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Mephisto Madware/Red Menace Productions
Present:
"Real Pez Devotees"
~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~~~
by:
(who else?)
Mr. Pez
~~~ ~~~
Now, as the swirl of text graphics finishes, you realize that what you
have is another annoying file from Mr. Pez. "Ah," you say, "but I haven't
SEEN any files from Mr. Pez!" To which I counter, "My annoying personality
on the many boards I call, not to mention 75-line messages, can be
considered to be files." And this file tells you how to be JUST LIKE your
favorite candy/dispenser combo.
first part:
Real Pez Devotees as Sysops
Real Pez Devotees will be sysops in the near future, and have always
been that way.
Real Pez Devotees, if sysops, want to know everything about their
users, like real names and stuff.
Real Pez Devotees don't mind leeching, if done in mild amounts, since
they know that leeching is how they got all their
files.
Real Pez Devotees really love uploads. ("What the hell is this shit?
ALL sysops love uploads!") (Ah, my misguided friend,
Real Pez Devotees are eternally grateful.)
Real Pez Devotees never have the heart to delete users who quite
obviously are fake, like users who call themselves
"BIOC AGENT 003", on the off chance that they might
be the real person.
Real Pez Devotees, if finally given sysop access, say so everywhere,
and beg people to call the board. (In this case, The
Works, 914-238-8195. See?)
second part:
Real Pez Devotees as BBS users
Real Pez Devotees "pollute" BBS's. That is to say, they call them
regularly, say twice a day, and post an awful lot.
This is not altogether well-liked by the sysops and
users of those boards, but they realize they can't
really do anything about it. And a Pez is not such
an bad thing to have on a board, since while they
leech, they upload, too, and join in conversations.
corollary:
Real Pez Devotees saturate their area code.
Real Pez Devotees, sadly, kiss ass, and go out of their way to avoid
confrontations, sometimes changing their posistion
right then and there. That's not altogether bad, but
does hurt a Pez's credibility.
corollary:
Real Pez Devotees apologize.
Real Pez Devotees never know who to put as "references"...they have
spoken and left mail to a lot of people, but think
that it's a big step to put someone as a reference.
Real Pez Devotees leech of boards they know, but are loath to leech off
of pirate boards, since they don't want to look bad.
(See "Real Pez Devotees, sadly, kiss ass"..)
Real Pez Devotees use long-distance services to make free calls, but know
that this does not make them considered "phreaks".
They use the "codes" to call all kinds of BBS's all
over the country once a day.
corollary:
Real Pez Devotees will never say they "phreak" to anyone who might
possibly know anything about it, but will look down
on people who only call local Commodore 64 BBS's.
Real Pez Devotees like many kinds of IBM BBS software, notably WWIV for
its neat ANSI (colored) graphics tricks, Forum for
its full-screen editor, PC-Board for its enjoyable
prospects for leeching, Citadel for its ease of
logging on, reading all messages, and logging off, as
well as the ability for anyone to create "rooms", or
sub-boards (NOT called SUBZ!!1 which are sandwiches
that you get from a deli.), software called "M-Link"
for its overall whackiness (i.e. individual
ranknames and a general good humor).
corollary:
Real Pez Devotees hate RBBS, C-Net (and mostly all Commodore 64 BBS
software), and yes, AE's without anything "attached",
like TAC, TransPhor (it's new, for IBM's), or having
BBS's attached to them.
Real Pez Devotees gently harass people they know, which is sometimes
taken out of context to try to show a Pez as mean, or
spiteful.
Real Pez Devotees are nosy, and have tried to read messages with an
"S." in front of them, as well as "Reciever-Only"
messages on PC-Boards. (Note to unenlightened: "PC-
Board" is an IBM BBS program, not a general term for
boards run on IBM's. It's sort of like RBBS, only
spiced up with color and better transfer sections.)
They also look at Callers Logs to find out who was
tying up the board when they wanted to be on, and how
many downloads people make. If they know the sysop's
voice number, they'll call him if the board is busy,
and ask who's on.
third part:
The Writing Styles of Real Pez Devotees
Real Pez Devotees care about spelling and proper use of grammar in
textfiles/messages, but rarely say so. But in their
minds, they don't really respect people who spell
badly and use improper grammar. Although, (see the
"ass-kissing" section) they will overlook improper
grammar if the person has a national reputation (i.e.
certain Neon Knights, Budman "Zeek", and others.).
That's why a Pez likes Anarchy inc. so much, because
they seem very intelligent, as a whole.
Ex: I looked up the word "corollary" because I wasn't
sure how to spell it.
Ex: I'm going to spell-check this when I'm done.
Real Pez Devotees have adapted a lot of people's writing styles, as
well as their own, to form what looks like a unique
personality. Some examples follow:
1. Capitalizing words to emphasize points
Ex: "I can't BELIEVE you did that!"
Also, using an asterisk after the word to emphasize
points. (Stolen from Citadels in Minnesota.)
