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TO KEEP LAYERS HAPPY !
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UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHALL ANYONE EXEPT YOURSELF BE LIABLE FOR
ANY INCIDENTAL OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES THAT IS, LOSS OF MONEY,
TIME, INTELLIGENCE, OR BRAIN-CELLS DUE THE ACTS, USE OR MIS-USE
AND OR INSTRUCTIONS DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY CAUSED BY THIS TEXT
FILE OR INFORMATION.
====================================
ALKO buying guide
for people under 20 years..
In Stereo Where Aviable
Version 1.70
Written by Matte
All rights reserved by Matte
Copyright 1991, Matte
Hi from Matte
COPY ME
Dedicated to all the
hackers out there on
the phone lines !
====================================
WARNING: Parts of this file has been written in not such a sober
condition . Normally I (try to) write my text files in a quite a
strict manner but this is quite the opposite ! Here is quite a lot of
'crap' what doesn't really belong to the subject but in some cases
will cause a kind-of-a comic situation.. Anyway... HAVE FUN !!
This text file is not recomended for children under 6 years (drinking
?!?!?!?) and over 25 (still consider yourself a child? / need this info,
if you do.. I just can say you must be the biggest looser in universe..
(No offence/personal..))
International note:
-------------------
For thoose of you who are not living in Finland there might be some
incorrect things here (I'm sure there are anyway but..) That is that the
age you have to be to buy booze might be totally screwed up { What's the
difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb ? You can Un-Screw
a Light Bulb} For example [..listening to the wind of change..] in
Finland you have to be 20 years old to buy Alcohol drinks what contain
more than was it some 18% While in France it's 16 years for string drinks
and 12 for Wine and so on.. But what a hack.. I mean Heck !
Let's start !
-------------
This text file is describing a how to get booze from shops, ALKO
and so on while you are not as old as you should in fact be in order
to be allowed to buy it. Of course this can be used for all kind of
other things too, but mainly this is a text file describing how to
"look" older.. I'm myself 16 right now and I get without any problem
booze what you need to be 20 to buy , In fact I was 15 when I started
so.. I'm a little over 180cm long right now and my weight is not much
over 65kg.. (Long & thin guy & etc..) [honey won't you come back and play
if you dare]
Due the fact that this is a computer file it's no doubt that there
will be more boys what will read this than girls . Therefor here is
no information/hints about how girls should behave but I think that
it's quite the same as boys (at least the general idea..)
A little note.. Be sure to have ID that you really are 16 or 17 years
(Or how old you REALLY are).. I once got in problem when .. I was out
and buying Booze, when I had to proove I really was 16 in a bus (To buy
children ticket..) <grin..>
Right.. You don't belive that you would be able to get booze from
Alko . (I'm sure some of you might not be able but 99% I guess should
be able to get 'it' (I mean if you are having a hair going down to
your shoulders, a ministereo on full volume, pilot jacket, full of
Metallica, Iron Maiden, Guns n'Roses, etc stuff on it, ripped up jeans,
scarf around your head, sun-glasses, boots, you better think it over once
more.. (Should I soon stop this parentacasing !?!?))))))))))))) But I have
bought allready at least maybee 20-30 times and I'm sure it's not just
luck ! And what happends yesterday ?!?! I went to Alko bought 2 Dry Vodka
(40%) then I go to a food shop and should buy some beer (in fact 8 o'em)
and what happens? They are starting to ask for papers !?!?!?!?!
Theory
------
There are 3 reasons the clerks can sell they are:
1) You look old enough
2) You look very sexxy
3) You know someond working in the shop
I will only (in this text file) discuss the 1st theory to get, but briefly
taking over the other ones (I'm by no means any expert in them but anyway)
Sexxy theory:
-------------
Use your head.. I mean your <sensured> !
You-know-someone-in-shop-theory:
--------------------------------
Go up to a seller and start talking to her/him. This can just be
some questions like "How are you today ?" "Where can I find
this whiskey ?" etc etc etc Anyway main point is that you look
like YOU know her/him and the seller sees that and belive that
.. You know the seller . In fact this just happened once I
was asking where I could find some whiskey and well when I went
to pay they seller asked me if I knew her.. Then I tried it
another time and It worked again !
