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[%] TPR/The Phrozen Realm [%]
[%] Presents: [%]
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[%] The complete story of how to [%]
[%] become elite in 514. [%]
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[%] Typed in by: [%]
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[%] Mechanix [%]
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NOTE: Even though this file is distributed with HDK #4, it consitutes
a serious text, and I will once again stand behind everything
said in it. Enjoy.
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Well, this is the first HDK submission printing. I will continue
doing this if people send texts in to me. Anyways, enjoy this, but I doubt
you will, since most of you will feel especially targeted in this one. And
also, no 'flipper' writting in this one, it's meant to be readable.
%Introduction:
Well, this file goes out to all you so called 514 elites out there.
This focuses on you pirates, hackers, phreakers and others who basically
have no idea how useless you really are. So if you feel offended by
anything you read here, chances are I hit the nail on the head. For the
others, keep reading, it should be great fun.
%Credit:
A lot of credit goes out to the following people and organizations
for inspiring me through this text. All users on TPR for helping me make
fun of the pirate scene, the Neon Knights, Metal Communications, VAS, and
all the other groups who realeased files on the lamers of the world, it
was great fun.
.-------------------------------------.
| The complete history of a 514 elite |
`-------------------------------------'
Well it all starts out on some special day like christmas. This is
when all the little boys and girls get there presents. Well, in this
story, let's take the example of a 15 year old boy, and let's call him
Max. Ok, so it's december 25th, and Max is so happy, he just got a new
computer that his parents gave him for school. It's probably something
like an Amiga or IBM PS/1, one of those family packages they advertise on
television for an outrageous sum of money. Anwyays, this is where our
story starts, because with this nice computer, the company also included a
super 2400 baud modem and a set of numbers to call. So Max says: "Woopee!
Neeto!" and runs to his room to install his computer. Well after about 9
hours of hard work, the family finally gets the thing working, and Max is
left to try out his new toy, since that's all this is for him, a toy.
First thing Max does is call up a few of the numbers he got with the
modem, most of them being the various Compuserve dialups in the country.
So he dials the phone number. It rings, picks up, and Max lifts the phone
and starts out: "Hello? Hello? I just got my modem and I..."
"Wooosshhhhh", the modem blasts in his ears. Max drops the phone and runs
crying to his father. They read the manual together, and Max realises the
modem will pick up on it's own. Well, after a few days, Max has spent
close to 24 hours a day on Compuserve, and spent close to $500 on his
fathers credit card, with CIS billing.
But one day, Max gets ahold of his first BBS number, most likely some
public domain system that requires membership. So he calls up. Then he
gets the all so famous Juxtaposition list. "Wowzerz, this is neet. Look at
all the numbers I can call! Yippie!". So Max spends close to four weeks
entering the complete Juxtaposition list in his Procomm dialing directory.
Of course, the first systems he calls are the ones with 'XXX' in the
description. Problem is that once he has all the GIFs, he has nothing left
to masturbate on. So he looks for the ones saying 'Games'. "Damn! There
aren't many". By this time, school is back on, so Max asks his friends for
places to get neeto games for his computer. One of his friends gives him
the number to a pirate board. Max can't wait, and almost wets his pants
waiting for school to finish so he can go play with his modem.
That night, Max dials up the pirate board. "Damn! It's busy". So he
leaves the modem on redial for about 2 hours, waiting for it to ring.
After 2 hours of staring at the Procomm redial box, it finally rings and
connects. Max, once again, almost wets his pants. Soon, the screen clears
and he sees:
Enter user name or 'NEW' for new users:
So Max types in:
Enter user name or 'NEW' for new users: 'NEW'
Unknown user, you may not access this system.
Enter user name or 'NEW' for new users:
Anyways, after 3 attempts at typing in 'NEW' with the quotes, he finally
tries it without. It works. (It takes a while for the hamster in his head
to start turning the wheel). Then he is prompted for a handle, or alias.
"Hmmm! This is Neeto! I can use a cool name!". After thinking for 20
minutes, and being logged off for inactivity, he applies as Captain Cool.
So then he leaves a new user message:
Hey! Hi! This place looks real cool. I got your number from a
friend in my class at school! Say's you have NEETO GAMES!!! I
want them all! My father just bought me this swell computer!
