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Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
Episode 1 - First Meeting
One day, not long after tomorrow, Arnold Lint was busy scrolling through
the seemingly infinite reaches of the Net. All of a sudden the news
stopped with an abrupt thud, followed by the angry message "YOUR NODE HAS
BEEN REDUCED TO A LITTLE BLACK, GREASY SPLOTCH IN MY MEMORY SPACE!!". No
sooner had he assimilated this horrendous event when a great suction like
noise began to emanate from his terminal. "This is it", he said to
himself, "I'm going to die". The screen on his terminal imploded and he
suddenly found himself sucked into the terminal . . . . . . . . . . . .
(Arnold Lint regains consciousness, only to find himself in the company of
an odd trio. One of the trio is an apparently normal human male (named Rod
Perfect) and the second is a voluptuous young woman (named Gillian). The
third is also a normal male (named Xaphod Gronklebox), except for a third,
mechanical, arm and a 12" CRT on his shoulder that keeps scrolling "Pieces
of Eight, Pieces of Eight".)
Rod: Evening all! I'm Rod Perfect, awfully rude of you imploding on
us this way, you silly twit.
Arnold Lint:Sorry. Am I dead?
Xaphod: Obviously not, you semi-evolved simian! Are all you
net-landers so stupid. If you were dead would I be talking to
you? I'm Xaphod Gronklebox, the famous inter-net-al criminal
and dog molester - you must have heard of me.
Arnold Lint:Actually, no, I haven't.
Xaphod: Oh well, your loss. I just hijacked this node! It's called the
Infinity, isn't it wild. Just imagine the places we can go in
this baby.
(Rod notices that Arnold's eyes are transfixed on the young woman)
Rod: Her name's Gillian, at least that's what she wants to be
called. Actually, her real name is Gertrude Floogie, but she
didn't like it, so she changed it.
(Arnold Lint detects a mechanical sound to his right. A robot soon walks
into view)
Robot: My name is Martin. I am sure you will have an absolutely awful
time on this node, I always have. I do not know why they
insist on trying to do things to change the Net, they can only
make it worse. No matter what happens, some one always says
something stupid and ruins everything. Then someone else feels
obliged to a rebuttal, and on and on it goes. How awful.
Still, what do you expect from an imperfect Net.
Rod: Martin is a bit, well, depressing.
Xaphod: He's a real downer, man!
Martin: That's right, ridicule me. See what I care. I'm only an
android. Just another example of cruelty in this awful Net.
(The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" defines cruelty as having to see
constant repetitions of the same salutary comment in more than 20
messages. History shows that a war was fought over the repetition of the
statement "If you don't like my name - push off, signed xxxx" appearing in
200 messages from the node of Moronicus. Since that time, any time a
salutary message is used more than 20 times, subsequent violators have
their pelvis screwed to a cake stand while they are forced to watch
repeats of "The Gong Show".)
Arnold Lint:Well, what do we do now?
Xaphod: We're on our way to Netrothea. (The 12" CRT on his shoulder
now starts repeating "Polly want a sedative, Polly want a
sedative") There's supposed to be all sorts of wild and
amazingly great things in that place!
Rod: Martin, set course for Netrothea!
Martin: All right, but you're not going to like it.
Gillian: What will we find on Netrothea?
Xaphod: Well, there's supposed to be a huge stock pile of data there
that we can sell to the Net for millions.
Arnold Lint:A stock pile of what?
Xaphod: Data! Data! You idiot. Knowledge is power in the Net. All that
data has been accumulating over the centuries. Just imagine
the amazingly amazing philosophical Net-discussions that it
stored. I mean, the Net is the focal point of all wisdom.
Just think of all that smart stuff! Wow!
( The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" insists that the focal point of all
knowledge in not the Net itself. Rather, it is the fourth stall in the
mens room in Grand Central Station. No one has ever been dumb enough to
waste time disproving this wild claim, so the publishers avoided some
nasty laws suits.)
Xaphod: We'll have millions! We'll by everything! No, we'll have
billions, trillions, . . . .
(Xaphod begins to shake violently and froth at the mouth, then he falls
over backward. A few seconds later he comes to.)
Xaphod: Well, lets go!
Rod: You all right?
Xaphod: Yah, sure. Just the excitement of new conquests.
Arnold Lint:Looked more like Flamers-syndrome to me.
Xaphod: You should talk, you key-pounding half-wit.
Gillian: If we're going to go, lets go already.
Martin: Do we really have to?
Rod: YES!
(Just as the node starts on it's way, a host of flame-shaped vessels
became visible on the scanners)
Rod: Funny you should mention Flamers-syndrome.
Xaphod: Oh, hell!
Gillian: What are they?
Xaphod: Damn, those are ships belonging the Flamers. They go after
anything, no matter how pointless or unimportant it is. If
they catch us, we could suffer permanent brain damage, or
worse yet - join the Moral Majority
Arnold Lint:So this it it, we're all going to die!
Martin: I told you that you would like it.
Others: Oh Shut Up!
******************** End Of Part 1 ********************
Will Arnold and his new travelling companions escape the Flamers? Or will
they end up playing rock albums backwards at 66.6 RPM? For the answers to
these, and countless other pointless questions . . . Tune in next time . .
. same Net-time . . . same Net-channel
danielle