💾 Archived View for spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › fun › spam3hh.txt captured on 2023-06-14 at 16:40:21.
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3 Compliments Of =Purgatory BBS 3
3 (207)-866-2399 3
3 THE STORY OF SPAM VOLUME THREE AND A HALF AND A HALF 3
@DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY
NOTICE:
This story has been known to confuse people quite easily
so it is recommended that you return yourself to a
uncomfortable position so that you will be ready for any
shocks that you might receive reading this story. This story
also insults Twinkies.
And Ho-Hos.
And Ring Dings.
And the LipLess Wonder.
THE STORY SO FAR:
On a unusually boring day, Raphael Dareau, bored out of
his skull, decided that it would be a good time to log in to
something called NovaNET. Quite a few people say that this
incident was not exactly the most brillant thing to let
Raphael Dareau do, and some others say, "What possible harm
could he have done to the natural order of things? This sort
of thing is inevitable in any normal universe." And there is
a guy on top of a mountain in the middle of Nepal meditating
on this fact. He is quite unsure at this time. Anyway,
Raphael Dareau achieved signon-ness, and logged into NovaNET
shortly after the incident that caused the complete collapse
of the Maine NovaNET structure. It also marked the end of
something called the Matt Thomas era.
In the beginning, there was NovaNET. The entire history
of NovaNET upto the end of the Matt Thomas era was lost
because of a tragic headon collision between a blimp and a
submarine. Details of this incident are still classified,
but one of the investagating officers called it "The most
unique tragidies that has been known to mankind." However,
unlike The Story of NovaNET, which has merged with The Story
Of Spam, much is known about the history of Spam, from
beginning to end. The actual history of NovaNET before the
end of the Matt Thomas era is unfortunately held in the brain
of the person who made the era possible. However, from the
pieces from the wreckage of the blimp-submarine accident,
there were bits of Nova History that was recovered.
One day during the Matt Thomas era, The Bearded Wonder
was playing Avatar at CAPS for the first time. Little did he
know that one of the sinks in Neville Hall was used to
dispose of Biological Waste. This lovely stuff when coming
into contact with skin, caused the affected part of the body
to fall off. The Bearded Wonder walked into this particular
bathroom and filled the basin with water to begin washing his
face. He started washing his face, and then noticed that
water smelled funny. He screamed and was taken to the local
medical facility, where he was rejected and taken to a
chiropractor instead. The Chiropractor said that his back
was fine, but they could not rescue his lips. By then, the
lips had declared independence, and severed themselves from
the Murph-Unit and joined forces with the Deb. The gangreen
infection however, unfortunately, in The Bearded Wonder was
cured, and afther this tramatic incident, The Bearded Wonder
joined the Handicapped Lip Society, where he was quickly made
President.
All but the President part is just a theory. Even back
those ancient days, no one really knew what happened to
The Bearded Wonder, although the above is the most accepted
theory. Others are:
o The Bearded Wonder caught his lips in the windowsill,
vices, or other type of mechanical apparatus.
o The Bearded Wonder had gangreen of the lips.
o He cut them off on a dare or as initiation to some
group.
At the near end of the Matt Thomas era, Jim Troutman
climed Mt. Urbana and received a message from Felix, the God
of the NovaNET machines. He gave Jim some huge tablets of
the Commandments Of NovaNET, a waste many people said, as the
Commandments were available in the local area in paperback.
But Felix did not just give Jim a couple pounds of granite,
but he also gave him a warning. There existed a creature
called The Guardian Of The Lips which travelled with a local
deity called the Deb. Deb was in charge of the universe
called =maine, and Felix fortold of destruction and meyhem
was about to be put onto the people in this universe. Jim
did not know what to think, so he ignored it.
Then about 4 months later, The Deb and The Guardian Of
The Lips swooped down into =maine and began to kill signons
left and right, causing much panic. The only true one that
was ineffected by this action was Jim himself, for Felix gave
him an aurora that Deb and The Lips could not penetrate and
they kept bouncing off the aura everytime that they attacked
Jim. However, many were not so lucky -- in fact, Felix
laughed as The Lips chased and killed signons across the vast
lands of =maine. And for those who did survive, life was
just not the same. Term-Talk, otherwise known as the Tower
Of Babble, crumbled to the ground. Other features such as
Avatar and Talkomatic were disabled for periods of time,
keeping people at bay during the daytime hours. Slowly, but
surely, life in =maine began to slowly return to normal, and
as long as Deb was happy, everyone was happy.
Now before we make the connection between NovaNET and
Spam, here is a few things that everyone should know about
Spam.
Spam had its beginnings back in 1937 when Jay Hormel,
one of the major people of the Hormel Meat Company, found out
that several thousand extra pounds of pork shoulder existed
within one of their storehouses, and they had to find a quick
solution to get rid of it in anyway before the meat rotten
and caused a bigger mess than it already was doing. Jay
Hormel decided that it would be a good idea to have the meat
shipped to his secret laboratory. He took the meat and began
to mix different products into it. A big black puff of
smoke rose from one particular combination, and it caused
such a flash that Jay had to look away for a second. After
several seconds after the flash, he looked and saw a cubical
piece of meat that took the place of all the ingrediants that
he mixed together. Daringly, he tasted the product. It did
taste kinda strange, but it was not beyond all hope. In
fact, it tasted well enough that it would take care of the
extra meat that they had rotting in storage. He then began
to market it under Hormel luncheon meat, which many people
decided was the dumbest name to come into existance since
Fresca, so an emergency meeting was held to find a better
name for the new substance. The President declared that the
person who came up with the new name for the meat would
receive $100. Mady people sitting at that table pondered the
idea for a few minutes, then all of sudden, Kenneth Daigneau
stood up, yelled out "SPAM" and ran down the hallway.
Surprised, YET quick to adapt, the luncheon meat was forever
dubbed with that ever-holy name and most everyone saw that it
was good, as soon it achieved itself into its current
definition -- A meat substance that is consumed at the rate
of 3.8 cans per second and is sold in more thant 50
countries. The meat was so popular that Margaret Thatcher
ate it for Christmas dinner in 1943 and Nikita Khrishchev
called it one of the only things to keep the Soviet Army
alive.
Then 50 years later, Spam had a birthday. The luncheon
meat was featured in Minnesota and in many different ways --
a luncheon that featured an "all you can eat" Spam Breakfast
for $1.99. Also, there were Spam Pizzas and Spam submarine
sandwitches (which is not what crashed into the Blimp, or was
it?). There was also a Spam eating contest where contestants
were times as they ate a 7-ounce can of Spam. Fingers were
the only utensils that were allowed during the contest and
they could only drink a 7 ounce glass of water. There was
also a Spam sculpting contest where artist were "free" to
express themselves. Also, this jamboree featured the Spam
recipe contest, with live bands, and bicycle and foot races.
Also, A Spam King and Queen were chosen.
What kind of connection does this have with anything,
you might ask yourself. It started with NovaNET with
something like this.
Laecretius, a powerful sorcerer under the control of
Raphael Dareau, was cruising around level 14 in a NovaNET
game called Avatar
[UNFINISHED]