It's the best! I'm sure it's better than what you have! My dad
is the best! he has lots of money to get me cool software. So
if you want to be my friend, let me have all your games!!!!
Captain Cool
save
end
finish
help
sysop!!!!!
Then he hits enter until the maximum number of lines is reached and the
message saves itself. Well, most of the time, idiots like this get
deleted, but sometimes, the sysop is stupid enough not to care, so they
get on.
Well Captain Cool calls back every hour until he is finally validated
the next day. Then he goes straight to the files. After hitting '?' 300
times to figure out the menus, he downloads everything until his ratio
explodes. Then he tries to chat the sysop 8 times for more file ratio, but
no response. So he keeps trying to download, but it won't let him.
"Daddy!!!! The computer won't give me more games!!!!! Sniff". Then finally,
the sysop enters chat:
The sysop will chat with you now.
Sysop> Yes?
CC> Hey! Dude! How come I can't get no more files? I still have 20
minutes left!!!
Sysop> You're a 2400 lamer man!!! Get a real modem, and I'll give you
no-ratio!!!
Anyways, the sysop is as big an idiot as Captain Cool, but I did say this
was a pirate board. So Captain Cool goes crying to his father that he has
a shit modem, and that he can't play games and all. So his father goes out
and shells out $1000 for a 16.8k USR Dual Standard with all the options
imaginable. So after this, for a few weeks, Captain Cool roams through the
pirate boards, calling others off the bbs list, and leeches his brains
out. But now, it's summer, and Captain Cool can spend all day leeching
everything he sees. He also posts messages like the following:
Hi dudez! It's cool here! So what new games do you guys have?!!? I just
got Elite War Beta version 4.3 Full Realease!!! I phoned my friends and
they don't have it!! No way!!! It must be new!! And I have it! I'll send
it here if one of you wants to trade for something I don't have!!!
Please post me lots of mail!!! See ya dudezz!!!
Captain Cool.
Captain Cool also notices many 'warez' trends out there, and starts to
modify his signature accordingly. Here are some of the signatures he goes
through in a matter of days:
Capatin Cool
Kaptain Kool
---==== Kaptain Kool ====----
--=====%%%%>>> KaPTaiN K00L <<<%%%%=====--
---===>>>>> ]</-\Pt/-\In ]<00L <<<<<===---
And finally
---====####>>>> ]</-\Pt/-\In ]<00L <<<<####====---
SuPeR CRaCKeR PiRaTeS President!
K00l ANSi D00DEZ CouRRieR
Co-SySoP of Universal Warez World
Yes, Kaptain Kool had discovered groups and we must also point out that
his signature contained about 20 different ansi colors and animations.
By the middle of summer, Kaptain Kool's posts were looking like this:
(About 4 lines of spinning cursors on top)
D00dEz!!!!@$!@! JOin My K00L NeW GrOuP SuPeR CRaCKeR PiRaTeS [ScP]!!!
wE GeT aLL the P-FreZH NeW WArEZ FASTT!!! I G0T RadICaL SuRFinG 3D
ExpANsIoN MODUle, It's AWEsUM!!!@$@!! WiTh MY FAsTTT M0DEM I KaN GeT
WaREZ In UndER 0 SecUNdZ!!%@~! Kall UniVerSaL wArez WoRlD f0R 0 SEcUnD
WAReZ!$!!%!!%$ OnlY 9600++! No 24oo LAMerZ!!@!$@!$@ 24oo Are LamErz, Get
A reAL ModeM!@@!@!@$ Hahahahahahah!@!$#@!$
(Then a 2 minute ansi animation signature)
---====####>>>> ]</-\Pt/-\In ]<00L <<<<####====---
SuPeR CRaCKeR PiRaTeS President!
