💾 Archived View for spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › deathhem.txt captured on 2023-06-14 at 17:09:00.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM
_________________________________________________________________
To: All Personnel Date: April 1, 1985
From: The Management Copies:
Subject: Standard Procedure on Death of Employee
It has been brought to the attention of the management of this
company that many employees have been dying while on duty for no
good reason. Furthermore, it also appears that some employees
are refusing to fall over after they have died. This, in some
cases, has resulted in unearned overtime payments which are not
provided for under our employee benefit program.
Effective immediately, this practice must be discontinued!
On and after today, any employee found sitting up after he/she
has died will be dropped from the payroll at once, without
further investigation. This action is covered by Company
Regulation #20 (non-productive labor).
When it can be proven that the employee is being held up by a
desk, typewriter, drawing board, telephone, or any other means of
support which is the property of the company, a one (1) day
period of grace will be granted.
In the event of apparent death, the following procedures will be
strictly adhered to:
1. If, after several hours, it is noted that any employee has
not moved or opened at least one eye, the department head
will investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature
and/or origin of some employees and because of the close
resemblance between death and their normal working attitude,
the investigation will be made quietly so as to avoid waking
the employee if he/she is asleep (which is, of course,
permitted under present union contracts).
2. If some doubt still exists as to the true condition of the
employee, a pay check will be used as the final test. If
the employee fails to reach for the check, it is reasonable
to assume that death has occurred. Note that in some cases
the instinct is so strongly developed that a spastic
clutching may occur even after death; do not be misled by
this manifestation.
3. In the event that an employee fails to abandon whatever
he/she is doing at Coffee Break time, no investigation is
necessary as this is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has
already set in.
Press RETURN...