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101 Uses For Wood Bugs (those bugs that curl into a ball)
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By: David Hooper
Victoria, BC
with a few suggestions from Snagglepuss
1 Play marbles with them
2 Paint green; a nutritious substitue for kids who don't eat their peas
3 Stir-fry in vegetable oil; popbugs
4 Balls in organic pinball machine
5 Trackball in a very small mouse
6 Pets that double as ear plugs
7 Ball bearings in light-duty machinery
8 Ammunition for pea shooter
9 Freeze, then substitute for soup croutons; scare mom
10 Use as roller in gigantic Bic ball point pen
11 Scoop out insides; paint bright colours; beach ball for hamster
12 Scoop several dozen into empty tin can; cover; shaker for Reggae music
13 Heads of large push pins
14 Puree in blender; add to Ovaltine to improve the taste
15 Fashionable, self-adhering earrings
16 Paint white; imitation pearl necklaces & other jewelry
17 Feed pet tarantula
18 Fit with miniature shovel and and sample jar; use to take soil samples
19 Clear stuffed-up nasal passages (you figure out how)
20 Play joke on pet Venus Flytrap
21 Test flypaper
22 Dip in coloured ink; put on white fabric; create new-wave cool T-shirt
23 Scoop out insides; flatten; glue several million together; sell to
Polish space administration as spacecraft heat sheild
24 Pull off legs; sprinkle on your favorite flavour of ice cream
25 Replace worn out ball on tip of car's radio antenna
26 Handicap for people like Michael Jordan and Larry Bird; substitute for
normal basketball
27 Fill holes in swiss cheese
28 Put a dozen or so in straight line; roll and smoke
29 Solder legs into printed circuit boards; organic computer chips
30 One-sided dice in Dungeons & Dragons
31 Crunchy Thanksgiving turkey stuffing
32 Play Chinese Checkers
33 Collect some flies and one hornet; CAREFULLY pull off wings; using wood
bug as ball, play Russian Jacks (in the spirit of Russian Roulette)
34 Paint orange; use in fish pond as buoys
35 Feed to pet garter snake; tell people snake is rattle snake
36 New and upcoming style: Woodbug-washed jeans. Just add to laundry
37 Mix with gelatine; tapioca substitute
38 Pick large mushroom; turn upside down; inscribe numbers; place wood bug
near center and spin. (makeshift Roulette wheel when lost in woods)
39 Coat with phosphorescent material; poke under dresser; find lost coins,
jewelry, parking tickets, etc. (not for use with some dressers)
40 Collect 88 of them; teach how to jump up and down; put on piano keys and
teach them to play rag-time; sell piano and bugs to old-style bar
41 Vibrating ball in police whistle
42 Inject steroids; enter in 1 m insect dash
43 Paint black; use as ornaments in leather clothing and accessories
44 Collect three; step on two; insert in electrical socket so your baby
doesn't get electrocuted
45 Spread rumor that they are an aphrodisiac; sell for $20/dozen
46 Collect as many as you can; put between two sheets of glass; with panels
for top, bottom and sides; fill with dirt; instant science project
47 Breed near nuclear power plant; sell offspring to museum as newly-
discovered species of insect
48 Teach to smell guns, knives and drugs; improve airport security
49 Puree and add spider parts, orange Cool-aid and Draino; sell to high-
school kids as "Zit B Gone"
50 Throw on floor in front of unsuspecting pedestrians; substitute for
banana in old practical joke
51 Sneak a colony into hardwood fine furniture store that wouldn't give you
a good deal
52 Sprinkle from balcony during horror film
53 Put in asynchronous orbit above Earth's ozone hole; absorb harmful rays
54 Put thousands in giant spray can; mother-in-law repellant
55 Scoop out insides; fill with cocaine; shove up nostril
56 Place 200 on 8-1/2 by 11 sheet of Saran Wrap; put in photocopier; sell
as genuine microscopic photograph of flea's tongue
57 Carefully balance on a needle point; earthquake detector
58 Paperweight for book of Prime Minister Mulroney's greatest achievements
59 Throw on roof; test rain gutter system of house
60 Drop in bottle of Coke; re-seal; sue Coca-Cola company
61 Put in belly button; videotape; market as 'Aliens' type horror movie
62 Put in peanut butter, cookie jar, deep fat fryer, etc; appetite
suppressant for dieters
63 Impale 91 of them on 13 steel rods (7 on each); shishkabob serving 13 or
makeshift abacus
64 Coat with sodium metal; dump in toilet; while away a boring afternoon
65 Scoop out insides; put in veterinarian-prescribed medicine; feed to dog
66 Collect and fill wax paper bags; put in colourful boxes; sell as extra-
crunchy cereal that doesn't go soggy in milk
67 Figure out how they reproduce; win Nobel Prize and/or Playboy publishing
deal
68 'Special' treat for bratty trick-or-treat'ers
69 Paint red and green; hang on miniature Christmas tree
70 Dump in a model town in Miniature World; film; low-budget horror movie
called "Night of the Giant Wood Bugs"
71 Scoop out insides; paint several shades of green; army helmet for baby
pet lizard to play with
72 Replace worn out water-level guage in iron
73 Collect 12 pieces of string and 12 wood bugs; use string as lane
dividers and have a swim meet in your own bathtub
74 Coat with phosphorus; throw in toilet; turn out lights; flush and take
photograph, keeping the shutter open for 20 seconds; sell to astrology
lab as photo of a swirling group of comets
75 Cross genes with cannabis plant; grow self-rolling marijuana
76 Coat with ferric oxide; insert in hard drive; clean up bad sectors
77 Paint red; find somebody named William and put it on their head; test
your aim with various firearms
78 Drill six holes in a rectangular cut-out from a felt shoe insole; paint
14 wood bugs different colours, half with stripes, and one white and
one black; use toothpick as cue; Pocket Pool
79 Add a little excitement to a night at the opera: try to throw in fat
lady's mouth
80 Wrecking ball for demolishing Mr. Roger's Neighbourhood
81 Flip up in the air and try to catch in your mouth; test to see how drunk
you are (although if you resort to this test, you must be wasted anyway)
82 Cure fear of insects; take five daily or as directed by a physician
83 Send on space missions instead of astronauts; use smaller rockets and
save $ millions in fuel
84 Tie to string; coat with green slime; hang from top frame of doorway;
keep annoying salesmen away
85 Pee in small test tube; put in wood bug and stopper; carpenter's level
86 Shove up patient's nostril; eat away brain tumors
87 Test fly swatter
88 Trade with Indians for what's left of their land
89 Scoop out brains; glue to Atari ST motherboard; operating system upgrade
90 Coat with hairspray, styling gel and mousse, various colors of spraypaint,
5-minute epoxy and 10W30 motor oil; style Billy Idol's hair for him
91 Shifter knob in Austin Mini
92 Fishing lure
93 Spitball ammo (fill your mouth for that rapid fire action)
94 Bowling balls for you pet slugs
95 New, exciting shapes for Frosted Lucky Charms
96 Filling for bean bag type chairs
97 Squash and mix with sugar; cover with rich milk chocolate; Reese's Wood
Bug Butter Cups
98 New high-protein substitute in Pork 'n Beans
99 Extras for the up and coming movie, "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids Again"
100 Attractive, cost-effective replacement for those worn-out dentures
101 Discussion topics for guys with nothing better to do.
That's 101 (count 'em) fabulous, inexpensive uses for the little critters!
Have fun!
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