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THE IRRATIONAL INQUIRER - HEADLINES Our clone is possessed! New Jersey couple discovers awful truth in attic of Secaucus summer home. MS-DOS is tool of the devil! Israeli spy discovers secret pact. Big Blue to supply Kadaffi with unlimited PC's. Do we believe this? "I will launch IBM's unless if provoked!" PLO leader promises. Imelda yachts to West Coast Computer on shopping spree. Buys two copies of Lotus 1-2-3 and gives new meaning to "double-entry bookkeeping". Detained by Honolulu customs for taking big Risc, disguised as 17 cu. ft. frost-free refrigerator. Boy George goes Unix. Tours with Vienna Boys Choir. Donnie and Marie refuse to book him at Mormon Tabernacle. Goodbye, Mrs. Chips. Insulin attacks cookie Queen. Field gives upchocolate for 64k memory chips. Will sell CP/M computers by the pound -- with or without nuts. Liz & Queen go head to head. Sotheby's in London reports that Liz Taylor has purchased the world's only mainframe tiara with 64,000K(arats) of memory. Taylor won't wear it until her next appearance on "General Hospital." Zealots attack Jews. Falwall and Farrakind accuse Moses of bringing only 10k down from Mt. Sinai. "What happened to the rest of it?" they charge. Nancy Reagan strains national debt with latest buy. Gucci warm boots rouse Green Peace. No fox for First Lady's feet, they stamp. "My ex-IBM came back from the dead and raped me." Divorcee details horrifying afterlife experience with help of Dr. Ruth. Ms-Dos undergoes sex change: Now Mr-Dos. H-P Gets the Da's: Soviets will launch LaserJets to match Reagan's Star Wars. Collins dynasty collapses. Jackie's new book, Hollywood Drives, nosedives on bestseller lists. "A HARD disk is good to find," snaps sister Joan. Send in the Clones, Judy sings. Mondale calls Reagan closed box. White House Press Secretary admits President operating with only 64k memory. Bethesda naval hospital doctors suggest adding expansion cards for the sake of national security. Street beat: Warren Beatty slips disk and goes floppy on Hollywood Blvd. Jackie-O hounded by peripheral paparazzi on Park Avenue. Memory-starved RAM butts user groupie to death. (New pix: sheep) Wall Street expects crash hit comedy from Marx Brothers: MS-DAS CAPITAL. (Pix: Scott & Dave with biegelpusses) Don't wait for Comdex! Order your Nautilus keyboard today! Aerobic 60 lb springs back up each key. Pound your way to bigger biceps. End ugly wrist fat forever. Bonus! Act now and get free set of finger weights to prevent keyboard burnout. Give him a knuckle sandwich for lunch. (Pix: lady body builder's arm) Lady Di reveals tragic secret. Prince has multimates. The palace had only this to say: How d-basing! Extraterrestial marries plotter in bizarre peripheral ritual. Megabyte diet brings Orson Wells back to life: cRAM chips nosh. MS-DOS cancer link uncovered. Doctors at Clone Kettering advise 8 bits is enough. 8 more can only pile up in liver and cause C-rosis. Kadoda Data. Carol Kadoda dismembered at IBM Product Center. Gruesome death suggests possible tie to serial port killer. Stonehenge: First CP/M computer? Geoffrey Smythe-Jones, age 6, from Sussex, England, turned over a stone at the primordial site to discover a message from the ancients: B-DOS error. IBM Junks Jr. Recent urinanalyses of programmers at their Boca Raton headquarters reveal startling new evidence. No drugs, but an abnormal degree of Twinkie and Frito particles were found surging through employee bloodstreams. Is ITT, bakery divison, Jr. Killer? Hostess calls it junkie excuse. KKK is guilty! Ole Miss coed spills her guts out. Has lived with the shame for 20 years. Kay "Jones" admits she's illegitimate love child of computer company kingpin and cosmetics queen. Will assume rightful name with hyphen: Kaye Kay-Kay. CP/M Abusers Guide gets the axe. Child silently mangled in Quietwriter tractor feed. Jerry Ford falls off Leading Edge in Palm Springs and slips discs. Rushed to Betty Ford Clinic to have his heads repaired. What to do when your mega-hertz...Doctor has startling suggestion: Easy DOS it. ---------------------------------------------------------------- The National Intruder is published once in a lifetime, thank god, Staff Writers: Daniel & Toni Will-Harris, and Ron Gold who are solely irresponsible for it's content. Copyright 1986 Daniel Harris