bugger me, it's a rat!" I do not see much material advantage in 
going before the courts. 

    Nor do you say whether or not the rat was dead.  If the rat left the shop 
alive and expired while in your charge, you could well find an action for 
cruelty brought against you, with the result that you might well be prohibited
for life from keeping another rat.  We in the legal profession should not, 
were this the case, wish to touch you with a bargepole. 

    Why not write me another letter something along the lines of: "A few days
ago, I opened a bottle of milk purchased at a local supermarket, and to my 
inexpressible horror and disgust found a dead rat inside it, since when I have
had no sleep, suffered fainting fits, been unable to hold anything on a 
stomach which has always been sensitive, and lost all sexual interest.  Can 
you in the legal profession take the supermarket to the cleaners, not just for 
me, but for decent human beings everywhere?"