Anyway this txt file should discuss how to look 'older' and we should not
start finding out how to get friends in Alko or should we ?!?? Looks like
I'm all the time getting of the real track.. This Txt file seems to be
a big collection of bull-shit by a drunk teenage-mutant-ninja-hacker !
If you are really desperate you can allways try to steal booze but that
I have NO experience of and I don't want to have either.. That's somebody
elses task to write a text file about..
Of course if you don't have any contact and you don't get no matter
how hard you try you can allways ask your parent(s).. <grin..>
When to buy
-----------
Avoid Friday afternoons, It's a real major problem buying 10 minutes
before the shops close up . [..your' rushin' headlong out of coontrol..]
If possible choose some early morning just after the shop has opened .
Some school-break ?
What to wear ?!?
----------------
Try to wear some shirt what has buttons all way down in front.. You know
I just don't know the English word :-) Then a Tie will not hurt either.
(But I don't usually use it ). Avoid Jeans rather take some 'finer'
trousers and a leather belt . In Finland there are some quite popular
magazines called 'Iltalehti' and 'Iltasanomat', Take one of theese in
your hand and it will make an even stronger impression. Don't not wear
Sun-Glasses.. They allways ask you to take them off and your busted..
And get a suit-case, that will also give a good effect !
And if you like (= shave yourself in the mornings) remember to put some
after shave on (This is also quite obvious but .. ARHGRHAGRHGRHGHRG).
How much you should 'dress up' is completely comparable to how much you
have experience and how old (or how old you 'REALLY' look like) if you
look really old you don't have to dress up at all just walk in as you are
but if you look like somekindofa hip-hop guy I think you better change
clothes..
FUCK!.. Clock is 4:30am and I'll gotta get my but to school tomorrow !
Good night! Yawn Sigh..
?hh.. I'll take.. Ehh..
-----------------------
If you are nervous (Like I was the first times.. Don't worry..) they
won't kill you, The worst thing what can happend is you meet your dad or
mom inside ;-) (I was once VERY close doing this..). Put on your best
fake smile, take a deep breath count to 10 and go in.. [thunder?]
Finland has 2 official languages they are Sweedish and Finish, Anyway
Nobody (exept me.. ..) understands or should I say talk [ARF.. Batteries
stopped in the Mini-Stereo.. hang on.. argh.. back..] it.. So My tactic
is that I say my order as fast as I can (nobody will understand it not even
myself) In Sweedish (the Clerk will not look like a huge questionsmark..)
and he will most certanly say "H?H?!?" Well.. Then you are a gentleman and
tell you order in Finish and he will 'forget' to ask after any papers..
This can sure by used in some countries where they only speak one language
just say something what there is no chanse that he will understand (Will
he understand .. [Is it love, is it lust, whatever it is I can't get
enough ]Well.. You have to find out some nice excuse.. like.. who knows..
like "Ehh.. This is completely wrong bottle ! I was asking for a Vodka
and what do you bring me ?!?! some stupid beer ?!?" Before it's your turn
take as big a breath as you can and hold it inside, Try it right now..
Yeah like that.. And now try to speak while you are holding your breath..
YEAH you did it !!.. Now.. You'r on your way.. Take a mirror and practise
a few times.. Or of course you can go and practice to the nearest ALKO
shop but... An nice thing is also to stand lightly on your toes so you
will look longer and taller. However don't overdo it. [..I was caught in
the middle of a railroad train..]
What you also can do is look REALLY PISSED OFF, and in a BIG
hurry this must though be really good done so the seller will think that
'Better not talk to that guy, if I do he will start screaming & shouting
and embaress me, better keep quiet'. Hold your breath in about 1,3min so
you will get really red in face . (= cool effect) what you can do to look
really pissed off..
- look at clock 2 times a second
- swing your car keys
- go through your papers and check you have everything (lots'o'papers
with lot's'a numbers on them.. print out some big Lotus 1-2-3 sheet
and underline some numbers and you got your papers.. Priority 1 is
that they look important!)
- Look at clock again
- Check your hair
- keep eyes going around the room, restless
This requires quite good acting but.. What don't you do for a bottle/
money ?