K00l ANSi D00DEZ CouRRieR
Co-SySoP of Universal Warez World
Well, by this time, Kaptain Kool was well on his way to become a real 514
elite. He has his 16,8k modem, his 400 meg hard disk has OS/2, Windows
3.1, and Desqview/X installed. He has every game ever released. Each time
he boots his machine, there are colors and windows popping all over the
screen. He has his new Sound Blaster Pro, and his new Gravis Joystick to
play all those neet warez with. He calls bbses 16 hours a day, and before
going to sleep makes a batch download for *.* so that it lasts all night
and he wakes up with 172 megs of new warez to play all day. Yes, Kaptain
Kool was truly happy being a 514 elite. Soon Kaptain Kool, and others of
his 514 elite friends, decided to set up boards, and then came a network.
Of course the boards had names like:
Universal Warez World
Gamez Factory
Super Elite Neeto BBS
And the network was an all 514 network, so you could reread the same lame
messages on 8 different 514 boards, just to make sure you could understand
the messages if you didn't the first 6 times. Also, the net got maybe 10
messages a day (about 2/board/day) and most of them were just elites
requesting some new piece of software or how to finish some game. This
would not matter, because most of these idiots spent more time logged on
locally to there board than all of the remote callers put together.
Occasionnaly someone normal would venture onto the net, but then the
elites would quickly react like this:
(10 lines of spinning cursors and cursor movement)
Hey!!! WhO iS THiS Guy?!!?!? Hey D00De!!! i HoPe you HaVe a KeWL 16.8k
M0DumB, oTHeRWiSe You aRe a LaMeR and KaNN0T B oN DiS ELiTEZ-ONLy
NeT!!!! Go aWay iF yOuZ DoN'T HaVe 0 SeCuNDZ WaReZ LiKe uS REAL
ELiTEZ!!!
---====####>>>> ]</-\Pt/-\In ]<00L <<<<####====---
SuPeR CRaCKeR PiRaTeS President!
K00l ANSi D00DEZ CouRRieR
SySoP oF SuPeR ELiTe NeeTo BBS
Co-SySoP of Universal Warez World
So the normal person would just rag on these elites for a while and leave
them to there pittiful little world. Also, turning back to the boards,
they would advertise them, always with some 50 line ansi, but this would
be the contents of the average add:
KaLL NoW!!@$!@!
SuPeR ELiTe NeeTo BBS!@$!$@!
96oo+ ONLy!@@!$!
No 24oo LaMeRZ!@@$!
0 SeCuND WaReZ!@#@!@!~!
1.2 GiGZ!!@!@!
ViSiON/X V.96 Beta 3 test 4.562 AlPHa SiTe!@@!@!!
SuPeR CRaCKeR PiRaTeS UHQ!@#!@
ANSi D00DeZ SiTe!#@#@!!
K-RaD ELiTe NeTWoRK!!$~!%!~!!!
514-T00-K00L
NuP: WaREZZZ!
No RaTio FoR LD CaLLeRZ!~!!~@!~!
Of course, by now, his rich daddy had bought him a 1.2 gig hard disk. Now,
the most important part of this add is the last line: "no ratio for LD
callers". This obvious desperate plea to make his board worthwhile was
caused by the fact that he had heard that there were other bbs callers
outside of 514. "Neeto!!! Wowzerzzz!!!" Kaptain Kool thought.
