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Embrace Ltd. of Uggadunk V3.0 says:
In 1988 Uggadunk V3.0 was formed by some Computer Engineer students at the
university of Karlstad, Sweden. During some very boring lessons in Pascal
programming we began writing a story to make time pass faster. I had the
amusing pleasure of translating it to English from the Swedish original.
The story is quite odd and confusing, containing many internal jokes,
perversions and stuff that is very Swedish and quite intranslatable.
If you're going to read it, suit yourself, because here's
THE STORY OF MOOSE SKIN BENGT
BY UGGADUNK V3.0
Chapter 1
Once upon a time there was a man who lived in a cabin far out in
the forest. One day a vacuum cleaner salesman came to His house which
was far out in the forest. The vacuum cleaner salesman came to the door
and knocked on it. 5 minutes later Moose Skin Bengt opened the window
and looked at the vacuum cleaner salesman.
- "Hi there !", said Moose Skin Bengt.
- "Hi His !", said the vacuum cleanel salesman, since that was the
man's name.
(That is, the man, not Moose Skin Bengt)
- "My name isn't His", said Moose Skin Bengt, "I'm just on a visit
here."
His called (sitting in the cabin) - "Is that you Greta dear ?"
- "No stupid, I'm the vacuum cleaner salesman. I'm coming in
now!", and so he did. Moose Skin Bengt said "Hello you man! I'm Moose
Skin Bengt, I'm fine."
- "Oh really", said the vacuum cleaner salesman. - "Have you got
any power ?", the vacuum cleanel salesman asked Bengt with the skin of
a moose.
- "Yes", he said, "two, at least", he answered.
- "Pity, I hate such" thus said the vacuum cleanel salesman.
- "Look, here is a blue Philips! We call this model 'Lady Sucker'.
With a double tube system and bag. 30 SEK per bag. There's room for
three ladies in each bag", said the salesman.
- "Gosh, is there room for Moose Skin Helga too in a bag like
that?", said Moose Skin Bengt while sloughing his skin.
- "I doubt that", said the vacuum cleaner salesman, whose name was
Okie.
- "Do you wanna sing too ?" said Bengt.
- "YEEAAAHH!"
Okie, His, and the sloughed moose skin sang together:
- "We'll join the ring together and take each other's hands"
- "We'll join the ring together and care about our friends"
- "We'll eat each other's bodies and puke just for a while"
- "Speaking of Moose Skin Helga, she's in fact not a lady,
therefore the cause because."
- "May I demonstrate ?" said Okie.
- "Please, do!" said His.
In that very moment there was a knock on the door and a lady stood
outside. - "Come in" said Okie "and you'll see." With a roar the Lady
Sucker started. But when Okie was about to suck the lady, blood and
rags splashed all over the place since Okie had brought his lawn mower
instead.
- "Oops" said Bengt "this succeeded beyond all expectations."
- "Yeah" said Okie "we really have efficient Lady Suckers."
Suddenly a big noise was heard outside the house. Bengt and Okie looked
out: - "Holy moose skins !!!" Bengt exclaimed. Outside the house were
5892 ladies who, just by coincidence, happened to pass by.
- "Gosh" yelled Bengt without moose skin, "should they or we suck
first ?"
- "They !", said Okie, "lalle", Hans and Cabin (in which they
lived.)
- "Come and suck", shouted Bengt, "two files and one at the time."
Leaning on the sucker they were sucked for two hours.
- "You suck fine", said Okie to the ladies.
- "Yeah sure, you gotta get something in your stomach", said
Berit-Lisa-Olga-Wilma-Jane-Olga-Berit.
- "Eeny-Weeny, this was better than Moose Skin Helga", said Bengt,
who now had got a new crocodile skin. "Let's suck", said Crocodile Skin
Bengt to Okie, started the sucker and made mishmash of the rests.
Mishmash with white sauce.
2
Just as Crocodile Skin Bengt was about to take his first bite of
miahmash with white sauce, the big and wicked giant Helge-Alf appeared.
- "If you don't give me something to eat, I'll step on your house.",
said Helge-Alf. Since Helge-Alf is 40 meters tall and weighs 86532
kilos without clothes, His suggested that they should do something
about the situation.
- "Hey Crocodile Skin Bengt", said Sales-Okie, "isn't Helge-Alf's
foot like a lady to 103 % ?"