Another cheap trick is that you have a plastic bag with ALKO's logo
on like you have been there before and bought booze. [.. Exit light, enter
night..]
Try to trap the clerks eyes as hard as you can, That is do not stare
at him, nor should you let him look in any other direction. This may feel
a little hard the first few times but with a little practise it will go
just fine. But whatever you do do not look on floor/sky/roof when saying
your order(s) !
When it's time to pay you also have to use a little force, that is
do not let him ask for anything just put the money in his hand.. Hard to
explain but, You have to do it so he won't notice that you are
acctually doing it.. But as with everything else.. Try.. Try and Try..
Practice makes perfect but nobody is perfect so .. Why practice :O
And pay in as big bills as possible, that is do not come in with
a big plastic bag full of small coins.. <grin> If you act like you are
angry and all the time looking at the clock have the money allready in
your hand, if you are in 'no hurry' [here I am, will ya send me an
angel] just have them in your wallet .
WARNING: If you have money in wallet and are planning to take out the
wallet so the seller can see it remove all ID papers (real), bus/train
tickets and that stuff what can reval that you are not old enough!
It also has a nice effect if you come in swinging with some car-keys
don't overdo this one either I mean if bottles are starting to fall on
floor you better take it a little cooler with your car keys.. ;-) But at
least in Finland this trick is quite common so there is a chanse that it
will only have a negative effect . But...
Some other things you can have are:
- laptop in one hand in other hand you have a lot of
papers with a lot of numbers etc.. You know
- Some paper on you what says something like :
+-----------------------------+
I <FirstName> <LastName> I
+-----------------------------+
Like you are working in some shop.. You know
There are lot'a other techniques you can use just for example sit
in a caf? and look at the crowd and look how an 'adult' looks like how
he walks how he looks how he whatever.. You'll soon notice what makes
an adult an adult.. But Hey This text file was about how adults looks
like and what do I write ? You should go and take a look at the street
big dissepointment ehh!.. Well.. I guess I can't explain it anyway in
a text file.. I guess I can't even explain in words..
And then a finaly little trick.. Do not start to smile after he is
going after your booze, If he sees that your dead meat.. I mean He won't
99% sure sell it to you.. ;( Do not move your face more than needed, keep
it in a 'I don't even know your there' way when not ordering..
And another this, when saying your order do not say it like
"Could I maybee buy a One Corona brandy ?" <= notice question
mark
Rather like this:
"One Corona Brandy !" <= Notice '!' mark..
In other ways, be sure on what you want and do not "Ask" him if you could
buy.. (= Ask him if you have age to buy it..)
And.. A final note is that it's often best to go and 'shopping' alone
(not with a gang of abt. 15-17 years old hip-hop guys breathing down your
neck while buying) This should be quite obvious but.. Who knows.. [..get
your money for nothing and your chicks for freee..]
What kind of clerk ?!?
----------------------
I have a bad experience with fe-male clerks.. They are so.. .. Well
I don't have to explain.. They ALLWAYS ask for papers.. And nor should
you try young girls/boys. Of course if you are a real looker (Mr/Mrs.
Universe) and walk in in some sexxy clothes.. Who knows but I suspect
you .. Do not do that.. ;) <grin>. Take a male seller/clerk, and not
too young.. Thoose young sellers are afraid of getting kicked out for
selling to under-age.. And.. Well.. You know.. So if possible try to
select a male what is maybee 35 up years old.. Really We though it
would be easiest to get from 20-23 years old girls but.. Nope.. This is
of couse just what our experisence shows and it can be totally the other
way depending on where you buy.. Also this might be because I'm a boy
and male sellers/clerks "trust" boys (Whoops.. Men). While women might
not "trust" men as much.. AARGHARGA!!. Anyway.. try & see! [ when red
hot man mets a white hot lady.. Hoop diddy diddy - Hoop diddy doo !]
Though when I discussed this with another person she said that young
clerks are the best ones.. But I think that the easiest way is that you
find out how it is for you. each time you buy you write if you got or you
didn't what kind of clerk, what time it was and then find out the best
combination.
