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| Shadow Stories, Inc. |
| is proud to present |
| |
| "WWIII - a fantasy" |
| (Part 1 of 2) |
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LARGER THAN LIFE:
Enter stage west: one American president, by the name of Harold Gullifaver.
Well known for his startling portrayals of demented soap-opera stars, and also
great at parties for his imitations of Richard Nixon. Very conscientious in his
decisions of state, using Tarot cards, horoscopes, and Ouija sessions with his
cabinet.
Enter stage east: one Russian leader, Ivan Sarkov. Rose quickly in the ranks
of the party because of his penchant for "dead American" jokes, and by not
dying. His most subtle example of foreign policy was blackmailing the Prime
Minister of Bangladesh. Believes that the American imperialistic empire would
have long ago fallen if not for Calvin Klein jeans and "Coca-cola."
INTERNATIONAL CONSIDERATIONS:
The United States and Russia: two nations, much the same, except that the
U.S. calls its brand of pragmatic socialism "democracy," while Russia calls its
brand "communism," except while naming provinces, whereby they put "Democratic"
in the name to look good on maps. Both countries have massive stockpiles of
deadly weapons, but neither will use them, for fear that the other country's
counterattack would destroy the very foundations on which their brand of
pragmatic socialism rests.
BIGGER THAN A BREADBOX:
A small island, "Myopia," so small that even has not been lampooned on the
"Tonight Show." Chief export: guana fruit. Recipient of two tons of old
processed cheese from the United States, along with three out-of-date rifles
from the U.S.S.R. Latest rise in the standard of living: a phone booth was
installed in the town square, courtesy of AT&T. Unused because it requires
American coins, but nonetheless the hub of social activity in Myopia,
representing as it does Myopia entering the 20th century.
CROSSCURRENTS OF CONTROVERSY:
A Russian cleaning lady, deciding to call her relatives in East Germany,
decided to save money and use one of the KGB's phones, as the KGB never did, for
fear of being tapped by the United States. Somehow dialing the wrong number,
she did not receive an answer.
Somewhere in Myopia: Ring. Ring. Ring.
The CIA was extremely concerned at the latest report. A call had been made
from the KGB to a heretofore unknown country called "Myopia." The CIA chief,
Hans Offme, conferred with his advisors.
"As you can see, gentlemen, we have an event of untold proportions unfolding
even as we speak. There has been a communication from the KGB to Myopia, one of
our staunchest allies; we must decide now what action to take?"
"How about ignoring it? Who ever heard of Myopia, anyway?" said one foolish
aide.
"Demote yourself two ranks," yelled Hans Offme. "Don't you realize that this,
besides being another ploy of the communist countries, is a means of justifying
our latest budget? Why, just yesterday, one of our bugs picked up the President
asking why-in-hell our budget was so large."
"Maybe it's a defection, sir," replied one bright young man.
"Good, good. However, we do not have any agents in Myopia right now; that's
being rectified right now, you can be sure. If it is not a defection, why, it
must be... Jones, get our manual out, and look up 'Major Catastrophes to Watch
For.'"
"Hmmm... page 2097... one moment, sir," mumbled Jones. "Okay, here we go.
Number 1 is 'defection,' but we've cleared that out. Number 2: 'Budget cut.'
Nope, sorry, that's marked 'domestic only,' along with number 3, 'Embarassment
to the agency.' This is it, sir, number 4: 'Foreign invasion of an ally.'"
"Invasion!" cried Hans. "Contact the President at once!"
MONOTONOUS MEDIA MOMENTS:
"I have just learned today that the evil Russian empire, once again attempting
to thwart our eventual goal of a democratic society across the world, has plans
to invade one of our staunchest allies, Myopia. I would like to let the great
American people know that this latest overt act by Russia will not go
unnoticed."
RUSSIAN REPRISALS:
Ivan, hearing the President's broadcast, was extremely disconcerted. Calling
in his advisors, he demanded an explanation.
"What is the meaning of this! Why has our invasion of Myopia been
discovered?"
"We aren't invading Myopia, sir."
"What! Why not?"
"It's an insignificant little country in Asia, not meriting the propaganda
drive that would be needed to glorify its invasion."
"Why do the Amerikans believe that we are invading it, then?"
"I don't really know, sir. Perhaps the Amerikans are using this as a smoke
screen to cover up a subversion of their own."
Ivan, hearing this, was wrathful. "To quote a great Russian philosopher:
the wise man does not stand passive while the manure truck unloads upon him."
MONOTONOUS MEDIA MOMENTS:
"I have just learned today that the evil American empire, once again
attempting to thwart our eventual goal of a communistic society across the
world, has plans to invade one of our staunchest allies, Myopia. I would like
to let the great Russian people know that this latest overt act by America will
not go unnoticed."
TENSIONS INCREASE:
The President, hearing the latest Russian speech, countered with two 'evil
empires,' one 'domino theory,' and three 'our forces stand ready.'
Ivan Sarkov, seeing this, countered with three 'imperialistic dogmatic
swine-bearing drooling pigs,' and then raised the pot with 'U.N. action,' and
threatened with 'our glorious military forces.'
The President increased tension with 'you slime-hipped refuge of WWII,' while
Sarkov retaliated with 'you large nosed sniveling actor with delusions of
adequacy.'