- "Yes", said Crocodile Skin Bengt, "quickly, give me the Sucker!"
Slfzbrpxschtj! (sound effect in real time) "Here you are, Helge-Alf",
said Bengt.
- "Thank you", said Helge-Alf, "that was yum yum !" (This was
allright, since Helge-Alf the giant has 13 feet.)
- "Uahhh !", yelled Okie.
- "What is it", asked Bengt.
- "A UFO! Look up there!"
Svirr svirr it sounded as it swept over the house and landed far
out in the forest.
- "Well, that was fun, wasn't it. That was my newest Electrolux
being delivered to Trulsa in the Turn.
- "Look there!", said Bengt, "is that a UFO?" and pointed at
something slimy that was flying in the clouds.
- "No, that's just left since the sucking.", said the vacuum
cleaner salesman.
- "Now I'm angry", said the vacuum cleanel salesman, "I want to
demonstlate my machine !!"
- "What have you got", asked His who was a quiet and modest man.
- "A fantastic machine! It sucks up dust and withered leaves and
othel leaves and bank notes and ashes and mishmash and moose skin rags
and sand and hair and wood-lice and other things that you want to get
rid of."
- "Great", said Crocodile Skin Bengt, "I gotta try it."
- "What are we gonna try it on ?", said Okie. "We'll try it on
Helge-Alf.", said the vacuum cleaner salesman, for he has schizofrenia.
The vacuum cleanel salesman stalted his machine and started to suck
Helge-Alf. But then a big noise was heard and everything became white.
A thick layer of snow covered the ground although it was in the middle
of July.
- "What's this ?", asked Bengt.
- "Just what I thought", said His, "I knew it was gonna come."
- "What is it ?", asked the vacuum cleaner salesman.
- "It's the Ice Age."
- "Ma !", shouted Helge-Alf.
- "My son", rumbled Ice Age, Helge-Alf's mother who suffers from
terrible scurf formations, "Are the little nasty men bad to you ?"
- "Oh no, not at all", answered Helge-Alf, "we're playing so well
together. They gave my one of my feet to eat and it tasted relly good."
- "Here you are", said Crocodile Skin Bengt, once again sloughing.
- "But it's very cold", said the vacuum cleaner salesman.
- "I just came to get Helge-Alf", said Ice Age, "come home now and
have dinner."
- "Yes mother", said Helge-Alf.
- "Good to be rid of him", said Foreskin Bengt. Slowly but
securely Bengtie took out his skis and went on a Wasalopp Race. His
house stuck into the foreskin. The Lady Sucker sat and sucked itself as
it saw Helge-Alf and Ice Age happily leap away towards the sunset. The
vacuum cleanel moosed away to a veldiglis coppel plate and lay down to
sleep.
3
Suddenly seven little dwarves came walking towards the house. His
who was the only one to see the dwarves thought that they were looking
for Snow White since he had recently read the tale of Snow White. When
the dwarves arrived His thought that they looked a bit strange. They
were dressed in leather and rivets and had ear-rings in their ears.
Very strange. That was not in the tale. The ugliest dwarf, who had a
big ring in his nose, came up to His and said:
- "Erhhurhuf!"
His didn't understand at all what he meant, but tried to explain
that there was no Snow White. The dwarf went mad and said:
- "M??ugh!" Then he went up to His and attempted to strangle him.
- "Wait, wait" shouted Foreskin Bengt, who now returned from his
Wasalopp Race. "I know the dwarf language!" He ripped off the skis and
pulled off the house which was beginning to grow on to him. He went up
to The_Ugliest_Dwarf, which was the name of the leader.
- "Bghhappuq ngo Sno Hwiid" said Foreskin Bengt. The_Ugliest_Dwarf
softened at once and grew tender. He said:
- "U?kkh uppadooh ngjt Sn? Hwiid. Hppqrl f?ttar Erling Hwiid."
- "Oh yeah", said Bengt with the skin before, "bghhappuq ngo
Erling Wiidh."
- "Plupp", said the dwarves in chorus and left the place in a
body.
- "They were looking for the Early White Man Who Doesn't Speak,
and he's not here either.", said Foreskin Bengt to His and fell
exhausted asleep by the oven.
- "But what about Greta ?", wondered the vacuum cleanel salesman,
dazed with sleep.
