💾 Archived View for spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › internet › hitch02 captured on 2023-06-14 at 17:24:28.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
==========================================================================
== ==
== If you enjoy these please feel free to contact me and say hello. I ==
== can be reached at Sun via the Arpanet or the USENET. My email addr- ==
== esses are: ==
== ==
== {ucbvax, decwrl, allegro}!sun!dbercel!toto ==
== ==
== or ==
== ==
== dbercel@sun.com or dbercel@sun.arpa ==
==========================================================================
Episode 2 - The Flamers
(The Infinity's scanners are showing the Flamer's ships approaching fast.
Arnold Lint and Rod Perfect are frantically scurrying about. Xaphod is
trying to figure out how to fly the node, and Gillian is fixing her
makeup. Martin the android is off on a corner moping about how he's too
young to die.)
Xaphod: This is the node Infinity, we are on a peaceful, although a
bit mercenary, mission. Hold your fire.
(The commander of the Flamer's fleet appears on the screen. He appears to
be a normal human, except for a small silver halo stapled to his head.)
Flamer: I am Adolf Riteyus, commander of the Flaming Queen. You have
violated Flaming space and must be blasted. You will be given
a fair and drawn out hearing before you are found guilty.
Rod: We didn't know this was Flaming space!
Adolf: Ignorance is no excuse. Do you think that just because you
don't know something you shouldn't be responsible for it? Why,
if we didn't go around blasting people who thought they were
innocent, there'd be no order. The whole power structure of
the Net is based on the inalienable right to flame. He who
flames the loudest and strongest will prevail, for he will
have maintained purity of essence by not compromising his
principles. It doesn't matter what one flames about, as long
as one comes out a winner. Winning the argument for mandatory
retroactive birth control is one of our greatest victories.
We Flamers always win because we never give up. No, things are
either our way or they're WRONG.
[The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" lists the Flamers as one of the most
argumentative races in the Net. History shows that the Flamers went to war
over the right to keep and bear tongue depressors. They also had a violent
and bloody discussion over the morality of Odor Eaters. The only time the
Flamers can be easily beaten in combat is on Sunday mornings when they all
watch evangelist shows, or during Ronco "Mr. Microphone" commercials
(their symbol of worship).]
Gillian: What should we do?
Xaphod: How 'bout evasive actions?
Marvin: It won't help.
Rod: Oh shut up! evasive action!
Adolf: Where do you come from?
Xaphod: Not from around here.
Adolf: Where are you headed?
Rod: Left.
Gillian: That's telling him?
Adolf: What is your favorite color?
Arnold Lint:My what?
Adolf: Your favorite color!
Rod: White!
Adolf: What is the maximum warp speed of a ladened Swaldrel?
Xaphod: Denebian or Rigelian?
Adolf: I don't know that . . . all right, enough evading, if you
don't surrender in the next five seconds I'll blast you right
out of existence.
Rod: Well, now what.
Adolf: Five!
Arnold Lint:What's this button do?
Adolf: Four!
Xaphod: That's the Illogical Drive. It propels the node on power from
hard drugs and acid rock. It's kind of dangerous though.
Adolf: Three!
Arnold Lint:Should we try it?
Adolf: Two!
Rod: Well, lets not . . . Four!
Adolf: Four!
Arnold Lint:So this is it, we're all going to die.
Adolf: Three!
Martin: I warned you about this trip.
Adolf: Two!
Xaphod: All right, all right, engage the Illogical Drive!
Adolf: One!
(Arnold Lint engages the Illogical drive. Images of the movie "Easy Rider"
float across the view port. "In-a-gadda-da-vida" starts coming across the
radio. The 12" CRT on Xaphod's shoulder starts scrolling "Wow man, what a
trip!". The scanners show that the Flamers couldn't handle the sudden
flood of sensory excitation and burst their brains. This only made their
reactions a bit slower though as the Flamer's brain is remarkably small.
The Infinity, charged up with Liquid Super Duetrillium, was able to make
warp speed and turn the corner before the Highway patrol picked them up on
radar. This was fortunate for it meant that they wouldn't be caught by
Spiny Norman, the 45 foot blue hedgehog that had been following them.)
Gillian: We made it.
Rod: Yah, where are we Martin.
Martin: We're way out man.
Xaphod: Oh, he's useless now - it'll take a while before he comes
down.
Arnold Lint:At least he isn't so gloomy.
Martin: Nooo body knows, the trouble I've see . . . have any of you
ever contemplated the death of a grain of salt?
[The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" points out that the life and death of
a grain of salt can have amazing importance in the course of life on the
Net. On particular grain of salt (named Nigel) was responsible for the
overthrow of an entire government. Nigel gave his
. <- Nigel
life by falling into the barrel of a shotgun that was aimed at the planets
dictator. Thanks to lousy marksmanship on the part of the rebels, only
Nigel was able to hit the dictator. The rest of the buck shot killed the
dictator's pet salmon, Eric. Nigel, however, penetrated the dictators eye
and eventually killed him 8 months later just before a firing squad cut
the dictator in two.]
Rod: Shut Up!
Xaphod: Well, lets get back on course.
Arnold Lint:What are those?
(The scanners now show a dozen ships shaped like the number one heading
toward the Infinity.)
Xaphod: Those are Singularan ships. They're worse than flamers!
Rod: Oh yeah, they're worse than a visit from an insurance
salesman.
Gillian: They're normally mild mannered computer scientists. But
when they get on the Net, they become endowed with a
superhuman ability to talk about incredibly personal things,
things they couldn't otherwise discuss.
Arnold Lint:Sounds awful.
Martin: That's what I keep telling you.
Rod: Shut up!
Xaphod: If we don't get out of here fast, we'll end up
debating which finger a divorced person should
wear his or her ring on when going to homosexual
orgies - or worse, have to go to a Pot Luck Dinner
where all that the people do is talk.
******************** End Of Part 2 ********************
Will the crew of the infinity avoid the clutches of the Singularans? Or
will they end up exchanging recipes for onion dip. For the answers to
these and several other amazingly unimportant questions . . . Tune in next
time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.
toto 37: