💾 Archived View for kg4vma.duckdns.org › gemfeed › 2007 › 2007-03-20-50.gmi captured on 2023-06-14 at 16:01:24. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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Diana, You had once asked of me, not so long ago, my opinion as to whether we were better/more of friends than lovers. I can't remember what I had said in response to the query, but am sure that I had said something to step around the issue, for I had no way to formulate an answer at that time. I think that I have developed an answer. I was trying to rest on the sofa, get a few winks in before heading to work, when I came to this conclusion. I believe that i have been trying too hard to be a friend, and have been failing. I believe that my sad attempts have been what has been effecting our relationship. And, yes, I will finally admit that a portion of it relates to the incident that took place in December. I have done a lot in our relationship, to try and help make you happy. A lot has been sexual in nature, perhaps in part because of my interest in sex and sexual behavior. I brought you your first pleasurable sexual experience. I helped to introduce you to masturbation and self-pleasure. I helped introduce you to sexual fantasies. I became a strong friend and confidant in these matters, sort of stepping out of the loving partner role. Sadly, I haven't found a way to step back into the role. I made it a primary focus to keep being your friend in these matters than your husband. Then came experimentation with external sexual freedom. I was absolutely ecstatic when I found that you had an interest in practicing more exciting sexual encounters. As a friend in these matters, I was fully supportive, and wanted to see you succeed. That is why I had encouraged you to partake in it. Later, I started to be bothered by it. It wasn't the "friend" in me that was bothered. It was your darling husband resurfacing, getting angered. The husband figure has been trying to regain control since, and is finding conflict with the sexual friend. I know that it may not seem to make any sense, but I think that it does. You know how recently sex has gotten better on occasion. I believe that's the husband. Other times, it's the friend. Okay, I know this might sound just a little weird, that I am splitting my personalities here, in order to try and explain myself. I can think of no other way to explain. I don't suffer from multiple personalities, per se. I do however have two minds on everything. You know that. So it would make sense that I have two minds in our affairs. Anyway, I am trying to balance the friend and husband again. That's why I am doing everything that I can around the house. That's why I have been trying to be extra sweet again. It's not so much jealousy as it is the husband trying to reconnect. In being the friend, the husband started to lose grip. And, of course, the husband is still fearful. That's why I am bothered by your communiques with other men. That's why I am bothered by communiques with other people in general. The friend fears that in allowing the husband more power that the friend shall be lost. ARGGH. Difficult balancing act. Now I feel that I just sound totally nuts. Back to December. After you had made it clear that your sexual interests did not lie in experimenting that much is when the husband started to come back into the picture. He was all like "haha, you failed" to the friend, and the friend was like, "yeah, well it was fun while it lasted. you can have her back now." So, that's why I was so confused when you kept talking sexually, or at least half-heartedly thinking sexually, about others afterward. The friend and husband were fighting with each other trying to take control of my mind, each one saying that they were better for the situation. Obviously, last month, the husband gained control, giving the friend a turn on occasion. Sex the other morning was with the friend. That's why it really didn't mean anything. That's why I got depressed last night when I discovered that you had masturbated later, because the husband missed out on a chance. The husband hates your toy. The husband hates seeing it. Most of the time it's the husband who gets to see it. He sees it at night when he comes home from work, or when he's cleaning house. The friend sees it in the morning and thinks that maybe we can play. God, I do sound nuts. Anyway. I don't know. Does any of this help you out? Well, I got about 45 minutes or so left, before I go to work, so I'd better get off of here, and fix something to eat. I love you. I can't wait to come home tonight.