- "What 'bout me, huh ?", said Greta and looked at the vacuum
cleanel salesman with her three eyes. The vacuum cleanel salesman was
very terrified when he saw the three eyes and ran off to Kuala Lumpur.
But he forgot the Sucker and Greta was happy.
4
Suddenly a strange voice was heard from inside the forest and a
face peeped out.
- "Help !!! It's The Late Black Man", said Bengtie and became so
afraid that he dropped the foreskin.
- "Calm down", the vacuum cleaner said happily, "it's brother.
He's just coming to save us from the big green uck far off at Trulsa in
the Swamp."
- "Have yah got ya club ?", asked the Sucker Lady Sucker.
- "Naw", said the black ugly, "but the skates."
- "Swell", said the Lady Sucker. And thus the two swayed away,
tightly clinging to one another, to carve the throat off the nasty uck.
Bengt tried to get on the foreskin again, but in vain, in was cracked.
For you who don't know what an uck is, here's an excerpt from "THE
STORY OF THE SLIMY UCK": The slimy uck is a green, slimy ugly bastard."
That's about all there is documented about the uck. But back to our
story. We'll probably never see the Lady Sucker and his brother again.
Bengtie has a problem with his cracked foreskin. F?rfattaren till
ber?ttelsen ?r mycket f?rvirrad. Han byter spr?k. Men d? kommer
ordf?randen i KSE (Keep Sweden English) och sl?r honom i huvudet med
ett engelskt lexicon och he returns to English.
- "Gu??hqq", yelled Bengt as he dropped his skin. At the same time
he started sloughing again. He followed the Lady Sucker & Bros. to
torment uck.
- "Hey Lady Sucker", he said to the Lady Sucker, "I'm following
you to carve the uck."
- "Okayy", said the Lady Sucker. They wandered for two years and
finally they arrived at the big gate of Uckland.
- "Choolahop", said Fish Scale Bengt.
- "WHAT DO YOU WANT ?!!!", a guard was shouting in the gate.
- "Carve uck." said Fish Scale Bengt.
- "They like that", said the guard in the gate, "so come right in.
Just open the gate and enter the Realm of the Ucks." The Lady Sucker &
Bros opened the gate with the guard inside.
- "How can there be room for you in the gate ? It's only 5 cm
thick ?", asked Bros. While he was waiting for an answer, Fish Scale
Bengt went home again, because he wanted to KILL, not amuse the ucks.
- "Uckiuckiuckiuckiuck", an uck said to Bros. Then Bros went home.
The Lady Sucker was m?ljing with the skate and carved ucks until he
lost his suck, broke down and drowned in the swamp.
5
Back at the house Bengt sat, whistling a hit by Torsson, poking
his navel and having a good time.
In the forest was heard a mysterious sound. WIRR WIRR. Closer and
closer. WIRR. - "What could it be", thought Bengt. Suddenly he saw a
TV. On the TV they showed the Traffic Magazine with Christer Gnelling,
demonstrating a Volvo Duet -62. It had a worn disc brake sounding WIRR
WIRR all the time. Suddenly the broadcast was interrupted:
- "Hi and wellcome ta His Pirate TV. Now I'm gonna show ya a show
with Berit in Smoked Herring Hill." It was His who had turned the
batteries backwards in Bros (the Lady Sucker's brother, the new
Electrolux of Trulsa in the Turn (the Swamp)). He had rigged the tube
of Bros and pointed it on Berit who was exposing herself on the kitchen
sofa along with Jan the Rooster and a rolling-pin. Bengt was confused
and dropped all his scales. It was true that Berit was quite like a
Volvo Duet -62, but it was the rolling pin that confused Goose Skin
Bengt so. It was in fact the same rolling pin that Moose Skin Helga had
chased him with four years ago when he first came to His cabin. Now the
rolling pin seemed to be in a much more comfortable environment.
Speaking of that, or so, Goose Skin Bengt noticed that he was hungry.
- "I wonder if there's something left of that yummy mishmash ?
Perhaps even with those smashing green threads ?" While Bengt was
dreaming His switched channel, since Berit had finished both the
rooster and the rolling pin. He changed to making violence films in
which he appeared (in disguise, of course). Unfortunately his
Electrolux was too realistic with the result of blood splashing in the
living-room at Lisa-Stina's. Lisa-Stina was so angry that she reported
His to the Radio Inspection Committee. In that moment Okie revealed his
true identity: He was a TV possession tracer for the telephone company.
Since neither His nor Bengt had payed their TV licenses for the last
492 years, Okie became angry. Okie called the police and after a while
the mean police alias Fatso appeared. Clomp clomp it sounded as Fatso's
shoes size 107 hit the ground.
- "Aaarrrggghhh !!!", Fatso roared. Bonk bonk it sounded as his
big baton smattered against Bengt's and His heads. The Goose Skin fell
off.
- "Mercy", prayed Snake Skin Bengt.
- "Wrrooaauuurrrggghh!!!", bellowed Fatso and brought His and
Bengt to the police station. There sat Okie, filling in a report.
- "Here we judge people without trial", said Fatso, "you'll have
this cell. I may release you sometime. If I feel like it."
- "Boohoo", cried His and Snake Skin Bengt. Then a voice was heard
from the cell next to theirs.
- "Holy rabbit eyes, Batman" was softly heard through the wall.
- "BATMAN", yelled His and Bengt in chorus and a batwhisk came
through the wall and the DYNAMIC DUO jumped in.
- "Shit and snuff", said Boy Wonder, "this ain't the Bacon."
- "Oh no ! He's tricked us again, that great Bacon." said Batman,
"Now he's burgling at Trulsa in the Swamp instead. We gotta get the new
Electrolux before him."
His and Bengt slided through the hole and set off towards the
cabin to get axes, because now they would get revenge on Fatso and
Okie, damn it ! It turned out that Fatso and Okie had joined the Bacon
to help him burgling. When "THE DYNAMIC QUARTET" came to the scene of
the crime, the villains were already tied up by the handy Electrolux
Bros, so it was just to call the police chief, who remitted His and
Bengt's TV licenses by pure joy.
- "Holy Lady Suckers", said Robin, "now we gotta set off."
- "Yes", said BATMAN, "now we'll chase the apalling Dr. Fruit."
With these words they fluttered away on their strong batwings.
6
- "That was that", said Snake Skin Bengt, "shall we go shopping in
town now ?"
- "Town, what's that ?", wondered His who hasn't been out so much.
Then Bengt called the Street Office, who came and smacked up a tube
station at Trulsa in the Swamp (the Turn). Since the tube station
construction took a while they had time for lunch first. After lunch
they both went and bought a day card each for the tube. Then they went
to the big city of Crap. When they came to the big city of Crap it was
completely empty.
- "Where are all the people ?", asked Bengt.
- "Something awful must have happened", said His.
When the two heroes came to the square they saw something terrible: The
awful Challenge had landed.
- "Yeck, blaaah, a challenge terminal", moaned Bengt. His went up
to one of the terminal's Lego buttons and tried to press it. Suddenly
the Challenge terminal swallowed His, there were only a few bytes left.
- "Help", Bengt screamed so the snake skin shrinked, "you've eaten
my best friend. Whatch yourself or I'll send for the big mean PS/2.",
Bengt without skin continued, "And now you tell me where all people
are, or I'll log you off. "
- "Never !"
- "Now you're gonna speak, plastic pot !", Bengt without skin
roared smashing his fist onto the Challenge keyboard. The terminal
rattled and out came all the people who were inside because they had
stuck in a file buffer. Out from the Challenge came the most mysterious
people Bengtie had ever seen. One of them was one meter tall and
suddenly exclaimed:
- "Hey my name is Alf and I'm stuck on Earth, I can't get back to
my place of birth. I'm making the best of a bad situation, think of it
as an extended vacation."
It was the vacuum cleanel salesman from Kuala Lumpur who had been
eaten first of all and learned a new language, and retrained himself as
a prophet. He was quite thin and hairy, though. Alf the prophet said:
- "The end is near!", on which the Universe exploded.
7
- "Good", said His who had just exited the Challenge, "she was the
ugliest hooker of this town. Now I wanna go to the cinema. Then we'll
go to the restaurant, because the food on this hotel was no good."
He wasn't at all as silent and modest as he used to be. Egg Shell Bengt
was very confused. His continued:
- "And I wanna go to the amusement park and I wanna drive a car,
but first I gotta get a driving license and I'm gonna go to the barber
and get a cool hairdo and I'm gonna get dressed for success and..."
