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How To Know You're Growing Older
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "Twenty years ago today."
You turn out lights for "Economic rather than romantic reasons."
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes you made, Resisting temptation.
Your 17 around the neck, 52 around the waist, and 106 around the golf course.
Your back goes out more than you do.
A fortune teller, offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.
The little old gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You sink your teeth in a steak, and they stay there.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You get your exercise acting, as a pallbearer, for your friends who exercise.
You know all the answers but nobody asks you any questions.
You no longer grit your teeth at night, you don't sleep in the same room.
When you see your reflection, you wonder why the old person is
staring at you.
Your teeth are like the stars, they come out at night.
Your hair piece, went bald too.
Your age is more than your waist.
The candles at your bithday party cost more than the cake.
By law, a fire extinguisher must be present, when they light your candles.
You are older than your doctor.
Joints that were soft, stay stiff, muscles that got stiff, now stay soft.
When you quit lying about your age, and now brag to everyone how old you are.
When you no longer have enemies, they have all died.
When you catch women, but can't remember why you were chasing them.