The President responded with 'embargo,' and finally stated, 'No more Calvin
Kleins for you, fella.'
WWIII had started.
EUROPEAN VACATION:
"Sir, I just received an order from Ivan Sarkov himself, sir. He commands the
Warsaw pact to invade."
"What!?"
"We are to invade, sir."
"Invade!? Invade what?" cried Karkov.
Karkov Cherovankev, the Warsaw pact leader, had reached his exalted position
because of his ability to recite all of the Party credoes and mottos perfectly.
"I'm not quite sure, sir. Sarkov did not exactly specify. Perhaps Western
Europe, sir?"
"Western Europe!? Are they insane? We could get killed!"
"I realize that, sir."
"Are you quite sure about that order?"
"I think so, sir."
Karkov thought quickly, realizing that out-and-out disobeying the order would
lose his his dacha in Moscow, but nonetheless realizing that getting killed
would lose him his dacha in Moscow. "Hmm... we will use our first wave forces
to tactically analyze the enemy strength. Send an army in."
"One army, sir?"
"Don't want to overkill, do we? Yes, send one in. Send in Third Glorious
Revolutionary 'Marxist Mongers.'"
"Yes, sir."
"Sirs, I have just received a report from the front line. It seems that we're
being invaded."
"What!? We aren't being invaded," cried General Grudger.
"I'm sorry, sir, we are. By the Russians, sir."
General Grudger had acquired his rank by virtue of his ability to obtain any
pornographic magazine, no matter where he was stationed or how obscure the
magazine. In addition, his ability to deny reality, despite all empirical
evidence to the contrary, had helped him rise through the ranks.
"No, we aren't."
"Yes, really, we are, sir."
General Grudger, noting that his tactics weren't working, decided to try a new
tack. "Of course we're being invaded, damn it! I know that. Why do you think
that I don't know that?"
"Because you just said we weren't," said the Lieutenant increduously.
"I don't want your smart-ass replies, Lieutenant! And say 'sir' if you do
give smart-ass remarks."
"As you wish, sir."
"So you admit you give smart-ass remarks, do you?"
"No, sir, I was just saying that if I ever do give a smart-ass remark, I will
remember to say 'sir,' sir."
"You just said it again, dammit, Lieutenant! Put yourself on record; I'm
going to court martial you next week after the 'All-star General's Tennis
Tournament.'"
"Yes, sir. What about the invasion, sir?"
"What invasion?"
Kaprika Karnakov, the leader of the Fifth Glorious Revolutionary 'Marxist
Mongers,' was dismayed to learn that he had to invade Western Europe. He was
dismayed mainly because he had sold this month's allotment of gasoline to his
foil in Stalingrad, who traded it for four hundred pairs of Calvin Klein jeans,
which Kaprika then sold for a tidy sum to his troops, who used them as bribes to
receive a good time during R&R in the Moscow "Glorious Party Revolutionary
Recreation Centers."
Accordingly, Kaprika advanced his troops approximately five miles, and then
relied on that Georgian cunning which had stood him in such good stead in his
capitalistic machinations. Calling Cherovankev, he had three of his soldiers
make "booming" noises while he said: "Sir, we've hit major resistance by the
imperialistic NATO forces! The situation is bleak! Strongly suggest that you
do NOT, repeat NOT, send reinforcements, lest NATO cou nterattack with nuclear
weapons! We will break through, cut off all communications, capture the nuclear
weapons, and then report back to you! Long live the Glorious Party!"
With that, Kaprika signed off, and wiped his forehead of sweat. Laying back,
he resumed selling jeans to his troops.
BIO OF A BACTERIUM:
EatGrowReproduceMultiplyExpelEatGrowReproduceMultiplyExpel
-E. Coli
The Russian leader, seeing that the invasion was not working as well as
planned, decided to authorize the unleashing of the bacteriological weapons.
Deploying the bacteria in three cases of vodka that were then shipped to the
United States, he sat back and waited, while the invasion of Western Europe
continued to send back inconsequential reports.
The bacterium was released, and swept through the nation. However, the
bacterium, strangely enough, did not affect people that had partaken of potato
chips, Twinkies, or Coca-cola, due to some strange chemicals that those products
contained. Oddly, Pepsi did not contain those chemicals, which ended once and
for all the Coca-cola/Pepsi wars, and eventually reduced Coca-cola's advertising
budget by 60%.
The United States Viral Department, realizing that America had been attacked,
instantly retreated to their shelters, neglecting to inform the President of the
attack in their haste. They released 'Virus Matilda,' named after the wife of
the scientist who had created it. The virus, one of the prides of the Viral
Department, was communicable through the air, in addition to being extremely
contagious. It could survive for up to an hour on hostile surfaces, and killed
98% of the rats that it tested was upon.
The virus was placed in three cases of Coca-cola, which were then shipped to
Russia. The virus was released, and it turned out that while it worked
perfectly on rats, it didn't touch human beings, thus solving Russia's vermin
problem for once and for all, as well as killing half of the high Communist
Party leaders.
[This has been part 1. Part 2 concludes this exciting saga.]
[Copyright 1985 by Shadow Stories, Inc. All rights reserved. No portion of
this text, either written or electronic, may be duplicated or copied without the
express written consent of the author.]
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