Do you have papers !?!?!
------------------------
If it happends that they ask for papers.. Just say that "What a..!?!?,
I have bought here 100 times before, and you havn't asked any papers
why now ?!??!".. [.. the chiiildreeen ooof tomooroow ooon aaah gloory
niight?.] I have only once got after they have asked for papers but..
False papers ?!?! Where to get them from ?!?!.. Just make a visit to
your local terrorist shop and tell them to make a false pass-port..
<grin?> Well.. Maybee not..
If you are real fast you can notice when she/he will ask for thoose
**************************** things just drop some money on the floor and
go down and and pick 'em up , after having said to the seller to wait a
moment (You have to act some kindo gentleman.. sigh!). This will sometimes
work and the seller will kindof forget that she/he asked for something and
when you come up from floor you 'give' the money, In this move you have
to be very 'sure' that is, not shake on your hand and slowly push
it forward pressing your eyes together and so on.. Just boldly go where no
man has gone before ! [...youuuh cooouuld beeeh maaiiaiinn...]
Black Market..
--------------
If you are in real need, there is always the black market but . There
is again always the chance that you get poisoned by methanol or get water.
I have never bought anything myself but several times I have been offered
by some ******* russian guy who wanted to sell some 75cl Vodka was it..
50% Vol for 60FIM (Abt. 15$). [sorry can't make out any words.. just
screaming, drumming, guitar-soloes * 10 + guys in background screaming in
the background.. = music ?!?!]
Or another cute way is of course that you buy 99% Alcohol and then mix
your own drinks but... .. . Hard to find something that is not poisoned
by something that smells & tastes like <sencured>.. But but but.. [..We'll
keep rocking till the sun comes up..] . But this txt file was about how to
get booze from Alko while you are under 19 years so why am I writing thing
.. Humm Anyway I have to write a lot of bull-shit over here to get the size
stretched out.. But on the other hand what is the reason with a 100Kb file
just full of bull-**** !?! Well.. Back to business !
What else to use it for ?!
--------------------------
The info you now know can be used to a lot of other things than buying
alcohol ! For example ..
- Get into movies you 'shouldn't' be allowed to see .. Ehh..
- Getting summerjob ? And you are only 15 ? You got it !
- Get into bars, discoes, clubs !
- Get *h*ck* what are a lot older (What's the use ??!)
- Buy chemicals & other poison what you need to be 18/20 to buy
- Buy booze
- etc etc etc
- etc etc
- etc
- etc?
- etc? + ?(etc? * etc?) where n = etc?
There is an trillion of reasons why you should use this info !!
So...
UU UU SSSSS EEEEE II TTTTTT !!
UU UU SS EE II TT !!
UU UU SSSSS EEE II TT !!
UU UU SS EE II TT
UUUU SSSSS EEEEE II TT !!
What more ?!?!
--------------
Theese should help you up a little, please note though that theese are
just what I have noticed what works. It could be just plain luck that
I have got all theese times but I doubt it VERY much.. Remember it's not
a question of how long you are, or how big you are.. I know one girl
who is not so very long at all .. And she has no problem to get at all..
(Maybee it is because of serval other reasons but <grin!>.. Anyway..
Maybee I shouldn't talk about them here ..) [..off to never never land..]
Another smart move is that read theese papers so you know them, that is
do not come into shop hysterically look through theese papers for some
hints about what to do..
Good luck and best regards from.. Matte
You are using all info you have got from this text file on your own risk
pleasure & satisfaction.
Inside jokes
------------
And remember the golden rule... "COREL DOES IT AUTOMATICALLY"
and of course "Neidit Valittaa !?!"
and not to forget "Barum Barum" And please don't have barm-festivales
inside Alko-shops..
And for thoose who didn't figure it out ALKO is a shop in Finland what
sells booze..
Thoose [off] small texts [to] in [ ] are just some [never] weird song
[never] texts [never] running [land] in the background.. Disregards
'em. { } are 'en again some small jokes..
GIIHAA TO :
-----------
Andy How's your hand ?
Pierre Poor neighbours
Solar Why keep sober ?
Spirit Keep sober while coding ?
WIPerson "wiPeRSon"
Tepi How's your balls ?
