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Article 73 of eunet.jokes: Path: puukko!santra!tut!enea!mcvax!ukc!dcl-cs!nott-cs!jpo From: jpo@cs.nott.ac.uk (Julian Onions) Newsgroups: eunet.jokes Subject: Batman up to date... Message-ID: <717@robin.cs.nott.ac.uk> Date: 14 Mar 88 10:07:47 GMT Reply-To: jpo@cs.nott.ac.uk (Julian Onions) Organization: Computer Science, Nottingham Univ., UK. Lines: 130 Well I liked it ... ------------------------------------------------------- Holy Time-Warp Batman by Nick Broom (Punch) (Wayne manor, Batman and Robin have just returned from the snooker hall) Robin: Look, Batman! There's a message on the Fax from the Commissioner! Batman: What does it say? Robin: It says, "Hi, Batman. Batgirl is being held captive at the Gotham Rubber Company. Please hurry there. Nice one Commissioner." Batman: At once to the Batcave. (Our heroes go to the Batcave below stately Wayne Manor and prepare for theier rescue mission) Batman: Ready? To the Batporsche, Dean! Robin: Why do you keep calling me Dean? me name's Robin. Batman: No one's called Robin nowadays. Dean's much more Eighties. Robin: (Sulkily) No one's called Batman. Batman: Don't be facetious, Dean. Look in my Filofax for the address of the Gotham Rubber Company, and then let's make tracks. Robin: Right, well, it's on Stallone Street, just behind the Nuthouse Vegetarian Resteraunt. Batman: Oh, yes, I know it well. Speaking as a vegetarian, I'd say it's the only decent place I've found to eat out. Okay, let's go. Robin: But wait, you've forgotten the warning to the kids! Batman: Oh, quickly then. (Camera closes in on Batman's face) "Boys and Girls, I cannot do without using a condom. Don't think I can and don't think you can. Have a nice day." Right, that's that done. Let's hit the road. (Batman and Dean roar out of the Batcave and head for the Gotham Rubber Company) Batman: How about some Batmusic, Dean? Robin: Okay. (Sings) Na na na na ... Batman: I mean turn on the Compact Disc player. Robin: Sorry. (Turns on the CD) Na na na na, Batman! Na na... Batman: That's better. You know .... (Cellular phone rings. Dean answers. Heavy breathing on the other end of the line) Robin: We know it's you, Joker. Why don't you go and play your stupid pranks some place else? (Line goes dead) That guy sure is... Holy Catlitter! There's Catwoman breaking into that jeweller's! (The Batporsche screeches to a halt) Batman: Hold it right there, Catwoman! Catwoman: Ah, Batman. Still haven't got a proper job? Batman: Okay, Catwoman, let's have you out of that catsuit. Catwoman: But, Batman, you weren't like this in the Sixties. I thought you preferred Robin. Batman: I do, but people want more sex in 1989, and since homosexuality is a TV audience turn-off, that leaves you. Robin: But, Batman, we must hurry - Batgirl's in dire straits. Batman: Oh, all right, then. Come on. (They rush out to the Batporsche) Robin: Oh, no, we've been clamped! Batman: This must be the work of the Penguin. Look, there he is! Robin: That can't be him, he's wearing Levi 501's and a designer shirt. Batman: Thats him all right. Stop right there Penguin! Penguin: Hello, Batman. You recognised me after all these years, and in my new gear. Well done. Batman: Penguin, the wrapper may have changed but what's inside is just as evil as before. Penguin: Well, I must say that Raybans and a beret do more for you than that ridiculous hood you use to wear. Batman: Unclamp our car, Penguin. Penguin: No way, Batman. Wait for hours like everybody else. Batman: There's no time for that. Com on, Dean, let's run. Robin: But Batman, it's still a long way. Batman: Don't worry, Dean, I'm wearing my Gucci loafers. Jump on my back and I'll carry you. (Batman and Dean run off to the Gotham Rubber Company. When they arrive, they try the video entry-phone, but when no one answers, they break in.) Robin: Holy incomprehensible! The floor's marked out into six enormous coloured segments! Batman: I thought as much. This is the trademark of the Trivial Pursuiter! Robin: The who? Batman: The Trivial Pursuiter, none other than the Riddler of old! T.Pursuiter: Correct, Batman. Long time no see. Hey, like the boxer shorts, Robin. Batman: We want Batgirl, Trivial Pursuiter. T.Pursuiter: Not so fast, Batman. First you must answer some questions. What do you want: Geography, Science and Nature, Entertainment...? Batman: Where is she? T.Pursuiter: Ah, Geography. What is the largest lake in ...? Batman: Cut it out, Trivial Pursuiter. What have you done with Batgirl? T.Pursuiter: Now you want History! Who was the tallest US president? Robin: Abraham Lincoln. T.Pursuiter: Good. Now what category? Robin: Er, how about Entertainment? Batman: Dean, wake up, he's using the questions to mesmerise you. Take this Anti-Trivial Pursuit Batpill which I happen to have on me! (Dean takes the Batpill and immediately recovers) Batman: Thats better. Right Dean, let's go and find Batgirl. T.Pursuiter: No, you don't! (He blocks their path) Robin: Take that, Trivial Pursuiter! BONK! Batman: Wait, wait, we can't have BONK! any more. It's too rude. Robin: But I thought we needed more sex and violence in the show. Batman: BONK! is sex and violence. We can't have both, at least not at the same time. Robin: Okay. FUNK!! (Dean hits the Trivial Pursuiter, who falls, beaten) Batman: Hey, like it, Dean! Give me five! T.Pursuiter: very well, you win, Batman. She's through there. (Batman and Dean go through to another room, where they find Batgirl staring vacantly into the bubbling waters of a Jacuzzi) Robin: She's in a trance. Batman: Yes, the Trivial Pursuiter was gradually boring her to death with his dull questions. I'll just give her an Anti-Trivial Pursuit Batpill. (Batgirl swiftly comes round) Batgirl: Ah, Batperson., at last. What took you so long? Batman: What's the "Batperson" thing, Batgirl? Batgirl: Batperson, please Batperson. Batman: You mean we're both called Batperson? Batgirl: This is the Eighties, Batperson. Batman: But that makes us sound equal. That's no good. You know, things were much better in the Sixties... (Batman drones on. Fade) -- Julian Onions