Well this attitude goes on all summer. Then one day, while Kaptain
Kool was scanning new messages on some other board, he noticed he needed a
password to access a message base called "H/P/V/C/A/T" (lame, but it was
another elite board, so...). He begged the sysop for the password, so much
in fact, that the sysop exchanged him the password for the number of K-RaD
WaReZ uNLiMiTeD BBS. So then began Kaptain Kool's downfall. With his new
password, Kaptain Kool logs on to the h/p base. There are 45 messages,
the first ones dating from 6 months ago. But what's this in message 3? A
PBX number! A code! Kaptain Kool had heard of these, but never saw a real
one. He quickly hits alt-h to drop carrier, and calls his friend to figure
out how to use them. Too bad Kaptain Kool didn't keep reading, since he
would have realised that already 4 people had been billed on that code,
and that was 2 months ago. So Kaptain Kool gains the knowledge to use his
new code. Now he is set! He calls up some board in the US, something with
5 nodes and 12 gigs, and of course has no problems getting in with his
16.8k modem and his 1.2 gigs of 0 second wares. Important to point out
that nobody cares how much you actually know, as long as you can upload
like a madman, effectively becoming a slave to the higher placed sysop. In
any case, Kaptain Kool keeps calling out, tying up his code for 6 hours a
day, and leeching even more games to play. By this time, Kaptain Kool has
gotten a really inflated ego, almost up to par with the current 514 elites
we all know and admire (not). Seeing the following messages has become
common in 514:
(16 lines and 3 minutes of cursor movements of all sorts)
HeY LuZZaS!!@~!@!@ I JuST GoT 100 MeGZ oF ToTaLLY K-FReSH NeW WaReZ F0R
ELiTeS oNLy!@!#@ aND i CaLL LD NoW@!@!@! i aM a ReaL K-RaD PHReaKeR aND
HaCKeR!!!@$@ I aM oN 56 oTHeR LD BoaRDS LiKe K0mPleTeLy ElIte HaNgaR,
and NiFTy WaREz Inc0rp0ratED!!!@#@#@!!! I DoN'T NeeD THiS SHiTTy BBS No
M0RE!$@@! I am ELiTE aND S00Pa PhREaKer@!#@!#@ I wuz On a K00l AllIANze
LasT NiGHT!@@!#@#@! We TalKED aBouT WiNG CoMMaNDeR 72 and ELiTE
StuPh!@!#@@#!@#! See THaT?@!? 'PH' Is HoW ReaL PhReaKERs Write The 'F'
S0Und!@!#@@# I'm K00l!#!@@ So I Don'T NeeD This ShiT BBS, I'm t00 k00l
and EliTE foR y0u!!!@@! FucK you ALL!@@!#@ LAMERZ!@#@!@!!!!@!
---====####>>>> ]</-\Pt/-\In ]<00L <<<<####====---
SuPeR CRaCKeR PiRaTeS President!
ELiTE PHReaKeRZ and HaCKeRZ MaSTeR!
K00l ANSi D00DEZ CouRRieR
SySoP oF SuPeR ELiTe NeeTo BBS
Co-SySoP of Universal Warez World
Kaptain Kool also joined a group that was a 514 bbs crashing group. They
took down public domain boards and pirate boards who didn't let them have
no-ratio. He wrote some trojans, the best of which was the following:
TROJAN.BAT
@Echo off
c:
cd\
del command.com
Echo HEY!!!! L0sEr!!!! yoU've BeeN KiLLEd bY BBS killerZ Inc.!@!#@!
Then he compiled the .bat into a .com file. Of course, Kaptain Kool still
tried to get on to real h/p boards, but since he didn't even know what
unix was, he was never accepted. Eventually, Kaptain Kool acquired a copy
of a scanner/hacker, something like Code Thief. So of course, Kaptain Kool
scanned all night looking for carriers and tones to get codes. He once
found a unix, but thought it was a bbs, and never figured out why he
couldn't put 'NEW' at the 'Login: ' prompt. He posted for help like this:
HeY Do0DeZ!!@#!@ I juSt SkAnnEd A UnIX DiAlUp, H0W Kan I aX-S IT!!@$!@!
But no one really cared about him on h/p boards, and none of the other 514
elites knew how to use unix, so he gave up. After 3 months of abusing the
same code, the local Bell office finally picked up on Kaptain Kool. He
never stopped to think that using a code for 6 hours a day, everyday,
might draw attention.
So one day Bell finally decided to prosecute, and the RCMP was sent
to search Kaptain Kool's house, and arrest him on a count of wire fraud.
Of course, once arrived, the RCMP was delighted to also find 600 tapes
full of copyright games to be able to add on a software piracy charge. In
any case, Kaptain Kool was prosecuted and sent to juvenile reform school
for 6 months (since he was a minor) and his parents fined $10,000 for the
long distance charges. In detention, Kaptain Kool pissed off a 6'5"
football player who killed the other team with his teeth, and when Kaptain
Kool refused to bend over for a hump, Kaptain Kool was found inside the
kitchen blender, his organs spinning in a circle in his own blood.
The moral of this story? Not really one, except that if you're a
stupid useless warez d00de, then you are useless. All you do is take up
space on this planet, and you will never be anything but a warez monger.
- END -
---09/20/92---------------------------------------------------------EOF------