Tjl Greetings to Tom from me
Tom Greetings to Tjl from me
Mice Da.. Da.. Da.. Da.. Da.. Daaarrrrrrrraaaaa
2-Les Nice to have others who write messages in this world
Tobe Kanske.... .. .. .
Laatu How's your balls ?
Julle Learning Assembler
Mikko We were lucky.. At Hietsu..
Madjack Good luck
Eve Lucky you (You don't need this file)
Papu Open up your BBS again
Peicco Keep TuTing
Arzenegger AAAARHG! You don't need this text file anymore ;(
Sid Gotta release something new soon
NightTrain Having fun in the wood ?
Data Plip.. Plip.. Plip..
Kamikaze Banzai
Dani Barum Barum
Meteor Hi
Spy New reader ready ?
Elkku Keep rocking
Reijo Though about it ? (joining..)
Ambra Thx for some hints
Joge When are you gonna cut your hair ?!?
Hena Luckily no calls yet, but..
Doc.Wizz Keep cracking
Kinkku Dream on
Ponde Thx for the party
MR Let's got to ??ga another time ?
RanX Don't come here and throw up
Army Yahoo
Arksa Keep up the good work
JayJay Call me sometime will'ya ?
Jasu How's your neck ?
Kride I'm too sexxy for this greeting
K F C Yo
Sakke Where is my Die Hard game ?!?!
Torre Learned C Yet ?
Erge How's "The good die young" going ?!?!?
Didde Looking forward doing business with ya
The Clan Hi
FC ..
Elite Club Let's go and have some FUN !!(Again!)
Sun Programming Service Development Team: Keep programming !
Everyone who was at Hietsu 28.8.91 and especially one person..
All gansters moving over phone lines in the rainy night
All hackers and crackers
And guys left out - Magge: SORRY!!!
And my personal FUCK OFFS goes to
---------------------------------
(It's no honor to be in this list !!)
magge Your such a looser !!
To quote Guns n'Roses "SUCK MY FUCKIN' DICK!" Suck your
Anus, Do the world a favor, hang yourself in the balls!
bosse ..Nothing personal but..
microsoft Learn how to code in Asm !
the guy who hacked Trk, Da.. Juast wait If I would see ya.. I would
wipe out your existence electronically ;), mash your
balls (you do have balls I suppose..) between my speakers
, put you and my speakers and a 1000Watt amplifier in
same room and full volume, Ahhhh... Just wait till I
catch ya and YOU ARE DEAD MEAT ASSHOLE.. !! And Oh..
Nothing personal ! I hate you with the bottom of my hart
HEHEHEHEHEHEHHHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEEHEHHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH
< GRIN.. >
Music stuff..
-------------
You have probably noticed thoose [ ] stuff, they where taken from
theese groups..
Dire Straits ?? Money for nothing
Queen ?? Innuendo
AC/DC ?? Razors Edge
Scorpions ?? Crazy World
Guns n'Roses ?? Use your Illusion I & II
Metallica ?? Metallica
+ Quite a lot more
A big Hi to all of 'em and their respective members !
Gotta comment ?
---------------
Write to the following address:
Matias Dahl
01100 ?stersundom
?rnvik
Finland
Or call some popular TG BBSes in Helsinki (That is in Finland) and
leave a E-Mail to Matte (If your in luck I'm user there.. ;-))
Comments from thoose who have read it
-------------------------------------
- Can't say too much, It's great
- Marvelous !
- Nice crap
- Hehehehe..
Coming up
---------
I have quite a lot of plans of future text files in style of this
but I'm sorry I cannot reval them yet.. Heheheh.. Just wait .. I'm
VERY busy coding right now so just have patience !!!!!
Version History..
-----------------
v0.01 Just some bullshit written at/after/in/on a party..
v1.00 Initial release.
v1.20p A _LOT_ of typos was fixed, how many are still here ??!
Some errors were corrected and a few things added.
v1.2pq Some small stuff added..
v1.60 Quite a lot added
v1.61 Improved (?) the greetings added a few small things
some small typos..
v1.70 Again some stuff added & fixed & etc..
[I'm too sexxy for this file /click