Ex: "I can't believe* you said that!"
2. Using "..." to link common subjects, or indicate
time passing, or end a sentence.
Ex: "I can't believe you said that...but I guess I would
too, in that situation...who knows..."
3. Two spaces after a period. That's pretty much
universal, though. As well as skipping a line
between paragraphs.
4. A lot of commas used, so as not to appear as a
run-on sentence.
5. When chatting, every line begins with "Yeah," or
"Well,".
6. The use of "a), b), c)" to distinguish separate
points.
fourth part:
The Personal Habits of Real Pez Devotees
Real Pez Devotees stay up until 11:30 on weeknights, and wake up at
5:30, and thus are numb all day. On weekends, they
stay up until 3am, when the boards finally become
freed up. Or else they write textfiles like this
one.
Real Pez Devotees screw around on the computer until 10:00 every day,
and then do their homework. Strangely enough, I got
my highest grades ever since starting this.
Real Pez Devotees drink large amounts of Coke Classic, which allows
them to stay up to 3am. Also, "Twix" bars are a cool
thing to eat, from time to time. Another fave is
cereal ("Cinnamon Life") eaten at odd hours.
Real Pez Devotees feel awkward walking into a classroom when there are
a lot of people already in there. They always feel
sort of awkward in front of lots of people. Unless
they are drunk, in which case they don't care.
Unfortunately, this is a rare happening. Normally,
we (the Real Pez Devotees) are hyper from Coca-Cola.
Real Pez Devotees fight with their siblings.
Real Pez Devotees enjoy volleyball, soccer, and baseball, but hate
football and "bombardment". (A violent version of
Dodgeball.) (Real Pez Devotees have always thought
Speedball sounded better than it played.)
Real Pez Devotees yell at their parents from time to time, but usually
do what they say. (Within reasonable limits.)
Real Pez Devotees have really short hair, and like it that way.
fifth part:
Real Pez Devotees And Clothes
Real Pez Devotees wear:
khaki pants
"Banana Republic"
button-downs
"Coca-Cola" clothes
Levi's "501" jeans
Docksiders (without socks until December, usually.
They can take it.)
glasses.
If a Real Pez Devotee finds a shirt he likes, he'll buy several in
different colors. And has trouble explaining it.
Real Pez Devotees have sneakers, but usually leave them in their gym
locker, preferring instead the ubiquitous Docksiders
or duck boots (ugly, but Real Pez Devotees don't
care).
sixth part:
(holy shit!)
Real Pez Devotees and Music
Real Pez Devotees listen to:
Ska (which includes)
The English Beat
The Specials
The Skatalites
The Selecter
Rico Rodriguez
Reggae (only)
Yellowman
Black Uhuru
old Santana records
their own music (more on that later)
Run-D.M.C. (they got hooked last year)
Real Pez Devotees hate:
Top 40 (including all)
Genesis
Bon Jovi
Madonna
Pet Shop Boys
and all other Top 40 fluff groups.
Stryper (that's fucking scarier than Satanism
in "metal"!)
Real Pez Devotees are in a band, and go over to their friend's houses
on weekends with a lot of equipment and jam. This
usually results in a song, or degenerates into a
point where they go to the computer and start
harassing people on CompuServe "CB". The songs are
mixed, like rap, reggae, blues, slamdance stuff, and
artsy Talking Heads clones.
seventh part:
Bullshitting Around/The End
So, I figured I had to start with a "Real" file. One that detailed my
personality, and habits, and stuff. My name's Mr. Pez, and I don't
expect you to imitate me. Hell, I don't know what to think of this file.
It's kind of long, huh? Hope it was worth it...
-Pez
: STUPID_SPECS RM/MM '87
Begun: 25 February 1987 3:12pm
Finished: 28 February 1987 1:26am
Written on: IBM PC, Writing Assistant (written and spell-checked)
Edited: with PC-Write (for justification, clarity, text graphics)
Author: Mr. Pez
For: Red Menace, Octothorpe Productions (?), Mephisto Madware
Size: 15,640 bytes
A few boards which ask only that you grace them with your presence.
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_____N_a_m_e____________S_y_s_o_p_____S_o_f_t_w_a_r_e____N_u_m_b_e_r____
[] The Works! [] Jason Scott! [] PCBoard 10.0 || [914]/238-8195 []
[] The Darque Side [] S Bunker [] Micro*Link || [408]/245-SPAM []
[] Terrapin Station [] Count Nibble [] AE:TAC || [505]/865-0883 []
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
classroom when there are
a lot of people already in there. They always feel
sort of awkward in front of lots of people. Unless
they are drunk, in which case they don't care.
Unfortunately, this is a rare happening. Normally,
we (the Real Pez Devotees) are hyper from Coca-Cola.
Real Pez Devotees fight with their siblings.
Real Pez Devotees enjoy volleyball, soccer, and baseball, but hate
football and "bombardment". (A violent version of
Dodgeball.) (Real Pez Devotees have always thought