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Chapter 7
EPITAPHS, FAMOUS LAST WORDS
Miscellaneous
The ashes of a person after cremation weigh about 4 pounds.
Alexander the Great's body was submerged in honey. Honey
does not disintegrate and is a hermetic seal.
Tibetians used to cut their dead into pieces and offer the
bits as food to birds. This custom was practiced until only about
forty years ago.
Mary, Queen of Scots was executed. The method was
decapitation by axe. Evidently the axe wasn't very sharp, since
the executioner had to hit her again and again fifteen times until
her head came off.
In the Renaissance era, people who were condemned to
execution had to bribe their executioners to do a quick and
merciful job.
The Nazi's thought the guillotine needed improvement. The
version that the used had the victims lay face up with the eyes
propped open so that they wouldn't miss seeing anything.
Epitaphs
This epitaph can be found in Storrington Churchyard, England:
"Here lies the Body of Edward Hyde.
We laid him here because he died.
Mary Keith Marshall's epitaph is in a graveyard in Kentucky:
"She was good
but not brilliant;
Useful but
not great."
King Robert III of Scotland wanted this epitaph: (He also
requested to be buried in an anthill.)
"Here lies the worst king and the most miserable man
in the kingdom."
This is the epitaph of Ellen Shannon which speaks for itself:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive
Burning Fluid."
John Brown, a dentist's epitaph:
Stranger! Approach this spot
with gravity!
John Brown is filling
his last cavity."
This one was from a woman who had never married:
"No hits, no runs, no heirs."
This epitaph was written for a young baby:
Ope'd my eyes, took a peep;
Didn't like it, went to sleep."
William Shakespeare's epitaph:
"Good friend, for Jesus' sake forbear, to dig the dust
enclosed here! Blessed be the man that spares these
stones, and cursed be he that moves my bones."
Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr's epitaph:
"Free at last, free at last,
thank God Almighty I'm free at last."
W.C. Fields' epitaph:
"On the whole I would rather be in Philadelphia."
George Bernard Shaw's epitaph:
"I knew if I stayed around long enough, something like
this would happen."
Famous Last Words
Pablo Picasso's last words were, "Drink to me."
On February 14, 1884, an artist was painting President
Franklin D. Roosevelt, who announced, "Well, we've got fifteen
minutes more to work." He then died of a stroke.
The last thing Lou Costello did was eat a strawberry ice
cream soda. The last thing he said was, "That was the best ice
cream soda I ever tasted."
Perhaps the most famous last words in all history were spoken
by Major general John Sedgwich in the Civil War battle of
Spottsylvania. He said, "Why, they couldn't hit an elephant at
this dist..."
On the Fourth of July, 1826, exactly 50 years after signing
the Declaration of Independence, the American President John
Adams' last words were, "Thomas Jefferson still survives." He was
wrong. Thomas Jefferson died the same day.
Leonardo da Vinci's last words were, "I have offended God and
mankind because my work didn't reach the quality it should have."
H.G. Wells last words were, "Go away, I'm all right!" He
couldn't have been further from the truth.
The last thing P.T. Barnum wondered about as he lay dying
was: "How were the circus receipts today at Madison Square
Garden?"
Last words of Carl Panzram, mass murderer: "I wish the whole
human race had one neck and I had my hands on it."
James Rogers, when standing before his firing squad was asked
if he had a last request. He answered, "Why, yes, I'd like a
bulletproof vest."
William Palmer was sentenced to the gallows. As the rope was
put around his head and he stood on the trap door in the floor he
asked, "Are you sure it's safe?"
Dominique Bouhours, a grammarian, had these last words: "I am
about to - or I am going to - die: either expression is used."
The physicist James Croll wanted a glass of Scotch. He
stated, "I don't think there's much fear of me learning to drink
now."
The last words of Fontenelle were, " I suffer nothing, but
feel a sort of difficulty in living longer."
The last words of Benjamin Franklin: "A dying man can do
nothing easy."
The last words of King Louis XVIII. "A king should die
standing."
The Thing Lord Thurlow said was, "I'll be shot if I don't
believe I'm dying."
The last words of Georg Wilhelm Hegel: "Only one man
understood me ... and he didn't understand."
The big-time gangster Arnold Rothstein was asked who shot
him. Keeping faithful to the gangster tradition of secrecy even
as he was dying, he said, "Me mudder did it."