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MAKING YOUR SERVICEMAN FEEL WELCOME
1. Do not call for service until everyone that uses the machine has
had a chance to correct the problem. Whenever possible, all controls
and adjusting screws should be turned.
2. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a
major emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best
but anytime after 4 pm is fine.
3. The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay.
Make it clear how desperately you need the machine and ask when it
will be back in service.
4. The machine should be practically inaccessible due to boxes of
recycled computer paper and cards. Make certain that the lights are
off in the room where the machine is located and no one is oin the
area that knows how to turn them on. Always have one or two half-cups
of coffee lying about.
5. Hide the service history log. Keep making refrence to the man who
was here for the same problem last week.
6. Alert all personnel that the serviceman has arrived so that each
one can drop by and give their version of what is wrong, and provide
suggestions on how to fix it.
7. Have at least eight graduate engineers drop by to ask highly
technical questions which are in no way related to the immediate
problem.
8. Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never
seen the machine before is preferred. And one who can keep up a
steady stream of chatter is a plus.
9. Wait until there are parts and pieces spread out all over the
floor, then ask when the machine will be ready.
10. Wait until the service man is looking at a schematic diagram and
then ask him "what that thingamabob is for." After you have his
attention, ask again when it will be fixed and mention that "time is
money, you know."
11. When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did.
Tell him the job should be swell-- it took long enough.
12. Ask the serviceman what the rates are, and then ask for a
discount because you are such a good customer.
13. After he is gone, call his supervisor and say the machine is
worse now than before. Follow up with a letter and copies to the home
office.
14. Follow these rules faithfully and remember the serviceman's
motto: "DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY CAN DO IT TO YOU."
15. Computer hardware is like an erect penis: It stays up if you
don't fuck with it.