💾 Archived View for spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › internet › hitch04 captured on 2023-06-14 at 17:24:30.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
==========================================================================
== ==
== If you enjoy these please feel free to contact me and say hello. I ==
== can be reached at Sun via the Arpanet or the USENET. My email addr- ==
== esses are: ==
== ==
== {ucbvax, decwrl, allegro}!sun!dbercel!toto ==
== ==
== or ==
== ==
== dbercel@sun.com or dbercel@sun.arpa ==
==========================================================================
Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
Episode 4 - E.C. (The Extra Commercial)
(Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity are on their way to Netrothea.
They have successfully escaped both the Flamers and the Singles.)
Xaphod: How much longer till we reach Netrothea?
Martin: Too soon.
Rod: Quiet!
Gillian: I can't wait to get there!
Arnold Lint:I'm just glad we're still in one piece.
Martin: It doesn't take much to make you happy, does it?
(All of a sudden, a blinding light fills the bridge of the Infinity. When
the light fades, a small, sickeningly adorable creature is revealed. He is
wearing a cap which says "I'm cute, buy me!")
Gillian: What's that?
Xaphod: That's E.C. - the Extra Commercial!
Arnold Lint:The what?
Rod: The Extra Commercial. The most commercialized being since
Santa Claus!
["The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" lists Santa Claus as a being from
Pluto who suffered severe brain damage when his space ship crashed on
earth. Every year the silly old twit tries to fly an old sleigh and a
flock of equally stupid reindeer back to Pluto. Unfortunately, his reverse
gravity modulator is not 100 percent so he never quite gets out of Earth's
orbit. This is just as well as the jerk lost all his deep space gear. Many
people on earth have mistaken the boxes of Kentucky Fried Chicken he
carries on his unlikely space craft (as rations for the trip to Pluto) for
presents to be distributed to children. In actuality, the only reason Fred
Glarn (his real name) ever climbs down chimneys is because he is totally
wasted on Selurian Brandy and he is merely looking for a likely spot to
sleep it off. (Why else would his nose always be red?).]
Xaphod: I've never met E.C. before, I always though he was just some
massive advertising ploy.
Gillian: (To E.C.) Hello, I'm Gillian.
E.C.: (In a heavy New York - Jewish accent) Oy vey, vhat a trip.
Say goylie, you're cute.
Xaphod: Huh?
E.C.: Don't call me E.C., it's a meshugina name. My real name is
Phil Moskowitz.
Arnold Lint:Phil Moskowitz?
Phil: Yes!, Vhat did you expect - Ricardo Montalban?
Rod: You're the Extra Commercial?
Phil: Don't laugh, my brother Saul owns Jordache Jeans!
["The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" states that the Jordache Jeans
Company was actually a very clever marketing ploy by the makers of
Preparation H. It was their intention to boost the sales of their rectal
paraphernalia by inducing Americans to stuff their gludius maximus into
overly confined garments. The ploy did not succeed.]
Gillian: What are you doing here?
Phil: I'm on my vay to the Net Christmas Special. This year it's
being hosted by Johnny Arson and Bud McMolson. Vhen you're a
purely commercial item like me, you have to travel a lot.
Xaphod: But you're Jewish, what are you doing on a Christmas special?
Phil: Believe me, it vasn't my idea. Some people out there actually
think I'm Christ reborn. I knew a kid in Brooklyn name Jesus
Martinez, but that's as close as I ever got. Anyvay, I'm hot
right now in the market, so I go on any show they can get me
on.
Arnold Lint:That's unbelievable! How'd you get started in the business?
Phil: Vell, I tell ya'. One day I'm sitting there, eating a lox on
rye, and some movie man comes up to me and says: "I'm gonna
make you are star". Next thing I know I'm in some nutso movie
vith a bunch of little kids. I hate little kids. No sooner
does the movie hit the screens than there are E.C. video
games, clothing, silverware, contraceptives, books, posters,
and kinky undergarments. You name it and I was on it. Then
came the TV shows and all the publicity events - I actually
cut the ribbon on the Jimmy Carter Memorial Brothel and Pro
Shop! Then I had to appear at the opening of "Nukes are Us" -
a store for budding nuclear powers.
Xaphod: Wow, that's wild.
Phil: Vell, I gotta run.
Gillian: Bye!
(The bright light once again fills the bridge, it fades and E.C. is gone.)
Arnold Lint:That was incredible!
Martin: If you say so!
Rod: Quiet!
Xaphod: Well, we're here . . . Netrothea!
Martin: Oh joy and yummies.
******************** End Of Part 4 ********************
What will Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity find on Netrothea? For
the answer to this spine-tingling question . . . Tune in next time . . .
same Net-time . . . same Net-channel. Also, be sure not to miss the BIG
NET CHRISTMAS SPECIAL starring Johnny Arson, Bud McMolson, Richard
Nixon, Barry Manilow, Richard Simmons, and Teddy the Wonder Lizard.
danielle