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? STONEHENGE BBS ?
? SAN RAFAEL, CA. ?
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? Your Sysop is John Chipps ?
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(415) 479-8328
24 HOURS
300-1200-2400 BAUD
8-N-1
The following are a collection of humorous
text files that I have gathered from bulletin
boards from across the country as well as from
other sources. They have appeared weekly in the
VARIETY section on STONEHENGE BBS. I would like
to share this collection. If you have anything
to add, your upload would be appreciated.
PART I
x
SISTER MARY ELIZABETH O'REILLY
THE RESCUE MISSION
FARMINGTON, MICHIGAN 48041
Perhaps you have heard of me and my nationwide campaign in the crusade
of temperance. Each year, for the past fourteen, I have made a tour of
Michigan, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and California.
I have delivered a series of lectures on the evils of drinking. In this
tour, I have been accompanied by my young assistant, Warren Butterworth.
Warren, a young man of good family and excellent background is a
pathetic example of life ruined by excessive indulgence in whiskey and
women.
Warren would appear with me at the lectures and sit on the platform
wheezing and staring at the audience through bleary, bloodshot eyes,
sweating profusely, picking his nose, passing gas and making obscene
gestures at the audience setting an example of what over indulgence
can do to a person.
Last fall, unfortunately, Warren died. Shortly our crusade will be
travelling in your area. A mutual friend has given me your name and
address. I wonder if you would be able to take Warren's place on my
annual tour.
I will call when I get to your locale.
Yours in Faith,
Sister Mary Elizabeth O'Reilly
Rescue Mission President
Stonehenge BBS [415]479-8328
x
MEN'S ROOM BEHAVIOR
You may expect to find one or more of the following behaviors in
a men's room at any time.
1. EXCITABLE: shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips
shorts.
2. SOCIABLE: joins friends in a piss whether he has to or not.
3. CROSSEYED: looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is
hung.
4. TIMID: cannot piss if someone is watching, flushed urinal
and comes back later.
5. INDIFFERENT: all urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6. CLEVER: no hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on
the floor.
7. WORRIED: not sure where he has been lately, makes quick
inspection.
8. PLAYFUL: plays stream up. down and across urinals, tries to hit
fly or bug.
9. ABSENT MINDED: opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10. CHILDISH: pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see
it bubble.
11. SNEAK: farts silently when pissing, acts very innocent,
knows man at next stall will get blamed.
12. PATIENT: stands very close for a long time while waiting,
reads with free hand.
13. DESPARATE: waits in long line, legs crossed, pisses in pants.
14. TOUGH: bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
15. EFFICIENT: wait til he has to shit, then does both.
16. FAT: backs up and takes a blind shot urinal, pisses in shoe.
17. Little: Stands on box.
18. Drunk: holds left thumb in right hand. Pisses in pants.
19. DISGRUNTLED: stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20. CONCEITED: holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.
x ----
EVERYBODY DOES IT
Part I. (A-B)
ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.
ACTORS do it on cue.
ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.
AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.
ANSI does it in the standard way.
ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.
ARCHITECTS have great plans.
ARTISTS are exhibitionists.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.
ATTORNEYS make better motions.
AUDITORS like to examine figures.
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.
BAILIFFS always come to order.
BAKERS knead it daily.
BAND MEMBERS play all night.
BANKERS do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal!)
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.
BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.
BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.
BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.
BEER DRINKERS get more head.
BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry
BOSSES delegate the task to others.
BOWLERS have bigger balls.
BRICKLAYERS lay all day.
BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.
BUTCHERS have better meat.
XX
HOW MANY LAWYERS DOES IT TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
A. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at
the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by
the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this
point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a
manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of
this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur
in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the
fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
.....the end
XX
Stonehenge BBS [415]479-8328
SELF IMPROVEMENT CLASSES NOW AVAILABLE
BELOW IS A PARTIAL LIST OF CLASSES BEING OFFERED THIS SPRING
1. SELF IMPROVEMENT
Creative Suffering
Overcoming Peace of Mind
Guilt Without Sex
Ego Gratification Through Violence
Creative Depression
Whine Your Way to Alienation
How to Overcome Self Doubt Through Pretense and Ostentation
A New Drug to Enhance Your Social Life
2. BUSINESS AND CAREER
Money Can Make You Rich. I made $100 in Real Estate
Career Opportunities in El Salvador
How to Profit From Your Own Body
The Underachievers Guide to Very Small Business
Looters Guide to American Cities
Growing Grass For Fun and Profit
3. HOME ECONOMICS
How You Can Convert Your Family Room Into a Garage
1001 Other Uses For Your Vacuum Cleaner
Burglarproof Your Home With Concrete
The Repair and Maintenance of Your Virginity
How to Convert a Wheelchair Into a Dunebuggy
Christianity and the Art of RV Maintenance
4. HEALTH AND FITNESS
Creative Tooth Decay
Exorcism and Acne
The Joys of Hyperchondria
High Fiber Sex
Biofeedback and How to Stop it.
Skate Yourself to Regularity
Tap Dance Yourself to Social Ridicule
Optimum Body Functions
5. CRAFTS
Self-Actualization Through Macrame
How to Draw Genitalia
Needlecraft for Junkies
XX
Stonehenge BBS [415]479-8328
INSURANCE REPORTS
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where
drivers attempted to summarize the details of their accidents.