- "Wait", yelled Bengt with the shell, "take it easy."
- "And I wanna get a hobby and and ..."
Thud ! it sounded as Egg Shell Bengt's right fist hit His chin
with a force of 500 N.
- "That's it! That sure shut him up."
Bengt made their way through the masses while Alf had to carry the
unconcious His. The crowd was huge and Egg Shell Bengt and Alf had to
force their way through, enduring great exhaustion. Suddenly their way
was blocked by a gang of big and hairy slobs who obviously thought that
our heroes were carrying something valuable.
- "Hold it right there !", said the biggest slob.
- "Howdy", said Alf, "are we family, hairy idols ?"
- "Yeah", said Snotlens, the biggest slob.
- "Do ya wanna follow us home to Bengt's and watch TV ???", asked
Alf.
- "YEAH!", shouted the slobs and they were happily leaping away,
forgetting His on the square. When His woke up it was in the middle of
the night and all he saw was 300 orange Volvo l42's circling the square
over and over again. "That looks funny", thought His and went up to one
of the 'cars'.
- "Can I join you too ?", said His.
- "Are you begging for trouble, huh ?", said a disgusting slimy
fat and ugly man in the Volvo.
- "Who are you ?", said His.
- "I'm Rutger the rocker", said Rutger the rocker. It turned out
that Rutger wasn't dangerous at all. He worked in a paper-mill and was
kinder than a hen. The rocker and His took the car and went home to His
cabin. Alf and his Tartar-looking cousins were already there, and
rockers and tarts don't fit together as we already well know. On the
other hand, they gladly sit together, so Rutger and His also sat down
by the TV.
- "I'll get some snacks", said Egg Shell Bengtie who didn't really
want to sit so crowdedly because of the shell that he was temporarily
wearing. He fetched the green hairy rests of the mishmash and was just
about to pass round the bowl when someone yelled:
- "Wait, I wanna see TV too. Put me on the table so I can see."
- "Who said that", wondered Rutger the rocker.
- "Not me", said Bengt, whose shell seemed loose.
- "Not me", said His.
- "Not me", said Alf and his cousins in one voice.
- "And not me", said Rutger the rocker.
- "I wanna see TV too", said the voice again. Over the edge of
bowl came two green hands.
- "Hi, I'm Mould-Parson", said a green hairy creature, "It's fine
that ya forgot ta wash the bowl of mishmash so that I was born, thank
ya very much."
- "You're welcome", said His, "it was nothing." Now when all that
was fixed they could all watch TV.
- "Yippee", said Alf, "I'm on TV again !"
It was Alf who pointed the vacuum cleaner tube at himself. For three
quarters of an hour he had a smashing show in front of the tube. Bengt
was laughing so that the shell was fragmented and fell off.
- "Now I'll turn on coffee", said Bengt and went into the room
beside, where Coffee lived. When Meat Bengt passed Alf's hairy cousins,
they were so terrified by Meat Bengt's appearance that they disappeared
in a cloud of oily smoke.
8
Suddenly there was a knock on the door and His went to open it.
Bang bang bang ! was heard from the door. It was a mad killer from
Texas. He killed His and went into the TV-room, where he shot Alf,
Bros, Rutger and Mould-Parson to death. Unfortunately a ricochet hit
the killer, so he died too.
9
Meanwhile, Bengtie had finished turning on Coffee and carrying out
the rest of his mission. They came to the TV-room and saw the mess. It
was only Alf the vacuum cleanel salesman's vacuum cleaner who was
alive, so Bengtie, who now had spruce bark, told the cleaner to suck up
the dead instead of sucking itself.
- "Wait a minute ... now I'm finished", said the cleaner
whereafter it efficiently removed all the rags in the house. Unfortu-
nately some parts of the house happened to be sucked too, making the
house uninhabitable forever.
- "Oh dear, oh dear !", sighed Spruce Bark Bengt and left the
house. He was so sad about all that had happened that he didn't mind his
step and he was walking right towards his well. A scream was heard all
over the countryside when Bengt with the spruce bark fell into the well.
- "I'm gonna drown", he thought, falling deeper and deeper, but
that didn't come true because the well was drained. Bonk ! it sounded
as Bengt's body was brought against the bottom of the well.
- "Choo flute !", said Bengt, "no water."
- "What's this ?", he thought, making the spruce bark creak,
"here's a tunnel". He entered the tunnel. It was pitch dark. He crawled
for what seemed to be an eternity. Now the tunnel leant upwards and
soon Spruce Bark Bengt had a trap door above his head. He opened it and
looked out. There he saw a gallery with lots of people, an ugly
orchestra that was playing ugly music and two particularly stupid
persons.
- "What are you doing here ?", asked the one.
- "Where do you come from ?", asked the other.
- "Where am I ?", asked Spruce Bark Bengt.
- "This is a live broadcast of Zick Zack.", they said to Bengt
while a close-up of him was broadcast all over Sweden. His mug was seen
on the screen for less than five seconds before he puked all over it
because of Monica Dominique?u?ue's mug. With a tasty jet coming from
his mouth he turned towards her and decorated her with a cosy
substance. At once she looked much nicer than Pa who was standing
beside. - "5", said Rolle who was tonight's guest star.
- "BINGO", yelled Bengt with his pukes splashing all over the
studio.
- "I can play ice hockey", said Rolle giving Bengt a whole bag of
pucks.
- "Hurrah", said Bengt and then he and Rolle sang "Rosen" ("The
Rose") by Arne Quick in a sweet Duet. Then Rolle stepped on the gas and
drove out to the life through a studio wall. When the Duet reached the
speed of 200 km/h it suddenly became a time machine and Bengtie and
Rolle went back to the feudal age.
- "Oh Shit", said Bengtie, "now were stuck in a mud field, how are
we gonna pump up the Duet into 200 km/h."
- "It'll be all right", said Rolle, "let's go for a walk."
He had never said so much before in his life, so he was totally
exhausted and fell asleep in the Duet (model -62 of course). Bengt went
up to a peasant who was close by and asked why the hell the grew mud on
the field.
- "We use it for building houses", answered the dumb peasant.
- "You'll get much better houses with concrete", Spruce Bark Bengt
told him, slowly sloughing again. He felt in his pocket and found some
seeds for instant concrete, that had slipped in there while he fell
into his well (that he had on the yard of the late His).
- "Here you have some seeds, try them."
- "Oh thank you very much, I'll sow them at once." So he did and a
few minutes later a real concrete autobahn had emerged from the mud
field.
- "But Bengt", said Rolle, "how are we gonna get the car up on the
road."
- "I'll fix it", said Bengt. He took some pieces of his dissolving
spruce bark and put them under the wheels of the Duet and drove it up
on the road.
- "Hold it !", said a man in charge of a squadron of armed
soldiers, "what in the name of the law are you doing? Where does this
come from ?", he said pointing at the motorway.
- "We just sowed some seeds", said Bengt.
- "Aha", said the man, "witchcraft, sorcery, evil spirits, you
must be in alliance with Satan !!!"
- "On no", said Rolle, "were just from the twentieth century."
- "Liars !!!", shouted the man, "I sentence you to DEATH !!!"
- "Your bodies will be cut into pieces and spread out to feed the
vultures. Soldiers, arrest them !!!"
- "Time to scram, huh", Rolle said to Banana Peal Bengt.
- "All right. Bye bye folks, nice meeting you", said Banana Peal
Bengt stepping on the gas.
Vroom !
After a while they wre flying in time again. At the end of the
1400th century Bengt pushed out Rolle somewhere in N?rke. (At a small
lake (so he wouldn't hurt himself)) When he closed the car door he got
stuck with his fringe in it. With great effort he released it again
which made him very happy. 15 minutes before his house was destroyed he
stopped the car and got out, put a brick on the gas pedal and waved
goodbye to the Duet. Happy for seeing Coffee again he ran far out in
the forest to pick morels. His skin started to grow out again. Suddenly
a strange scent could be smelled behind Moss Bengt.
- "It smells like coffee", said Bengo. And of course it was Coffee
who came running. Coffee looked terrified when he saw Moss B.
- "But you just turned me on", said Coffee.
- "Sure, but now I'm here.", said Bengtie, "let's go and watch TV,
shall we ?"
- "YEEEAAAHHH !", yelled Coffee. Thus did they go to the house and
got back just in time to stop the suction of the house, then they sat
down to watch Zick Zack.